Man, 82: “I don’t know how to approach a lady friend for sex”

I’m 82, I can get an orgasm but can’t get a firm erection. I don’t know how to approach a lady friend of 65 for sex. I’m afraid to reveal my problem. What can I do?

— Russ

Russ, by all means, talk to your lady friend about your situation. Frankly, I’m sure she’s assuming that you do have erectile difficulties at age 82, and she’s not bringing it up, leaving it up to you to decide when or how much to disclose.

Fortunately, you are capable or orgasms without erections. Many women don’t know this is possible, so you’ll be giving her good news. When you get to this point, please take matters into your own hands to show her exactly the kind of touch that you need. It may be difficult at first to do this, but understand that a woman can’t know how to please you unless you show her.

It used to be easy for us–as well as for you!–when an erection showed us that we were doing what you liked, and you pretty much liked anything we did! But now, both genders have changed in what works for us, and we all need to be more straightforward in communicating this with our partners.

As for her pleasure, are you aware that few women experience orgasms through intercourse alone? Our pleasure centers are our brains, our skin, and our clitoris — all of which are accessible without erections. I’ll be posting some techniques for giving women pleasure without an erection shortly, and I’ll have many more in my upcoming book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex.

Since you’re not sexual yet with your lady friend, but you’d like to be, I hope you’re spending quality time with her, getting to know each other as friends, learning how to talk easily together. Let your inner “flirt” out at times, and see how she responds. Compliment her, take her hand, make eye contact, ask her questions about herself.

When you make casual, physical contact–taking her hand, touching her arm, leaning in closer to talk–be super sensitive to her reactions, especially her body language. When you lean in, does she match you, or pull away? When you touch her arm, does she slide it closer, or retract it? You can learn a lot about whether she feels sexual about you by how she reacts to these simple gestures.

I wish you well with your new relationship. I hope you’ll let us know how it develops!

– Joan