A reader who calls herself “Hot Momma Frigid Lover” posted a comment on another post which contained a point that was so important that I decided to comment on it here. Here are excerpts from her comment:
… I have never had that much pleasure in sex… My husband, on the other hand, has had a very healthy sexual drive and I had a mother who taught me to be sensitive to that drive and take care of his needs. So…well…we have had a good marriage for 32 years.
… I am starting to resent his advances a little more. Not that I don’t want to give him pleasure any more but that he does so little to actually ‘earn’ it. He has always gone for my breasts as an ‘invitation’ to give him some sexual attention. Since I prefer sleep over sex, grabbing at my breasts is a rude awakening and definitely does not awaken any sexual desire.
I think I know what might help him to arouse me in a more romantic way but how can I tell this man (that I love so much) that he just doesn’t turn me on!
Here is what I wish he could learn from someone or somewhere else. If I am asleep (or if he thinks I am …lots of times I am pretending hoping he will arouse me awake)…I would love a good back massage. Some kisses on the back of my neck, some full body hugs (that don’t include his hand on any part of my sexual annatomy)some physical contact that says “I love you” before it says “I need sex”. In fact I wouldn’t mind hearing the words “I love you” that can be very inviting.
How can I help him to ‘learn’ this stuff without me having to teach him. Most of the information I have found is for help with sex itself … I am not interested in sexual pleasure…I just want a little physical love and attention before I give him the “sex” he needs.
I implore you, please talk to your husband about what would turn you on or at least make you feel receptive to sexual intimacy. Surely he would LOVE to know this! Instead of asking how to tell him that he doesn’t turn you on (that would be devastating to hear), why not tell him what you DO want from him?
If that seems really difficult to you, start by requesting the back massage, and let that turn into sexual intimacy if it feels right. Then, when you’re in a neutral situation (walking in the park, or sitting over coffee, not in bed), try saying to him, “It really makes me feel relaxed and loved when you give me a back massage/kiss me/ hug me for no reason. I love it when you do that.”
He needs to hear from you what you like and want from him, because he’s certainly getting the message that you’re not enjoying his sexual advances. Give him the opportunity to please you and show you his love.
I invite other readers to talk about what has worked to open communication in your relationships.