Posts Tagged ‘aging’
Dr. Ruth: Teach your lover what you need
That’s expecially true as we get older. Women who have been in long term, joyful, sexy relationships with partners who knew exactly how to please them sometimes tell me that they just aren’t responding the way they used to, even when a partner is doing exactly what used to send them into orbit. They worry that maybe they aren’t interested in sex any more, and perhaps they should settle into a comfortable but sexless love life.
That might be fine, if both partners would be happy with that (ah, there’s the rub!). But many women and men who talk me express that they really miss the heightened connection with their partner, the electrified responses they used to feel to his or her touch, and the crashing waves of release. And they miss the eager joy of anticipating sex. As one woman told me, “I want my sweet tooth back.”
I know I’ve just brushed the surface of this topic. We’ll keep talking about this.
Gloria Steinem: Doing Sixty & Seventy
I was excited to see that Gloria Steinem has written a new book about aging, titled Doing Sixty & Seventy, and eagerly ordered it. When I saw the book — just 68 pages long and printed in a font about three times normal size, I felt cheated. It’s not a “book” — it’s a series of two essays published in hard cover. Once I got past that realization and read the essays, I was glad that I had.
Steinem, one of the most influencial feminist/activists of our time, was the founder of Ms. magazine. She became an inadvertent spokesperson for aging issues after a reporter said to her on her fortieth birthday, “You don’t look forty.”
Her widely quoted reply: “This is what forty looks like. We’ve been lying for so long, who would know?”
Steinem is now seventy-plus, and still radical. In fact, she claims that women get more radical as they age. This book includes her essay, “Doing Sixty,” plus “Into the Seventies,” a preface (which is actually an additional essay) looking back twelve years after writing “Doing Sixty.”
Some tidbits from these thought-provoking essays:
“I used to joke that I thought I was immortal and this caused me to plan poorly.”
“It was only after I’d become an old lady myself that I lost the habit of imposing my sentimental interpretation on old people.”
“For women especially – and for men too, if they’ve been limited by stereotypes — we’ve traveled past the point when society cares very much about what we do… Though this neglect and invisibility may shock and grieve us greatly at first… it also creates a new freedom to be ourselves — without explanation.”
“I used to think that continuing my past sex life was the height of radicalism. After all, women too old for childbearing were supposed to be too old for sex. Becoming a pioneer dirty old lady seemed a worthwhile goal — which it was, for a while. But continuing the past even out of defiance is very different from progressing. Now I think: Why not take advantage of the hormonal changes that age provides to clear our minds, sharpen our senses, and free whole areas of our brains? Even as I celebrate past pleasures, I wonder: Did I sometimes confuse sex with aerobics?
I’d love to hear from you about any of these or related topics. Please chime in!
Why so hard to talk about sex?
Why is it so hard for couples to talk about sex? Does it get any easier with age?
A year ago, I would have said that yes, with the experience, self-knowledge, and communications skills that come with age, it does get easier to talk about all intimate matters, including sex. That’s certainly true for me.
And yet, in the past year since my book came out, I’ve heard from dozens of readers or workshop attendees who tell me about the difficulties they have communicating their sexual needs, desires, and worries to their partners, either long-term or new.
What do you think? What reasons hold us back from communicating fully about sex to a partner? I’ll start the list, and I invite you to join in with your ideas.
1. We’re afraid of being judged. 2. We’re afraid that our partner will think that he or she is being judged. 3. Our upbringing rears its ugly head: we shouldn’t be feeling/ saying/ doing this. 4. We’re embarrassed about the changes in our sexual response due to aging and/or our medical challenges. 5. We’re afraid our partner will misunderstand or say no to our request. 6. We worry, “What if my partner does what I’m asking, and it still doesn’t work?” 7. We don’t know what to ask for, we just know something could be better.
Please comment on any of these that resonate with you, and feel free to add your own ideas. You can click on “comments” below, or email me with your comments.
Thanks for helping me figure this out!
Too soon to be intimate with new man after spouse dies?
Susan, age 65, sent me this email regarding intimacy after death of spouse, with permission to post it and respond here:
Joan, I found your website while browsing and really enjoyed it. I was widowed 5 months ago, and a friend of mine lost his wife shortly before my husband’s death. We had known each other casually for 20 years.
A social event brought us face to face about a month ago and we both have been smitten since that night. We are both young for our ages; both being 65, good physical condition and both exercise daily. I am experiencing a lot of guilt from wanting to see him after such a short span of time since my husband’s death. Although he has discussed me with his family and I with mine, I still have some guilt. I also, don’t hear the “approval” from other members of my family.
However, at our ages, how long is considered appropriate? I am also experiencing whether or not this could become a moral issue with me. He is a wonderful man, who cared for his wife, who was ill for many years, as I did for my husband.
He has expressed to me that he may be impotent. He had not had sexual relations with his wife for many years before her death, nor had I with my husband. I did, however, use a vibrator from time to time. Although I am 65, I certainly have been experiencing strong sexual feelings toward him.
I guess my questions to you are:
1) what is the appropriate time frame?
2) Is sex outside of marriage a moral and/or guilt issue?
3) How do I get rid of trying to please everyone else?
4) Should we pursue sexual intercourse or just “play around”?Thank you so much for your input and can’t wait to get your book!
Susan, thank you so much for writing and for sharing these feelings.
I can’t tell you what the appropriate time frame for sharing intimacy after the death of a spouse is for YOU. I’m not a therapist, but I’ve heard some therapists say that it’s good to wait a year, because people need to grieve, then rediscover and reclaim who they are alone before they’re ready to enter into a new relationship.
I’ve also heard from/about people who were caretakers of ill spouses and did much of their grieving while their spouses were alive. They then needed to reach out to someone who could bring joy and intimacy back into their lives.
I can’t say what’s “right” for you — only you can know that. If you’re questioning whether it’s too soon, that maybe that’s your own heart saying it is. If this relationship will be right for the two of you, it will be right if you wait a few more months, too.
Meanwhile, you can develop a friendship and enjoy each other’s company. But do learn to enjoy your own company, too — see who you are on your own in the world, what interests you’d like to pursue now.
Of course you still have sexual feelings — glory in that wonderful gift, and let your fantasies roam. When you and your friend come together in that intimate way, if you decide to, you’ll be good and ready for his tender touch.
You say your family hasn’t expressed approval of your new relationship. Realize that they are still grieving your husband, too. Respect their feelings, and if/when you decide to go ahead with this new relationship, perhaps it would be best not to tell them until and unless they ask, at least for a while.
As for sex outside of marriage, that’s completely your decision. I don’t know your beliefs or your religion, or whether these values might be changing at this time of your life. You might find it useful to consult a counselor to get your own values and needs in perspective.
Your friend told you that he might be impotent. Please suggest that he see a urologist and find out the cause, and whether any treatment is appropriate. If he is unable to have erections, you can still have loving, intimate sex in other ways. I have more information about that in my book “Sex After Grief“, in the chapter titled “When You or Your Partner Can’t.”
I’m sure that Susan would like to hear from others who have gone through this, and from others who have an opinion on when to have intimacy after the death of a spouse. I invite you to comment.
— Joan