What Matters and What Doesn’t As We Age: Reflections on Turning 81
Aging is a precious gift. Those of us who age did not die young. A year ago as I approached my 80th birthday, I promised myself that I would write an article titled “What Matters and What Doesn’t As We Age: Reflections on Turning 80.” I wanted to reflect on what does and doesn’t matter about our changing appearance, bodies, sexuality, capabilities, relationships, hopes, fears, and how we want to live our lives while we can still make these decisions.
I took notes and thought about it a lot, but I didn’t get it done, maybe because I was too busy living: traveling to Australia, giving presentations and media interviews, taking on new writing projects, and abruptly facing new health challenges. Now that I’m about to turn 81, with another year lived and pondered, it’s time for “What Matters and What Doesn’t As We Age: Reflections on Turning 81.”
Some Things I’m Experiencing:
I always pictured 80 as a last gasp before dying. Struggling to hang onto the threads of daily needs and functions, with little or no quality of life. I acknowledge that I’m the recipient of great privilege to say that my brain still works well — not as well as when I was younger and sharper, but well.
My memory never was great, and it’s worse now. I struggle for the right word more often. I have to create routines and tricks to keep track of my phone, my glasses, my coffee mug. Several times a day I stride purposely into a room only to realize I don’t remember what I came here to do. (Fortunately, the elusive intention comes back quickly — so far!) When leaving the house, I have to check that my shoes match!
I’m still writing professionally and giving speeches and interviews internationally. I’m at the top of my career. Retire? Ha! And yet I’ve peeled back my activities to do those that matter most to me, saying “no” more often than “yes” to new projects and invitations.
Health is one thing after another at my age. Some things resolve after a day. Some require medical interventions. Some I need to live with. I don’t care to get into the details, but let’s say I deal with medical issues every day. As Larry Kassman, retired emergency physician and my dear, wise brother, told me, “Our bodies aren’t made to last forever.”
Some Background that Matters
I nearly didn’t make it to age 36, when an automobile accident almost killed me. I suffered many critical injuries, including a smashed face that had to be reconstructed from photographs, a jaw broken in 6 places, a neck fracture, and – the part that couldn’t be fixed — a shattered heel and ankle.
“You’ll walk again,” doctors told me, “but maybe not normally or painlessly.”
“I don’t care about walking normally — I want to dance!” I replied.
A year later, I was teaching aerobic dance. Later I switched to teaching line dancing — which I still do, with great joy!
I’m privileged and grateful that my body works as well as it does. I know firsthand what it looks like and feels like to lose the ability to walk, to eat solid food, to be physically independent. I’m grateful that I’m functioning now, and I know that could change at any moment.
What Does Matter
- Staying connected to the people we love and who love us.
- Keeping love and sexual pleasure alive with intention.
- Keeping our brain active by reading and learning something new every day.
- Doing the activities we care about and letting go of those we don’t.
- Helping others with our knowledge, skills and kindness.
- Staying physically active to the extent we’re able.
- Sharing what we’re learning about aging so it’s less mysterious to others — and to ourselves!
What Doesn’t Matter
Looking older. Wrinkles. Goodness yes, every part of me has wrinkles. Even my wrinkles have wrinkles! I am fascinated by my forearm wrinkles when I hold up my arm to let gravity put on a show. If I turn my wrist slowly, I get a display of changing patterns and textures. Sorry I can’t include a video.
The skin of my thighs, still strong and muscular from more than half a century of dedicated daily exercise, is nonetheless so wrinkled that it seems to fold in on itself. But so what! These thighs still let me walk three miles a day and dance for two hours.
Here’s how I see my aging appearance: When I was young, my genes determined how I looked. Now my age and experience determine how I look. I am happy with that.
Framing My Goals
What will I do today to give myself a sense of accomplishment?
What will I do today to give myself joy and calm?
What will I do today to support my health and wellbeing?
My Advice (if you want advice) from turning 76 in 2019, still useful:
- Move as much as possible — your health depends on it.
- Adopt the “if not now, when?” mindset and live your bucket list now.
- If your relationship situation needs changing, change it.
- Put plans in place now that you might need later: financial, healthcare, will, advance directive.
- Take care of things now that you don’t want your loved ones to have to figure out when you’re unable.
- Spend time with friends — we don’t know how long they’ll be with us.
- Tell the people you love that you love them.
- Learn from the past, celebrate the present, be unafraid of the future.
My Messages to Myself and to You:
- Keep moving, keep learning, keep helping others.
- Some things we can control; others we can’t. Let’s put our efforts into what we can control, change, make better.
- We may be challenged as we age, but we don’t have to be diminished.
- Every year, every day, every step we take is a gift.
- Instead of the fruitless search to regain our youth, let’s celebrate our age and dance forward into the years ahead.
Your Turn:
What matters and what doesn’t as you age? I’d love to hear from you. Please comment, and include your age.
Joan as always I am inspired by your comments on aging. I guess what I am realizing is that those of us who deal with the cards we are dealt, ask for help, engage in community, keep active and tend to our age related health issues are the ones who remain interesting and vivid as we age. It can be easy at times to go down when health issues hit us broadside, but I have scored an amazing PT who is also a DO and he is my gatekeeper. Sometimes the coordination of all the appointments is like rocket science.
I am 70 years old. I never thought of myself as an older person but it is sinking in. I took a horrendous strange fall on the day before my 70th birthday in July. I had already had both knees replaced and the fall not only snapped my femur in half – it dislodged my prothesis. I live in rural N. California and had to be airlifted out to find a surgeon who could save my leg. I had a long surgery on my actual 70th birthday and after a hospital stay and rehab facility – I am at home now graduating to outpatient PT at the local tiny hospital. I am finally up in a walker and still have a long recovery ahead, but it appears I will regain full use of my leg. I write all this as a preface as I already survived late stage Ovarian Cancer (13 years NED), Breast cancer, skin cancer, saphenous vein ablation, neuropathy from the extensive chemo and clinical trial meds. etc… So a pity party was my initial response. I now see that there is always something as we age and while some seem to sail through without a lot of medical intervention, most of us are walking wounded in some fashion and you sure can’t tell from the outside. Sex has always been very important to me and I am determined to not let it go by the wayside with my partner of 50 years. We both have mobility issues and I am beginning to think a hot-tub is going to be our only way to proceed. I am finally back in the pool at our local aquatic center and water is my church.
I would love to hear from couples who have had to do the caregiver role as well as this has come up with us after my latest big uh-oh. He sees me differently. We are in couples therapy but may have to consider a sex therapist or maybe re-define our conditions of our relationship. Many of my friends have open relationships, I am not sure if I am emotionally capable of this, but it is another option. we haven’t had sex in a long time and it may be awkward to start up especially because he appears to see me differently.
Also interested in hearing from others that have owies and mobility issues and how you have been creative with different ways to have fun sex. My partner seems fixated on vaginal sex, which I love and finally after internal pelvic PT can enjoy, but it is not my #1 priority.
Thanks for doing the work you do, thanks for being open and honest and brave.
Hello;
Would like your advice. I am 85 happily married but my wife has not been interested in sex for some time. I have found a lady who loves sex but is much younger than myself. I really want to meet her and have sex. Is this wrong to think this way.
Robert, I fear that this much younger lady who is offering sex — even though she has never met you — is after your money, not your body. This isn’t the place that I can give you detailed advice. I invite you to submit your question with much more backstory to my “contact” page (https://joanprice.com/contact). It might be right for my Senior Planet column or a private consultation.
Having wished you a happy birthday, I want to say a bit more in response to your post. I’m 72 now. When I was younger, sex with others was very important to me. It was a driving force in my relationships with women, determining whether those relationships occurred and how long they occurred, and expressing much of their character and inner nature. In more recent years, my sexuality has expressed itself pretty much exclusively through self pleasuring. I’ve found that in many ways my relationships with women have become more relaxed, deeper, and more stable, relieved of the burden of sexual expectatiobs and complications. I do miss physical intimacy with another, but have not felt the need to invest a lot of time and energy in seeking it. On the other hand, my mental activity is at a high a level as ever, reading, writing, exploring, enjoying the companionship of people who are important to me. Physically, I continue to learn new skills and enjoy new pursuits – most recently, for example, learning to miw my lawn with a scythe. I am sad that I am losing the ability to engage in some things that I had loved, such as long distance backpacking, and to learn some new skills, such as kite windsurfing. But I constantly am discovering new things to learn and do! I suppose that some day I will feel I have had enough of this world that I am ready to leave it. That day seems very far off.
Hi Joan
I have followed you for some time now,and as far as l know you are the only “senior” who has actually brought the subject of ageing and sex for a seemingly forgotten age group to the fore.
I myself am 68yrs old and still work full time. I do suffer from severe arthritis,but l just get through it. I have an eleven month old Labradoodle that requires a lot of exercise,so l keep fit.
I live in the South East of England,but it’s good to know what our American cousins get up to. It appears that sex for older people is still a bit taboo for us Brits,which is quite sad really,considering the comments from your contributors,that suggests that they are still active in mind and body and happy to share stories,tips and enthusiasm.
We older Brits still seem to have a Victorian attitude towards sex in our later years,which sadly condemns us to a solitary and seditantry life in our later years.
Paradoxically l have met a couple of women in their 70’s and one in her 80’s that have been quite devoid of any inhibitions.
An example is my next door neighbour. We have become very friendly since l moved next door 3yrs ago. She is 77 and very active and attractive.
She has been divorced for 34yrs and lives alone. She said that she has no need for a man,yet always touches me when in conversation,and has made some out of character remarks,but that old British reserve creeps in on my part.
What are other people’s experiences?
Much Love and best wishes on your birthday.
What sort of “out of character remarks,” Roger? I wonder if she’s trying to send you a signal. Get one of my books and leave it in plain sight when you invite her to come over for tea or coffee (is it always tea in England?). The conversation may get more open, especially if you have a bookmark in the book!
Dear Joan,
Thanks for the prompt and invitation to respond. We are 50 years together, 43 years married, and share a perspective on what continues to matter–and what continues to matter less–as we have aged and yet continue to grow together.
What has mattered most.
1. We have a set of shared values that have sustained us over the decades. They are: honesty in all things; authentic affection freely expressed; trust in each other; communication that is bidirectional and wide open; and honoring the other as an individual and not just what they bring to the relationship. When we have hit rough patches — every couple hits rough patches–these have sustained us.
2. The other thing that has mattered most is a consistent focus on health and well-being–physical health, mental health, emotional health, and–yes–sexual health. Health is much more than the absence of illness–it is the opportunity and the ability to meet and live each day fully and with gratitude. Sleep, eating and drinking in moderation, hitting the gym, seeing and responding to our healthcare providers–that stuff matters. Making time each and every day for each other — including touch and words and sex–that’s part of healthy, happy hedonism.
What has mattered less.
First, what other people think of us. So long as what we do does not impinge or intrude on their lives, their opinions of our lives simply don’t matter to us. That doesn’t mean we are insensitive, but we live our lives to make ourselves happy and not them. We love interacting with others, but if we somehow disappoint them or generate their disapproval, we simply find others to spend time with.
Second, material things. We find ourselves progressively decluttering our lives, getting rid of stuff we neither need nor use. We hold onto practical things — clothes that keep us warm. We hold on to happy things that surface great memories. The rest…it’s just ‘stuff’ and stuff tends to weigh us down.
Third, the inevitabilities of aging. Skin changes, joints get creaky, the collapse of interverterbral discs that take our vertical height away, hair loss/gain in the wrong places–comes to all with time. The gifts of old age are not guaranteed for everyone, and we ought to be celebrating the opportunity to witness the change.
Fourth, social norms. We like being “naked at our age”, and choose that as our default option. (We’re clothed when practical, nude when possible. We’re nudists, not idiots. ) The sign on our hot tub says “swimsuits not allowed”. Want to join us? Get naked, rinse off, step in. Similarly, we like touch, and taste and smell and hearing and seeing — all of that is part of sex. Passion is fun, orgasms are great, and if the idea of geriatic sex is somehow disconcerting, that’s your choice. Otherwise autonomy rules, “no means no” and only “yes” means yes, and preferences are not to be confused with value judgments.
Have fun on the journey!
Joan, wishing you a very happy birthday. I never really thought I would get “old” –feh, yuck, not me. Since I was so book smart, I skipped grades and ended up being the youngest. I loved it. But, book smart does not lend itself to real life, and I just never seemed to really get it right. I married at 19. I had my first baby just a couple of months shy of my 20th birthday. I had my second baby at 22. See, this is all according to the books–marry a Jewish boy, 2 children–three years apart…Then what? I became anorexic/bulimia. I went to school for nursing and have graduate degrees and certifications galore. I always worked in off the beaten path settings: developmental and intellectual disabilities and then with older adults. Sigh. I am still kinda working–mostly because I don’t have much else meaningful to do. Oh, I am oh so good at my “job” but still sad/lonely. There’s more I could say, but I won’t bore you any more. At any rate, thank you for your really cool insights and offerings. Stay beautiful
I love your stories and comments, they are so inspiring. As for me, I am 91 years young and still enjoying life because I always get out and socialize. That’s very important. Also I have none of the old age illnesses that slow down a lot of people my age, I never get sick and I never say I can’t do something. I am truly blessed.
At 86 and 84, my wife of 63 years and I are enjoying an active life which begins every weekday with :50 minutes of AquaFit at a nearby pool. We still deliver ‘meals on wheels’ every Friday and enjoy our weekly dates on Sunday mornings. Having both recovered from various cancers , we count our blessings that old age is just another step in a great journey through life. It took us a while to accept that we were slowing down but taking longer to do some things just makes that more enjoyable.
Yes, we have a few regrets but mostly look back with good memories.
Joan you are such an inspiration and it is always so motivational, and empowering, to read your blog and posts and reviews.
I’d begun to worry as I topped 60 that I’d begun to “spread and sag” but discovering your wonderful website, videos and continuing posts has been one of the most important factors in me to look again at all the wonderful moments and experiences that Hubby and I’s lifestyle has given us.
As so often with your posts, I find myself nodding along and agreeing out loud with every paragraph here.
Thank you so much for being you … and staying true to all you believe in !!!
Xxx – K
Joan: I am 79 years young!! I went to a religious one-day retreat and decided that I was not going to say yes to anything that did not feed my soul, mind, body and spirit. My mantra is “When was the last time you did something for the first time?” This gives me a sense of ADVENTURE! I am continuing to bicycle and walk. Now I am exploring different places and meeting new people!
The article and comments are a terrific read. My partner, Linda, is 78. We’ve been together 44 years. We’re still volatile. She is the best choice I made. We didn’t live together for the first five years of our relationship, which has always been open. She’s a former Centerfold who is still erotic and interested. She stepped out of a taxi in San Francisco, in 1980, and I was smitten.
I fooled myself. I thought mortality was going to skip me. I’ve had a lifetime without illness, injury or surgery. Three years ago, my back fell apart neurologically. After surgery and over a year off, I went back to work this year. It was a good choice. Grooming is also important. It helps my attitude. For over a decade, a monthly massage, haircut, facial, manicure and pedicure and twice weekly visits from a kinesiologist have been staples for me. Linda told me that what used to look hippie at 30, looked derelict at 70. I heard her.
David, I’m moved by your story. I love how you dealt with your devastating challenge with your determination to do the large and small things that give you purpose and pleasure. Linda sounds wonderful.
Linda is a gem. She fed me like a baby after I fell down a flight of 14 stays while in a neck brace. I broke a rib, a wrist and a shoulder. It’s been a long road back.
I love your statement: “we’re still volatile!” I shall continue to strive for volatility!
No bruises, but lots of the F and C words. LOL
I have so much admiration and respect for you, Joan. You’re such a wonderful role model and mentor for us younger sex-positive educators and activists (I’m 51.)
Happy birthday!!! Love, Kendra
Joan, I so appreciated these reflections. I’m close behind you. And I’ve been lucky healthwise, but for some age-related events. For me, the biggest challenge is attitude! There’s so much baggage that’s associated with aging, and letting go of it can sometimes be challenging. You’re a surivor and a role model.
Happy birthday, dear friend and teacher!
I just turned 76 and can relate to much that you said. I wonder about how long I have and what to do with that time and what shape I will be in when I go. I don’t want to spend all that time discussing my health and what’s wrong with my body and mind. But none of us knows when and how we’ll go. I live in community but often choose to be alone. Friends and lovers have died and I mourn them. I have to face the limits in what I can do and yet push myself to do more. It’s challenging just to be alive.
I always look forward to your newsletter. In this one, I am especially grateful for your reflections on aging. The way you frame your goals is succinct and covers body, mind and spirit. I’m going to adopt them. You are a delightful picture of “growing older with grace and fun.”
Thank you.
Nothing really prepared me for aging. I am 83, still working part-time from home. I am still following all the covid precautions and avoid in-person activities. I have had anaphylaxis, and that really scared me, especially since it was a reaction to a drug I had been taking for a week. I am extremely fearful of any drugs. Although I am a regular participant in zoom events, e.g., zumba classes, and have a lot of new friends in these groups, I have very few close friends still alive. I always had a lot of physical strength, always able to do yard work and minor home repairs, able to lift almost anything. Wrinkles, etc., are not a problem at all. Styles, trends, status are nothing. I realize I am so lucky to have good eyesight and am able to drive effortlessly.
Thanks for your reflections. I’m turning 83 on November 28.. almost two rears ago I started a journey of self discovery, trying to get in touch with my body after living in my head most if my life, seeking out new experiences, learnings, and ways of living more authentically. I was a widowed, unpartnered and celibate for a decade after a thirty year monogamous marriage.
I found your books and many others in the process, along with Body Electric, Wheel of Consent, HAI, and other somatic workshops, both online and in person. I found a sexological body worker in Canada and have spent time with him twice. I’m still in the ongoing process of clearing out old beliefs I thought I had rid myself of long ago, and learning to experience my body in different ways. In doing all this, I’ve found myself open to relationships I could not have imagined, and my life is richer for it.
I’m still 82, with all that implies, but still moving, doing tai chi, taking yoga classes, singing, and essentially living as if I’ll live forever. I guess the message is it’s never too late to prioritize and find pleasure in living every single day. It’s been extremely helpful to find people like you along the way. Thank you.
Hi Pamela! I am 71, having a hard time accepting aging, but starting to find my way. Wanted to say that I found your words very inspirational. You give me hope. Thanks!
Thank you for this article, Ms. Price. I’m 67 and facing my elder years. (When younger I would have seen 60’s as “elder years”, but our perspective shifts over time!) Thank you, too, to your commenters — they are an amazing group of thinkers and doers with much to offer. I find a lot here to keep in mind as I move forward in life; my parents lived into their late 80’s, so I anticipate many more years to come. The only thing I am lacking is a romantic partner with whom to share my love and sexual desire. I am still mourning the end of a brief but incredible relationship. I will search for a new partner and try to hold up hope of finding another great love with whom to share the remainder of my (or his) life. Yes, we need to each be happy with and within ourselves, but I know I am happiest with a special man in my life.
I’m 76 and I love what Joan is getting at. We have to take care of ourselves and take care of each other. We have to do both. It sounds so simple but it takes a lot of guts and commitment. Sometimes it’s much easier to be grumpy and lay on the couch. But try not to. Turn off the tv, take a walk, kiss your partner, write a poem. As Joan says, “keep moving, keep learning, keep helping others.” Joan has the key.
WHAT MATTERS
Over the past decade I’ve turned increasingly inward. I spend more time alone, by choice. I pay more attention to self-care. I focus more on personal fitness, especially via walking, exercise and hiking. I continue to pursue my lifelong interest in travel, and take international trips at least annually. Fortunately, my partner also enjoys her alone time and we Live Apart Together happily and successfully. She is also a fitness buff. We reinforce one another’s efforts to exercise via line dancing, Pilates, walking/hiking and related pursuits. The thing that matters MOST to me at age 81 is my wonderful relationship with an intellectually alive, physically active, sexually thrilling, and all-around scintillating life partner.
WHAT DOESN’T MATTER
Most of my life has been spent as an academic–7 years of graduate school , and 34 years as a faculty member. I was very fortunate in my work career, indeed I excelled at and thoroughly enjoyed it. But over the past decade I have distanced myself more and more from my identity as an anthropologist. I no longer keep up with the literature. I no longer attend conferences. I no longer write anthropology books and articles. I no longer obsessively maintain voluminous notes on the populace of my study community. I no longer “do anthropology.” Being a professional anthropologist no longer matters to me.
I very much value Mac’s deep knowledge gained through the years of teaching, study and experience as an anthropologist in the field. Mac, thank you for all that you bring to me and those you communicate with. My own lesser degree and study in sociology have given me an even greater appreciation of your points of view in our reading groups.
Mac, I hope others are inspired by your focus on your fitness, self-care, and relationship. I agree that self-care at this age needs to be a priority. It takes commitment. It isn’t always easy. You’re in fine health not because of your genes, but because of your determination and daily routine.
I know your anthropology colleagues and students still learn from you and admire you — you hear from former grad students still, and your body of work speaks for itself. And though you’re not active in that field now, your knowledge still teaches others directly and indirectly.
At 80, I am experiencing a decline in romantic interactions with my wife of 50* years but we still are fully engaged on home care and health care for one-another. Both of us are active in things we hope to contribute to neighborhood health, safety and economic preservation. I do trail maintenance and wildfire fuel reduction in the open space preserve, and Susie is actively ensuring residents are prepared for emergencies, leading a COPE team, and building the familiarity of the neighborhood with fire and earthquake safety.
I love how you and Susie are actively helping others, Earle — even potentially saving lives. We all need to find ways to give our lives meaning at this time of life, and you two are certainly doing that.
I have come to accept a low level depression which my friend/therapist Ron says is common, if not universal, in older people. Besides sustaining losses, many things have not turned out as I would have liked or needed and there isn’t enough time left to fix them. On the other hand, I have what some people would call wisdom. The interesting thing is that so few people are interested in hearing it, so I write it in my books and posts. People like to learn for themselves and the older I get, the less I tell them what to do or what works for me. QiGong has improved my physical, mental, and emotional health. I’ve figured out a helpful regimen of vitamin and other supplements. I love the sociability and exercise of line dancing and pickleball. I play in a musical group once a week. I wouldn’t recommend any of these things to others. They’re just me. Friends are precious, but also precious is a newfound comfort, even delight, in living alone.
“I have what some people would call wisdom. The interesting thing is that so few people are interested in hearing it, so I write it in my books and posts.” Don’t stop doing that, Ann! Your wisdom is appreciated, especially by readers of your most recent book, “The Sweet Pain of Being Alive” : https://joanprice.com/2024/02/the-sweet-pain-of-being-alive-author-interview.html
The comments I’m reading here warm my heart. Readers, I hope you’ll add yours. I welcome your reactions and your own lists!
Such good advice, Joan. Thanks for your honesty, vulnerability, and practicality.
My tip for remembering why you went into the other room? Name the mission out loud when you get up!
Ashton, your comment made me laugh, because I do this! I repeat my instructions to myself like a mantra until I arrive and complete what I came here to do! I also gently slap my face when I get into the shower to make sure I remembered to remove my glasses! Any other tips or weird things you do to remember the forgettables, readers?
I am an inveterate and unrepentant note writer. My kitchen counter has lists of things to be done for the next two or three days. I scan these every morning over coffee. While I’ve written such notes-to-self for decades, they’ve now become an integral part of my daily life.
Scanning notes to self – the notes themselves for me, a necessity in keeping someone organized and efficient- adding scanning could make my process even more helpful. Thanks
Phenomenal summary of so much wisdom. Having your influence in my life from such an early age– starting in my early twenties and continuing now in my early thirties– feels like the biggest cheat code! What a gift to have your clarity and perspective to keep me grounded and guide me through what is hopefully only the beginning of my life.
I’m 33 now, and it’s only in the last year or two that I’ve finally been able to put into action letting go of what I can’t control, and focusing on what I can control. What a game changer! I’ve managed to maintain peace and even feel joy despite prolonged tumult in some of my most treasured relationships.
Figuring out the exact flavor of my neurodivergence has finally halted the cycle of burnout and depression. I’m finally building, slowly adding in the things that matter to me most: building consistency with strength training, walking outdoors, reading, writing. Hoping to add in a dance class soon! For now, dancing around my kitchen and living room will suffice.
I do find it hard to not be afraid of the future, especially the big things outside of my control: climate chaos, political upheaval, the rise of misinformation. But I do what I can to keep focusing on what’s within my control, and hope that the small changes being made by myself and others who share my values will create a future beyond our imagination.
Love you, Chloe. I’m so proud of you and all your strength and wisdom. Keep up the good work, Sweetie. ❤️Grammy
“I do find it hard to not be afraid of the future, especially the big things outside of my control” — yes, that’s a huge concern, Chloe. I find it helpful to tell myself I can’t control these big things, but I can find smaller things I can do to help, e.g. speak up when I see wrongdoing, contribute to candidates and causes that matter, consume less — even actions as simple as composting and thanking librarians!
Joan, what a fantastic thing you’ve done. This post and the beautiful conversation that follows is a gift to everyone who finds and reads it. It’s your birthday but it’s our gift. I’m so lucky to have found this.
There’s much to say on the topic and on the gift of aging. I was happily but cautiously aging until, at 73 years, I got cancer. But even that has not greatly interfered with the way I want to live my life. I’ve had recurrences and what I think of as different offshoots of the original cancer. I really don’t like getting scans and hearing the results. I guess there are lots of things I don’t like but for some reason, the will to live a good life continues to overshadow the hard parts. For now.
I used to tell myself, you’re really not old till you get sick. I’ve read the surgeon and author Atul Gawande and I’ve seen him speak. His knowledge and openness abut mortality helped me even before I thought too much about aging or illness. He got me thinking and imagining who I would be once I was old. I discovered that even serious illness and the side effects from treatments can feel like challenges with which we can coexist. Again, I remind myself, at least for the moment.
We do have a responsibility to support those deep into aging and/or serious illness. Joan is right to emphasize activity. It’s the top item on my cardiologist’s list of important things, also. Me, too.
As things change, connections with friends and family are not just important to me, they are essential. I’m learning now that I need to hear the voices of loved ones. I need to see their faces and have meals with them. I need to avoid confinement at any cost. But I also learned, in part because of covid, that slowing down has its pleasures. Your home becomes so much more important, and comforting, as does reading and, in my case, writing.
I’m currently in conversation with the late poet, novelist and journal writer May Sarton. She writes about solitude, the people she loves, what she needs for her mental heath, and aging. Every day I read an entry in “The House by the Sea” and I pull out and write down her most meaningful paragraphs in that day’s entry, and I respond in my own abutting journal entry.
I learn from Joan and Mac, from May Sarton, and so many others. Together we root ourself, nourish ourselves.
Stay active, physically and mentally, for as long as we can, and stay connected. It takes real effort and there are cold, windy, icy or snowy days when you would prefer doing anything but taking a 3.5 mile walk along a stormy ocean. But if you do get out there, even to the end of the block and back, you most likely return charged and proud of your will and what you come back home with. Great photos. The look of trees holding on for dear life. The roar of an ocean that sounds like a monstrous animal snoring. The wind pushing and shoving your house so hard you feel seasick. These are stories you can’t wait to share.
This is a gorgeous personal essay, Rae. I hope people will read it, ponder it, appreciate it. You’re a beautiful writer and profound thinker.
I’ve been following you for a bit and even been in one of your books.
I’m 72 and still ride my bicycle, I’ve been cross country twice on a motorcycle in the last couple of years and walk 2-4 hours at least 3 times a week. I recently took on a part time job at a bicycle shop.
I’m a trained sex educator, so that also makes me the “eccentric/cool” uncle that can have the conversations with nephews and nieces that parents might find difficult.
I like my “alone” time but still make time for friends and family, visits to my sis include time with her pack of canines that are always ecstatic to see me.
My sex life?
I’ve enjoyed my solo endeavors and more recently been engaging with long time friends. I think it’s great that my body still responds when called upon to do so.
My body… uh yeah. It’s changed but I still have all my original bits and pieces and I still look pretty good. (note: I didn’t add “for my age”)
I don’t sweat the small stuff and it’s easier for me to say “NO” to certain things and people these days and a resounding “HELL YES!” to particular events and individuals.
Thank you so much, Jim. I love your upbeat acceptance of aging. I hope your comments will inspire others to add theirs.
Delighted to know you are still truckin’. Sorry you have had health issues.
Wishing you as many more birthdays as you want.
Stay active and sexy my fellow traveler.