Posts by Joan Price
Widow’s personal story of “touch deprivation therapy”
Ellen Taft wrote me this moving email and gave me permission to publish it here:
I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done to help me get back out there again after losing my husband of 37 years in December of 2007. I’m 63 today, and it’s been a terrifying and exhilarating experience.
My husband died a year and a half ago. It had been over 40 years since I’d dated. Getting back out there has been a real trip! But I’ve done it, largely with the help from Joan’s book, Better than I Ever Expected, and her blog here with the wonderful information and links. The link to Judith Sills, and her book, Getting Naked Again, gave me the final push.
Sills suggested having a friend “mentor” your reentry into getting naked again. So that’s what I did. I asked a dear friend and fellow recent widower to help me in this tremendous step. We had been dating for a few months, very cautiously, as he is a more recent widower, and not ready for any new relationship, but this mentoring idea appealed to him.
We “negotiated” which means we clarified just what we were doing and why, so no one would be mislead. We shared our feelings about our bodies, what we needed the other to know, our limitations, and our fears.
I asked that we use condoms or get tested for STDs. It was an amazingly honest and open sharing, and I attribute the comfort level we experienced to our “negotiations.” Once we knew these intimate details about each other, the concern and caring that followed made the whole experience positive.
I had done a lot of reading, too, including Michael Castleman’s Great Sex, also mentioned in Joan’s blog, and all my reading paid off.
It was a wonderful, amazing three hours. Neither one of us could believe how smoothly it all went. We both enjoyed it so much and were so relaxed we have continued the relationship. We call it “Touch Deprivation Therapy,” and oh, how it helps!
Thank you, Ellen. I’m thrilled that you shared your experience with us and that my book recommendations helped you! (Read these and my other book reviews here.)
Aggressive prostate cancer treatment saved his life
Neil, age 74, who wrote his Personal View of Prostate Surgery and Sex here, wants to add this:
I hope I did not leave the impression that I am anti-physician. I do not want to imply that my caregivers were incompetent or uncaring. I certainly don’t think anyone lied to me. I am blessed with a caring and extremely competent urologist who has given me nine years free of prostate cancer.
The urologist was aggressive in treatment. Tests were conducted well before my PSA even reached critical numbers. Normal range is 1 to 4 — mine was a little over 2. The disease was caught early because of a very dedicated doctor.
My urologist routinely spends 12 to 14 hour days in the battle against cancer and has very little personal time. I am grateful for what was done for me. My physician, by the way, was not the person who gave the word that sex didn’t matter after 55. That was a second opinion guy at another medical center.
I suppose the myths and lack of information come from two areas:
(1) The work load of dedicated health care professionals is unbelievable. When faced with a choice of saving life or providing sexuality education, I would want my doctor to first go after the cancer. I was very grateful my urologist did just that. I am here today because of this priority.
(2) While some counseling was given, my physician candidly stated that not much training was given in matters of sexuality. There simply was not enough time for everything. I believe that. As I have talked to other urologists, the story is the same. There is just not enough time to get everything into the program of study.I am sure that we, as sex educators, have some responsibility to assist in making things better. Perhaps more of us will somehow find our way into relationships with medical school faculties. Hopefully, we can also raise awareness that would provide support to local medical groups as well. I would hope that we could be of assistance to the medical profession without getting in the way of their very important clinical work. I am sure that your book will also provide more information that can be placed in the hands of the health care community.
Above all, I want to leave the message for men to find a competent urologist and stay with their professional judgment. This stuff is nothing to mess with or take lightly. I prefer that we work hand in hand with health care professionals in the battle against cancer as well as the enhancement of sexuality.
Personal View of Prostate Surgery and Sex
Neil, age 74, offers this startling information about sex after prostate cancer surgery. I’m grateful to Neil for his willingness to share his personal story:
A diagnosis of cancer is very frightening. For me the journey was scary enough without the myths and misinformation I was told about cancer of the prostate. I share my experience in the hope that this information will be of help to others.
Myth # 1: “After Age 55, Sex Doesn’t Matter That Much Anyway.”
I heard these words from a physician who specializes in the treatment of prostate cancer. A very nice person, considered extremely competent, he believed his words would be comforting. They weren’t!Sex does matter after 55. I promised the doctor that I would look him up on his 55th birthday and tell him to “cut that out.” He sheepishly smiled and said, “Oh my. I think I said something wrong.”
Myth # 2: “What You Have At The End Of A Year Is What You Get.”
Although many men are told that any rehab after prostate cancer treatment will peak in twelve months, every case is different. Some methods of prostate cancer treatment can result in serious damage to sexual performance. On the other hand, robotic surgery and nerve sparing have greatly improved sexual potential. Whatever the case, don’t give up! There are options for almost every case of sexual impairment.But I must warn about some of the product advertisements that flood the market about penile enhancement, instant erections, and so on. Some of these products can be harmful to a cancer survivor. Some are loaded with testosterone which can cause further growth of prostate cancer. Check with your physician before trying any of these medications.
At all times, keep your partner involved in the options you’re considering. They can be our most precious friends and supporters. They deserve to be part of the solution to our new life experiences.
What We Are Often Not Told:
The penis will be about an inch shorter after surgery. Because the urethra passes through the prostate, when the prostate is removed, that portion of the urethra is removed as well. Then, when the urethra is resectioned, the penis is drawn in towards the abdomen. Secure circumcised males seem able weather this storm but uncircumcised males have an additional problem. The surgery leaves more foreskin than before. This additional tissue traps urine and produces odor. Baby Wipes do a very fine job of solving this problem. They are easy to carry and save a lot of embarrassment.
The “Missionary” position usually is no longer successful after prostate surgery. Because the prostate stabilizes the penis and prevents it from receding into the abdominal cavity, removal of the prostate decreases penile stability. The angle of the vagina, coupled with a shortened penis with no internal stability means vaginal intercourse may not work. However, “Doggie Style” and “Woman on Top” work just fine.
I welcome feedback about the experience of others regarding sex and prostate surgery!
9/22/2009: Neil added these comments about how his urologist saved his life.
Becka, 70, Gets Her First “Matches”
This guest blog is the second from Becka, a member of my online dating posse Enjoy Becka’s online dating report, Part 2: (Read Part 1 here.)
I signed up on Match.com and was instantly overwhelmed. I saw nowhere to click for anything free. Loads of ads blared at me, so I left. Free is good. All the other sites I looked at offered choices that were free, and you could upgrade to a paying choice later if you wanted to. It feels like bait and switch when they ask if you want to see a photo, you click on “yes,” and they take you to a page where you are offered a chance to pay for it. Be patient, stand your ground. If you like the facts about someone and decide to communicate, the person him/herself will send you a photo.
I signed up feeling very broad-minded, so I said that I was interested in meeting men ages 40-90 anywhere in the world. I am 70. But I lied about that and subtracted a year because I figure a 6 was more attractive than a 7. So sue me.
But the joke was on me. I was immediately shown six “matches,” ranging in age from 47 to 82. Guess who I found the most interesting? Yup. Age 82, who lived “only” 2,751 miles from me.
Here’s why I rejected the others, although some of you might find them appealing:
- Mike was a retired doctor who had no interests in anything other than things medical and golf. I hate golf.
- Robert said the most important thing in his life was his guru, whom he followed “passionately.” Personally, I like a man who thinks for himself, plus I wondered would he have enough passion left over for me?
- Cal was military all the way and liked his bed made up with precision corners. Me, I like rumpled sheets, lots of pillows and an oversized, wildly colorful bedspread. Definitely not a match!
- Zeke was into fixing up his trailer.
- Allen I actually knew and thought he was a sleaze.
- Harry suddenly appeared – true! — on the nightly news as a government employee who had been arrested for driving drunk. No thank you.
But I’m not discouraged. In fact, I’m about to send a response to Ian. He is retired, lives alone, has no family, is quiet, mild-mannered, unobtrusive and likes to fly. He is either Superman or a terrorist. So we’ll see.
Thank you, Becka, for your entertaining report! Who else wants to contribute your senior online dating experiences? See my invitation here. — Joan