Sexual adventurer, age 58, has “every time/ everyone” condom rule

Many thanks to the people who are responding to my request for interviews for my next book! I am getting such interesting stories! For example…

When I asked Tinggi, age 58, how active his sex life was, he said, “Depends on what you mean by ‘sex’!” His erotic activity includes self-pleasuring to orgasm one to three times a day, and intercourse with one to three or more partners (male and female) per week, one to two orgasms per partner. “I tend to have several partners at the same time,” says Tinggi. “I’ve been with two of my partners for five years, another for two years. All of the relationships are open and all my partners regularly have sex with others.” His sexual adventures in the past few years have included multiple partner scenes at sex parties, masturbating for four hours while riding an anal plug while being videocast globally, and nude theater performances.

Tinggi is diligent about practicing safer sex, and has not indulged in partner sex without a condom in 30 years. “My barrier policy is standard, long fixed, and known by all who have shared erotic times with me: Barriers are always used, for everyone, every time, for any genital contact,” he explained in a comment on my blog. “This ‘every time/everyone’ policy makes life simpler — no need for elaborate calculations as to number of partners, who they were, days since last std check-up, partners since our last date, etc. When sex is likely, or probably, or possible, or even a wisp of my imagination, I bring my own supply of barriers. Should the opportunity arise, and both having shed clothes, I simply say, ‘Ok, now time to get Charles (not my name) dressed,’ and put on a condom.”

When dates insist on sex without a barrier, which rarely happens, “the date becomes a chaste one and a last one.” Steady dates, people with whom he has sex repeatedly, get the same treatment each date: “every time/everyone.”

“I do not ask my dates about STD check-ups, partners, etc. I am going to use barriers regardless of my date’s answers. People can have an STD of which they show no signs detectable outside of a laboratory. I believe this ‘every time/everyone’ policy protects my dates, myself, and my community. A sad fact is that HIV is being transmitted in our retirement homes – by their residents. It is already there waiting for me. Barrier use can be eroticized to become a fun and arousing part of sexual interaction.”

Bill B: 59-yr-old Guy’s Viewpoint

I just received an email from Bill B., age 59, who brings up so many provocative topics and expressed so skillfully that I’m giving Bill his own post here:

Hi, Joan, I just became aware of your book about sex over 60 featuring the feminine perspective and look forward to reading it. In response to some of your questions, as a guy, I think we generally like things presented in a “Problem: Solution” format. For example; a chapter titled ‘Rise & Shine’ might present the various forms of ED, and then some of the available answers for each ‘challenge’.

While I’m currently most interested in keeping my long term relationship viable and fun, I would like to know how I might have to deal with forming new relationships after becoming a ‘sudden single’. I hope there’d be room and topic enough for both sides of relationship issues.

I would like to read men’s perspectives on the issues, both from a what didn’t work, to what did and, when possible, why. Possibly a survey of some sort, answered by both men and women might provide some supportive insight to the specific cases or examples you would cite. Maybe it would present something like:

“John’s gruff attempts at intimacy made him feel like something else had been lost to aging; he couldn’t remember the way to a woman’s heart, so he quit trying because he would just fail again. Marcy is married to a man like John, and feels … about it. Our Survey shows xx% of men say that they share these feelings and have found that … helps fix the problem. yy% of women responding to Marcy’s situation say … Clinical remedies suggest that … is usually effective in cases like this because …”

I would also like a woman’s perspective on the things I feel and experience. Sometimes a spouse can be too supportive, when a firm dose of reality might be better in the long run (maybe that’s another ‘guy’ thing).

I like all the topics you suggest. Most guys in my age group were pretty heavilly ‘John Wayne-ized’ as kids, i.e.: emotions are for women and non-men. I think a chapter or section titled something like “I wonder if other guys … ?” that dealt with subjects guys don’t usually discuss could be worthwhile. I grew up in a single mother household and didn’t get to see the daily life of a man. I’m far from alone in that. We’ve had to make it up, or copy it, from whereever we could.

Another thought occurs to me; If you want to lose a little title symmetry with your other book, you might call it “Sex after 60 for men: A user’s guide” — Muy Macho! I suspect that might cost you quite a few readers, because I think more women are still going to buy this book than men. After all; we’re men, and don’t need to stop for directions for anything (a feeling too true for too many guys).

Most of the sex manuals I’ve bought in the past were intended for my wife; I might browse some, pause at the art, and then put it somewhere she’d have to almost stumble over in hopes she’d read it and become my dreamt of ‘whore in the bedroom’ without my having to actually deal with anything. Of course it didn’t work, so my fix was to stop buying those silly manuals — they clearly weren’t worth much! I wonder if any of the publishing companies have buyer stats on their various sex manuals, and if they’d share them?

You have my permission to post any or all of this email with my signed name. I’m clearly no author; these are just some ramblings that occurred to me as/after I read your request for thoughts. I’m 59, Male, Married, Cauc, Some College, retired from USAF, retired from a computer consultancy, and have way too much time to annoy others.

Best of luck with your project,
Bill B.

What good timing, Bill, because I’m drafting my new book proposal this month. You’ve reinforced my ideas and given me some new ones. Readers like you, who get genuinely involved in speaking out about senior sexuality, let me know that I’m not on this mission alone!

Readers: Please comment. Men, do you agree that you’d be interested in the book Bill describes? Any additional ideas? Women, do you agree that you buy the books about sex, even (especially?) those for and about men?

Thanks, everyone!

— Joan

Guy Talk about Sex after Sixty

Since Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty came out, I have been speaking to groups around the US and Canada, and one question keeps coming up from the men: Where is the book about sex after sixty for us? Although many men have read and enjoyed Better Than I Ever Expected — and tell me they have learned a lot from it! — it was written primarily for women and about women.

I’m listening, guys! You want a book that addresses your concerns, too, and includes men’s experiences told by men.

I’m thinking about my next book now, and I’d like to know what you’d want to read: a book just about men and sex after midlife, or would you want a balance of men and women speaking out about their attitudes and experiences? Would you be more interested in the special challenges of dating after 50 or 60, or keeping a long-term relationship sexy, or both?

Women, would you like to hear guy talk about sex after sixty? Would you read a book aimed at men to know your man better?

Men and women, would you be interested in reading about couples who have kept their sex lives spicy and satisfying long-term?

What specific questions or topics would you hope to read?

I’m brainstorming my next book, and I await your input! Either click “comment” below or email me if you prefer. I look forward to hearing from you!