Posts Tagged ‘men’
Peter: “We want emotional connection as much as women do”
Peter is a reader who has written thoughtful comments in the past. I found his latest email so interesting that I’m posting it here, for your comments:
I was struck by the hostility from “Jeane,” and pleased by your response, characterizing it as “anti-male”. It certainly was. I’ve been playing the personals for a while and have been struck by the sexism that exists even here in the center of gender enlightenment (San Francisco).
When people can hide behind the anonymity of the internet, a lot of heartfelt feelings are exposed, and some of them are bitter. I understand that sexism against women is as old as recorded history, and that men need to come to terms with resentment that will inevitably be released in forums in which face to face contact exists, and much more in forums where the discomfort of a personal retort is absent. I’m prepared for that, and make a point of identifying myself as a feminist in my responses, but still am distressed by the hostility of the type I read from Jeanne.
If there is any message you can convey to older women through your forum, please tell them that many men are trying hard to get past this barrier to male-female relations that an oppressive culture imposes, but it’s a two way street and we must get encouragement, not dismissal, when we make that honest effort.
My experience in internet dating – or attempts at it – is that many women begin with a chip on their shoulders, posting ads that lead with “where are the good men,” “are there any good men left,” “don’t bother if you’re (fill in the blank),” or disclaimers about not being there for casual sex.
The theme seems to be that men are presumed to be lurking on a romantic website for a quick lay. The reality is that men and women have a different biology, and that becomes very apparent at menopause. We know that, and to assume a man in his fifties, trying to connect with a woman his age, is ignorant of or impatient to the need to be considerate of those facts is condescending. We want emotional connection as much as women do, will do what’s necessary to get it, including working with her around sexual issues.
But women need to give us a chance, not assume we will think less of them because we have changed in different ways and at different rates. We want you, ladies. We’re ready to try.
Let’s hear from both women and men about this issue. I challenge you to express yourself without stereotpying the other gender. The way to tear down barriers is one honest communication at a time.
We’re listening….
Sexual adventurer, age 58, has “every time/ everyone” condom rule
Many thanks to the people who are responding to my request for interviews for my next book! I am getting such interesting stories! For example…
When I asked Tinggi, age 58, how active his sex life was, he said, “Depends on what you mean by ‘sex’!” His erotic activity includes self-pleasuring to orgasm one to three times a day, and intercourse with one to three or more partners (male and female) per week, one to two orgasms per partner. “I tend to have several partners at the same time,” says Tinggi. “I’ve been with two of my partners for five years, another for two years. All of the relationships are open and all my partners regularly have sex with others.” His sexual adventures in the past few years have included multiple partner scenes at sex parties, masturbating for four hours while riding an anal plug while being videocast globally, and nude theater performances.
Tinggi is diligent about practicing safer sex, and has not indulged in partner sex without a condom in 30 years. “My barrier policy is standard, long fixed, and known by all who have shared erotic times with me: Barriers are always used, for everyone, every time, for any genital contact,” he explained in a comment on my blog. “This ‘every time/everyone’ policy makes life simpler — no need for elaborate calculations as to number of partners, who they were, days since last std check-up, partners since our last date, etc. When sex is likely, or probably, or possible, or even a wisp of my imagination, I bring my own supply of barriers. Should the opportunity arise, and both having shed clothes, I simply say, ‘Ok, now time to get Charles (not my name) dressed,’ and put on a condom.”
When dates insist on sex without a barrier, which rarely happens, “the date becomes a chaste one and a last one.” Steady dates, people with whom he has sex repeatedly, get the same treatment each date: “every time/everyone.”
“I do not ask my dates about STD check-ups, partners, etc. I am going to use barriers regardless of my date’s answers. People can have an STD of which they show no signs detectable outside of a laboratory. I believe this ‘every time/everyone’ policy protects my dates, myself, and my community. A sad fact is that HIV is being transmitted in our retirement homes – by their residents. It is already there waiting for me. Barrier use can be eroticized to become a fun and arousing part of sexual interaction.”
Bill B: 59-yr-old Guy’s Viewpoint
I just received an email from Bill B., age 59, who brings up so many provocative topics and expressed so skillfully that I’m giving Bill his own post here:
Hi, Joan, I just became aware of your book about sex over 60 featuring the feminine perspective and look forward to reading it. In response to some of your questions, as a guy, I think we generally like things presented in a “Problem: Solution” format. For example; a chapter titled ‘Rise & Shine’ might present the various forms of ED, and then some of the available answers for each ‘challenge’.
While I’m currently most interested in keeping my long term relationship viable and fun, I would like to know how I might have to deal with forming new relationships after becoming a ‘sudden single’. I hope there’d be room and topic enough for both sides of relationship issues.
I would like to read men’s perspectives on the issues, both from a what didn’t work, to what did and, when possible, why. Possibly a survey of some sort, answered by both men and women might provide some supportive insight to the specific cases or examples you would cite. Maybe it would present something like:
“John’s gruff attempts at intimacy made him feel like something else had been lost to aging; he couldn’t remember the way to a woman’s heart, so he quit trying because he would just fail again. Marcy is married to a man like John, and feels … about it. Our Survey shows xx% of men say that they share these feelings and have found that … helps fix the problem. yy% of women responding to Marcy’s situation say … Clinical remedies suggest that … is usually effective in cases like this because …”
I would also like a woman’s perspective on the things I feel and experience. Sometimes a spouse can be too supportive, when a firm dose of reality might be better in the long run (maybe that’s another ‘guy’ thing).
I like all the topics you suggest. Most guys in my age group were pretty heavilly ‘John Wayne-ized’ as kids, i.e.: emotions are for women and non-men. I think a chapter or section titled something like “I wonder if other guys … ?” that dealt with subjects guys don’t usually discuss could be worthwhile. I grew up in a single mother household and didn’t get to see the daily life of a man. I’m far from alone in that. We’ve had to make it up, or copy it, from whereever we could.
Another thought occurs to me; If you want to lose a little title symmetry with your other book, you might call it “Sex after 60 for men: A user’s guide” — Muy Macho! I suspect that might cost you quite a few readers, because I think more women are still going to buy this book than men. After all; we’re men, and don’t need to stop for directions for anything (a feeling too true for too many guys).
Most of the sex manuals I’ve bought in the past were intended for my wife; I might browse some, pause at the art, and then put it somewhere she’d have to almost stumble over in hopes she’d read it and become my dreamt of ‘whore in the bedroom’ without my having to actually deal with anything. Of course it didn’t work, so my fix was to stop buying those silly manuals — they clearly weren’t worth much! I wonder if any of the publishing companies have buyer stats on their various sex manuals, and if they’d share them?
You have my permission to post any or all of this email with my signed name. I’m clearly no author; these are just some ramblings that occurred to me as/after I read your request for thoughts. I’m 59, Male, Married, Cauc, Some College, retired from USAF, retired from a computer consultancy, and have way too much time to annoy others.
Best of luck with your project,
Bill B.
What good timing, Bill, because I’m drafting my new book proposal this month. You’ve reinforced my ideas and given me some new ones. Readers like you, who get genuinely involved in speaking out about senior sexuality, let me know that I’m not on this mission alone!
Readers: Please comment. Men, do you agree that you’d be interested in the book Bill describes? Any additional ideas? Women, do you agree that you buy the books about sex, even (especially?) those for and about men?
Thanks, everyone!
— Joan
Beyond Sags and Bags: MSN.com
Thanks to Jeremy Egner for his enlightening article, “The New Definition of ‘Sexy'” on the men’s lifestyle channel at MSN.com.
Egner cites a recent poll of more than 10,600 American adults that found that “sexy is more an attitude than it is a perfect physique.” More than 76 percent said a woman can be sexy if she was a size 14 or larger (well, sure!) and that “women (84 percent) are much more likely than men (63 percent) to say sexiness derives from an intangible quality … rather than looks.
Egner interviewed me about how non-physical qualities become even more sexy as we age. On page 2, he writes,
But as we get older and gain status, emotional security and hard-won wisdom, we’re looking less for hotties and babymakers than for compatible mates that will help create durable and rewarding relationships, says Joan Price, author, blogger and self-described “advocate of ageless sexuality.”
Such considerations feed our personal ideas about what is sexy. Other factors include our awareness of our own changing bodies.
“We have wrinkles, sags and bags. If having perfect faces and unlined bodies was a prerequisite for sexiness, we’d be out of the story already,” says Joan Price, 63, who wrote about evolving sexuality in her book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty. “We yearn for the same touch and intimacy but we have to first internalize the changed idea of what sexy is. We have to see ourselves as sexy.”
Price recalls asking her 70-year-old husband Robert, whom she married last May, to explain exactly how he could consider her to be as beautiful as he claimed when she could plainly see all her lines and physical imperfections whenever she looked into a mirror. (So don’t expect those sorts of questions to go away anytime soon, guys.)
“He told me, ‘If I am to know myself and accept my own aging process, how could I want anything less from you?'” Price says. “I tell that story sometimes when I’m asked to speak somewhere and women always ask, ‘Does Robert have a brother?'”
“When two people who really accept themselves come together, that’s where good sex happens,” she adds. “The most powerful sex organ is the brain.”
With this article, though, is a slide slow of the so-called “Sexiest Women Over 35,” which I found very disappointing. Why? The oldest “woman over 35” is Elle Macpherson, who is just 44 (a teenybopper in our world). Why isn’t Sophia Loren (73) on that list? Julie Christie (66)? Lena Horne (88)? 
Or any of the other women listed on my post, How Old Are They Now?
Or does “over 35” have a nine year cut-off date?
This list is one more reminder of how much work is left to do in tearing down the stereotype of sexiness as synonymous with youth, and substituting real live role models of sexiness twice as old as the youngsters MSN.com chose as the “sexiest women over 35”!