Posts Tagged ‘erectile dysfunction’
Bill B: 59-yr-old Guy’s Viewpoint
I just received an email from Bill B., age 59, who brings up so many provocative topics and expressed so skillfully that I’m giving Bill his own post here:
Hi, Joan, I just became aware of your book about sex over 60 featuring the feminine perspective and look forward to reading it. In response to some of your questions, as a guy, I think we generally like things presented in a “Problem: Solution” format. For example; a chapter titled ‘Rise & Shine’ might present the various forms of ED, and then some of the available answers for each ‘challenge’.
While I’m currently most interested in keeping my long term relationship viable and fun, I would like to know how I might have to deal with forming new relationships after becoming a ‘sudden single’. I hope there’d be room and topic enough for both sides of relationship issues.
I would like to read men’s perspectives on the issues, both from a what didn’t work, to what did and, when possible, why. Possibly a survey of some sort, answered by both men and women might provide some supportive insight to the specific cases or examples you would cite. Maybe it would present something like:
“John’s gruff attempts at intimacy made him feel like something else had been lost to aging; he couldn’t remember the way to a woman’s heart, so he quit trying because he would just fail again. Marcy is married to a man like John, and feels … about it. Our Survey shows xx% of men say that they share these feelings and have found that … helps fix the problem. yy% of women responding to Marcy’s situation say … Clinical remedies suggest that … is usually effective in cases like this because …”
I would also like a woman’s perspective on the things I feel and experience. Sometimes a spouse can be too supportive, when a firm dose of reality might be better in the long run (maybe that’s another ‘guy’ thing).
I like all the topics you suggest. Most guys in my age group were pretty heavilly ‘John Wayne-ized’ as kids, i.e.: emotions are for women and non-men. I think a chapter or section titled something like “I wonder if other guys … ?” that dealt with subjects guys don’t usually discuss could be worthwhile. I grew up in a single mother household and didn’t get to see the daily life of a man. I’m far from alone in that. We’ve had to make it up, or copy it, from whereever we could.
Another thought occurs to me; If you want to lose a little title symmetry with your other book, you might call it “Sex after 60 for men: A user’s guide” — Muy Macho! I suspect that might cost you quite a few readers, because I think more women are still going to buy this book than men. After all; we’re men, and don’t need to stop for directions for anything (a feeling too true for too many guys).
Most of the sex manuals I’ve bought in the past were intended for my wife; I might browse some, pause at the art, and then put it somewhere she’d have to almost stumble over in hopes she’d read it and become my dreamt of ‘whore in the bedroom’ without my having to actually deal with anything. Of course it didn’t work, so my fix was to stop buying those silly manuals — they clearly weren’t worth much! I wonder if any of the publishing companies have buyer stats on their various sex manuals, and if they’d share them?
You have my permission to post any or all of this email with my signed name. I’m clearly no author; these are just some ramblings that occurred to me as/after I read your request for thoughts. I’m 59, Male, Married, Cauc, Some College, retired from USAF, retired from a computer consultancy, and have way too much time to annoy others.
Best of luck with your project,
Bill B.
What good timing, Bill, because I’m drafting my new book proposal this month. You’ve reinforced my ideas and given me some new ones. Readers like you, who get genuinely involved in speaking out about senior sexuality, let me know that I’m not on this mission alone!
Readers: Please comment. Men, do you agree that you’d be interested in the book Bill describes? Any additional ideas? Women, do you agree that you buy the books about sex, even (especially?) those for and about men?
Thanks, everyone!
— Joan
Dean asks, “Does Granny like oral sex?”
I just got an email from Dean, who describes himself as “a very active 70 year old” from Kansas. He asks this:
Joan: I have had sex with ladies 40 to 74 in the last ten years. However I am diabetic and take pills for high blood pressure, so due to those two items I am as you guessed, impotent to the Nth degree. I have had and given oral sex to several partners but I feel like they feel that this isn’t normal. My question, I guess, is, does granny really like this or is it that she feels, well, that’s all he can do? Can you come up with a ball park figure in percentages of the lassies that do and don’t get excited about oral sex? I have known ladies that were extremely sexual but would have nothing to do with oral. Is this very much the way granny thinks? Joan, I love the ladies and they like me, but what’s a relationship without a little pandering?
Dean, I imagine our readers will have plenty to say, but let me start out by saying that calling a woman with whom you want to have sex “Granny” just isn’t sexy! I don’t know how you interact with these women, or what you call them during pillow talk, but your wording here makes me wonder!
As far as whether older women like oral sex, there’s no percentage I can give you. I can tell you that the better the man is at giving oral sex — the more he tunes in to the sounds and movements that show him what she likes — the better she’ll enjoy it. That means not developing a one-technique-fits-all approach, but gathering many skills and the most important skill: being attentive to her cues and responding to them.
I’d like to recommend a book to you, Dean, and to every man who wants to understand better what a woman enjoys during oral sex: She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner. This book is clever, practical, and full of tips and techniques guaranteed to help any man become a better lover!
Changes after Prostate Surgery: Tina Tessina
Many of you have been reading and asking about prostate cancer, how it affects sexuality, how spouses/lovers can communicate and keep their love strong while living with it. Some of the most widely read posts on this blog have been those dealing with prostate cancer, such as “A man asks about sex after prostate cancer” and “Grace Period: a novel about living with prostate cancer.”
In response to your interest, I’ve asked Tina Tessina, Ph.D. to comment on this subject. Besides being a psychotherapist and author, Tina writes from experience: her husband is living with prostate cancer. Here are her comments:
The changes that come after prostate surgery are, like all changes, not easy. We don’t like to have to deal with changes, especially those that confront us with our mortality. But, I can happily report, with some encouragement and enthusiasm from me, my wonderful husband is quite functional sexually. His surgery was in 2002, he just got another ‘undetectable’ PSA test, so we are blessed.
For us, the blessing is in how heightened our love and appreciation (which was pretty good before) has been by the threat of terminal illness. Richard is lucky — they got it early, it has not spread, the surgery went well. His second surgery to have an artificial sphincter put on his urethra, also went well.
Others, I know, have a more difficult time. But, as Gerald Haslam wrote in Grace Period, “Live for the moment, since that may be all you have.” Richard and I decided to do that in 2002, and we’ve been making the most of our moments ever since. Every day is a gift, another cup of sweetness, and we drain it to the last drop. One of our joke lines is “I’d like another one of them there drinks,” from Scrooge, referring to the Cup of Human Kindness given to him by the Ghost of Christmas Present.
For some couples, the tension of serious illness creates crabbiness and bickering. Richard and I have never wanted to waste time arguing, and we haven’t for a long time. I don’t believe it helps anything that’s going on. In my newest book, Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Squabbling About the Three Things That Can Destroy Your Marriage out from Adams Media spring 2007, I help couples who are fighting learn new methods of getting along so they can enjoy their time together.
For more, see Tina Tessina’s Dr. Romance Blog. Dr. Tessina is a psychotherapist, author of several books including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction, How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free, and The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. She writes the “Dating Dr.” column on www.CouplesCompany.com and “Dr. Romance” on Yahoo! Personals.
Too soon to be intimate with new man after spouse dies?
Susan, age 65, sent me this email regarding intimacy after death of spouse, with permission to post it and respond here:
Joan, I found your website while browsing and really enjoyed it. I was widowed 5 months ago, and a friend of mine lost his wife shortly before my husband’s death. We had known each other casually for 20 years.
A social event brought us face to face about a month ago and we both have been smitten since that night. We are both young for our ages; both being 65, good physical condition and both exercise daily. I am experiencing a lot of guilt from wanting to see him after such a short span of time since my husband’s death. Although he has discussed me with his family and I with mine, I still have some guilt. I also, don’t hear the “approval” from other members of my family.
However, at our ages, how long is considered appropriate? I am also experiencing whether or not this could become a moral issue with me. He is a wonderful man, who cared for his wife, who was ill for many years, as I did for my husband.
He has expressed to me that he may be impotent. He had not had sexual relations with his wife for many years before her death, nor had I with my husband. I did, however, use a vibrator from time to time. Although I am 65, I certainly have been experiencing strong sexual feelings toward him.
I guess my questions to you are:
1) what is the appropriate time frame?
2) Is sex outside of marriage a moral and/or guilt issue?
3) How do I get rid of trying to please everyone else?
4) Should we pursue sexual intercourse or just “play around”?Thank you so much for your input and can’t wait to get your book!
Susan, thank you so much for writing and for sharing these feelings.
I can’t tell you what the appropriate time frame for sharing intimacy after the death of a spouse is for YOU. I’m not a therapist, but I’ve heard some therapists say that it’s good to wait a year, because people need to grieve, then rediscover and reclaim who they are alone before they’re ready to enter into a new relationship.
I’ve also heard from/about people who were caretakers of ill spouses and did much of their grieving while their spouses were alive. They then needed to reach out to someone who could bring joy and intimacy back into their lives.
I can’t say what’s “right” for you — only you can know that. If you’re questioning whether it’s too soon, that maybe that’s your own heart saying it is. If this relationship will be right for the two of you, it will be right if you wait a few more months, too.
Meanwhile, you can develop a friendship and enjoy each other’s company. But do learn to enjoy your own company, too — see who you are on your own in the world, what interests you’d like to pursue now.
Of course you still have sexual feelings — glory in that wonderful gift, and let your fantasies roam. When you and your friend come together in that intimate way, if you decide to, you’ll be good and ready for his tender touch.
You say your family hasn’t expressed approval of your new relationship. Realize that they are still grieving your husband, too. Respect their feelings, and if/when you decide to go ahead with this new relationship, perhaps it would be best not to tell them until and unless they ask, at least for a while.
As for sex outside of marriage, that’s completely your decision. I don’t know your beliefs or your religion, or whether these values might be changing at this time of your life. You might find it useful to consult a counselor to get your own values and needs in perspective.
Your friend told you that he might be impotent. Please suggest that he see a urologist and find out the cause, and whether any treatment is appropriate. If he is unable to have erections, you can still have loving, intimate sex in other ways. I have more information about that in my book “Sex After Grief“, in the chapter titled “When You or Your Partner Can’t.”
I’m sure that Susan would like to hear from others who have gone through this, and from others who have an opinion on when to have intimacy after the death of a spouse. I invite you to comment.
— Joan