The Turned-On Couple

by Corinne Farago

Reviewed by Mac Marshall

Corinne Farago

“No matter how dry your sex life is right now, there’s a path forward for you as a couple.” (p.136)

Are you in a long-term marriage or partner relationship? Do you two bicker over small matters and often feel irritated with one another? Has the quality and frequency of your sex life fallen into a rut? If so, Corinne Farago’s book The Turned-On Couple may be just what you need.

In this book, Farago distills her coaching experiences into a self-help guidebook for relationship rejuvenation. She argues that we all crave relationship intimacy, but a couple’s level of intimacy may weaken over time. Honest communication can revive that intimacy. Intimacy in turn builds trust. Trust lets us be vulnerable. Vulnerability allows us to gain self-acceptance and discover our authentic sexual selves. That then frees us to communicate with our partner about what works for us sexually, and why.

Farago seeks to jolt those of us in long-term relationships who may have become “comfortably numb” to our partner. Her goal as a sex coach is to help couples manage problems she finds commonplace in long-term relationships. These include conflict mismanagement, communication difficulties, desire discrepancies, and lackluster sex lives.

The Turned-On Couple is divided into 65 brief chapters, each focused on a specific issue. These are sorted into three major sections, reminiscent of Timothy Leary’s famous counterculture-era phrase, “Turn on, tune in, drop out.” However, Farago wants us just to turn on, not to drop out. The book’s sections are:

• Tune In (28 chapters): “You’ll learn about the essential skills of building a secure and loving foundation for your intimacy to thrive. Use these lessons to guide you and your partner in conversation, and discover how to build new habits in love that support your passion.”
• Turn Up (16 chapters): “We look at the often-mysterious world of desire, how to turn up your own desires, and how to confidently express those desires to your partner….Through practical guidance and reflective exercises, let’s explore how to turn up desire with authenticity, empathy, and vulnerability.”
• Turn On (21 chapters): “We embark on a voyage of exploration, shedding light on the secrets to cultivating a deeply satisfying and fulfilling sexual connection. From communication and vulnerability to pleasure and new adventures, let’s look at the essential elements that pave the way to becoming a Turned-On Couple.”

These chapters range from 2 to 6 pages. Farago has designed the book so that you can read it all the way through from front to back, or you can select particular chapters of interest. Every chapter contains ideas for solving particular problems. These examples convey the flavor of her suggestions:

“When couples learn how to talk about sex from a place of curiosity and playfulness, they realize that sex talk can be fun. Talk about what you like and want more of. Talk about sex after you have sex, and share your highlights. If sex has become boring, you know it’s time to start growing again.” (p.22)

• “In order to maintain mystery in a long-term relationship, you want an ongoing balance of attachment and independence….Find ways of taking space and doing your own thing. See friends, exercise, or start a new sport or hobby that engages you. Differentiate yourself from your partner in healthy ways. Romantic attachment is important to build trust and safety, but creating space from your partner is the necessary ingredient to building desire.” (p.86)
• “In long-term relationships, consent means more than just asking for sex; it’s asking about what kind of sex we want….It’s a conversation about needs and desires. It’s checking in with your partner and ensuring that you both have an opportunity to express an enthusiastic “yes” to what’s being offered, whether that’s a foot massage, intercourse, or something new on the erotic menu.” (p.274)

I have a mild criticism: what is meant by a “long-term relationship” is never specified. Five years? Fifteen years? Fifty years? We’re left to intuit this.

Although not written specifically for seniors, Farago’s focus on long-term relationships makes this book relevant to the many seniors who live in decades-long marriages. Others of us—widowed or divorced—develop what may become lengthy new relationships outside of marriage in our later years. In both circumstances, The Turned-On Couple offers much helpful advice to older adults.

 

Visit Corinne Farago’s website. Order The Turned-On Couple from your local bookseller, or Bookshop.org (which benefits indie booksellers), or Amazon.

 

 

 

Mac Marshall, PhD is a retired anthropology professor, researcher, and author who is delighted to explore sexuality studies at this time of his life.