Why Don’t They Ask Us?

I’m sure you’ve seen news stories that announce how often seniors are having sex or how much we enjoy the sex we’re having. A problem I have with many of the studies about sex and aging is that they often don’t define “having sex.”

Does “having sex” mean partnered sex only? (Solo sex is real sex!) Heterosexual intercourse only? Orgasms? Are they asking whether we’re having the same kind of sex we used to? What if we’re enjoying new ways of having sex?

If we give a partner an orgasm and the partner gives us an orgasm, but there’s no PIV (penis in vagina), did we have sex? I say yes. If we haven’t had partner sex for a year but we give ourselves weekly orgasms with our favorite vibrator, are we sexually active? I say yes.

I don’t think we know much about what kind of sex seniors are having, once we broaden the definition of what sex is. My definition: Sex is any activity, solo or partnered, that gives us sexual pleasure, arousal, orgasm — and maybe, but not always, all three. Does that cover the kind of sex you’re having? Help me finesse this definition.

Let’s discuss this. How would you define sex at our age? And how has your definition of sex changed over the decades? If you’re willing to share your definition, or you have a comment on this topic, I invite you to post to the comments section. Your turn!


  1. Anonymous on June 20, 2017 at 11:10 am

    I'd generally agree, as a male (68) however, solo masturbation is more a therapeutic necessity than sexually pleasuring ones self. Lack of PIV sexual intimacy is mentality frustrating and can not be satisfied by solo "sex".

  2. ZakiyaRox on June 20, 2017 at 9:42 am

    I turned sixty-one this January. I continue to be my best,most frequent lover-bringing myself to climax with my good, right hand three or more times each and every week.
    However, after no penetrative sex with a lover for two years, in December I started seeing a fifty year old man. We treat ourselves to a hotel weekend one-three times a month.
    Wonderful! My vagina is healthier,today. I was so dry initially. I'd had a total hysterectomy in'99 and was terrified of IHT. We used a lot of lube. My vaginal tissue was atrophying-quickly. I could hardly climax from his tender ministrations nor my own.

    In April, I bought over the counter HRT creams.

    We didn't need lube this weekend, the one time we engaged in penetrative sex. My vagina has plumped up a good bit. My clitoris once again stands up and peeks out from her hood. My lover and I are enjoying "life on life's terms." Senior sex indeed!

  3. Pekemom on June 19, 2017 at 10:44 pm

    I agree that solo sex is legitimate, as the goal is self pleasure, nurturing myself for self confidence as well as having orgasms. This helps keep the genital tissues strong as well as increasing circulation. I learned this late in life, thanks to your books as well as others. Also counselling and pelvic floor therapy broadened my knowledge and pleasure.

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