Posts Tagged ‘“best of” Joan’s blog’
What Matters and What Doesn’t As We Age: Reflections on Turning 81
Aging is a precious gift. Those of us who age did not die young. A year ago as I approached my 80th birthday, I promised myself that I would write an article titled “What Matters and What Doesn’t As We Age: Reflections on Turning 80.” I wanted to reflect on what does and doesn’t matter about our changing appearance, bodies, sexuality, capabilities, relationships, hopes, fears, and how we want to live our lives while we can still make these decisions.
I took notes and thought about it a lot, but I didn’t get it done, maybe because I was too busy living: traveling to Australia, giving presentations and media interviews, taking on new writing projects, and abruptly facing new health challenges. Now that I’m about to turn 81, with another year lived and pondered, it’s time for “What Matters and What Doesn’t As We Age: Reflections on Turning 81.”
Some Things I’m Experiencing:
I always pictured 80 as a last gasp before dying. Struggling to hang onto the threads of daily needs and functions, with little or no quality of life. I acknowledge that I’m the recipient of great privilege to say that my brain still works well — not as well as when I was younger and sharper, but well.
My memory never was great, and it’s worse now. I struggle for the right word more often. I have to create routines and tricks to keep track of my phone, my glasses, my coffee mug. Several times a day I stride purposely into a room only to realize I don’t remember what I came here to do. (Fortunately, the elusive intention comes back quickly — so far!) When leaving the house, I have to check that my shoes match!
I’m still writing professionally and giving speeches and interviews internationally. I’m at the top of my career. Retire? Ha! And yet I’ve peeled back my activities to do those that matter most to me, saying “no” more often than “yes” to new projects and invitations.
Health is one thing after another at my age. Some things resolve after a day. Some require medical interventions. Some I need to live with. I don’t care to get into the details, but let’s say I deal with medical issues every day. As Larry Kassman, retired emergency physician and my dear, wise brother, told me, “Our bodies aren’t made to last forever.”
Some Background that Matters
I nearly didn’t make it to age 36, when an automobile accident almost killed me. I suffered many critical injuries, including a smashed face that had to be reconstructed from photographs, a jaw broken in 6 places, a neck fracture, and – the part that couldn’t be fixed — a shattered heel and ankle.
“You’ll walk again,” doctors told me, “but maybe not normally or painlessly.”
“I don’t care about walking normally — I want to dance!” I replied.
A year later, I was teaching aerobic dance. Later I switched to teaching line dancing — which I still do, with great joy!
I’m privileged and grateful that my body works as well as it does. I know firsthand what it looks like and feels like to lose the ability to walk, to eat solid food, to be physically independent. I’m grateful that I’m functioning now, and I know that could change at any moment.
What Does Matter
- Staying connected to the people we love and who love us.
- Keeping love and sexual pleasure alive with intention.
- Keeping our brain active by reading and learning something new every day.
- Doing the activities we care about and letting go of those we don’t.
- Helping others with our knowledge, skills and kindness.
- Staying physically active to the extent we’re able.
- Sharing what we’re learning about aging so it’s less mysterious to others — and to ourselves!
What Doesn’t Matter
Looking older. Wrinkles. Goodness yes, every part of me has wrinkles. Even my wrinkles have wrinkles! I am fascinated by my forearm wrinkles when I hold up my arm to let gravity put on a show. If I turn my wrist slowly, I get a display of changing patterns and textures. Sorry I can’t include a video.
The skin of my thighs, still strong and muscular from more than half a century of dedicated daily exercise, is nonetheless so wrinkled that it seems to fold in on itself. But so what! These thighs still let me walk three miles a day and dance for two hours.
Here’s how I see my aging appearance: When I was young, my genes determined how I looked. Now my age and experience determine how I look. I am happy with that.
Framing My Goals
What will I do today to give myself a sense of accomplishment?
What will I do today to give myself joy and calm?
What will I do today to support my health and wellbeing?
My Advice (if you want advice) from turning 76 in 2019, still useful:
- Move as much as possible — your health depends on it.
- Adopt the “if not now, when?” mindset and live your bucket list now.
- If your relationship situation needs changing, change it.
- Put plans in place now that you might need later: financial, healthcare, will, advance directive.
- Take care of things now that you don’t want your loved ones to have to figure out when you’re unable.
- Spend time with friends — we don’t know how long they’ll be with us.
- Tell the people you love that you love them.
- Learn from the past, celebrate the present, be unafraid of the future.
My Messages to Myself and to You:
- Keep moving, keep learning, keep helping others.
- Some things we can control; others we can’t. Let’s put our efforts into what we can control, change, make better.
- We may be challenged as we age, but we don’t have to be diminished.
- Every year, every day, every step we take is a gift.
- Instead of the fruitless search to regain our youth, let’s celebrate our age and dance forward into the years ahead.
Your Turn:
What matters and what doesn’t as you age? I’d love to hear from you. Please comment, and include your age.
Welcome, New Readers!
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Read or Watch!
You’ll find plenty of free information and helpful tips on my website and blog. When you’re ready to dig more deeply and learn how to enrich your sex life and relationships, my books and webinars are valuable resources. All my books are available for purchase in the United States from my website. I’ll autograph them for you and, upon request, I’m happy to add a personalized inscription to you or your gift recipient.
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Recordings of these five webinars are available for viewing:
See descriptions of each webinar.
Talk to Me Privately
Please email me for information, describing the concerns or problems you’d like help with. I’ll respond with the procedure and fee. I’d love to help you.
From a recent consultation client:
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My 
Do you have sexual concerns that you’d like to discuss with me privately? As a sex educator specializing in senior sexuality for 19 years, I am available for fee-based personal consultations via Zoom.
Vibrators for Seniors – especially for first-timers
Are you new to sex
toys and nervous about buying one? Why should you even care about vibrators? You got this far in life without one, so what’s the big deal? Read on to learn more about vibrators for seniors.
A well-chosen, well-placed vibrator can be the difference between orgasm and no orgasm for seniors – it’s sometimes that simple.
Many older bodies need more intense stimulation than fingers or a mouth or partner’s genitals can provide. Our own or a lover’s hand and other body parts may feel wonderful and arousing, but many of us feel stuck without more intensity: vibrator-quality intensity.
If this rings true for you, you’re not defective – this is just how your body works. Lucky for us, there are many excellent options guaranteeing that you can find one – or many! – that get you from arousal to orgasm.
What do seniors need?
I started reviewing vibrators on this blog in 2009, when I was a mere youth of 66. The older I got, the fussier I became about the sex toy qualities that work best for seniors and for me personally. Now I review products “from a senior perspective” because the needs of older bodies differ from younger folks. For example:
- We need vibrators that give us intense sensation when needed. Our hormones and blood flow no longer rush to arouse us, so we need more powerful stimulation to rev us up. Man
y of us can’t reach orgasm without it. If we’re longtime vibrator users, we may find that a toy from our past is no longer strong enough. - We need vibrators that don’t quit on us. Arousal is slower and less dependable for most of us. Our vibrators need to warm us up and stay with us for as long as we need, without overheating, losing their charge, or irritating sensitive tissues.
- We want comfort. Older vulvas and vaginas are more delicate than they were in our youth. Despite needing more sensation, most of us don’t want hard materials or pounding pressure. We may need cushioning between the strong, rumbling vibrations and our sensitive skin.
- We want ergonomic design. Arthritic wrists and hands are common. It hurts when we must bend or twist our wrist to hold a toy in position. We like strong vibrations on our genitals but not pulsing through our hands. The best designed vibrators let us concentrate on our pleasure without worrying how long our wrists can hold out.
- Many of us want slimmer insertable toys. Vulva owners who enjoy vaginal penetration may require a slim fit for comfort now. Learn what you need for your own comfort. Check the dimensions of the thickest insertable part of a product before ordering.
- We require body-safe materials. Some of the cheapest toys (especially knock-offs from shady stores or Amazon) are made of toxic materials that don’t belong anywhere near the fragile skin of aging
genitals. Purchase quality products from known vendors. - Penis vibrators, no erection required. Penis owners benefit from the extra stimulation of vibrators. Older penises may have unreliable erections or ED, but they can still feel pleasure and reach orgasm with the right stimulation. They need sex toys that don’t require an erection to use it, unlike the “masturbation sleeve” products. Creative companies like Hot Octopuss have designed powerful vibrators that work even when the penis is semi-hard or flaccid.
- Bonus points for easy controls. We want controls we can see and differentiate, even with slippery, lubed fingers. What a buzz kill when we meant to press “power up” for stronger intensity, and instead we hit “power off”! Please, sex toy manufacturers, don’t make us grab our reading glasses mid-action. Give us controls we can adjust by touch.
How do I know what I want?
If you’re a sex toy novice, don’t buy the first product that looks good in an ad or on the shelf. Obviously, you can’t take it to a back room to give it an orgasmic whirl before buying, but this process will help you choose:
- What do you personally need to orgasm? There are so many different shapes, sizes, and styles of vibrators, and we’re all different in what works for us. Read my “How to Choose a Vibrator” to narrow your choices. Answer the 8 questions there to narrow down your choices.
- Watch my Sex Toys for Seniors webinar. This 90-minute crash course in sex toys for seniors covers what vibrators can do for you that a hand or partner can’t, how to choose the b
est one(s) for you, busting myths about vibrator use (such as whether it will desensitize you and how to address a partner’s objections), and much more. I show you a large selection of highly recommended vibrators and help you decide if they’re right for you. See my webinar page for pricing. - Read reviews (such as mine from a senior perspective) to get a better idea of how certain toys work for some people. Use reviews to further narrow down your choices. Learn to discern between a review (someone personally tested the product and reports on the experience) and a marketing promotion (designed to sell the product, not help you evaluate if it’s for you).
- Emphasize quality over cost if you can afford it. The higher-priced items don’t cut corners in product design, body-safe materials, and reliability. They’ll last longer, too.
- Learn as much as you can about the products you’re considering, asking yourself, “Which one(s) would be right for my needs, my challenges, my preferences? If there’s a progressive, education-based sex toy store in your area, visit in person. If not, purchase from online retailers that emphasize customer satisfaction and an openness to the needs of our age group, such as the ones I link to in reviews and on my blog’s right-hand column.
I originally wrote a slightly different version of this post for the Lion’s Den blog. You can see the original here.
When Sexual Desire Changes – and What to do About It
“I just don’t feel sexual desire anymore,” many senior women tell me. They miss the excitement, pleasure, and intimacy of sex, and they ask me how to fix this. Others have decided that they’re done with sex and wish their partners would stop pressuring them. Often the lovers and spouses are the ones who reach out to me: “My partner doesn’t desire sex with me anymore, and it’s killing me.”
Many seniors find that sex continues to be terrific, even better than ever, and finally we’re talking out loud about that. But those who avoid sex out of lack of desire usually think that’s just the way things are when we age — but that’s not true!
Spontaneous vs responsive desire
As we age and hormones recede, we may not feel that biological urge or drive for sex anymore. Our bodies and brain don’t automatically kick into gear, even with someone who would have inspired us to peel off our clothes a few decades ago. In fact, there’s nothing “automatic” about our sexual responses at all. That doesn’t mean you don’t feel desire. It means you don’t feel “spontaneous desire,” which is biologically driven, propelled by hormones.
As we age, spontaneous desire wanes, that’s normal. But that isn’t the only way to experience desire, and it doesn’t have to close down our sexual pleasure.
“Responsive desire” means that you feel desire in response to pleasure and arousal. In other words, instead of having sex because you feel desire in advance, you’re letting yourself relax and open to the pleasure and stimulation of physiological arousal. Then the desire will kick in.
How do you know if this is relevant to you personally? Do you ever resist sex at first because you’re not particularly in the mood, but once you get started, your arousal grows and then you’re really into it? That’s responsive desire. That’s especially true if, at the end, you say, “Wow, that was good. Why don’t we do that more often?”
As Emily Nagoski, Ph. D, explains in Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life:
The standard narrative of sexual desire is that it just appears – you’re sitting at lunch or walking down the street, maybe you see a sexy person or think a sexy thought, and pow! You’re saying to yourself, “I would like some sex!” This is how it works for maybe 75 percent of men and 15 percent of women…That’s “spontaneous” desire.
But some people find that they begin to want sex only after sexy things are already happening. And they’re normal. They don’t have “low” desire, they don’t suffer from any ailment… Their bodies just need some more compelling reason than, “That’s an attractive person right there,” to want sex.
For more about women’s sexual desire and response, I heartily recommend Nagoski’s book. Read more about spontaneous vs. responsive desire.
How to talk with your partner
Lack of communication makes lack of desire far worse. The jilted partner thinks, “It’s me. My lover doesn’t desire me anymore.” The partner who’s been turned away over and over feels frustrated, alone, unloved, unwanted. They may decide that cheating, leaving, or becoming a monk are the only options. Soon it’s not just sex that feels mismatched — it’s the whole relationship.
Don’t let that happen. Talk to each other openly, lovingly, without blame. Listen to each other without interrupting. Ask for clarification. When you respond to the other, explain your feelings without arguing or coming across as defensive.
Read these sample scripts. Would one of them help get you started? If not, write your own.
• “I admit I’ve been resisting sex lately and I know this hurts you. I love you very much, and I’d like to explain what’s going on for me and hear how you feel.”
• “I’m having difficulty feeling sexual desire. It’s not you — it’s how my body is working these days. I’ve learned about something called ‘responsive desire’ that I’d like to tell you about. Then let’s try it.”
• “I’d like to try a no-goals cuddle time where we’re naked in bed, holding each other, with no assumption that it has to lead to sex. If it does, we’ll enjoy it. But if it doesn’t, we’ll still enjoy holding each other.”
If you can’t have this kind of conversation on your own successfully, please enlist the help of an age-positive, sex-positive couples’ counselor or a sex therapist. The future of your relationship may depend on it.
What to do instead of waiting to be in the mood
(excerpted from “Getting Your Mojo Back” in The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50:
How to Maintain – or Regain – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life)
I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to approach our sexuality in this new way: Relax, start getting physically aroused, emotional arousal will happen, and voila, we’ll be in the mood. So the key is to commit to regular sex, partnered or solo. How does this translate to real life?
Here are some tips:
• Schedule sex dates with your partner and/or with yourself.
• Create rituals with your partner that signal sex would be welcome.
• Allow plenty of time for warm up.
• Make sex a habit. The more you do it, the more you’ll want to do it.
Final word
“You may have just saved my marriage,” a woman told me after I explained responsive desire at a presentation. Incorporate this into your sex life — you may feel the same!
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This article originally appeared as part of Lion’s Den Senior Sex Month, July 2022, at https://www.lionsden.com/blog/when-desire-changes.
