Posts by Joan Price
Talking about condoms with a new partner
Some of my women readers, newly in the dating game after divorce or death of a spouse, tell me that they feel uncomfortable asking a new partner to use a condom. “If I ask a man to use a condom, it sounds like I don’t trust him,” they say. “If I have them on hand myself, he’ll think I sleep around.”
My belief is that if you can’t talk about safer sex with someone, you really shouldn’t be inviting that person to be an intimate partner! But I know it’s hard, especially if you’ve been in a long-term relationship and suddenly find yourself out in that scary world of dating, sex with new partners, and the risks that weren’t a part of our zesty youth.
I recommend never waiting until the heat of passion to bring up the subject. Instead, when the sparks and kisses signal that sex is likely in your future, have the discussion. Then you’ve agreed to be prepared when you’re ready for the next stage.
In my single past, these were some useful ways to approach the subject:
“I always use condoms with a new partner to protect us both.”
“I’ll buy the condoms — do you prefer a special kind?
“Your condoms or mine?”
I’ve had occasions when a man refused, saying something like, “Sex with condoms interferes with my enjoyment.”
I would reply, “Is no sex more enjoyable?”
At this point, of course, I knew the date was over, and I was glad to know in advance that he didn’t value my sexual health or his own. If he was willing to go to bed with me without protection, then he did that with his last partners, and they did it with their last partners, and so on.
I don’t claim that I used a condom with everyone all the time when I was single. In my younger days, the STDs we were likely to contract were either visible or could be cured with a prescription drug. But I got smarter with age, and became more demanding of barrier protection. If I knew someone well already, someone who had become a good friend, and I knew about his relationships and his sexual health status, we would get blood tests, and then feel comfortable about condomless sex. But that took deep discussions and friendship.
Let me hear from you — what do/would you say to bring up the subject of condom use?
(photo of Miriam Schuler, known as “Condom Grandma” in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where she volunteers in the Senior HIV Intervention Project.)
73-yr-old man pleases wife with “ten fingers and a tongue”
A reader who wants to call himself “Buttonbob” sent me this email:
I am a 73 year old male. For the past few years I have been using Viagra. I must confess that most of the time it didn’t do the trick. But an old friend of mine reminded me that I had ten fingers and a tongue.
I found to my surprise that my lady didn’t need intercourse and was more than happy to settle for hugging and oral touching and caressing. Once over the shock I discovered I began to enjoy the touching and caressing even more, My advice to others is get over the idea that intercourse is the end all. Enjoy your close relationship with your spouse that touching and hugging can give.
This is a subject that comes up over and over. Many men think that intercourse is the goal of sex, and that if they have erectile difficulties, they might as well give it up. Not true! Sex is two minds, two bodies, and two hearts making love — not just two sets of genitals! There are many ways to please a partner without intercourse, and this reader is right on track with “ten fingers and a tongue”!
I welcome your comments.
Looking for “Granny Sex”?
OK, I have to ask you — if you arrived at this site because you typed “granny sex” into your search engine, what were you hoping or expecting to find? I’m sincerely curious! Were you hoping to find an affirmation of older-age sexuality? (if so, you’re in the right place!) Or did you use those search words because you’re intrigued by what your grandmother might be doing behind closed doors? Or because you expect to get a giggle from a site that makes fun of elder sex? I’m just wondering… I hope you’ll comment!
If you’re wondering why I’m asking this, it turns out that many people arrive here because they searched “granny sex.” Far more of you search by “sexy seniors” or “senior sex” or “sex after sixty,” and that makes sense. But this “granny sex” idea puzzles me, and I hope you’ll respond! (You can either click “comments” below or email me, your choice.
2/6/08 update: As readers continue to use “granny sex” in emails to me and comments on this blog, as well as the search words that bring you here, I’ve come to understand that the term is not meant disrespectfully. In fact, a few of you have written me using “granny sex” quite lovingly. Is this term used outside the US more commonly than it is here, I wonder…?
Intimacy after prostate surgery
Several readers have posted and emailed me about sex and intimacy after prostate surgery. I asked Anne Katz , RN PhD, author of Breaking the Silence on Cancer and Sexuality: A Handbook for Health Care Providers and sexuality counselor at CancerCare Manitoba in Winnipeg, Manitoba, to respond to a common question:
Ever since my husband had his prostate removed because of prostate cancer, he has been reluctant to touch me. This is so upsetting. I love him very much and don’t know what to do.
It is common for men to be unable to have an erection after this surgery. Depending on the type of surgery (nerve sparing or not), his ability to have erections may or may not return. Many men are deeply distressed by this and may avoid all physical contact with their partner so as not to “lead them on” or disappoint them. This leads to a very unhappy partner who wants to express his/her love and support but feels cut off and cut out.
What is important is for the couple to TALK. It is often really difficult to talk about a sensitive topic when emotions are running high. But talking goes a long way to healing and connecting. Start with an “I” statement: “I miss touching you and being touched by you. How can we reconnect again?” Or perhaps: “I love you so much and want our relationship to be the way it was before the surgery. What can WE do to help this happen?”
While there are medications and treatments that may help, further treatment should be a couple’s decision and the man should always include his partner in medical appointments so that both people can express themselves and have their questions answered. Because communication is so important, the couple may need professional help to start the communication flowing. But seeking help is the first step.
For more posts about cancer and sexuality, please click “cancer” in the “labels” list in the right-hand column.
Is this helpful? Let me know what questions you’d like me to explore as we age and encounter physical and emotional challenges to our sexuality.
–Joan