Posts Tagged ‘reader story’
Julia from Alabama: “You can’t have my rights, I’m still using them!”
Julia Carter is a frequent reader of this blog. She offered to find out just how the new Alabama law prohibiting the sale of sex toys affects a woman intent on buying one. So she visited two Alabama shops specializing in items for erotic pleasure (see? I’m resisting calling them “sex-toy shops” because such products are against the law) to investigate on behalf of all Alabamans seeking sexual freedom. Here’s her report:
As it says in Marty Klein’s excellent article, the Alabama legislature has recently passed a law prohibiting the sale of sex toys in this state. Wanting to find out first hand what this actually means to local consumers, I decided to stop in at one of our stores.
I visited a shop called “Pleasures” for two reasons, one is they have the most extensive selection of any retail store in this area, the other being that the owner of this shop, Sherri Williams, challenged the proposed law in court, filing numerous appeals against the state, including an appeal to the Supreme Court. Unfortunately the courts refused to hear her last appeal, so it is now illegal to sell sex toys or dildos in the state of Alabama.
I was immediately greeted by a nice young woman, who then asked to see my ID. “Hmm,” I thought, “I’m 55 and I’m being carded, this is cool,” although I’m sure this is standard procedure for everyone who comes in to the shop. You must be 18 or older to enter.
The store looked about the same, with all the same merchandise as before. In front, where it can be seen by anyone passing by, including children, is a whole array of lingerie. Nothing directly sexually suggestive, so if I had kids I wouldn’t mind them seeing this. In the back part of the store where they used to keep their huge variety of sex toys, are the enormous variety of “novelty items” which are now sold for medical, scientific, and educational purposes, or to be used at a party for something such as a “cake topper.”
Since I think lots of orgasms are good for my health, I was pleased to see that all the same medical devices I’ve been used to being able to purchase were still there, with even a few new additions, though I suggested that they might get into trouble calling things medical devices.
I told the salesperson I was there to find out how the new law was panning out, and to see what they could still sell.
We chatted for a bit and giggled about the day the Supreme Court refused to hear Sherri’s appeal and the city lit up our big rocket, part of Huntsville’s famous Space and Rocket Center, with hot pink lights in honor of the first day of breast cancer awareness month, not realizing that these two stories would both be on the evening news.
Then she showed me some of their new items which are especially woman-friendly, with shapes to fit the contours of the female body. Although there were some products with labels saying they were for medical use only, most of the products on the racks have a sticker on them that says “SOLD AS A NOVELTY ONLY” followed by smaller print saying not to use it on inflamed tissue, skin eruptions, or unexplained calf pain, and that they are not suggested for penetration of body openings.
I asked if customers would have to sign a waiver if making a purchase, and we do. This is what it says:
“All products which may be subject to the restrictions imposed by code of Alabama sections 13A-12-200.2 and 13A-12-20.3 are displayed at Pleasures for bona fide educational purposes only so that our customers may make informed medical, scientific and educational decisions with respect to the type of products displayed.
“No such product is offered for sale in this store. You may offer to purchase such a product, but by asking to purchase an item you represent and warrant that your purchase and any resulting sale of the product is for a bona fide medical, scientific, educational, legislative or judicial purpose. In her/his sole discretion, any employee of Pleasures may refuse to accept such an offer to purchase.
“No exceptions will be made to this policy.
(The fourth paragraph is a standard medical disclaimer.)
“Alabama State Law does not prohibit the possession of an adult toy. Nothing sold in this store is prohibited by law.”
Paragraph two of the disclaimer says, in other words, that if a customer comes in asking to buy a sex toy or a dildo, they will be told that the store does not sell sex toys or dildos, and can be asked to leave.
I bought a medical device, a new bullet (mine’s about to wear out) and an educational device, an intriguing looking sleeve for the bullet that has a g-spot attachment that I’ve never seen before, paid my $16.50, and signed the document.
Since one day we could have a class action lawsuit against the state I guess I also bought these items for “legal and judicial purposes.”
The next day I called another local store, Naughty and Spice, which carries a similar array of lingerie and “novelty items.” (I like their lingerie because they have fishnet tights which fit well over bigger legs and are very durable.) They told me their policy was similar to the one at Pleasures, and that no one from the state had come into the store to tell them to take the novelty toys off the shelves. They are planning to open a second store just across the state line in Tennessee, about a 30 minute drive from here.
Since most people don’t have this new information, I decided to do a public service announcement at our pub’s open mic night. “It is now illegal to sell sex toys in Alabama. This law was challenged several times, and we gave it the good fight, but we lost. If you go into a store asking for sex toys or dildos they’ll tell you they don’t sell these items and can ask you to leave. However you can still buy novelty items . . . ”
This helped the bartender out a lot, because it was near closing time and all the people he would normally have to ask to leave, several times usually, left on their own in a big hurry. Most of them were youngish guys, a few with girlfriends in tow, who seemed to still think those anatomically correct pleasuring devices are competition for them. If you ask me this is one of the major underlying attitudes behind making it illegal to sell these things. Hopefully they — and our state legislators — will gain more self esteem and emotional maturity in the future.
Some of my younger women friends have tiny stickers which say “you can have my sex toy when you pry it from my cold dead . . . .” I don’t like the negative tone of this one and thought about instead putting one of my worn out silver bullets in the back window of my car with my new bumper sticker that says “No you can’t have my rights, I’m still using them,” but decided this wouldn’t be in very good taste.
I’ve been laughing and joking about all this, and I still have access to my toys, but I deeply resent the fact that once again a bunch of de-sexed, mostly male authority figures are attempting to interfere with our sexual freedom. The sex toy law is not all that different from our state laws forbidding legally recognized partnerships of homosexuals, and the national laws that some are attempting to pass making abortion and maybe even contraception illegal. All of these are efforts to limit and control our splendidly varied erotic expression.
Thank you, Julia, for this terrific report! Comments, anyone? — Joan
Tom, 55, “My wife had her first orgasm in six years”
Tom, age 55, wrote me a beautiful account of how he and his wife rediscovered their intimacy and sexual pleasure after a combination of health issues and medications left his wife unable to have orgasms. She was taking blood pressure medicine and antidepressants, and had stopped hormone replacement therapy. Tom had his own health issues, including low metabolism and testosterone levels. Combined with his wife’s lack of lubrication, decreased sensation, and anxiety, “our sex life seemed to be drying up.”
We slowly reached the point where we decided we needed to fix the situation. We started taking more time in our lovemaking and trying different lubricants, and that did work much better for us. I also bought your book Better Than I ever Expected, and it has been very helpful.
However, I found that when we had romantic weekends, I would occasionally have problems maintaining my erection. That had never happened before and was really stressful, so I now use Levitra to have confidence that I can be erect. The effects of Levitra seem to linger, so I don’t feel like I need to take it right before lovemaking. I can take it anywhere from one to 12 hours ahead of time and it still works for me.
Unfortunately, no amount of foreplay, oral or manual stimulation was able to bring about an orgasm in my wife. This was really frustrating to me, since I felt that our lovemaking was too one-sided. I think it maybe bothered me more than my wife. In the past, I was very good at knowing her body and her response and I could bring about very nice orgasms by a combination of oral and manual massaging.
So, after reading your book, and doing some additional reading and research, I spent $225 on an Eroscillator. We had never experimented with sex toys, so I wanted to get something that looked like it would be effective, and this seemed to have the recommendations and documentation to back it up.
What a difference! The first time we tried it, we spent some time together getting warmed up, and I used the soft fingertip attachment on her. My wife had her first orgasm in six years within just a few minutes, and she cried in my arms afterwards. This has made a huge difference in our lovemaking, and my wife now has very strong orgasms.
We are still trying to figure out the best way to work it into our lovemaking, we had never used any vibrators or sex toys before. I love it because I now can be sure that I can please her, and I want her to be able to come first. I like it because it is nearly silent, and very effective.
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| “soft fingertip” |
Thank you, Tom, for your candor and for the details that will help other people in the same situation. As you know, I’ve been a fan of the Eroscillator (the soft fingertip attachment is my favorite, too!), and I found my own eyes starting to water when I read about your wife crying in your arms after her first orgasm in six years. As for how to work it into your lovemaking, the woman can hold it and use it for clitoral stimulation while her partner is caressing and arousing her manually, and she can also use it during intercourse, depending on the position.
“What would you tell others in your situation?” I asked Tom.
I would just tell others that there are ways to make things better. Talking with doctors and counselors can help, but I think that the familiarity of their doctors with sexual issues may be lacking, so specialists may be needed. I do know from personal experience how difficult it is to go to a doctor and ask for help on sexual matters. Requesting a prescription for Levitra was a very tough thing to do, so I can imagine that talking about more difficult issues can be very hard.
Fortunately, with some effort, the Internet can be a good source for information. That is where I learned about your book and blog, and I also picked up Dr. Ruth’s book. I also used it to search for different lubricants to try and learn about the Eroscillator. Especially for people who are not in a major city the Internet is a great tool.
Peter: “We want emotional connection as much as women do”
Peter is a reader who has written thoughtful comments in the past. I found his latest email so interesting that I’m posting it here, for your comments:
I was struck by the hostility from “Jeane,” and pleased by your response, characterizing it as “anti-male”. It certainly was. I’ve been playing the personals for a while and have been struck by the sexism that exists even here in the center of gender enlightenment (San Francisco).
When people can hide behind the anonymity of the internet, a lot of heartfelt feelings are exposed, and some of them are bitter. I understand that sexism against women is as old as recorded history, and that men need to come to terms with resentment that will inevitably be released in forums in which face to face contact exists, and much more in forums where the discomfort of a personal retort is absent. I’m prepared for that, and make a point of identifying myself as a feminist in my responses, but still am distressed by the hostility of the type I read from Jeanne.
If there is any message you can convey to older women through your forum, please tell them that many men are trying hard to get past this barrier to male-female relations that an oppressive culture imposes, but it’s a two way street and we must get encouragement, not dismissal, when we make that honest effort.
My experience in internet dating – or attempts at it – is that many women begin with a chip on their shoulders, posting ads that lead with “where are the good men,” “are there any good men left,” “don’t bother if you’re (fill in the blank),” or disclaimers about not being there for casual sex.
The theme seems to be that men are presumed to be lurking on a romantic website for a quick lay. The reality is that men and women have a different biology, and that becomes very apparent at menopause. We know that, and to assume a man in his fifties, trying to connect with a woman his age, is ignorant of or impatient to the need to be considerate of those facts is condescending. We want emotional connection as much as women do, will do what’s necessary to get it, including working with her around sexual issues.
But women need to give us a chance, not assume we will think less of them because we have changed in different ways and at different rates. We want you, ladies. We’re ready to try.
Let’s hear from both women and men about this issue. I challenge you to express yourself without stereotpying the other gender. The way to tear down barriers is one honest communication at a time.
We’re listening….
73-yr-old man pleases wife with “ten fingers and a tongue”
A reader who wants to call himself “Buttonbob” sent me this email:
I am a 73 year old male. For the past few years I have been using Viagra. I must confess that most of the time it didn’t do the trick. But an old friend of mine reminded me that I had ten fingers and a tongue.
I found to my surprise that my lady didn’t need intercourse and was more than happy to settle for hugging and oral touching and caressing. Once over the shock I discovered I began to enjoy the touching and caressing even more, My advice to others is get over the idea that intercourse is the end all. Enjoy your close relationship with your spouse that touching and hugging can give.
This is a subject that comes up over and over. Many men think that intercourse is the goal of sex, and that if they have erectile difficulties, they might as well give it up. Not true! Sex is two minds, two bodies, and two hearts making love — not just two sets of genitals! There are many ways to please a partner without intercourse, and this reader is right on track with “ten fingers and a tongue”!
I welcome your comments.