Posts by Joan Price
62-year-old Woman Seeks Man for Sex
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| Lucy, age 62 |
Lucy, a 62-year-old woman from Santa Fe, NM, wrote to me:
Joan—I’m bisexual and have always loved sex with men. Unfortunately as I age, I find men in my age group don’t have much interest in getting right to sex — they just want to “date”—interminably.
If there were just places where a woman could safely buy a man’s time, tell him what she wants, and then complete the transaction I would totally do that. I did find Cowboys4Angels, which advertises “Straight Male Escorts For Women,” but the closest one is in Las Vegas.
Am I crazy? Why is it men can buy sex anywhere but women have to “date”? And yeah, I know I’m old, but I’ve been asking this question for decades. I don’t want the man, I want the fucking (and I swear this is a legit letter). Please answer.
I went first to my colleagues and followers on my Naked at Our Age Facebook page, where I can always count on a community willing to share knowledge, opinions, and experiences. Here are some of their suggestions:
One reader wrote, “I’ve heard men from Rentboy.com — which is a gay male service — say they either happily take female customers already, or they would be happy to take female customers.”
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| Sabrina Morgan |
Sabrina Morgan, sex and dating coach and sex workers’ rights advocate, agrees. “Contacting a guy on Rentboy.com and asking if he’s comfortable with female clients is a great first step, as is looking for straight male escort directories. There’s ConciergeDuMonde.com, which has several reputable independents.”
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| Hercules Liotard |
How do you find an escort? “If you do a web search for ‘straight male escorts’ or (although I hate the term) ‘gigolos’ and the closest large city, you will get various agencies and independent providers that will come up in your area,” suggests Hercules Liotard, The Pleasure Coach.
You said you wanted full-on partner sex, but if you or other readers would enjoy an erotic, intimate massage (highly recommended, as you’ll read in Naked at Our Age!), check out providers like Hercules, who is based in Los Angeles. Search “intimate massage” and your city to find a provider near you.
Whether you’re hiring an intimate massage practitioner or an escort, Hercules has this advice about safety:
The number one key factor for women who hire men for sex is the trust factor. Is this person safe? When talking with the women I work with, this comes up almost every time in the conversation. They chose me because my site was inviting and interesting. I answered their questions and concerns in advance and did not try to rush them into an appointment. I had reviews and a good standing in the community, and that all made them feel safe.
So I would say that any woman should look for these same qualities when contacting anyone. Shop around!
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| Pamela Madsen |
Pamela Madsen, Sex and Intimacy Coach and Co-Director of Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women, shared these thoughts:
Many women work with Sacred Intimates, Escorts or Sexological Body Workers. It’s not so underground anymore! The rules for sexual interaction change from man to man and practice to practice. Sexological Body workers can provide an amazing experience for women who want to experience one-way touch in a very safe environment with boundaries. Women who are looking for two-way touch experiences such as intercourse and oral sex would be better served by working with a Sacred Intimate or an Escort.
No matter who a woman chooses to work with, it’s important for her to find out the practitioner’s boundaries, STD status, and get references — as well as find out about pricing ahead of time. Many female sex coaches, like myself, work with men who work erotically with women, and can provide direction and referrals.
Do you have to hire someone if you want a sexual encounter? No. You can find casual sex online with like-minded partners without hiring a professional. Craigslist has a personals ads category titled “Casual Encounters.” (Yes, there’s a Sante Fe section, Lucy.) Some of the ads are pretty raunchy, others are straightforward (“looking for…”), and some are quite plaintive (“not much sex from my partner no matter how much energy I put out”). You can search by age if you wish.
Personally, I’d feel nervous and vulnerable using Craigslist for a casual encounter, because you don’t know anything about the person placing the ad, but clearly most people do get the results they want, or it wouldn’t be as popular as it is. Do I sound unnecessarily cautious, readers?
Sometimes approaching a man whom you meet in your daily life can lead to an interesting and satisfying connection. Seth, a man of our age, emailed me to share his experience:
My casual sex partner is a lady who walked up to me while eating dinner at a restaurant and asked if I could give her a ride home. Wonderful conversation, and when I dropped her off, she asked if I wanted to come in. Conversation continued, and when I got up to leave, she asked if I would like to stay. I did.
We have both continued our connection. It’s very straightforward. She calls and asks if I would like some loving. There are times I’ll say no. Both of our needs get met. We don’t discuss our connection with anyone. So delightful to walk in with sex on both of our minds. Clothes come flying off. We both enjoy our sexuality. Then we both go back to running our businesses.
What didn’t work is a woman who sat down next to me and started a conversation that made it clear she was hitting on me. “Gigolo?” she asked. That felt strange to me and I didn’t pursue that line of conversation.
A reader who wishes to remain unnamed recommends AdultFriendFinder.com,a huge sex site with 55 million members that aims to help you find “worldwide sex dates, adult matches, hookups and fuck friends.” My reader says,
I was 61 when I started “playing” with AdultFriendFinder. But, of course, you have to be very good at vetting the men who e-mail you. If you do a good job of vetting, you will find that there are a lot of very nice men on there who want to give a woman pleasure, as well as getting their own pleasure, with no strings attached.
Also, you can find no strings attached sex on some of the free regular dating sites, such as Plenty of Fish and OKCupid. One of the interesting things is that there are so many younger men who are looking for older women. On POF, I found a 31-year-old with whom I had a 4-month dalliance, until he found a woman he wanted to marry, then he broke it off with me. He was very sweet.
I asked several of the younger men who e-mailed me why they were interested in a woman who is so much older than they are. They all gave pretty much the same reasons: “Older women don’t play games. Older women know how to please a man. Older women are comfortable in their bodies.” Yup, we are hot stuff!
“Hot stuff” indeed! Let us know how your quest turns out, Lucy!
I welcome your comments, but I do not permit solicitation or attempts to draw my readers to sites for porn, escorts, or any retail sites I have not vetted. If you wish to advertise on this blog to reach our sex-positive seniors, email me. Don’t try to submit a comment aiming to get free advertising for a site I haven’t approved. It won’t work, and it makes me extremely cranky.
“Warm apple pie”: wisdom from Paul Joannides, AASECT 2014 (part 1)
What do you imagine happens when a professional organization of sex therapists, educators, researchers, and professors spend a weekend together in Monterey, California? That’s right – they talk about sex, learn about the latest sex research, listen to presentations by masters in the field, network and share resources, and take copious notes.
I had the pleasure of being among them at the annual conference of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), June 5-8, 2014. (This is the organization that gave Naked At Our Age the 2012 Book Award!) The weekend was packed with information.
One of my favorite presentations was a spirited and savvy slide-show illustrated talk by Paul Joannides, Psy.D, author of the excellent self-help guide for young people, Guide to Getting It On! A Book About the Wonders of Sex. His presentation — usually given to college students — was entitled “I Wish My Clitoris Was Bigger, So My Boyfriend Could Find It.”
The title is, of course, ironic. Young people exploring sex may have heard that the clitoris has thousands of nerve endings, but they (and we?) have little understanding of the structure of the clitoris. It’s not just the little nubbin that’s erect and usually visible when aroused.
The bigger issue, of course, is how, when, and where to give the clitoris the attention it needs. Since every clitoris owner gets pleasure in a different way, it’s up to her to discover what works for her and convey it to her confused but willing partner.
- “No matter how many women you’ve been with, the first time you’re between the legs of a new woman, it feels like warm apple pie.”
- “He thinks, ‘I have no idea what I’m doing.’ She thinks, ‘I can’t tell him because he’s a guy and he’s supposed to know.’”
- “Even the best partners are clueless about your amazing vagina. It’s your job to teach him and his job to learn.”
- “85% of the women who have orgasms during intercourse need a clitoral assist, not through thrusting alone.”
- “The single most damaging aspect of porn is the expectation that the guy is supposed to automatically know how to please a partner. That’s a toxic idea.”
- “Because she’s having intercourse [in porn], and that part’s real, you forget that she’s faking the pleasure.
- “For some reason, porn actors do not have a gag reflex. That must be what they go to porn school for.”
- “When it comes to sex, we’re always a work in progress. We’re changing from the day we’re born until we’re really old.”
10 Tips for Hot Solo Senior Sex
Senior sex isn’t just partner sex. Many of us don’t have partners, yet keeping our sexual selves vibrant and health is crucial for many reasons. It’s true that if we don’t use it, we lose it — and that’s true for both women and men.When we have less hormonal rush to stay sexual, especially if we’re without a partner and maybe blue about that, we can fall into a pattern where we don’t think as much about sexual pleasure, and we don’t give it to ourselves. Arousal and orgasms may feel second-rate and inconsequential, and sometimes just too much trouble.
Instead, let’s see our marvelous bodies as still capable of pleasure, and let’s nurture that. We have the capacity — and the responsibility! — to keep ourselves fully functioning by pleasuring ourselves, discovering what feels good (it may have changed, so don’t assume that of course you know) and what it takes to make our brains and body parts sing. Let’s celebrate that we don’t have to close down just because we’re older and partnerless. Indeed, let’s enjoy what we can offer ourselves.
Here are some tips for bringing the sizzle back to your sex life — on your own!
2. Enjoy solo sex during high energy times. When do you feel most sexually charged? When you first wake up? After morning coffee and a good poop? Mid-afternoon? That’s when to indulge in a solitary romp, rather than after a meal when you’re digesting or at night when your sensations are shutting down. When you feel the tingle, indulge it!
3. Create your own foreplay. Do sexy things that get you in the mood. Remember hot times with a special lover. Read erotica, play special songs, watch porn (or, if you prefer, a movie with a star who always turns you on), write sexy thoughts in your journal, take a waterproof vibrator into the bath or shower — whatever starts your path to arousal. Appreciate, decorate, and celebrate your body with lingerie, silk, velvet, massage oil, candlelight–whatever feels good and puts you in the mood.
4. Use a silky lubricant. Don’t just settle for the drugstore variety — there are many different varieties of lubricants for moisture and slickness that feel great and bring back the joy of friction, whether we’re using our hands or a toy. Experiment to find your favorites. Keep the lube within reach so you can reapply frequently.
5. Explore sex toys and other erotic helpers. Our hormonally challenged bodies may need extra help to reach orgasm these days, and our wrists may tire before we reach our goal. Women: try a clitoral vibrator, with or without a dildo, depending whether you like the feeling of a full vagina. (Read the many vibrator reviews on this blog to help you choose.) Men: try a sleeve, cock ring, or prostate stimulator. Lucky for us that sex toys for both genders are easy to find, fun to try, and wow, do they work!
6. Fantasize. Let yourself explore fantasy scenes and partners, no limits. Let your brain (your main sex organ!) indulge in whatever arouses you. Be open to whatever comes into your mind, even if it is something you would not do in real life or with someone you consider off limits. No fantasy is “wrong,” and no one has to know what images or scenarios turn you on. Just go with it.
7. Be physical in daily life. Walking, biking, dancing, yoga, Pilates, lifting weights, and other forms of exercise all enhance blood flow and get you in touch with your own physicality. This translates to your sexual arousal because the blood flows to your genitals as well as to your muscles, making arousal easier and faster. Plus you mentally feel “in your body.”
8. Realize that your solo practice not only gives you pleasure, it’s important for health. Experts recommend at least one orgasm a week for both men and women for genital health and for heart health as well. Weekly orgasms keep the pelvic floor strong and the nerves firing, boost the immune system, and reduce the risk of incontinence, depression, and heart disease. Men – regular orgasms are important for prostate health.
9. If you think you’re not in the mood, do it anyway. It’s too easy to put solo sex on the back burner, and once we’re out of the habit, it’s harder to get revved up again. This is especially true at our age, when our hormones are no longer screaming for release. So reread tips #1-8, and just do it. You’ll find that the physical arousal will happen, that that will trigger your emotional arousal, and that triggers more physical arousal, until it’s all working just right.
10. Don’t think of solo sex as “settling for” a substitute for partner sex. You’re celebrating your own sexuality, glorying in your body’s capability of pleasing you, and enjoying the journey. This is a gift you can give yourself whenever you want, and isn’t that wonderful?
(These tips are copyright 2010-2011 by Joan Price and may not be reprinted without permission from Joan Price. Thank you!)
Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex is available from www.joanprice.com (personally autographed) — be sure to let me know to whom to autograph it — and by clicking the PayPal button below…
May: Senior Sex Month + Masturbation month!
What a lovely coincidence! May is “International Masturbation Month,” according to Good Vibrations. It’s also “Senior Sex Month,” thanks to Senior Planet, the senior site that advocates “aging with attitude” and is launching my new “Sex at Our Age” column this month. In this column, I’ll answer reader questions about the realities and challenges of staying sexual in aging bodies.I love that International Masturbation Month and Senior Sex Month happen at the same time. I propose that we combine the two! We’re not all fortunate enough to be partnered at this time of our lives, and many of us who are in relationships are not having sex with our partners as much as we’d enjoy. Pleasuring ourselves is a way we can stay vigorously sexual, give ourselves wonderful jolts of joy, and enhance our health simultaneously.
Oh? You doubt that solo sex enhances health? Here are just a few of the benefits of sexual activity and orgasm with or without a partner that I list in The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life, coming soon from Cleis Press:
• Reduces stress
• Enhances mood
• Strengthens the immune system
• Helps fight infection and disease
• Lowers diastolic blood pressure
• Keeps sex organs healthy
• Improves blood flow
• Helps with sleep
• Relieves headaches and other body aches
• Relieves depression
• Reduces risk of heart disease
• Reduces risk of prostate cancer
• Relieves chronic pain
• Increases blood flow to the brain, increasing mental acuity
• Makes your skin glow
• Relaxes you
• Makes you happier
• Feels really good
Reasons not to self-pleasure? Hmm… Can’t think of any.
And if you need an assist, check out the many dozens of sex toys I’ve reviewed from a senior perspective here — keep scrolling down to “older posts” because there are about a hundred reviews. (Don’t worry, you won’t end up with a list of 100 toys to buy — some of the products are horrid and you’ll just laugh at those reviews. But the wonderful ones? Ah, your body will thank you for adding these to your sexual repertoire!)
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| My current fave, Palm Power |
