Aging is a precious gift. Those of us who age did not die young. A year ago as I approached my 80th birthday, I promised myself that I would write an article titled “What Matters and What Doesn’t As We Age: Reflections on Turning 80.” I wanted to reflect on what does and doesn’t matter about our changing appearance, bodies, sexuality, capabilities, relationships, hopes, fears, and how we want to live our lives while we can still make these decisions.

I took notes and thought about it a lot, but I didn’t get it done, maybe because I was too busy living: traveling to Australia, giving presentations and media interviews, taking on new writing projects, and abruptly facing new health challenges. Now that I’m about to turn 81, with another year lived and pondered, it’s time for “What Matters and What Doesn’t As We Age: Reflections on Turning 81.”

Some Things I’m Experiencing:

I always pictured 80 as a last gasp before dying. Struggling to hang onto the threads of daily needs and functions, with little or no quality of life. I acknowledge that I’m the recipient of great privilege to say that my brain still works well — not as well as when I was younger and sharper, but well.

My memory never was great, and it’s worse now. I struggle for the right word more often. I have to create routines and tricks to keep track of my phone, my glasses, my coffee mug. Several times a day I stride purposely into a room only to realize I don’t remember what I came here to do. (Fortunately, the elusive intention comes back quickly — so far!) When leaving the house, I have to check that my shoes match!

I’m still writing professionally and giving speeches and interviews internationally. I’m at the top of my career. Retire? Ha! And yet I’ve peeled back my activities to do those that matter most to me, saying “no” more often than “yes” to new projects and invitations.

Health is one thing after another at my age. Some things resolve after a day. Some require medical interventions. Some I need to live with. I don’t care to get into the details, but let’s say I deal with medical issues every day. As Larry Kassman, retired emergency physician and my dear, wise brother, told me, “Our bodies aren’t made to last forever.”

Some Background that Matters

I nearly didn’t make it to age 36, when an automobile accident almost killed me.  I suffered many critical injuries, including a smashed face that had to be reconstructed from photographs, a jaw broken in 6 places, a neck fracture, and – the part that couldn’t be fixed — a shattered heel and ankle.

“You’ll walk again,” doctors told me, “but maybe not normally or painlessly.”

“I don’t care about walking normally — I want to dance!” I replied.

A year later, I was teaching aerobic dance. Later I switched to teaching line dancing — which I still do, with great joy!

I’m privileged and grateful that my body works as well as it does. I know firsthand what it looks like and feels like to lose the ability to walk, to eat solid food, to be physically independent. I’m grateful that I’m functioning now, and I know that could change at any moment.

What Does Matter

• Staying connected to the people we love and who love us.
• Keeping love and sexual pleasure alive with intention.
• Keeping our brain active by reading and learning something new every day.
• Doing the activities we care about and letting go of those we don’t.
• Helping others with our knowledge, skills and kindness.
• Staying physically active to the extent we’re able.
• Sharing what we’re learning about aging so it’s less mysterious to others — and to ourselves!

What Doesn’t Matter

Looking older. Wrinkles. Goodness yes, every part of me has wrinkles. Even my wrinkles have wrinkles! I am fascinated by my forearm wrinkles when I hold up my arm to let gravity put on a show. If I turn my wrist slowly, I get a display of changing patterns and textures. Sorry I can’t include a video.

The skin of my thighs, still strong and muscular from more than half a century of dedicated daily exercise, is nonetheless so wrinkled that it seems to fold in on itself. But so what! These thighs still let me walk three miles a day and dance for two hours.

Here’s how I see my aging appearance: When I was young, my genes determined how I looked. Now my age and experience determine how I look. I am happy with that.

Framing My Goals

What will I do today to give myself a sense of accomplishment?

What will I do today to give myself joy and calm?

What will I do today to support my health and wellbeing?

My Advice (if you want advice) from turning 76 in 2019, still useful:

• Move as much as possible — your health depends on it.
• Adopt the “if not now, when?” mindset and live your bucket list now.
• If your relationship situation needs changing, change it.
• Put plans in place now that you might need later: financial, healthcare, will, advance directive.
• Take care of things now that you don’t want your loved ones to have to figure out when you’re unable.
• Spend time with friends — we don’t know how long they’ll be with us.
• Tell the people you love that you love them.
• Learn from the past, celebrate the present, be unafraid of the future.

My Messages to Myself and to You:

• Keep moving, keep learning, keep helping others.
• Some things we can control; others we can’t. Let’s put our efforts into what we can control, change, make better.
• We may be challenged as we age, but we don’t have to be diminished.
• Every year, every day, every step we take is a gift.
• Instead of the fruitless search to regain our youth, let’s celebrate our age and dance forward into the years ahead.

Your Turn:

What matters and what doesn’t as you age? I’d love to hear from you. Please comment, and include your age.