Eroticism and Spirituality: One Couple’s Daily Ritual
I received this lovely account of a couple’s erotic and spiritual ritual from Anne, 58, with permission to share it with you:
My husband and I have been friends since age 14 and were fortunate enough to marry our best friend. We’re 58 now and have been married 35 years.
As part of our spiritual practice, we begin each day together, nude, in our hot tub, located on a screened porch where we’re surrounded by woods, garden, and birdfeeders, watching the sun rise over the mountains. Usually we do this in silence, although we’ve been known to add music. Our favorite is Tina Turner’s “You’re The Best” CD. If you listen closely to the words, it can become a hymn to the Creator! Our neighbor’s rooster also chimes in, crowing in the early hours — a prelude to the day.
Each evening at day’s end, we repeat this ritual. It’s usually dark. The moon hangs above the trees or over the mountains. Every night is different. Sometimes it’s a dazzling darkness with no moon, other times everything shivers in silver when the moon is full. The silence speaks volumes as we listen to the night creatures and other sounds.
We also purchased a massage table years ago, which is wonderful for relieving aches and pains as well as a delightful addition to foreplay. I’m trained in massage therapy by profession, however, my husband, whose wonderfully large hands were untrained, improved dramatically when I encouraged his visits to a massage therapist. Now we’re both comfortable giving and receiving a massage and every one is different. Variety is truly the spice of life!
These are wonderful modalities for both of us who suffer from arthritis and who continue to be very much in love. It’s a three for one deal, improving physical, emotional and spiritual health. I can’t speak highly enough of this practice’s rewards and encourage others to give it a go.
If you have an erotic and spiritual practice you’d like to share, I invite you to tell us about it.
Men & Women Talk about Sex and Aging
Good Vibrations in Berkeley was alive last night with the voices of women and men sharing their sexual feelings and experiences at my “Ask Me, I’ll Tell You: Women and Men Talk about Sex and Aging” workshop.Thank you, participants, for your candor and respectful acceptance of what everyone else had to say. I hope you left the workshop as I did — flying high on the excitement of the evening and filled with the ideas you shared with me and each other.
Two hours flew by much too quickly, and the #1 complaint was “not enough time!” So let’s keep talking! Here are a few of the questions we discussed, including those that you asked, but we ran out of time before discussing. Go ahead and post a comment with your thoughts, and we’ll keep the discussion going.
Questions for the men:
– What do you fantasize about, and how do you like to incorporate fantasy into your sex life?
– Why don’t many men find women sexy as they get older, and how can older women become more desirable?
– How do you experience your sexuality and sexual response as you get older?
– What are your fears about aging and sex?
Questions for the women:
– How can men establish sexual communication (e.g. talking about foreplay, oral sex, anal sex)?
– What can men do to help women keep lubrication?
– What should men know about women in order to turn them on sexually and maintain sexual arousal?
– What are your fears about aging and sex?
We’ll be repeating this workshop in Sebastopol this fall and at Good Vibrations this winter. (If you would like me to bring this workshop to your location, please email me and let’s talk.)
Some comments about Joan’s workshop from participants:
“Thank you for your candor and expertise” (Lisa, 55)
“A great candid comparison of people of similar interests and concerns” (David, 66)
“Love to hear the open discussion” (Judy, 62)
“The group exercises were excellent” (Steve, 45)
“I found this group to be especially open and intellectual and positive. You have a great deal to share that will improve many lives.” (Fay, 66)
“You should be on Oprah!” (Anne, 50)
[Photo by Constance Cavallas, published with permission]
60+ Singles Searching
pds62 said…
I just found your site today and have only had a chance to read a portion of all the information on it. My question to you is this: if on-line dating has proven unsatisfactory, what are some other ways to meet men over the age of 60 who are looking to get back in the “dating world”?
That’s such an important topic, pds62 — thank you for offering it.
I wouldn’t say that online dating doesn’t work — several of the women who share their experiences in Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty tell how they found their soulmates that way, and others say they at least found a temporary partner, an appealing fling, or a good friend. I’ve noticed a bunch of new books out specifically on online dating — I hope our readers will let us know if some are really helpful.
The problem with online dating is that (a) you have to email a lot of frogs before you kiss your prince or princess and (b) most people lie in their profiles and emails, or at least try to make themselves appear more desirable (physically, socially, emotionally, and/or financially) than they are.
So it’s up to you to be prepared for lots of emails, lots of phone conversations, lots of disappointing first dates. But he’s out there, somewhere, and he’s looking for you, too! Give yourself every chance to be where he might look.
My first recommendation for finding a compatible potential partner, though, is to get out there and fill your social life with activities you love. I met Robert in my own contemporary line dancing class! Do you like to dance? There are dance venues galore, including lessons and mixers. Do you like to hike? There are many outdoor-oriented groups, some aimed at singles specifically. Would you rather read? Look at your local bookstore’s author event calendar — and don’t be shy about approaching the unaccompanied men in the audience who are as interested in that author as you are.
I welcome suggestions from my readers!
For a hilarious look at dating after 50, I recommend Rescue Me, He’s Wearing a Moose Hat (And 40 Other Dates After 50) by Sherry Halperin (Seal Press, 2005). As I read the book I kept laughing hysterically at her witty descriptions of her doomed dates — a great read.
Thanks again for the topic, pds62!
— Joan
Does Her Past Sex Life Matter?
Don, age 73, who read Better Than I Ever Expected, wrote this email:
A question for Robert Rice. I need your help. Like you I have re-entered the world of two people in the same house after 5 years of no one, and like your Lady, my Lady has had a very active sex life in the period before our meeting. The question is this…how do you deal with that? Do you think about the other men that were before you? I understand that at our age it shouldn’t be an issue but I find myself wondering how I “stack up” to the others. I don’t want to ask, I feel that would be crossing the line. Should I just accept the fact that we are together and that’s the end of it? Tell me how you deal with it… and thank you !
Robert replies to Don:
Don, in response to the question that you asked me, I understand where you’re coming from. I used to worry about this myself. I am fortunate to have someone who assures me that I am the one she loves. This assurance comes in many ways, and sometimes it’s up to me to see and recognize it. This gives me great freedom to let go of worrying about what has happened before.
Since we learn from all our previous sexual experiences what we want and like, and what we don’t, this sexual learning necessarily includes all past lovers. A couple of Joan’s past lovers are now our mutual friends, and both of us get along well with the other’s ex-spouse.
The question whether we measure up to other guys who have had sex with our partner and question whether we are good enough, or big enough, etc., I am told — and believe — it’s much more a male concern than female. In any case, I have come to believe that authentic expression of love and the ability to be playful and experimental seem to be the most reliable ingredients for successful sex, rather than focusing on measuring up (which can only be unknown anyway).
It seems to me that you answered your own question in your last statement about accepting the fact that you are together. That says a lot! It sounds like you’re on the right track!
I hope this helps with your concern.
Joan replies to Don:
When I fell in love with Robert, it didn’t matter to me whom I had bedded before and what I had experienced with anyone else. All that surfaced in my mind was how powerful my bond was with this man I loved. Remember our primary sex organ is our brain. For me, my previous experience was a good thing, because I was done with needing to experiment, and I knew whom/what I wanted, sexually and emotionally. I’ll bet your special lady would tell you the same.
Have other readers dealt with this situation? What do you think about Don’s question? I invite you to comment.
— Joan