Getting Off: A Woman’s Guide to Masturbation
Getting Off: A Woman’s Guide to Masturbation, by Jamye Waxman (Seal Press, 2007), is a jaunty, woman-to-woman guide to everything you need to know about how to “fiddle, twiddle, tug, rub, flick, circle, tap, and tease” — in other words, have “sex with the one person you have to love your whole life.”
Although much of the book reads like an instruction manual for young women just discovering how to pleasure themselves to orgasm, there is much of value for those of us who have been acquainted with our own hot spots for longer than the author has been alive. The illustrations by Molly Crabapple and Waxman’s explanations of different techniques and toys, for example, may lead even seasoned solo sex practioners to experiment with new options.
You’ll be the life of the party if you recount the history of vibrators (doctors invented them to help “cure” women of “hysteria”) or the ways parents used to be instructed to stop their children from — e.g. “Limit the amount of fluids children ingest. Urination draws too much blood — and awareness — to the genitals.” Certainly heed the advice about choosing safe sex toys and keeping them that way, and peruse the marvelous list of sex-positive websites. A good read, with plenty of enticing ideas and tips for enjoying sexy self-love!
America Unzipped: Brian Alexander pulls off the covers
Brian Alexander’s America Unzipped: In Search of Sex and Satisfaction (Harmony, 2008), is one of the most informative and entertaining books about sex that I’ve had the pleasure of reading. Alexander, MSNBC.com’s “Sexploration” columnist, set out on a journey to explore the sexual mores and activities of middle America. Do “normal” Americans behave conservatively in the bedroom, or do they indulge in wild sexual expressions — even activities their neighbors and pastors might brand as “deviant” or “perverted”?
Alexander frequented sex parties, worked in a sex shop, explored kink, interviewed porn producers and actresses, attended rope bondage and fire play seminars, and thoroughly immersed himself in the world of non-vanilla sex (while still keeping his clothes on and his marriage vows intact). The result is a book filled with descriptions of the erotic lifestyles of people who might be your nurse, your librarian, a singer in your church choir, or your grandkid’s teacher.
And yes, the people enjoying kinky sex aren’t just the young ones. Alexander doesn’t make a big deal of it when a person he interviews or observes is silver-haired, and that’s one of the pleasures of this book — Boomers and elders who are enthusiastic about sex in any or all of its variations are mingled with all the other sex-positive folks. Kitty, age 50+, poses with her nightie on, then off, her behind to the camera, and posts her photos to a Web site. Don, 49, describes his “magnificent eruptions of bodily fluids” in chat rooms. Debra and Craig, 56, are unmarried swingers “reinventing ourselves” after their divorces. A man and woman, about 70, study elaborate rope-tying techniques at a seminar at the Hyatt. An elderly woman looks through her reading glasses as she uses a kitchen whisk to transmit electricity from a violet wand over the body of her husband. “Then she shocks the bald spot on the back of his head with the attentiveness of a grandmother knitting.”
Personally, I have vanilla and monogamous taste in sex these days (I got what I needed from earlier experimentation), but I support everyone’s right to do whatever they please with other consenting adults. And, I must admit, I find it fun to read about! I did feel a bit queasy at times: Goddess Heather (a bulked-up female bodybuilder dominatrix) “has a junkyard hanging from her cooter. Every one of her fifteen labia piercings holds a chain that reaches the floor, or an old, heavy lock.” A woman (willingly) cowers in a cage at a fetish party. And all that violet wand shocking stuff was, well, shocking. But one of the wonderful things about books and imagination is that we can take magic trips into other people’s experiences and emerge understanding more about the complexity of passion.
The Internet has done a lot to normalize sexual behavior previously thought of as weird or perverse, Alexander points out, whether it’s watching or acting in porn online, hooking up with like-minded folks for fetish parties, discovering where you can buy rubberwear, or whatever you might be seeking.
That leads me to wonder, has the Internet freed you to explore some erotic attraction? What have you done, or considered doing, that wouldn’t have been possible before we all had computers and online access? I invite your comments!
Museum of Sex: antique vibrators & more
I used my senior discount at the Museum of Sex, the self-described “educational sexual epicenter” at 233 Fifth Ave (at 27), New York City. The Museum of Sex describes itself as “wholly dedicated to the exploration of the history, evolution and cultural significance of human sexuality.” That’s a worthy goal, and the museum is well worth a visit when you’re in New York City.
Amid the film clips of sex through the ages and models of sex machines, dolls, and such, there was an entertaining display of condoms and condom advertising . “I take one everywhere I take my penis!” proclaimed one poster, and another pointed out that a condom was “250,000 times cheaper than the average child.” I don’t recall the date of that poster — surely condoms are cheaper and childraising more expensive than they were then.
I loved the exhibit of antique vibrators.One resembled a rotary egg beater, and another could pass as a travel hairdrier. The early vibrators looked so heavy and difficult to operate that I can imagine women getting carpal tunnel syndrome before we even had a name for it!
Other than my presence, senior sex didn’t exist in the museum. Oh yes, there was an old film clip of a dowdy 40-plus-year-old woman lecturing her teenage daughter about sex and revealing, “I was young once. I remember.” Oh dear.
Hey, visiting a sex museum is tough research, but somebody’s got to do it!
Staying Sexy without a Partner
Juicy is an Attitude
Haven’t you noticed that when you’re getting plenty of sex, people are attracted to you as if you were oozing irresistible come-hithers, while when you’re desperate for sex or a relationship, you might as well be wearing a sign that says, “I have a stinky, fatal disease—stay far away”?
Being sexually juicy doesn’t depend on the flow of our vaginal secretions or the presence of a partner in our life but on physical and emotional well-being, mental attitude, and love of sensuality.
We can feel and look sexy and attractive, whether we’re in a relationship or not. Looking good has nothing to do with whether our thighs are tight or dimply, our breasts perky or floppy, our face unlined or road-mapped. Any partner who would judge us this way would be much too superficial for a relationship at this stage of our lives, anyway. Sexiness is how we feel about ourselves and how we present ourselves to the world, with or without a partner.
We are lively and sexy when we live our lives fully, doing the activities that keep us energetic, creative, and happy whether we’re accompanied by a lover or not. The more we strut our beautiful stuff with confidence, the more others are attracted to us.
Sexually Seasoned Women Speak about Solo Sex
When I was single and my grown son was out of the house, I discovered sex with myself in a wonderful way. I had a mad, passionate, love affair with myself. I got fabulous lingerie and bought myself champagne. It was just me and a vibrator. Some days, nobody else can do it like you. (Monica, 60)
I left my last relationship about twelve years ago and wanted to be a hermit. I continued to be sexual with myself and got pretty wonderful results with that method. When I felt sexual, I made love to myself, just like I comforted myself as a kid. Now I’m turned on all the time. (Claire, 66)
I was maybe sixty-five before I ever did it. I was talking with a girlfriend who was between relationships, and she said she masturbated. I never even thought of such a thing. My first time, I knew just where to go. I tried it with the jets in the hot tub, and I found the right spot. It was the best sex I ever had! (Jaime, 73)
Sometimes I masturbate—what else can you do? It’s better than going out and picking up people. My drive is still strong. (Matilda, 78)
— Excerpted from Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty by Joan Price