This important topic comes up so often when I speak or give interviews that I’m republishing this post from Oct. 2017. Please comment!
When do we lose the right to sexual expression? If we’re lucky enough to be active and independent now, we’re smart enough to realize that a time may come that we no longer can live on our own. What will you want for yourself? For your loved ones? How can you make sure that your wishes are respected?
Take some time to think about these ideas and questions:
- When do we lose the right to sexual expression?
- Does our right to sexual expression end if/when we can no longer live independently? If so, why?
- Who determines whether we can still express ourselves sexually, and by what guidelines do they make that decision?
- Do elders with dementia have the right to sexual expression? Who decides that, and on what basis?
- If staff members have a different personal belief about what’s appropriate sexual behavior (or non-behavior), do their values override our own?
- If family members are uncomfortable with us having a sexual relationship, should their wishes supersede ours?
Personally, I want the right to decide when and how I want to be touched sexually — whether by my own hand, a partner I’ve chosen, or a sex toy that they’d better not pry out of my arthritic hands — for the rest of my life. Don’t you?
If I end up living in a care facility, I imagine I won’t submit to rules easily, unless they are as progressive as the Hebrew Home at Riverdale (NY), which has had a sexual rights policy since 1995, and updates it periodically. Until other homes catch up, it’s up to us to make our wishes clear.
Have you written your Advance Directive for Sexual Rights? Here’s mine:
- Make sure I have an outlet and batteries to keep my sex toys in working order.
- Do not interfere with any warm connection I may be enjoying with any companion I choose, in any way I choose to express that connection.
- If I’m involved with a sexual partner, make sure I have easy access to safer sex protection.
- When I close the door—whether I’m alone or with another person—give me privacy.
- If I’m still capable of sharing information about senior sexuality with residents and or staff, provide me with opportunities to do that.
What are yours?
[Excerpted from The Ultimate Guide to Sex after FiftyHow to Maintain – or Regain – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life by Joan Price]
7/31/19: I wrote this post in January 2017. I’m bringing it to the top again because this research is still sorely needed, and I don’t see the issues changing. Please feel free to contribute your thoughts!
I’m not looking for statistics, such as how many of us are having sex. Doesn’t that depend on (a) how the researchers and the subjects define “having sex” and (b) whether we have what we need (partner, privacy, physical ability, emotional intimacy) to have the kind of sex we want?
I’d like to see research into how we think about sex now, what determines quality of sex, what’s missing in our sexual worlds, what we’re learning about sex and about ourselves during our later years.
So while we’re waiting for the right research to be done, here are some questions for you if you’re over 50, 60, 70 and beyond:
1. If a researcher asked if you are “sexually active,” how would you answer? What would you mean by that answer?
2. How has the definition of “what is sex?” changed or evolved for you over time? What did it used to mean? What does it mean now? What made your definition change (if it changed)?
3. If you could be in any kind of sexual relationship you wanted, what would it be? Never mind how you might be judged — what would be ideal for the real you, maybe the secret you?
4. What would you like to tell our society about sex and aging?
I asked the good folks who follow my Naked at Our Age Facebook page, “If researchers wandered over here to learn what studies we’d like to see conducted about sex and aging, what would you suggest?” Here are some of their suggestions:
- “Studies toward normalizing serial monogamous relationships. As we age, the chances are that we will lose our partner. When that happens, it should be easier to establish new relationships without feeling that we are betraying the partner who has died. We don’t have to give up our former love in order to love another person. I think we can keep the truth and warmth of the past love, have an additional love or two, without feeling that we have violated the truth of the first.”
- “I’d love to see more of an in-depth study on how illness/ disability/ aging affect our sexuality and sex lives.”
- “How about a serious, non-judgmental look at the multi-faceted, complicated reasons for diminished libido as we age? (Hormonal, psychological, physiological.) Why it affects some and not others and methods – again multi-faceted – for those who indeed want to revitalize their libido.”
- “Can ingrained sexual scripts be changed enough so that new ways of ‘having sex’ aren’t seen as less satisfying than former ways?”
- “What is the most effective way to help older adults get on board with safer sex?”
- “The best ways to empower older adults to set, communicate, and respect sexual boundaries.”
- “I’m fascinated by what seems to be a growing popularity of consensual non-monogamy, open marriages, and open relationships in the over 50 crowd. Is this just anecdotal or have others noticed it too?”
- “Re-defining what ‘satisfying sex’ is to align better with how bodies change with age. This could go hand-in-hand with the ever-popular yet hardly discussed question, ‘What is sex?’ It can be so many things.”
- “Seniors discovering and accepting polyamory.”
I’m eager to hear from you, whether you’d like to answer one of my questions or add to the list of what researchers should study. Please post a comment and include your real age.
Let’s keep talking. The conversation has just begun!
P.S. When I invite you to comment, I’m inviting you — real people — to share your personal views. I’m not inviting ads for escort services, ED “cures,” cam sites, or other commercial enterprises. I shouldn’t have to say any of this, but the number of comments I have to delete indicates otherwise. [I know, the trolls and robots aren’t even reading this, but I have to try.]
At age 75, I posed in lingerie with the extraordinary photographer Perry Gallagher. It was my fourth time in fancy underwear in front of a camera. The previous three were at age 65 and 68 with photographer Ruth Lefkowitz, and at age 72 with Perry. I had no idea the first time that this would become a regular event every few years.
It’s fascinating to me to watch my aging process over a decade of being “old” and to affirm that sexiness can be both internal and external. We’re so judgmental about ourselves, especially our bodies!
Oh sure, when I saw the 240 proofs, there were many that made me wince — did my thighs really look so puckered? But there were also many that made me smile and even laugh with joy. It was difficult to narrow down my choices because so many left me awestruck.
Once I made my choices, Perry went to work. When he showed me the first edit, I said no. He had aged me backwards about 15 years by smoothing out the wrinkles, eliminating the skin spots, tightening the midriff. The photo was beautiful and glamorous — and know that he can do that for you, too! — but I wanted authenticity. I told him to edit much more lightly, because I wanted to celebrate aging, not erase it. The photos you see here are the result. I’m thrilled with them.
And the whole process was fun! Perry loves his work and it’s clear that he really does see his subjects as beautiful. We joked and played seductive verbal games. I felt completely at ease with him and with myself.
Here’s what I learned from this photo shoot and from the previous three:
- We are our own worst critics when we assess our own bodies.
- The eyes of a skilled photographer reveal us to ourselves in ways we can’t see on our own.
- Whatever our age or the state of our body, we have beauty.
- Being photographed by a skilled photographer who sees our beauty is empowering.
- We don’t age out of sensuality or sexuality.
Perry Gallagher is a visionary, and I’m proud and honored to be part of his vision. If you’re in or near LA, I hope you’ll contact Perry and book your own photo shoot. Whether you want your photos to be boudoir ( lingerie), fine art nude, portrait, or wedding, I guarantee that Perry will put you at ease and produce beautiful photos. When you meet him, ask him to tell you the story of how he got his first camera.
By the way, I have a standing date with Perry for my 80th birthday!
All photos here by Perry Gallagher Photography except for this one by Mac Marshall:
- Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Loss of Your Beloved, Joan’s newest book, coming August 2019.
- The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain!– a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life, her most comprehensive senior sex book.
- Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex, winner of Outstanding Self-Help Book 2012 from the American Society of Journalists and Authors and 2012 Book Award from American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists.
- Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty, Joan’s spicy memoir celebrating the joys of older-age sexuality.
- Ageless Erotica, a steamy senior sex anthology which Joan conceived and edited.
explores each topic with the same distinct blend of knowledge, experience, and good humor, which led Dee Dennis, the founder of sexuality conference CatalystCon, to praise her as “an amazing sex educator and speaker, who represents a new direction and is breaking new ground” in the sexual self-help genre. The series’ volume on Fellatio earned AVN’s 2012 Best Educational Release trophy, “Anal” was named XBIZ’s 2012 Specialty Release of the Year, “Anal Sex for Men” received AVN’s 2014 Best Educational Release award, and “Plus Size” earned XBIZ’s 2015 Specialty Release of the Year. For more information, visit GuideToWickedSex.com, Facebook.com/GuideToWickedSex, Twitter.com/Guide2WickedSex.
Price, please contact: