Posts Tagged ‘books’

Sizzling Sex for Life by Michael Castleman

reviewed by Mac Marshall

Are you a man who wishes that sex was more pleasurable? Do you feel furtive about masturbating? Do you have erectile problems? Do you feel guilty watching porn? Do you believe that your penis is too small? Do you desire sex more than your spouse/partner does? Sizzling Sex for Life: Everything You Need to Know to Maximize Erotic Pleasure at Any Age by Michael Castleman offers sex-positive answers to questions like these and many others, based upon the best available current knowledge.

This book largely addresses the sexual issues facing cisgendered heterosexuals—nine out of ten people…While I write for men, I’ve also striven to be sensitive to women, to inform men of the many research breakthroughs of the past few decades…that have shined new light on how women experience erotic pleasure…[I have] also endeavored to inform women about men’s experience of sexuality.

Castleman’s book is a 432-page encyclopedic compendium covering a host of different sex topics. His 52 chapters are organized into six major parts:

I.    The Ten Ingredients of Sizzling Sex. (10 chapters; 66 pages)

II.   From Infancy to Old Age: Sexual Issues Throughout the Lifespan. (20 chapters; 155 pages)

III.  A Guide to Resolving Men’s Sex Problems. (4 chapters; 38 pages)

IV.  The Man’s Guide to Women’s Sexuality. (5 chapters; 35 pages)

V.   Other Ways to Play. (6 chapters; 43 pages)

VI.  What Everyone Should Know About Pornography. (7 chapters; 54 pages)

Castleman’s recipe for “sizzling sex” is summarized in Part I. In a mantra repeated over and again throughout the book he argues, “For sizzling sex, your default position should always be slow, tender, mutual massage that eventually—after twenty minutes or so—extends to gentle, playful genital caresses.”

Other recommended ingredients for sizzling sex include:

• Coaching your partner. “Everyone is sexually unique…No one can read anyone’s erotic mind. No one can possibly know what you like and dislike unless you reveal it. For sizzling sex you must speak up.”
• Obtaining affirmative consent. “Women have become fed up with the problems inherent in no means no and have promoted a new standard, yes means yes—clear, unambiguous consent for every sexual escalation—‘affirmative consent’.”
• Using lubricants. “Currently, an estimated fifty million Americans use lubricant regularly. Most consider it a quick, easy, inexpensive, erotic enhancement.”
• Introducing novelty. “To make sex hotter, include something new: a different time or place, new moves, new lingerie, a new sex toy—anything.”
• Indulging sexual fantasies. “An active erotic imagination contributes to sizzling sex by boosting libido, aiding arousal, and enhancing pleasure.”
• Masturbating. “Masturbation is the foundation of satisfying sex and the world’s most widely practiced type of lovemaking…If you feel ambivalent about making
  love with yourself, it’s difficult to have great sex with anyone else.”
• Engaging in outercourse, including oral sex. “Many people rank oral sex, fellatio, and cunnilingus, among their top erotic pleasures…Gentlemen, if you want your partner to feel sexually satisfied and sing your praises, what hangs between your legs is usually less important than how creatively you use your tongue.”
• Focusing on pleasure. “All genders’ top three reasons [for engaging in sex] focus on attraction and pleasure…Having children was one of the fifty least cited reasons for partner lovemaking…The goal of sex is not orgasm but mutual pleasure.”
• Scheduling lovemaking. “In established relationships, sex therapists are virtually unanimous in the opinion that scheduled sex offers couples the best chance for long-term erotic happiness.”

Many chapters stand alone for those who seek answers to certain questions. For example, Chapter 12 offers “A Parents’ Guide to Toddlers’ and Preschoolers’ Natural Sexual Curiosity,” and Chapter 20 provides suggestions on “How to Prevent Sexual Assault and Harassment.” Chapter 36 discusses “A Man’s Guide to Women’s Bodies.” This makes the book particularly useful to sex counselors and therapists who may direct clients to specific chapters relating to their clinical discussions.

Overall, the book is splendid, but I had a few issues:

• It’s problematic that Castleman’s discussion of sex toys leaves the impression that they’re all for women or for men to use on women. He fails to mention the numerous penis toys that have come on the market over the past decade that enhance sexual pleasure for men (e.g., the Pulse and Jett from Hot Octopuss, the Manta from Fun Factory, and the Ion from Arcwave). Moreover, I can personally attest that many vibrators designed for vulvas provide wonderful stimulation to penises as well.

• This important book harbors a certain amount of repetitiveness that might have been eliminated with more careful editing. While some of this may be intended to hammer home certain key points, much of it uses the same wording over and over. Some examples: we’re told many times that porn is like a cartoon version of sex; that 5%-6% of normal, mentally healthy women are highly sexual; that all men watch and masturbate to porn; that Fifty Shades of Grey sold 150 million copies worldwide in fifty languages during its first eight years in print; that men tend to become more sexually aroused than women by visual imagery; and that only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic from vaginal intercourse alone.

• As it stands, the book ends very abruptly following a 54-page discussion of porn. I would have appreciated a brief chapter that summarized and highlighted the author’s main points and brought the reader full circle.

A strength of Sizzling Sex for Life is the author’s lively and accessible writing style. He presents sometimes complex information in an easily comprehensible manner, often laced with humor. For example, “Fellatio is as simple as eating a banana—without using your teeth.”

He also provides historical tidbits:

The ancient Greeks and Romans preferred small penises. In Aristophanes’s play The Clouds (423 BC), an elder admonishes delinquent boys that if they continue to misbehave, as punishment, their penises will grow larger. But if they repudiate wickedness, their organs will remain blessedly small. What the Greeks wanted was a jumbo scrotum. A big nut sack suggested great potency. The Greeks considered penises incidental injection devices for what really counted, big ejaculations. Five centuries later, the Roman novel Satyricon (ca. AD 50) describes bathers at a public bath who ridicule one character’s large penis.

Throughout much of the book, Castleman notes the special sexual issues associated with aging for men and women alike. This is welcome information for senior readers age 50 and beyond. He gives special attention to erectile problems for men, vaginal dryness for women, and the delightful joys of slow, gentle outercourse as pleasurable sex for seniors. He also devotes all of Chapter 29 (“No One is Ever Too Old for Sizzling Sex”) to older folks, commenting that “Elder sex just might be the best of your life.” We agree!

Michael Castleman is a journalist who specializes in health and sexuality. Over the course of his long career, he has worked as a counselor at a family planning clinic, was employed by a company that marketed sex toys, wrote answers for the Playboy Advisor column in Playboy Magazine, and authored two earlier sex books. He currently writes the “All About Sex” blog for Psychology Today and answers sex questions from readers at GreatSexGuidance, In assembling the wide-ranging materials for Sizzling Sex for Life, he has drawn on this varied background and his extensive personal network of sex counselors, coaches, and therapists.

Purchase Sizzling Sex for Life from https://sizzlingsexforlife.com/.

================

Mac Marshall, PhD is a retired anthropology professor, researcher, and author who is delighted to explore sexuality studies at this time of his life.

Reviewed by Mac Marshall, PhD

Echoing the title of Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s novel, Love in the Time of Cholera, Diana Wiley, PhD wrote Love in the Time of Corona during the early months of 2020 as a “guide to redeem, refresh, and renew your relationship while in quarantine.” She is a marriage and family therapist and sex therapist now in her 70s. Given the stresses of the COVID-19 pandemic, Wiley’s main message is that “enjoyable sexual activity between partners can distinctly benefit a couple’s mental and physical health.”

The information in Love in the Time of Corona is relevant for couples of any age, and especially helpful to seniors who are more likely than younger adults to have been in a year-long lockdown.

Wiley’s book is 144 pages of larger-than-usual type for easy reading. It is organized into ten chapters covering these topics:

• Communication. “While you are adapting to each other’s personal habits during quarantine, you could also use this unusual time as an opportunity to learn more useful information about your partner.”
• Planning for Sex Dates. Have and express clear intentions, and then “Take time to communicate and agree on what each of you wants from your date night at home. And then set the date.”
• Mindfulness About Sex. “Entering a mindful state during lovemaking can help you be more present in the moment so you can fully surrender to sexual ecstasy. It helps you get out of your head and into your body.”
• The Importance of Touch. “How you touch your partner (and how your partner touches you) can sometimes be tricky to navigate, even under the best of circumstances. But when you are’ locked down’ together, as during the COVID-19 pandemic, the stakes can be higher because of the increased stress and anxiety inherent in the situation.”
• Suggestions for Sensory Revitalization. Limit screen viewing, get outdoors often, learn a new skill, and regulate your consumption of news. Enjoy food and music, pamper your body, and explore different kinds of kissing. “Having good sex is such a grand, multi sensory experience of intense pleasure” that no one “should be ashamed to claim this biological heritage.”
• The Need for Laughter and Playfulness. “Humor, and the playful spirit that often accompanies it, has detoxifying and defusing effects that go a long way toward keeping relationships intact.” Wiley observes that “couples who laugh together last together.”
• The Significance of Novelty. “Novelty offers a myriad of benefits in addition to increased sexual charge. Researchers have discovered that the desire to have new experiences…is positively associated with much of what helps us thrive in the world.”
• Learning More About Sex. “Did you know that people who have more sexual knowledge are more confident in their sexual conduct?” This chapter recommends a variety of books, instructional videos, podcasts, and interactive online courses.
• Expressing Gratitude to Each Other. Minimize criticism. Manage your frustrations.   Express thankfulness more often: “It’s an easy, simple, and surprisingly effective survival strategy for your relationship during this time in quarantine.”
• Recommit to Your Relationship. “This pandemic can serve as an excellent opportunity to reexamine and clarify your values. Sit down with your partner and share your hopes and dreams.”

Wiley’s writing style is engaging and conversational. Her suggestions will help you engage more fully with your partner. You’ll come away convinced (or reminded) of the central importance of sexual pleasure for strong, happy human relationships.

Learn more about Diana Wiley:

==============

Mac Marshall, PhD is a retired anthropology professor, researcher, and author who is delighted to explore sexuality studies at this time of his life.