Posts Tagged ‘communication about sex’
Why so hard to talk about sex?
Why is it so hard for couples to talk about sex? Does it get any easier with age?
A year ago, I would have said that yes, with the experience, self-knowledge, and communications skills that come with age, it does get easier to talk about all intimate matters, including sex. That’s certainly true for me.
And yet, in the past year since my book came out, I’ve heard from dozens of readers or workshop attendees who tell me about the difficulties they have communicating their sexual needs, desires, and worries to their partners, either long-term or new.
What do you think? What reasons hold us back from communicating fully about sex to a partner? I’ll start the list, and I invite you to join in with your ideas.
1. We’re afraid of being judged. 2. We’re afraid that our partner will think that he or she is being judged. 3. Our upbringing rears its ugly head: we shouldn’t be feeling/ saying/ doing this. 4. We’re embarrassed about the changes in our sexual response due to aging and/or our medical challenges. 5. We’re afraid our partner will misunderstand or say no to our request. 6. We worry, “What if my partner does what I’m asking, and it still doesn’t work?” 7. We don’t know what to ask for, we just know something could be better.
Please comment on any of these that resonate with you, and feel free to add your own ideas. You can click on “comments” below, or email me with your comments.
Thanks for helping me figure this out!
Too soon to be intimate with new man after spouse dies?
Susan, age 65, sent me this email regarding intimacy after death of spouse, with permission to post it and respond here:
Joan, I found your website while browsing and really enjoyed it. I was widowed 5 months ago, and a friend of mine lost his wife shortly before my husband’s death. We had known each other casually for 20 years.
A social event brought us face to face about a month ago and we both have been smitten since that night. We are both young for our ages; both being 65, good physical condition and both exercise daily. I am experiencing a lot of guilt from wanting to see him after such a short span of time since my husband’s death. Although he has discussed me with his family and I with mine, I still have some guilt. I also, don’t hear the “approval” from other members of my family.
However, at our ages, how long is considered appropriate? I am also experiencing whether or not this could become a moral issue with me. He is a wonderful man, who cared for his wife, who was ill for many years, as I did for my husband.
He has expressed to me that he may be impotent. He had not had sexual relations with his wife for many years before her death, nor had I with my husband. I did, however, use a vibrator from time to time. Although I am 65, I certainly have been experiencing strong sexual feelings toward him.
I guess my questions to you are:
1) what is the appropriate time frame?
2) Is sex outside of marriage a moral and/or guilt issue?
3) How do I get rid of trying to please everyone else?
4) Should we pursue sexual intercourse or just “play around”?Thank you so much for your input and can’t wait to get your book!
Susan, thank you so much for writing and for sharing these feelings.
I can’t tell you what the appropriate time frame for sharing intimacy after the death of a spouse is for YOU. I’m not a therapist, but I’ve heard some therapists say that it’s good to wait a year, because people need to grieve, then rediscover and reclaim who they are alone before they’re ready to enter into a new relationship.
I’ve also heard from/about people who were caretakers of ill spouses and did much of their grieving while their spouses were alive. They then needed to reach out to someone who could bring joy and intimacy back into their lives.
I can’t say what’s “right” for you — only you can know that. If you’re questioning whether it’s too soon, that maybe that’s your own heart saying it is. If this relationship will be right for the two of you, it will be right if you wait a few more months, too.
Meanwhile, you can develop a friendship and enjoy each other’s company. But do learn to enjoy your own company, too — see who you are on your own in the world, what interests you’d like to pursue now.
Of course you still have sexual feelings — glory in that wonderful gift, and let your fantasies roam. When you and your friend come together in that intimate way, if you decide to, you’ll be good and ready for his tender touch.
You say your family hasn’t expressed approval of your new relationship. Realize that they are still grieving your husband, too. Respect their feelings, and if/when you decide to go ahead with this new relationship, perhaps it would be best not to tell them until and unless they ask, at least for a while.
As for sex outside of marriage, that’s completely your decision. I don’t know your beliefs or your religion, or whether these values might be changing at this time of your life. You might find it useful to consult a counselor to get your own values and needs in perspective.
Your friend told you that he might be impotent. Please suggest that he see a urologist and find out the cause, and whether any treatment is appropriate. If he is unable to have erections, you can still have loving, intimate sex in other ways. I have more information about that in my book “Sex After Grief“, in the chapter titled “When You or Your Partner Can’t.”
I’m sure that Susan would like to hear from others who have gone through this, and from others who have an opinion on when to have intimacy after the death of a spouse. I invite you to comment.
— Joan
How do you handle sex and dating?
You’re dating again, after years, maybe decades, away from the dating scene. How do you handle sex with a new person? Do you use/require condoms? Do you get tested for HIV and other STDs and request the same from your partner? What questions do you ask? In other words, what steps do you take to protect your sexual health?
When Robert and I started dating, we used condoms, talked openly about our previous experiences, and got tested. I don’t know if most people our age do that, or if they assume that they’re not at risk. I’d love to hear from you about this.
I wish I had included this topic in my book, and I may include it in a future magazine article. Please either post your comments here or email them to me, and I’ll post them for you.
Thanks —
Joan
10/21 update: Some very interesting comments have begun to appear on this topic — if they don’t display automatically for you below this post, click “comments” to view them. Please keep your comments coming!
A man asks about sex after prostate cancer
Billybob, 62, has written several times, always willing to share his thoughts and experiences to help both men and women talk more freely about the special challenges of sex after 60. In his case, these challenges include recovering from divorce, re-entering the dating scene, and living with prostate cancer. I just received this question from him:
Since my cancer treatments I still want sex but I have an erection problem that Viagra seems not to work to well. What would a lady think of me if I chose to use a strap on device? Or do you know of alternatives? And If I were to use a strap on how would I break or tell such an idea to a lady?
I wrote this to Billybob:
If you read the chapter of Better Than I Ever Expected titled “When You or Your Partner Can’t,” you’ll see that women are very happy with fingers, tongue, vibrator, and cuddling when their partner can’t have an erection. I don’t think many women would appreciate a strap-on device, though I suggest you talk about it ahead and let her know you’re willing if she’d like it. My suggestion: level with her about your situation as soon as the intimacy gets past kissing, and see what she’d like and — please! — also tell her what would make you feel satisfied. Let me know how this works for you.
What do the rest of you think?
I read two good books on this topic, which I mentioned in Better Than I Ever Expected and which you can order from Amazon by clicking on the links:
Intimacy with Impotence: the Couple’s Guide to Better Sex after Prostate Disease by Ralph & Barbara Alterowitz (Da Capo/ Lifelong Books, 2004). A frank, practical guidebook to satisfying, sensual intimacy whether or not the male partner can have erections. An array of self-help strategies, from communication and creativity to medical therapies.
Making Love Again: Hope for Couples Facing Loss of Sexual Intimacy by Virginia and Keith Laken (Ant Hill Press, 2002). Candid personal narrative by Keith Laken, prostate cancer survivor facing impotence, and his wife, including fears, arguments, resolutions, setbacks, and a new definition of intimacy.
— Joan