Posts by Joan Price
Valentine’s Day Reflection
For many of us who have had many decades of relationships, Valentine’s Day is a time to reflect.
Personally, I am glad for every relationship in my life, whether or not it turned out to be right for me. Each one helped me refine who I was, what I had to give a partner, what I was looking for, and what sustained me and stimulated me vs. what boxed me in or hurt me.
I’ve remained close friends with past lovers and my first husband, and I treasure them in my life now. These are men whom I’ve loved and love still, and I know they feel that way about me, too.
Other past lovers I’ve lost touch with, but would love to bring back for a conversation about the past and the present.
Of course Valentine’s Day is also about missing Robert, as it is for you if you’ve lost your love. But instead of today being all about loss, let’s let it be about what we’ve found over our long life of loving.
I’d love to involve you in a discussion of how we see past and present relationships, what we’ve learned from them, what we see — or hope to see — in our future. Please comment and get the conversation going.
If you don’t want to use your name, please identify yourself with a first name of your choice — let’s not have a string of comments from “Anonymous,” okay? Please include your age.
(Do I really need to say that “please comment” is NOT an invitation to be spammed by purveyors of pills, porn, jelly toys, escorts, or other products and services? I moderate comments, and my community trusts me to keep the spammers out of the conversation. If, on the other hand, you’re an author, educator, or blogger in a relevant field, I’m happy to have you include a link with your comment.)
No Sex for 12 Years, Now Vagina Too Tight for Penetration
Frustrated in Florida, age 61, had not had sex for nearly 12 years, until recently. She wrote in an email to me:
Apparently one’s vagina does change after not using it for a long period of time. I always thought sex was like riding a bicycle, but it is not. One can’t just get back on and ride! I experienced such pain during the attempted penetration that we had to stop. What a disappointing and embarrassing moment. My partner was very understanding, however I was just frustrated and disappointed.
I went to my GYN for an examination soon after and explained my circumstances. She gave me a thorough exam and said although I had many tiny lacerations and redness, my vagina seemed normal. She explained how one’s vaginal lining becomes thin after menopause and her advise was to abstain from sex for two weeks, using lubrication to aid in healing.
When we engaged in sex again, very gently, I was once again disappointed with the level of pain even though using lots of lubrication. We once again had to stop.
So now I am wondering if there is some way I can stretch my vagina for it seems like it has shrunk. (Perhaps it is just my imagination running wild!)
Have you had anyone else write you with a similar problem and if so is there a solution? For your information I have never been on hormones and my partner’s penis is of normal size.
No, it’s not your imagination, and yes, it’s true that the vagina will seem to shrink after a long period of abstinence, especially after menopause, and penetration will be painful or sometimes impossible. You’ll find a helpful chapter in my book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex and several other posts about vaginal pain on this blog.
I’m disappointed that your gynecologist is not this helpful. Telling you you’re “normal” while you have lacerations and pain is not helpful, is it? Most doctors do not know how to diagnose or treat vaginal pain, and it ‘s wise ask for a referral to a sexual pain specialist.
Please read Vaginal Renewal Program by Myrtle Wilhite, M.D., at A Woman’s Touch, a wonderful sexuality resource center in Madison, WI. It tells you step by step how to massage and stretch your vagina. Here’s an abridged version:
* External Moisturizing and Massage: Increase the suppleness and blood circulation of the skin of your vulva and vagina with a five- to ten-minute massage with a moisturizing sexual lubricant like Liquid Silk®, a water-based lotion that will soak in and moisturize your skin, won’t get sticky, and will help you massage with very little friction.
Push in to the skin with circular strokes, and massage what’s underneath the skin, rather than brushing across the skin. Include the inner lips, the hood of the clitoris, the head of the clitoris and the perineum.
To complete your external massage, massage into the opening of the vaginal canal, using the same circular strokes. The massage itself does not need to be self-sexual in any way, but if that is comfortable for you, by all means explore these sensations.
* Internal Vaginal Massage: To massage inside your vaginal canal, we suggest using a lucite dildo which is very smooth and will not cause friction or tearing. Choose your size based upon how many fingers you can comfortably insert into the opening of your vagina.
After a session of external vulva massage, apply the same massage to the inner surfaces of your vagina with your dildo with lubricant applied on both skin and dildo. Rather than pushing the dildo in and out, use a circular massage movement. You are increasing skin flexibility so that your body can adjust to comfortable sexual penetration if you choose it.
You might also choose to use a slim vibrator for massaging the vaginal walls. Coat it in Liquid Silk and then insert it gently. Turn it on and let it run for about five minutes. You don’t need to move it around, just lie there and let it do its work.
* Orgasm: For women who stop having orgasms, the blood vessels literally can get out of shape, preventing future orgasms. If you are able to bring yourself to orgasm, do so at least once a week (for the rest of your life — seriously). This is preventive maintenance of your body.
* Kegel Relaxation: Kegels increase both the strength and flexibility of your pelvic floor muscles. Pay attention to the relaxation and deep breath part of the exercise. Learning to relax your pelvic floor will help you to avoid tensing up before penetration. (Read A Woman’s Touch’s Step-by-Step Kegels in this article about pelvic floor health.)
In my earlier book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty, I had interviewed a 75-year-old woman who had been celibate for 38 years and was in a new relationship. She was unable to have intercourse because her vagina had dried and narrowed to the point that penetration was impossible. She sought help from her gynecologist (a wonderful woman who bought dozens of copies of Better Than I Ever Expected to give to her patients!), who helped her.
Herbs for Sexual Enhancement, guest post by pharmacist Paul Roberts
R.Ph., M.S.,
for sexual function are rarely used alone. Rather they’re found with several
others in combination. Therefore it’s difficult to determine which individual
ones work, and adequate studies for safety are generally lacking. Fortunately
herbs have generally mild effects and a good safety record overall, compared to
prescription medications.
because they may interact with another medication you’re taking or aggravate a
condition you have.
“Puncture Vine”
Uses: to treat impotence, infertility, and increase muscle strength. Tribulus is widely used in combination with other herbs for sexual dysfunction in men.
lower blood glucose levels); take lithium; have benign prostate enlargement,
prostate cancer, hormone dependent cancers, or other hormone-linked medical
conditions. Tribulus may interact with some heart and blood pressure medicines,
such as beta-blockers, calcium channel blockers, digoxin, and diuretics. Avoid
this herb for sexual dysfunction in women, as it’s likely to aggravate the
condition.
formulas for sexual dysfunction, although there’s little scientific evidence
that it works. It is possibly effective for men and may be worth a trial for up
to 8 weeks if you do not have any of the contraindications.
arousal in women, orgasmic function, sexual satisfaction, physical stamina.
if you have autoimmune disease (it may stimulate immune function). Avoid if you
have schizophrenia unless prescribed by your doctor. It also has some
estrogenic effects and should be avoided by women with estrogen-sensitive
cancers or conditions.
frequently if you’re diabetic. Use only under medical supervision if you are
taking antidepressants or antipsychotics. It may cause insomnia and increase the
effect of caffeine, use with caution if you have difficulty sleeping. One study of a product containing
Korean ginseng, yohimbine , Horny Goat Weed, Muira Puama, and other ingredients
found the combination can interact with medications and may lead to irregular
heartbeats.
of 500mg to 2,000 mg for 4 weeks to 6 months. Found to significantly improve sexual function over 4 to 12 weeks.
Libido, orgasmic function, and sexual satisfaction have been shown improved
over 8 weeks, but probably not effective for increasing physical stamina. Used
by over 6 million Americans, Ginseng can be considered for improving sexual
function in men and enhancing sexual arousal in women if you do not have any of
the contraindications or cautions.
relieve stress. Maca root in dried form has been consumed by Peruvians as
regularly for several thousand years, but never the fresh root, which is
considered unsafe.
other hormone-linked medical conditions.
female hormonal balance, no studies have been done in women.
libido and increasing sperm amount at 1.5 to 3 grams daily of the dried
powdered root. More studies are needed to verify other uses. Likely safe (in
the dried form) for short term, up to 3 to 4 months. Due to widespread use and
safety, in spite of lack of studies, combinations with Maca may be worth a
trial in healthy individuals.
Flower”
It is purported to inhibit the conversion of testosterone into estrogen,
however studies that show this are lacking.
inhibitors (Femara®, Arimidex®, Aromasin®) because
it may increase the drug’s effect. May interfere with anticoagulant, platelet
treatments or cause low blood pressure. Avoid if you are immunosuppressed or
immunocompromised. Avoid in hormone-dependent cancers, or other hormone-linked
medical conditions.
by the liver enzyme “Cyp1A2” including caffeine. Ask your pharmacist
or doctor if this could affect any of your prescriptions.
progesterone or has progesterone effects are not supported by studies.
when used in appropriate doses for short term. However, Wild Yam is not
converted to hormones in the body as is commonly believed, only in the
laboratory. Avoid this product.
as an aphrodisiac.
combination with other ingredients, however studies of the herb alone are
lacking.
term, but possibly avoid this herb until more is known.
Weed, Muira Puama, and other ingredients found the combination can interact
with medications and may lead to irregular heartbeats. Horny Goat Weed may
increase bleeding if you’re taking blood thinners. In combination with blood
pressure medications, it may lower blood pressure, leading to dizziness or
falls.
Intimacy, Sexuality and Dementia by Peggy Brick
One of my favorite sex educators, Peggy Brick, a true ground-breaker in the sexuality and aging field, has turned her remarkable talents to teaching about dementia. I invited her to guest blog about this urgent topic. As always, I invite your comments. — JoanIntimacy, Sexuality and Dementia
What does it mean, “We’re sexual from birth to death,” when faced with the growing specter of dementia? Will the nation acknowledge that over five million of its citizens with Alzheimer’s and other dementias have intimacy needs and rights? Will families, friends, professional caregivers, and institutions respect the sexuality needs and rights of individuals who are increasingly unable to care for themselves or respond to others in conventional ways? Will they learn how to connect by listening, touching, hugging, respecting, and loving the person who remains?
1. Dementia is part of today’s reality: if you’re lucky enough to live to be 85, there’s a 50 percent chance you will experience dementia. Now is the time to become an advocate for more research, education, care services, and progressive public policies.
2. Since currently there’s no cure for Alzheimer’s, do your best to prevent or delay it by promoting brain health through regular exercise, a heart-healthy diet, social connections, and brain-stimulating activities.
3. If you’re concerned about someone’s memory, get it checked — first by a primary physician, and then a psycho neurologist. Early diagnosis is key to getting support and planning for a future living with inevitable diminishments. Later, making choices becomes impossible.
4. Read books and view films to understand the experience of dementia. People diagnosed with Early Alzheimer’s have written powerful stories about their feelings and their relationships. Richard Taylor, author of “From the Inside Out” created a powerful DVD challenging the stigma. Many caregivers have revealed their struggles and survival techniques.
5. Stay connected with a person with dementia by meeting them where they are. Learn either the “Best Friends” or the “Validation Therapy” approach that dementia care programs use to help caregivers accept the person’s reality in ways that reduce anxiety and encourage communication.
6. Recognize that dementia profoundly affects partner relationships. A well spouse often experiences decreased attraction after assuming caretaking duties such as bathing and toileting. As the disease progresses, people may no longer recognize their partner or believe they’re someone else.
7. Sexual expression is especially important in a nursing home when physical contact may be a beneficial means of communication, serving to calm and reassure. Ask whether a home you are considering has a sexuality policy that documents residents’ sexual rights, adequate staff training, and abuse prevention strategies.
8. Most caregivers experience loss and grief as they interact with someone who is both there and not there. Unlike a death that is final, this loss continues, often for years, and is difficult and exhausting. You must take care of yourself, which is challenging – but essential — when you who love and care for someone with dementia.
– Peggy Brick, M.Ed., teaches “Alzheimer’s: New Perspectives” at Osher Lifelong Learning Institute, University of Delaware, and is the founder of the Sexuality and Aging Consortium at Widener University.