Posts Tagged ‘sex toys’
Marty Klein on Alabama anti-sex-toy law
Alabama has declared war on sex toys, and whether or not we live in that state, we need to heed the warning that our sexual rights are under attack. Dr. Marty Klein, author of America’s War On Sex: The Attack on Law, Lust & Liberty, recently wrote a powerful article about this issue. I asked his permission to excerpt it here:
Supreme Court Silences Alabama’s Vibrators
The U.S.Supreme Court has declined to review the Alabama law criminalizing the sale of sex toys.
For nine years, the law has been in and out of District, Appeals, and Federal courts (issues 9, 33, 39). The ACLU had asked the Supreme Court to review Alabama’s right to control products perceived to threaten the moral health of their users and the public. Six states currently have various restrictions on sex toys.
Alabama controls the sale of sex toys because the legislature believes they promote a “prurient interest in autonomous sex” through “the pursuit of orgasms by artificial means.” Actually, I totally agree with that. But where legislatures and courts may find this dangerous, I find it life-affirming, healthy, and good clean fun.
In fact, it raises an interesting question–how do we define “artificial” and “non-artificial” orgasms? Penis = natural, while fingers = artificial? Non-intercourse sex was criminalized in America for over a century precisely because it was considered “unnatural.” That’s why the right to sodomy is such a big deal, whether you do it or not-because it overturns the paradigm that divides sexual behavior into “natural” and “unnatural.” The problem isn’t that the wrong things are put into these categories–it’s that the categories exist.
The Alabama law allows people to buy sexual devices with a “bona fide medical purpose.” If we wish, we could list the medical benefits of virtually every sex toy:
* Dildo: strengthens pelvic floor muscles, especially after childbirth
* Butt plug: helps men ejaculate, increasing fertility
* Cock ring: helps men last longer, facilitating intercourse, increasing fertility
* Vibrator: helps prevent atrophy of vaginal tissue after hysterectomy or menopause; also reduces menstrual crampsBut why should we have to do this? It’s demeaning to pretend that sex toys are like flu shots, dental floss or laxatives–of interest only to promote our health, and used grudgingly at best.
In Alabama, you can buy a gun but not a vibrator. Why do they feel the second is more dangerous than the first?
We can laugh, but this extraordinary erosion of personal liberty, coupled with the massive disrespect and fear of sexuality, is no joke. We really are living through a War On Sex. The Supreme Court has declared our orgasms a battlefield, and sex toys are another casualty.
Dr. Marty Klein is a licensed marriage counselor, certified sex therapist, and author of America’s War On Sex: The Attack on Law, Lust & Liberty. Visit his Sexual Intelligence blog.
Tom, 55, “My wife had her first orgasm in six years”
Tom, age 55, wrote me a beautiful account of how he and his wife rediscovered their intimacy and sexual pleasure after a combination of health issues and medications left his wife unable to have orgasms. She was taking blood pressure medicine and antidepressants, and had stopped hormone replacement therapy. Tom had his own health issues, including low metabolism and testosterone levels. Combined with his wife’s lack of lubrication, decreased sensation, and anxiety, “our sex life seemed to be drying up.”
We slowly reached the point where we decided we needed to fix the situation. We started taking more time in our lovemaking and trying different lubricants, and that did work much better for us. I also bought your book Better Than I ever Expected, and it has been very helpful.
However, I found that when we had romantic weekends, I would occasionally have problems maintaining my erection. That had never happened before and was really stressful, so I now use Levitra to have confidence that I can be erect. The effects of Levitra seem to linger, so I don’t feel like I need to take it right before lovemaking. I can take it anywhere from one to 12 hours ahead of time and it still works for me.
Unfortunately, no amount of foreplay, oral or manual stimulation was able to bring about an orgasm in my wife. This was really frustrating to me, since I felt that our lovemaking was too one-sided. I think it maybe bothered me more than my wife. In the past, I was very good at knowing her body and her response and I could bring about very nice orgasms by a combination of oral and manual massaging.
So, after reading your book, and doing some additional reading and research, I spent $225 on an Eroscillator. We had never experimented with sex toys, so I wanted to get something that looked like it would be effective, and this seemed to have the recommendations and documentation to back it up.
What a difference! The first time we tried it, we spent some time together getting warmed up, and I used the soft fingertip attachment on her. My wife had her first orgasm in six years within just a few minutes, and she cried in my arms afterwards. This has made a huge difference in our lovemaking, and my wife now has very strong orgasms.
We are still trying to figure out the best way to work it into our lovemaking, we had never used any vibrators or sex toys before. I love it because I now can be sure that I can please her, and I want her to be able to come first. I like it because it is nearly silent, and very effective.
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| “soft fingertip” |
Thank you, Tom, for your candor and for the details that will help other people in the same situation. As you know, I’ve been a fan of the Eroscillator (the soft fingertip attachment is my favorite, too!), and I found my own eyes starting to water when I read about your wife crying in your arms after her first orgasm in six years. As for how to work it into your lovemaking, the woman can hold it and use it for clitoral stimulation while her partner is caressing and arousing her manually, and she can also use it during intercourse, depending on the position.
“What would you tell others in your situation?” I asked Tom.
I would just tell others that there are ways to make things better. Talking with doctors and counselors can help, but I think that the familiarity of their doctors with sexual issues may be lacking, so specialists may be needed. I do know from personal experience how difficult it is to go to a doctor and ask for help on sexual matters. Requesting a prescription for Levitra was a very tough thing to do, so I can imagine that talking about more difficult issues can be very hard.
Fortunately, with some effort, the Internet can be a good source for information. That is where I learned about your book and blog, and I also picked up Dr. Ruth’s book. I also used it to search for different lubricants to try and learn about the Eroscillator. Especially for people who are not in a major city the Internet is a great tool.
Does Your Doctor Talk to You about Older-Age Sexuality?
Have you ever consulted your doctor about your changing sexual responsiveness or about reclaiming your sexuality when you have a medical condition that makes sex more difficult?
What happened when you asked your doctor for advice about sex? How did he or she respond? Did you get the information you needed? And for the benefit of the medical professionals reading this — how would you have liked your doctor to respond to questions about sex? What advice would you give professionals about how and when to talk to their older patients about their sexuality?
I am planning to write a magazine article about this topic, so please feel free to comment here or email me and let me know if you’d be willing to be interviewed.
As background, I wrote the post that follows in March 2006, and I’d like to revive it now that I have many more readers. I invite your comments.
[post originally dated 3/29/06:]
I’ve been speaking to groups in the midwest and the San Francisco Bay Area, and corresponding with readers who send me emails. Over and over, this comment comes up: older-age sexuality is a huge gap in the education of medical professionals.
I keep meeting doctors, nurses, therapists, and alternative practitioners who are hungry for information for their patients and clients — and often for themselves. One woman’s eyes got teary when she said, “I’ve been so lonely wishing I could talk to someone about this.”
I’ve heard from women who have read my book and ask, “Why didn’t my doctor ever tell me that I have to ‘use it or lose it’?” These are usually older women who are not in relationships right now and didn’t realize the importance of internal massage, regular orgasms, and Kegels to keep their vaginas tuned up and healthy, or penetation in the future might be painful. (For more information about what to do, read Vaginal Rejuvenation & Health from A Woman’s Touch, a wonderful sexuality resource center which I had the pleasure of visiting in Madison and Milwaukee.)
I’m also talking to many women over sixty who didn’t know that lubricants and sex toys can enhance their sexual pleasure — solo or with a partner — by heightening arousal and speeding up orgasm. They thought that slow arousal and difficulty reaching orgasm were a part of aging that they had to accept. I’m distressed that many doctors tell women this — often without running tests to see whether hormone levels or other conditions which may be treated might be affecting sexual response.
I’m not dumping on doctors, just on their training. I’ve been thrilled by the response of medical professionals to my book. One Santa Rosa, CA gynecologist bought 14 copies of my book for her patients — and then, after she had given them all away, she bought 10 more!
Several readers have written in about their medical challenges since this post originally appeared. To read more on this topic, check on “medical attitudes towards sex and aging” or “cancer” in the “labels” column to the right, and you’ll see other related posts.
Peter: “We don’t need vibrators; we need lovers”
I love it when readers post comments here, or write me emails with their thoughts. Sometimes what they tell me is so provocative that I ask their permission to excerpt their email here, as I’ve done here. Peter, who attracted big reactions from his previous email about women not on HRT not wanting sex, has written this time out of concern that women are reaching for their vibrators instead of seeking out a lover. He writes:
I have noticed a trend that leaves me feeling a little sad, and yes, this is a criticism. The last response to what I wrote was advice from someone about a vibrator. I know the recipient was in her seventies and was a good target for that sort of advice, but it followed a pattern. I’ve felt a little unsettled at the preponderance of this.
I’d like to think we are all enlightened enough to not feel shame at admitting we get ourselves off more than we get off on someone else. So do we really need another tool to do this? I’m no square by any means, but I think porn is sad. And is that vibrator you recommend really the perfect lover?
We don’t need vibrators; we need lovers. The problem is not orgasm; the problem is a loving connection. We are all social beings. We all suffer from the torture of social isolation, even those with spouses.
We need to break down the barriers that keep us from each other.
I need to clarify something — much as I love and recommend sex toys for enhancing arousal, particularly when declining hormones make orgasm more difficult, I have never called a vibrator a “perfect lover”! I don’t call it a lover at all. I would never trade the intimacy of a lover’s touch for any amount of electric buzzing!
But realize this, also — many women my age — especially in more sexually conservative geographical areas — don’t know that sex-toy-assisted stimulation might bring back the response that they can’t recapture on their own, with or without a lover. That’s a separate issue from what you’re saying, Peter, but I think it’s important to include it.
Do we need ardent, sensitive lovers more than sex toys? Oh yes. Do we all have ardent, sensitive lovers? From what my readers tell me, unfortunately, no.
When I read comments and emails from both women and men who wish for a loving partner, I wish I could hold a mixer of my single readers!