Posts Tagged ‘men’
A man asks about sex after prostate cancer
Billybob, 62, has written several times, always willing to share his thoughts and experiences to help both men and women talk more freely about the special challenges of sex after 60. In his case, these challenges include recovering from divorce, re-entering the dating scene, and living with prostate cancer. I just received this question from him:
Since my cancer treatments I still want sex but I have an erection problem that Viagra seems not to work to well. What would a lady think of me if I chose to use a strap on device? Or do you know of alternatives? And If I were to use a strap on how would I break or tell such an idea to a lady?
I wrote this to Billybob:
If you read the chapter of Better Than I Ever Expected titled “When You or Your Partner Can’t,” you’ll see that women are very happy with fingers, tongue, vibrator, and cuddling when their partner can’t have an erection. I don’t think many women would appreciate a strap-on device, though I suggest you talk about it ahead and let her know you’re willing if she’d like it. My suggestion: level with her about your situation as soon as the intimacy gets past kissing, and see what she’d like and — please! — also tell her what would make you feel satisfied. Let me know how this works for you.
What do the rest of you think?
I read two good books on this topic, which I mentioned in Better Than I Ever Expected and which you can order from Amazon by clicking on the links:
Intimacy with Impotence: the Couple’s Guide to Better Sex after Prostate Disease by Ralph & Barbara Alterowitz (Da Capo/ Lifelong Books, 2004). A frank, practical guidebook to satisfying, sensual intimacy whether or not the male partner can have erections. An array of self-help strategies, from communication and creativity to medical therapies.
Making Love Again: Hope for Couples Facing Loss of Sexual Intimacy by Virginia and Keith Laken (Ant Hill Press, 2002). Candid personal narrative by Keith Laken, prostate cancer survivor facing impotence, and his wife, including fears, arguments, resolutions, setbacks, and a new definition of intimacy.
— Joan
Does Her Past Sex Life Matter?
Don, age 73, who read Better Than I Ever Expected, wrote this email:
A question for Robert Rice. I need your help. Like you I have re-entered the world of two people in the same house after 5 years of no one, and like your Lady, my Lady has had a very active sex life in the period before our meeting. The question is this…how do you deal with that? Do you think about the other men that were before you? I understand that at our age it shouldn’t be an issue but I find myself wondering how I “stack up” to the others. I don’t want to ask, I feel that would be crossing the line. Should I just accept the fact that we are together and that’s the end of it? Tell me how you deal with it… and thank you !
Robert replies to Don:
Don, in response to the question that you asked me, I understand where you’re coming from. I used to worry about this myself. I am fortunate to have someone who assures me that I am the one she loves. This assurance comes in many ways, and sometimes it’s up to me to see and recognize it. This gives me great freedom to let go of worrying about what has happened before.
Since we learn from all our previous sexual experiences what we want and like, and what we don’t, this sexual learning necessarily includes all past lovers. A couple of Joan’s past lovers are now our mutual friends, and both of us get along well with the other’s ex-spouse.
The question whether we measure up to other guys who have had sex with our partner and question whether we are good enough, or big enough, etc., I am told — and believe — it’s much more a male concern than female. In any case, I have come to believe that authentic expression of love and the ability to be playful and experimental seem to be the most reliable ingredients for successful sex, rather than focusing on measuring up (which can only be unknown anyway).
It seems to me that you answered your own question in your last statement about accepting the fact that you are together. That says a lot! It sounds like you’re on the right track!
I hope this helps with your concern.
Joan replies to Don:
When I fell in love with Robert, it didn’t matter to me whom I had bedded before and what I had experienced with anyone else. All that surfaced in my mind was how powerful my bond was with this man I loved. Remember our primary sex organ is our brain. For me, my previous experience was a good thing, because I was done with needing to experiment, and I knew whom/what I wanted, sexually and emotionally. I’ll bet your special lady would tell you the same.
Have other readers dealt with this situation? What do you think about Don’s question? I invite you to comment.
— Joan
What about a man’s book?
I’ve talked to some men who are encouraging me to write a book similar to Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty about men after midlife talking about their sexual feelings, experiences, changes, challenges, and past history, along with advice from experts on male sexual issues. I have some questions for you:
1. Would you be interested in reading such a book? What would you hope to read in it?
2. Would men be responsive to a book like this written by a woman? Would they be honest with a woman interviewer? I thought that men would prefer a male writer for a book on male sexual experiences, but I’ve had men tell me that they talk more easily and intimately with a woman than a man.
3. If I do write this book, and you are a man at midlife or beyond, would you be interested in sharing your sexual thoughts, history, current challenges, and stories? (If so, email me your contact information, please!)
Thanks,
— Joan
Robert, Joan’s Fiancé , Speaks Out
When Joan was writing Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty and reading drafts to me, often I’d stop her and say, “You’re not going to include that, are you?” and she’d say, “Yes, I am.”
A private person, I worried that she was getting too detailed and personal. But I went along with her when she insisted, “It’s got to be told as it is.”
Now I willingly eat my words. The book does exactly what is needed in our lives and our culture. It doesn’t beat around the bush–it is truly straight talk, without in any way cheapening the subject. In fact, it elevates the subject through honesty that can be respected at every turn of the page.