Posts Tagged ‘books’
Erotica Around the Table by Rae Francoeur
I loved every page of Free Fall: A Late-in-Life Love Affair
Once you write the words down, they no longer belong to you, a newspaper editor told me. Once I create a piece of writing, it’s out of my hands. I should not be surprised, therefore, by what happened to my erotic memoir, Free Fall: A Late-in-Life Love Affair
The book is a candid and passionate portrayal of my love affair with Jim, which began when Jim was 67 and I was 58. Free Fall celebrates adult sexuality and encourages change, especially when we find ourselves in untenable situations. Jim and I had plenty of life under our belts when we met, including four grown children.
Recently, we sat at a restaurant with Jim’s daughter and a group of her friends. The friends took turns reading aloud the graphic sexual passages to Jim’s daughter. There were plenty of snickers and loud guffaws. The book was about senior sex, and young people consider that fair game for ridicule—even when their friend’s cherished father and his new lover are the butt of their jokes.
Jim was amused and unbothered by what his daughter’s friends did. It’s something men do to each other all the time, he said. They jam you up, test your mettle, play a form of psychological chicken.
As a woman and the author, my take is different. There are numerous short but graphic erotic scenes in Free Fall. A group of young men and women taking turns reading these sex scenes aloud in a public place feels akin to a verbal assault. We all knew that Jim’s daughter had no interest in reading about her father’s sexual prowess.
When I asked my daughter what she thought, the first thing she said was, “This is how it is with books. Once you write it and publish it, it’s no longer yours. It’s like a book burning, only mockery.”
Fortunately, my daughter, who happens to be a librarian, and her friends treated my book very differently. They bought and read the book and posted reviews on Web sites like GoodReads. They wrote both of us, sending along congratulations and rave reviews. I was invited to her library to read to patrons. It was one of the best nights of my life: my daughter, Jim, my daughter’s good friend, and a group of interested and open-minded patrons together sharing stories.
In Free Fall, I write a lot about letting go, staying open, not holding on so tight to what I think I know. Once again I find there is no such thing as a lesson learned for keeps. You learn a lesson in the moment and relearn it, when the need arises.
Check out Rae’s blog.
Is “lesbian bed death” inevitable? Interview with Glenda Corwin, PhD
. Corwin has been practicing as an openly lesbian psychologist for more than two decades. Her book, “for women who love women and want to keep sexual passion alive in their intimate relationships,” is a guide for understanding, nourishing, and re-igniting your sex drive. Dr. Corwin answers some questions about her book and long-term lovers:Q. What led you to write this book?
One day a woman came into my office and asked me if I thought “lesbian bed death” was inevitable. After twelve years with her partner—5 of those with no sex—she slept with another woman one time. That was the end of her marriage. She was sad and mad, and wondered if it’s our lesbian destiny to become asexual. That’s when I decided to write about women who sustain long-term sexual intimacy.
Q. So what’s their secret?
Long-term lovers are very intentional. They know it’s a myth that sexual desire springs up spontaneously. They set aside time, deliberately get themselves in the mood, and push through the anxiety that comes up for so many women. Non-sexual women, on the other hand, say that planning for sex feels too awkward and contrived. They don’t plan, and they don’t have sex, either.
There’s another huge myth that older women gradually fade into sexless obscurity. I know plenty of young women who don’t have sex, and older women who love it. Research shows that our interest in sex stays constant or even increases as we get older. Our motto is “use it or lose it.” We may lose a little physical sensitivity, but emotionally, we can go deeper and last longer.
Q. Are sexual issues really any different for lesbian and straight women?
We’re all women, and when there are two of us together we may double up on some female issues. One big difference can be subtle. Most women have at least some social approval for sex in a committed, straight relationship; e.g., “Save yourself for the right man.” That approval just isn’t there for lesbian relationships, and makes us more vulnerable to shame.
Ironically, older lesbians may have some advantages over our straight sisters. Because we live longer than men, our potential partner pool is larger. Our female partners are usually less critical of physical imperfections, and more attuned to emotional connections.
Q. What’s one thing you hope women take away from your book?
That sexual intimacy is a wonderful gift for all of us, and it’s worth the effort.
Glenda Corwin, PhD, author of Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same Sex Couples
Is there a Mr. Mean in your life? Interview with Jed Diamond
For more than 40 years, therapist Jed Diamond‘s personal and professional life has revolved around helping men and the women who love them. In his new book, Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome
, he offers advice for women bewildered by a male partner’s irritability, anger, and withdrawal. He explains the reasons, the dynamics, and what she can do to help.
Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS), in Jed’s words, is “a state of hypersensitivity, anxiety, frustration, and anger that occurs in males and is associated with biochemical changes, hormonal fluctuations, stress, and loss of male identity.” Men with IMS will often take out their frustration and anger on their partners.
I interviewed Jed Diamond about IMS and how it might affect you and your relationship:
JP: You talk about IMS as starting in midlife. How does it progress through the senior years if steps aren’t taken to change it?
JD: Although IMS can occur at any age. It is most prevalent at midlife. The four main causes include: Hormonal fluctuations, changes in brain chemistry, increased stress, and confusion about male identity and roles. I recommend, for instance, that all men have their hormone levels checked throughout their lives, but particulalry as they reach mid-life. For many men, drops in levels of testosterone or other hormone imbalances can cause real problems with sexuality and health. With these issues are not addressed at mid-life, men become grumpier, more irritable, withdrawn, frustrated, and angry as they age.
JP: Describe Mr. Mean.
JD: I use the term “Mr. Mean” to describe men who have not dealt effectively with Irritable Male Syndrome. These men are often driven by aggression, either expressed directely, or more often suppressed. As a result they often seem: Grumpy, angry, gloomy, impatient, tense, hostile, lonely, and stressed. They don’t seem comfortable in their own skin. They may drink too much, become consumed with their work, or escape in other ways.
JP: How is Mr. Mean’s partner reacting to this?
JD: She often feels like she is “walking on egg shells.” She doesn’t know how he will react. Sometimes he is easy going, loving, and tender. But he may also fly off the handle and react with anger. Or he may simply withdraw into hostile silence. She may go out of her way to be kind and understanding, but she is confused about what is going on with him. It may seem like she is living with a partner who can change from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. Without help and support, she can feel increasingly alone and hopeless.
JP: How does IMS affect the couple’s sex life, especially in the senior years?
JD: A good sex life rests on the foundation of safety and trust. If a person can act like Mr. Wonderful on one occassion and Mr. Mean on another, its difficult to feel secure or intimate. Without intimacy, sex either becomes more of a duty than a joy, or it occurs less and less often and the relationship suffers. Without the hormonal intensity of youth, sex relies even more on caring, trust, and intimacy. Irritable Male Syndrome can undermines that trust.
JP: How does the woman typically react when this change happens in their sexual relationship?
JD: Most women I counsel feel very confused. They don’t understand what is going on with their partner. He may often blame her for things he feels she isn’t doing right. She often feels “battered” by his stormy reactions. He may be very demanding sexually or he may totally ignore her. He often feels like she is riding a roller-coaster that is in danger of going off the rails. She often is desperate to reclaim the calm she may have rememebered and to get back to the joy and intimacy they may have had in the past. If the couple can talk about what is going on, there are many things they can do together to reclaim the good feelings that may have gotten lost.
JP: Give us some tips for talking about sex when this is going on.
JD: Before a couple can talk easily about sex, they have to feel a level of trust. If the trust is being undermined by IMS, that needs to be dealt with first. If hormone levels are out of balance, they need to be brought back in line. Hormone replacement therapy can be considered, but men can also benefit from changes in diet, exercise, changes in mind-set. Often men at this age need to reclaim their vision of who they are and what they have to contribute in the world. Women often support each other in finding the generative qualities of aging. Men need to learn to do that as well.
JP: Many of my readers are single at age 50-80+ and are dating. Are single Mr. Means out there dating? If so, at what point in a new relationship does IMS start showing itself?
JD: For some, we can see the following kinds of traits very quickly. The man is often annoyed, touchy, jealous, irritable, and negative. For others, he may give the appreance of being easy-going and upbeat, but the IMS qualities come out later. Other men are genuinely joyous, but there may be new changes that can trigger IMS symptoms. His hormone levels may drop too low. His diet may be bad and he may put on extra weight. He may not be exercising. There may be physical and emotional losses that may be difficult to deal with. The key for the man, and for those who care about him, is to learn about the positive things that can be done to stay healthy and joyous throughout our lives. We are given the gift of these years. We want to use them wisely and well.
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Jed Diamond, PhD, author of Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome
Face in the Mirror & Behind the Bedroom Door: two books you’ll love
I love memoir anthologies, and I have two marvelous ones to recommend to you. Both offer engrossing, well-crafted, personal stories from seasoned writers, many–maybe most–of them our age.
Face in the Mirror: Writers Reflect on Their Dreams of Youth and the Reality of Age,
Sometimes the “face in the mirror” theme is literal: appearance, self-image. Other times these writers look at their upraising, their goals, their career choices, their relationship mistakes. The stark difference between where they thought they were headed and where they actually ended up should be a useful warning to young people fretting about their goals. Whatever you plan won’t work the way you think. And that’s usually a good thing.
Behind the Bedroom Door: Getting It, Giving It, Loving It, Missing It
Some of these essays are sweet, like Hope Edelman’s memory of 15-year-old sex (“Two people touching each other in all the right places, because there were no wrong places then, doing it for no reason other than it felt good and to keep doing it felt even better.”). Some are full of erotic discovery, energy, self-assertion. Some may disturb you, like Abby Sher’s essay about anorexia, cutting and a lover helpless to stop either, and Julie Powell’s essay about her need for rough sex (“D was a perceptive lover, perceptive enough to know before I did that I wanted him to hit me, control me, hurt me.”) All are powerfully written.
If you’re still making gift-giving decisions, you can’t go wrong with one of these books. For other recommended books that I’ve reviewed, click here.