Posts Tagged ‘reader story’
Man, 82: “I don’t know how to approach a lady friend for sex”
I’m 82, I can get an orgasm but can’t get a firm erection. I don’t know how to approach a lady friend of 65 for sex. I’m afraid to reveal my problem. What can I do?
— Russ
Russ, by all means, talk to your lady friend about your situation. Frankly, I’m sure she’s assuming that you do have erectile difficulties at age 82, and she’s not bringing it up, leaving it up to you to decide when or how much to disclose.
Fortunately, you are capable or orgasms without erections. Many women don’t know this is possible, so you’ll be giving her good news. When you get to this point, please take matters into your own hands to show her exactly the kind of touch that you need. It may be difficult at first to do this, but understand that a woman can’t know how to please you unless you show her.
It used to be easy for us–as well as for you!–when an erection showed us that we were doing what you liked, and you pretty much liked anything we did! But now, both genders have changed in what works for us, and we all need to be more straightforward in communicating this with our partners.
As for her pleasure, are you aware that few women experience orgasms through intercourse alone? Our pleasure centers are our brains, our skin, and our clitoris — all of which are accessible without erections. I’ll be posting some techniques for giving women pleasure without an erection shortly, and I’ll have many more in my upcoming book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex.
Since you’re not sexual yet with your lady friend, but you’d like to be, I hope you’re spending quality time with her, getting to know each other as friends, learning how to talk easily together. Let your inner “flirt” out at times, and see how she responds. Compliment her, take her hand, make eye contact, ask her questions about herself.
When you make casual, physical contact–taking her hand, touching her arm, leaning in closer to talk–be super sensitive to her reactions, especially her body language. When you lean in, does she match you, or pull away? When you touch her arm, does she slide it closer, or retract it? You can learn a lot about whether she feels sexual about you by how she reacts to these simple gestures.
I wish you well with your new relationship. I hope you’ll let us know how it develops!
– Joan
Viagra “not a sack of cement installer”
I’m writing the chapter about cancer and sexuality for my new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. The stories people sent me about reclaiming their sexuality after cancer treatment fill me with admiration. I looked back at some older posts on this blog that deal with sex & cancer, and decided to bring back this one from 2006. With the prevalence of Viagra use, I think BillyBob’s experience and his thoughts about it are important. – Joan
BillyBob, age 62, has told some of his story previously as a comment here. He recently sent me an email detailing an experience that he wants to share — and he makes an important point:
I started dating a lady I have known for a year, mostly through phone conversations. I knew that she likes sex. Last weekend we went for dinner. After dinner she wanted to go back to my place for a while.
Well, as it turned out, it was the most embarrassing time I have ever had, all because of a misconception some woman have about impotency.
I took a Viagra after we got back to the motel hoping it worked fast! It did its normal thing and got me sexually aroused but not 100%. She knew I had to take it because of the prostate cancer killing my prostate.
Here is where the misconception comes in. It seems that women who do not know about Viagra seem to think if you take it you just get ramrodding hard, and they do not need to do any stimulation. Well that’s just plain wrong. Men still need stimulation along with the Viagra. The drug is not a sack of cement installer.
And I was not about to masturbate myself in order to get it hard. Not in the presence of a woman.
So as it turned out she turned me off instead of on. What a bummer. It was so disappointing. I had looked forward to our meeting for some time. And the possibility of finally enjoying good sex with some one that likes sex.
All a woman needs to know about the drug is that you do things as normally, using stimulation together. So please tell your readers what my experience was.
BillyBob, thank you for sharing this experience. Viagra helps when there’s a physical cause for lack of erection, as you know, but it doesn’t increase libido, or substitute for all those other crucial components of good sex that you (and I, and probably everyone reading this) crave — touching, kissing, bonding, stimulating each other physically and emotionally, enjoying each other’s pleasure as well as our own.
It sounds like most of this experience was missing for you. What a bummer, I agree. I’m sorry you didn’t feel you could communicate your needs and desires to your partner — I don’t know, maybe she would have been happy to help you get aroused if she had understood. It’s hard to understand why she didn’t seem interested in stimulating you just as part of the sex play (with or without Viagra), since that’s a good part of the fun of sex.
I know you were too embarrassed to masturbate in front of her when she didn’t help arouse you, but as a woman, I find it very pleasurable and exciting to watch a man stimulate himself. I don’t know if your partner would have reacted this way, but I’ll bet she would have.
If you see a future or at least a repeat date with this woman, I hope you’ll communicate candidly with her before you get to “the act.” And please continue to write.
Thank you again, BillyBob.
— Joan
Becka, 70: 3 Men in Photo Finish for her Heart
Becka, our intrepid senior online dating reporter, has met several men now — after rejecting far more. Three men seem to be in a photo finish for her heart, she tells us! Here’s her latest report:
PHOTO FINISH — PART 2
by Becka
I winnowed and winnowed trying to separate the wheat from the chaff and I didn’t even know what chaff was until I read some of the self- descriptions guys put on dating sites. Leo wrote that he was looking for a “soulmate to love forever” and then mentioned that his dog had passed away and “no one can replace that void.” Next!
Alex, 5′ 3” who makes less than $20,000 thought I should know that he “reads women’s magazines to study the opposition.” Next!
Sammy carroled that he wanted “to be Gomez to your Morticia.” Next!
Here’s the winner: said Donald of himself, “I am a smoker, earn under $12,000, drink a little, am passive and submissive and am looking for a woman who will finish the job my mother and sister started when I was a kid of turning me into a full female.” Neeeext!
You will learn an awful lot about yourself on this journey. Some things not so good; other things pretty damn good! I learned I liked a sense of humor but sometimes lacked one myself. It took a while for me to realize that Joe was joking when he wrote, “She must be breathing. If she’s not breathing, the whole deal is off.” Joe became Date No. 1. He does make me laugh and helps me be less uptight.
I also learned I am more of a risk taker than I thought. When Bill would not give any additional information until I revealed something of myself, I complained. He wrote, “Aw, now, why wouldn’t you want some mystery?” Bill became Date No. 2. We met the first time at a local diner and each of us wore something from Star Wars so we’d recognize the other. Okay, so now you know I’m a geek.
I like these men and intend to keep seeing them, but my favorite is Steve, Date No. 3. He is the one who offered to cook for me, massage my feet and “wander through the woods together armed only with a camera.” He suggested meeting at a hiking club event. I felt safe and knew I’d have a good time even if we didn’t hit it off. Smart man!
There are fabulous times to be had with wonderful people! To pull this off you need two senses: “common” and “adventure.” “Sixth” doesn’t hurt either. My three men are in a photo finish for my heart. My advice to you: get going!
Thank you, Becka, for sacrificing so much time in the pursuit of, uh, educating the rest of us! See Becka’s other online dating reports here.
Becka, 70: meeting men on senior dating sites
Becka, our intrepid senior online dating reporter, sent us her evaluation of several online dating sites from the perspective of a senior woman seeking men. As always, her report is both informative and entertaining:
PHOTO FINISH — PART 1
by Becka
Let me paraphrase an old rock n roller: What a short, strange trip it’s been! A jolly, jarring, coo-coo, sweet time I’ve had meeting men on senior dating sites. From boffo to bozo, I’ve met them all – or so it seems. Too many men, too little time, not enough memory.
Eharmony probably has the best setup. They guide you through the process beautifully, with many options, and the vibes inherent in their name appear to attract a higher type of person, male and female. (That would be me, of course.) You will end up spending money unless you’re very lucky — and quick, because most of these dating sites are timed release sites. That means, they won’t release you to a fuller experience unless you are on time with a payment.
AgeMatch is just what it says. If you want a younger man but will stop short of hanging out at the local high school, this is your website. To each his own. One 30-something accepted me with the succinct phrase, “You’ll do.” I was supposed to be flattered. I was not.
On the other hand, a 20-something commented on my picture, “You look like a lovely fairy in the woods.” I was charmed. However, I couldn’t be sure it wasn’t a 10-year old using his dad’s computer.
Surprisingly I got more responses here than I did anywhere else: 67. Sixty-seven men wanted an older woman. Wow. Tell Hollywood! This may be very hopeful to those of you desiring that younger flash and dash. Or maybe youth today is just more tired than we know.
A super-friendly site is seniorchatters. It’s located in the UK, but don’t let that stop you. Plenty of Americans have joined. You get the first two weeks free, which is a plus. You can find both friends and lovers on this site and I began an interesting communication with a woman who lives in Turkey. I thought it would be neat to correspond with someone who has an entirely different life from mine. Keeps your brain alive.
I did end up going out with three men from my area and each one was a lovely person. I’ll share my experiences next time. Life is long and hectic, until you get to be a senior. Then you realize your mistake. It’s actually short and lonely. Why don’t they tell us? Don’t wait!
Thank you, Becka, for sacrificing so much time in the pursuit of, uh, educating the rest of us! See Becka’s other online dating reports here.