Man, 20, loves “slow burning flame” of late-40’s lover

I received a powerful email from Elliot, age 20, who is in a passionate relationship with a woman in her late forties. He writes:

My lover and I are very affectionate, very loving and ultimately very content with each other. Personally, I enjoy the pace, as I am not given a time limit on anything, much less anything sexual. I am given a reign of freedom that most men would divorce for, and my lover herself is so passionate yet so trusting and warm, and dare I say it, cuddly, that she presents the very thing that I have yearned for, yet never found in women my age!

This slow-burning flame I have the fortune to enjoy day after day is something I find much more cosy, more inviting, but finally something that can truly blaze with raw passion, rather than the all-consuming forest fires I seem to find so common in anyone my age. After all, I want to be warm, secure and loved, not burnt over and over again.

So what, in the above paragraph, involves some sort of magic age limit? Where does the question of age come into this? As I write this, I found myself needing to ask my lover what her age actually was, as we see it as something so inconsequential, something so trivial and ultimately so near enough to pointless that I don’t even try to remember it. If my wants and desires are met, does it matter if that person is anything between 18 and 65? Of course not. If I find the perfect lover, her age is practically meaningless..

I want a woman who I can cradle lovingly in my arms and read quietly to, so that she will dream a wonderous dream while she sleeps. I want a woman who can be so very vixen in her nature, but so very kitten in her love when she chooses either. I want a woman who is as intelligent as she is loving, with a quiet intensity, but most of all, with a love for being orally pleasured until she passes out after god only knows how long. Where, I ask you, can I find these qualities in a better way than choosing an older woman?

I honestly believe that I must have undergone some major task, some amazing feat in a previous life, to be rewarded with an almost perfect bliss day after day. No, I choose to keep my bliss close to my heart, rather than trying a younger girl, and honestly? When I masturbate when she is not with me, visions of younger girls don’t do it for me anymore. She’s the one flame I have eyes for.

Older Women, Younger Men: Let’s hear from the women, too

My most popular posts are the older women/younger men topics — most viewed, most comments and emails, and most frequently searched with phrases like “older woman young man sex” and “granny sex” (which I understand is not a pejorative term in other English-speaking countries, so I’ll get used to it!). Yet the comments and emails I receive are almost all from the younger men, not the older women who are involved with them. I’d love to hear from the women, too, about your experiences, your feelings at the time, and your perspective now. You can either comment here or email me with permission to post your comment.

Let me assure the women and men who write me that any identifying information will remain confidential, and of course you can comment directly anonymously or with a pseudonym.

Yes, I get requests from younger men begging me to hook them up with older women, but I don’t/won’t get into that. There are websites that specialize in older women/younger men, and I’d love to know which ones, if any, you’ve viewed and found dignified and not in any way predatory.

I’ll be including this topic in my new book. I’m still accepting interviews, so please contact me if you’re interested in receiving my questionnaire.

Personally, I used to date younger men almost exclusively right up until the time I met Robert when I was 57 and he was 64. (At 64 and 71, we just celebrated our second wedding anniversary!) Until Robert, I found younger men more open-minded and energetic, less set in their ways, and more appreciative of what an older woman had to offer. But this all got blown away when I fell in love with Robert and discovered the man I’d been looking for my whole life. An older man can offer all those qualities I used to seek in younger men, yet with the wisdom of experience and relationship skills.

This makes me think that a long life being single before settling down might be just right to let us experience the qualities of youth, the qualities of age, and any mixture that might entice us!

I’d love to hear from you!

Younger Men Who Desire Older Women

5/15/2008 update: I’m pulling this post up to the top again because of the intriguing comments that continue to come in. For example, be sure to read Mark’s second comment, where he says,

In every experience I have had, even those in which it was clear the woman was looking for little more than a boy toy, I always felt valued and well treated. I’m not sure that is always (or even usually) the case when a younger woman gets involved with an older man. Mature women, on the other hand, generally seem to take better care of everyone and everything around them, even their toys. It just seems to be part of their nature. Any thoughtfulness, respect and consideration that’s directed at them is responded to in kind.

I never thought of it this way, Mark. It’s true that when I was involved several times with much younger men as an older woman, I treated them with great affection and respect, and they treated me the same (except when they didn’t, but those are stories that belong somewhere else). I never, never saw them as “toys,” though I know some women do, but as wonderful human beings with whom it was my joy to share sensuality and intimacy.

Mark, I’ve discovered, has a blog of his own celebrating his relationships with older women.

Readers, if the comments don’t automatically display for you below this post, click “comments” and you’ll see them. And I hope you’ll post your own!

4/23/08 update: Since the January 2008 post reprinted below, I’ve continued to receive comments and emails from men who love older women. A few ask me to act as a matchmaker for hookups (sorry, that’s not my job, but I wish you luck), but most of the men who write earnestly wish to communicate how sexy they find older women. For example, Derek sent me this recent email:

I read your posts on older women/younger men, and granny sex, with great interest and wanted to commend you on them. I’m in my mid-thirties and for many years have been attracted to women much older than me. While I’ve had great relationships with women my age and younger, the most satisfying relationships have been with women many years my senior. I find the combination of worldliness, wisdom, sexual experience and a lush, mature body completely irresistable. I’ve been with a number of women in their 60s, some of whom have been older than my mother and/or have children older than me. My lover of several years is in her late 60s, and we continue to enjoy a wonderful relationship that, in addition to friendship and mutual support, includes regular 4-hour lovemaking sessions, fantasy weekends away, and the most potent physical chemistry I’ve known. It’s heavenly. Also, as you seem to be noticing this type of relationship, while very alternative, is being enjoyed by a LOT of people. I hope you give this topic more coverage on your blog.

My original January 2008 post follows here:

The questions and comments from young men who desire older women keep coming. They crave older women. They revere older women. And yes, they find older women incredibly sexy.

I’m not talking about age differences of five or ten years – I mean decades. Here are some samples from my email and from comments on my other blog posts:

  • I am 19 years old and love older women. They are much sexier than anything else I can imagine. It’s the feeling of that they have so much to teach you sexually. I have had sex with an older woman and would do it again in a heartbeat.
  • I’m male, 27, and just this Christmas had a brief encounter with a mature woman. It was wonderful. We met via internet dating, a good way to meet like-minded people, and she actually approached me first. It just so happens I like older women and she likes men around my age. We had an amazing day and later on she joined me at a hotel. It was like a fantasy come true. Amazing company, amazing sex too and a really warm and loving woman. She will turn 43 this month, and my goodness what a connection we had that day.
  • I am 26 and have no problem getting dates with women my age. I’m a young professional and have confidence in my abilities with women my age. However, I am incredibly attracted to older women. I find such beauty in maturity. I work in a professional environment where I am around professional older women all the time. I can’t help but fantasize about them. There is something about a woman who is well versed, educated, smart, and mature that drives me wild. Is this wrong? And if it’s not, do older women even take men my age seriously?
  • I wish I could find an older woman who doesn’t say I am too young to have sex with her. I am 21 by the way.
  • I am a 49-year-old single man, and I have always been fond of sex with older ladies. In all honesty they drive me wild. I have no interest in any ladies younger than me. Presently have a few senior neighbours…. jeez I only wish.

Some of the younger man who write tell me that their first sexual experience was with a much older woman, and they still treasure the experience

  • I lost my virginity to a woman who was 59 and it was brilliant. She was old enough to be my grandmother and I had known her since I was 5 or 6. I know many people will read this and think that I am making this up but I’m truly not. I loved having sex with her.
  • I have always been attracted to older women. I had short relationships with a 60-something-year-old woman when I was 15; a 40-ish woman when I was 19; and a woman in her late 30’s when I was 21. For me it was a way to have sex, enjoy sex, learn about sex, and experience the whole thing in a sincere, loving way, in a stress-free atmosphere. It was so nice to make love to someone who was calm, enjoyed the experience and could be trusted. A bonus for me was that my older lovers expressed being flattered at being desired by an attractive young man. It felt great to be in this princely or studly role. I’m now 50 and have been married 27 years to my best friend. I find her even more attractive as she gets older, and she likes this.
  • I’m 18. I just recently completed a life-long dream of having an older woman take my virginity and teaching me the ways. The only thing is it was a one-time deal but now I’m hooked on older women. I love their maturity and knowledge.

I often hear from single women who complain that men their age are seeking younger women and don’t seem to value what an older woman brings to a relationship, both in and out of bed. These comments from young men show an interesting flip of the coin, don’t you think? Of course I’m not recommending staking out the local teen center to get a date, but don’t rule out mature young men who express interest in you, if you feel interest and attraction, also.

I’m posting these comments today to invite more discussion from young men in this situation, older men remembering these experiences, and from women of all ages. I look forward to reading your thoughts.

(Note: On other blog posts on this subject , I discussed some of the questions these young men have, such as how to meet older women, talk to them, and read their signals.)

Looking for “Granny Sex”?

OK, I have to ask you — if you arrived at this site because you typed “granny sex” into your search engine, what were you hoping or expecting to find? I’m sincerely curious! Were you hoping to find an affirmation of older-age sexuality? (if so, you’re in the right place!) Or did you use those search words because you’re intrigued by what your grandmother might be doing behind closed doors? Or because you expect to get a giggle from a site that makes fun of elder sex? I’m just wondering… I hope you’ll comment!

If you’re wondering why I’m asking this, it turns out that many people arrive here because they searched “granny sex.” Far more of you search by “sexy seniors” or “senior sex” or “sex after sixty,” and that makes sense. But this “granny sex” idea puzzles me, and I hope you’ll respond! (You can either click “comments” below or email me, your choice.

2/6/08 update: As readers continue to use “granny sex” in emails to me and comments on this blog, as well as the search words that bring you here, I’ve come to understand that the term is not meant disrespectfully. In fact, a few of you have written me using “granny sex” quite lovingly. Is this term used outside the US more commonly than it is here, I wonder…?