Kissing Scars by Tch

holding hands despite kissing scars

Note from Joan: “Tch,” who is in his early 80s, sent me this with permission to share it with you. I love his attitude, his ability to adapt, and his dedication to sexual pleasure for his partner(s) as well as himself. May we all grow old with this zest and wisdom!

 

I’m old. Over the last few years that has become more and more obvious to me.

I don’t regret getting old. I’ve had a really good time getting here.

And life is still good.

If you are old like me, you have likely noticed the signs. Scars on both knees filled with titanium, a missing molar, thinner skin, sags. I told my urologist the other day that my penis seemed a little blotchy. He smiled and ran his hand down my leg and said, “Looks a lot like the rest of your skin.”

My reason for seeing him was to check on my penile implant which makes my blotchy penis do what it used to do on its own. Another scar where the implant was inserted. I fondly remember the days when “waiting” to cum used to take a Herculean effort. Now, the reverse is true.

 

Let me tell you a little about scars.

They are the price we pay for the experiences of life, good and bad. I don’t begrudge for a minute the titanium knees. The original set carried me faithfully through many a tennis match, hikes into the wilderness, scuba in the depths, farming, building, carrying grandchildren, life.

I have noticed that some my age try to hide their scars and other non-youthful signs. “Cover up” is often the motto of the day. And so, many older people miss out on the beauty of getting older.

 

I am so much better at pleasing a woman at my age than I ever was as a young or middle-aged man.

What used to be a 15-minute rush (exaggerating a bit on the high side) is now a lovely hour or more with time to spend on all those places that used to be missed in the urgency.

My wife and I are swingers. We are in our early eighties. We have really good sex with each other and with other couples when we and they choose. Younger people might imagine that we can’t possibly be as enthusiastic about sex as they are. They should be excused for their inexperience.

 

What some of us older folks know

Scars got us where we are. They are not repulsive, but endearing. Scars of childbirth and life saving surgeries, reconstructed breasts, blotchy skin, and too many pounds all come with age. They can all be the path to intimacy beyond what youth can know. Kissing a scar can lead to trust and understanding that only the old can fully appreciate.

Please allow yourself the recognition that great sex, at any age, is about sharing, touching, giving, honoring, and loving. When you share those with your partner, scars and imperfections are paths to sexual intimacy.

 

“What We’ve Learned About Sex Lately”: Senior Wisdom

Naked at Our Age shirt

I invited my newsletter subscribers to tell me what they’ve learned about sex lately that has enhanced their sex life. The responses illustrate how far we’ve come in acknowledging that seniors are full human beings with sexual needs and desires, and how we are empowering ourselves to fulfill them.  

Enjoy Sex Without Penetration

When penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse is no longer dependable or possible, it’s an opportunity to explore sex without penetration, which you may find gloriously satisfying. Here’s what readers said:

  • “I’ve learned that sex without penetration provides me and my partner with at least as much core-shaking pleasure as does PIV.  Both are very nice, but my notion of ‘real sex’ has broadened to center now on sex without penetration.”
  • “My wife and I enjoyed a comfortable, mostly vanilla sex life for 45 years, and then it ceased after I lost the ability to provide a lasting erection. We accepted that as an inevitable, age-related thing and believed that sex without penile penetration was not complete. Research, including your blog and your books, opened my mind to the idea that sexual gratification for older folks was healthy, desirable, and neither inappropriate nor impossible without an erection.”
  • “You may have issues maintaining an erection hard enough for sustained penetration. PIV sex is not the only way to have sex. You can have extraordinary pleasure and orgasms even with a soft penis.”
  • “At 65, I’ve learned a more expansive idea of sex, one that isn’t so genitally focused. Every part of my body can be an erogenous zone. My partner and I enjoy hours of pleasuring each other, engaging in ‘outercourse’: manual, oral, and anal stimulation. We may have a single orgasm and continue pleasuring. We might enjoy several orgasms, or one extended orgasm. We have more of a sense of play and exploration.”

(For more about non-PIV sex, view “Great Sex Without Penetration,” my most popular webinar.)

Great Sex without Penetration

Overcome Challenges

Yes, aging brings obstacles to good sex. That’s no reason to give up. Instead, explore solutions, as these readers did:

  • “I honestly didn’t know our sex drives would slow down. Nobody tells you that a strong libido has a shelf life. Realizing that the days of spontaneous combustion were over for both of us, I felt like I’d been ripped off by life. With time, laughter, tears, and a lot of talking and thinking — plus a vibrator, erotica, and soft porn — my husband and I created a place where sex is a wonderful mini-vacation where we give and receive pleasure. It’s no longer my obsession, but it’s also not an afterthought.” 
  • “What to do when you realize that the only sex you know and have enjoyed for 45 years won’t work anymore? My wife has lichen sclerosus of the vulva. We can’t have penetrative sex anymore because she is so sensitive. We had to completely relearn how to have sex, first conquering our belief that sex other than penetrative missionary sex was shameful or sinful. We have learned that we can continue to be intimate and enjoy sex together.” 
  • “Because I couldn’t orgasm with intercourse and sometimes I had to finish myself off alone, after 20 minutes of my husband doing everything in his power to make me come, I thought our sex life was deficient and substandard. Joan’s writing truly helped me. To read an expert telling me that masturbation was real sex; oral sex was real sex; sex with sex toys to enable us to orgasm was real sex? I realized I was having quite a bit of real sex, and I didn’t recognize it. Two people who love the hell out of each other and fit together like puzzle pieces thinking that they’re defective because their sex life didn’t fit the standard definition? Your words freed me from feeling inadequate, broken, and damaged.” 

 

Bring Back the Spice

If you’re in a long-term relationship that has lost its excitement, these readers share what works for them:

  • “We find planned, weekly date-night encounters far more enjoyable than spontaneous episodes, because planning a scene enhances anticipation. It’s a form of extended foreplay. We are consistently ready for sex well before the next date-night, but we deny ourselves, heightening the desire to extreme levels for days.” 
  • “I’m 80, and my mind is my biggest turn on. I am no longer afraid to share my fantasies with my partner. It is a delight not to be ashamed of these wonderful and imaginative ideas where I get to determine what I experience in my mind while making love with my partner.”
  • “After 33 years of marriage, I realize that both partners need to choose to keep their relationship spicy and active. Both must be honest and frank about their desires. Don’t be freaked out if you two disagree on what you’d like to do. Just treat it like every other issue you’ve disagreed on through the years: listen, suggest, compromise, and give it time.”

Explore New Kinds of Relationships

We were brought up to value only a lifelong, monogamous relationship. Sometimes that works for us; often it doesn’t. It’s never too late to explore a new relationship — or a new kind of relationship:

  • “After much reading and heart-to-heart conversations with my more experienced lover, I’ve embraced consensual nonmonogamy at age 74 as an honest and happy-making way of being in a primary relationship. It allows each of us to celebrate both our independence and our connection based upon a solid foundation of frank, open communication. I have the freedom (should I so choose) to pursue other relationships without jeopardizing my highly valued primary tie. And, she likewise, has that freedom. Never taking my partner for granted adds a special sexy frisson to our connection.”
  • “I’m 72. After my dear heart passed away and I hadn’t had sex for 5 years, I reconnected with my boyfriend from 43 years ago. Our relationship the first time around had been sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Now we’re in sync with getting up in the middle of the night to pee! We’re in a long-distance relationship for now, with sex being a big part of our daily conversations.”
  • “After 26 years of an unfulfilling sex life that lasted minutes at best, I was alone and lonely. At 71, I met someone new. We can barely keep our hands off each other, like in the scene from West Side Story where everyone disappears into the scenery. We’re both widowed and realize that tomorrow is promised to no one. Whether or not it lasts, I plan to suck every bit of life and juice from this new relationship. I am burning daylight here.”

Sex Keeps Getting Better

Many readers wanted to share why sex at our age is better than ever:

  • “We have a whole new attitude towards sex, accepting that whatever provides immediate pleasure also benefits our long-term health and relationship. We are more respectful of each other and display a high level of intimacy outside the bedroom as well as in. We are more comfortable with openly discussing sex than we ever were.”
  • “Sex is better now than in our younger days because the pace and respectful desire to please each other is more refined than the more urgent hormone-driven copulations in the past.”
  • “As I age, I am more sexually comfortable, adventurous and voracious. As a young woman, I was painfully shy, inhibited, and sure I wasn’t attractive. Now I feel strong, capable, sexy, attractive and free to express myself sexually and sensually.”
  • “I love an older woman’s body. It’s about how she feels about herself, how much she gives herself up to pleasure and takes joy in her body. In the past decade, I’ve had partners dealing with wrinkles, stretch marks, cellulite, diabetes, heart conditions, Bell’s Palsy, IBS, and none of it has been an impediment to loving pleasure and desire.”
  • “I’m much more excited about exploring than I ever was in my younger days. Touch is an integral part of the experience for me and I teach my partner how and where to touch me, and I do the same for him. I have fewer inhibitions and I’m focused on enjoying all the sensations.” 
  • “Sex in my 70s is relaxed, playful, fun, unhurried, experimental, and made wonderful by open, easy, frank communication with my partner about what we each do and don’t like. We feel closeness and trust, and our orgasms are happily extended as we pleasure one another without stress or anxiety or rush. Now is the best age in my entire life for uncomplicated, completely happy, and totally delightful sex!” 
  • “My lover (64) and I ​(88) just celebrated our 5th anniversary with a weekend frankly devoted to ‘sex at our age’ and loving it. It was a soul-blending celebration. Most important to us are (1) learning to listen before responding; (2) responding freely, not out of earlier patterns, but aware of the new definitions and opportunities for growth; (3) being willing to risk, try the new, re-invent. Of course, I’m vulnerable and have shed tears often. But, ah, the growth —beyond imagination.”

 

Some take-away tips from these reader experiences

  • A sexual problem is a challenge, not a defeat. It’s an opportunity to learn and to explore.
  • Expand your notion of what kind of sex is satisfying to you.
  • Get creative. Try new things.
  • Communicate with your partner about what you’d like to try.
  • Treasure the pleasure!

This article was first published as “Sex at our Age: How far we’ve come” at SeniorPlanet.org, May 21, 2018.

Passion Blooms Despite Coronavirus: Cat’s story

“How are you managing/coping with sex in this seemingly endless pandemic as we close in on a full year?”  I asked my newsletter subscribers in March 2021. Several of you sent me your comments. One person – we’ll call her “Cat” – sent a personal story that was so joyful and inspiring that I asked her permission to post it here. – Joan

I am Cat, age 60, a widow for one year. My best friend since elementary school passed away last fall, and I reached out to her husband, B., to check on how he was doing, We started video chatting three months ago. Much to my surprise, our connection has evolved into a deeper relationship.

We now spend most non-working hours together on a virtual app, and we literally go to sleep and wake up together. We go on virtual dates where we plan a menu and a movie or comedy show to watch together. We cook our meal together (they often do not look quite the same!), set our individual tables with lots of candles, and eat together virtually. We buy tickets to online concerts and watch at the same time, talking via messenger while watching.

We use end-to-end encrypted programs such as WhatsApp or Signal App. The Internet isn’t perfect – it has frozen or dropped at the most inopportune times! – but this relationship wouldn’t exist at this time without it.

We share virtual bath nights using Signal App. He gets to see all of me and vice versa! And yes, we have virtual sex. While it is not the same as in person, it can be explosive. It is almost like we are in the same room at the same time. He satisfies me sexually more than I ever experienced before.

We discussed the possibility of a visit, and as I knew what I hoped would happen, I requested and we agreed to have STI testing done as a prerequisite. We agreed to self-isolate to the best of our ability for two weeks, limiting contact to anyone else, wearing a mask and social distancing when errands could not be avoided.

He came for a two-week visit and oh, what an amazing time! He awoke something in me that I thought was dead. For the first time in years, I felt sexually satisfied. I loved waking up in his arms and was comfortable talking with him about anything. I wish it could have gone on forever, but he had to go back home to work.

We want to be together, but it is complicated as we are both five years away from retirement and live 16 driving hours from each other. His adult children are not happy that he is already seeing someone when their Mom just passed away last fall, and they are making it hard for him. Fortunately, my children just want me to be happy.

He is coming back for another visit, this time for a month. Who knows where this relationship will go, but I know where I would like it to go!

Roses from B. to Cat

I Asked, You Answered, Part 2

In my newsletter a few months ago, I asked my subscribers several questions. The response was so huge that I devoted an entire blog post to the answer to the first question: “If you’re in a long-term relationship, what tips or wisdom can you share that help you keep a relationship sexy and spicy after decades together?” Read my readers’ answers here.

The answers to the remaining questions were less plentiful but every bit as interesting and, I hope, useful. Here are excerpts:

 If you’re in a relationship that’s less than satisfying, what do you wish you could tell or ask your partner to bring the sexiness back?

* I wish she’d realize how difficult it is for me when I’ve tried romantic stuff and she doesn’t respond. I wish she allow herself to get turned on like she used to in her 30s.

* I’m 67, in a heterosexual relationship with a peer, 68, who has chronic back pain with acute flare ups which he fears and dreads. His solution for sex – on back, still as possible –  leaves me frustrated. His anxiety has affected me, and I’m wondering how to speak up. Friends have suggested sex toys. I’d like to lose my own inhibitions and ask for more foreplay.

* I’m in a relatively new relationship that was interrupted by breast cancer that required a mastectomy. Months after her final chemo treatment, there is no further evidence of cancer. The drugs that suppress estrogen also suppress libido. We are on uncertain ground. It’s difficult to talk about, because it is such a change from pre-cancer romance. I’m not sure what it is we are talking about some of the time: is it the shock of having had cancer, exhaustion from trying to get back up to speed at work, drug effects, or is it actually the relationship? All the things that used to work, don’t. It’s like we’re starting from scratch with a lot of baggage added. She once expressed her sense of how this relationship has gone for her as, “We were dating. Then I got cancer and everything focused on that. While you were looking after me the relationship grew deeper for you; for me it disappeared. Now I’m back and we are in very different places.” Patience is the key for both of us. Psychological recovery takes longer than physical healing, we both know that. Yes, I’m in love with her and I know she loves me; she says it often.

In what ways have you changed your ideas about the kind of relationship you’d like to have now? For example, would you be happy in a non-monogamous relationship? Friends with benefits? Marriage only? Living together without marriage? Sexually exclusive but not living together? Intimacy without sex?

* My sexual appetite and lack of inhibition are stronger than my husband’s. Part of me — the randier side of me — thinks it would be cool to have another partner. But my husband is emphatic that that would be grounds for divorce. It’s not worth it to me at this time to pursue it. Sometimes I believe that it’s attractive because, after 33 years, it’s just different.

* I am involved now with a man who identifies as polyamorous. I’ve been strictly a one man gal, and it’s been an eye opening experience to process this new paradigm. I love him, but only time will tell whether I can live a lifestyle that is so foreign to me. As I age, I am more sexually comfortable, adventurous and voracious! As a young woman I was painfully shy, inhibited, and sure I wasn’t attractive. Now I feel strong, capable, sexy, attractive and free to express myself sexually and sensually. As challenging as my current relationship is, I have never had richer, more vibrant, freeing conversations with any man I have been involved with. It is a gift, and no matter what happens, I will always appreciate what this man has brought to my life.

What’s the worst thing a date or mate ever said to you? I ask this after a friend told me that a recent sex date said to him, “You’re the kind of person I want to go to bed with — but not the kind of person I want to wake up with.”

* My marriage before it ended: “Not only do I have to have sex with you, but I’m supposed to enjoy it?”

* “You’re too fat to fuck.” Still smarts after all these years.

What else would you like me to know?

* I want to learn how to love without fear, without clinging to the safety of old thinking. How to love extravagantly, with respect at all times for myself and my partner(s).

* I enjoy sex more now at age 66 because after many years, I’m more into the total experience that each encounter brings. When I was young, it was me and my partner getting to the big “O”. Now, it’s so much more. The passion, while still there, is not the rip off your clothes type passion. It’s the patience, if you will, of taking our time and enjoying each other’s bodies. It’s the expression of love and the communication that wasn’t there years ago. It’s the candles flickering in the darkness of the room. It’s the kissing and caressing. It’s the change that comes with each love making session. It’s our willingness to explore different “toys” and lubricants. Can we move and get into positions like 20 years ago – of course not. But what we can and do now that we didn’t do before is we can totally love, accept and appreciate each other for what we are. Seniors who take every bit of love making to the fullest every time.

Do you want to join in the discussion? I welcome your comments!