73-yr-old man pleases wife with “ten fingers and a tongue”
A reader who wants to call himself “Buttonbob” sent me this email:
I am a 73 year old male. For the past few years I have been using Viagra. I must confess that most of the time it didn’t do the trick. But an old friend of mine reminded me that I had ten fingers and a tongue.
I found to my surprise that my lady didn’t need intercourse and was more than happy to settle for hugging and oral touching and caressing. Once over the shock I discovered I began to enjoy the touching and caressing even more, My advice to others is get over the idea that intercourse is the end all. Enjoy your close relationship with your spouse that touching and hugging can give.
This is a subject that comes up over and over. Many men think that intercourse is the goal of sex, and that if they have erectile difficulties, they might as well give it up. Not true! Sex is two minds, two bodies, and two hearts making love — not just two sets of genitals! There are many ways to please a partner without intercourse, and this reader is right on track with “ten fingers and a tongue”!
I welcome your comments.
Looking for “Granny Sex”?
OK, I have to ask you — if you arrived at this site because you typed “granny sex” into your search engine, what were you hoping or expecting to find? I’m sincerely curious! Were you hoping to find an affirmation of older-age sexuality? (if so, you’re in the right place!) Or did you use those search words because you’re intrigued by what your grandmother might be doing behind closed doors? Or because you expect to get a giggle from a site that makes fun of elder sex? I’m just wondering… I hope you’ll comment!
If you’re wondering why I’m asking this, it turns out that many people arrive here because they searched “granny sex.” Far more of you search by “sexy seniors” or “senior sex” or “sex after sixty,” and that makes sense. But this “granny sex” idea puzzles me, and I hope you’ll respond! (You can either click “comments” below or email me, your choice.
2/6/08 update: As readers continue to use “granny sex” in emails to me and comments on this blog, as well as the search words that bring you here, I’ve come to understand that the term is not meant disrespectfully. In fact, a few of you have written me using “granny sex” quite lovingly. Is this term used outside the US more commonly than it is here, I wonder…?
Intimacy after prostate surgery
Several readers have posted and emailed me about sex and intimacy after prostate surgery. I asked Anne Katz , RN PhD, author of Breaking the Silence on Cancer and Sexuality: A Handbook for Health Care Providers and sexuality counselor at CancerCare Manitoba in Winnipeg, Manitoba, to respond to a common question:
Ever since my husband had his prostate removed because of prostate cancer, he has been reluctant to touch me. This is so upsetting. I love him very much and don’t know what to do.
It is common for men to be unable to have an erection after this surgery. Depending on the type of surgery (nerve sparing or not), his ability to have erections may or may not return. Many men are deeply distressed by this and may avoid all physical contact with their partner so as not to “lead them on” or disappoint them. This leads to a very unhappy partner who wants to express his/her love and support but feels cut off and cut out.
What is important is for the couple to TALK. It is often really difficult to talk about a sensitive topic when emotions are running high. But talking goes a long way to healing and connecting. Start with an “I” statement: “I miss touching you and being touched by you. How can we reconnect again?” Or perhaps: “I love you so much and want our relationship to be the way it was before the surgery. What can WE do to help this happen?”
While there are medications and treatments that may help, further treatment should be a couple’s decision and the man should always include his partner in medical appointments so that both people can express themselves and have their questions answered. Because communication is so important, the couple may need professional help to start the communication flowing. But seeking help is the first step.
For more posts about cancer and sexuality, please click “cancer” in the “labels” list in the right-hand column.
Is this helpful? Let me know what questions you’d like me to explore as we age and encounter physical and emotional challenges to our sexuality.
–Joan
Tips for reclaiming sexuality after a health event
Many readers have reported concerns about how to reclaim their sexuality after a heart attack, cancer, or other health event. I asked licensed psychologist and sex therapist Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., to provide some tips for the new book I’m writing. Her information was so valuable that I didn’t want you to have to wait for the book:
- Speak to your physician about when you can resume sex and what kinds of limitations you might expect or need to work around. If you are uncomfortable talking about it with the physician, perhaps you can bring it up to the nurse. Nurses are often interested in helping patients achieve an optimal quality of life, and are trained to educate patients as well.
- If neither your physician nor the nurse is sexually savvy, then contact whatever organization is associated with your disease. For example, both the American Heart Association and the American Cancer Society publish booklets on sexuality and illness.
- Broaden your ideas about what constitutes “sex” after an illness event. Sex is more than intercourse. Count holding hands and cuddling as sex, and you and your partner might feel less disappointed or glum.
- If you are the person affected with a health problem, don’t conclude that if your partner isn’t bringing up sex, it is no longer important. Your partner may not want to intrude or make demands and is waiting for a sign of readiness from you.
- If you are the partner of the person with a health problem, accompany your partner to a physician’s visit to discuss sexual effects of any surgery or treatment. Educate yourself so that you can be a support to your partner, and so that you and your partner can discuss how to go forward.
- If you had sexual problems before the illness event, now might be a good opportunity to address them. It may be that your health problem contributed to your sexual problem. Again, discuss this with your physician or nurse.
- If you are having trouble resuming satisfying sexual activity, consider seeing a sex therapist. A sex therapist can help you identify obstacles and give you information and suggestions. Sometimes there can be deeper problems, like facing the fact that you are not invincible, that can also be addressed with a therapist.
Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist and sex therapist, and Director of The Buehler Institute in Irvine, California. Visit her blog about sex and intimacy.
Note: You can locate a sex therapist in your area through AASECT, American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors & Therapists.)
Want more ideas? Read my 7 Tips to Spice Up Your Sex Life post.