Posts by Joan Price
Valentine’s Day 2013
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| (Robert can’t stop laughing after pulling my hat down) |
For Valentine’s Day this year (2013), I’m re-publishing the post I wrote in 2011, updating it slightly.
I always loved Valentine’s Day with Robert. We bought each other gifts, professed our love for each other emphatically and often poetically. We spent the afternoon making love, glorying in the magic of the powerful passion we felt for each other. We would love each other for hours — a candle lighted even in the bright light of afternoon, the bedroom door closed though we were alone in the house. I can still feel the touch of his skin, the sweet pressure of his lips. I hear the love words he muttered.
Dancing was always a part of our self-expression and love expression. One of “our songs” was Anne Murray’s “Could I Have This Dance?”
Could I have this dance
for the rest of my life?
Would you be my partner
Every night?
When we’re together,
It feels so right.
Could I have this dance
for the rest of my life?
Every Valentine’s Day and birthday — and sometimes New Year’s Eve, too! — he danced for me: a special dance he had created just to please and entice me. He practiced for days in private, choosing the music, the choreography, and the costume that he would shed slowly and sensuously as part of his dance.
2013: This is my fifth Valentine’s Day without Robert. It wasn’t until the third one that I was able to remember his special dances without crying. What beautiful gifts he gave me throughout our seven years together. What beautiful gifts he gives me still, as I remember him.
For all of you who have a special loved one on this Valentine’s Day, glory in what you share. Never take for granted that “the rest of my life” means anything more than “this moment right now.”
For all of us who are unpartnered on this Valentine’s Day, let’s glory in the love we know how to give, and let’s give it to ourselves and the people in our lives today. Let’s do something special that nurtures us and delights us. Let’s make someone else feel special. Let’s celebrate our capacity to feel joy. The more love we give, the more we have within us.
On this 2013 update, a good friend is just home from the hospital after suffering a heart attack. “I died three times,” he told me — that’s how often they had to re-start his heart. We need to make a special point always of letting the people we love know that we love them. We never know how much time we have.
Whether or not you have a lover right now, you do have people in your life who make your life better just by being in it. On Valentine’s Day or any day, tell them how you feel.
Tenga Flip Hole and 3-D Sculpted Ecstasy: Sex Toys for Men
Tenga Flip Hole and 3-D Sculpted Ecstasy: Sex Toys for Men
Guest post by David Pittle, Ph.D.
While most of the male masturbation market has churned out artificial vaginas, Tenga’s Flip Hole is a real improvement.
The Flip Hole is designed to open up completely. This allows you to lay your penis down on one side, then close it up for use. Or you can close it with the clip and enter the hole.
The vacuum pump formed by the material is controlled by the buttons to create a squeezing pleasure. The wing gate has big ribs midway in to grip and hold you. The side ribs add side stimulation for maximum feel. The lip flat provides a good grip upon insertion, while the shield flap helps to keep lubricants inside.
Built with the same foam material as the Tenga Egg, which I previously reviewed, the Tenga 3-D Sculpted Ecstasy comes in five textures. The photo shows (left to right) the Pile, Module, Spiral, Polygon, and Zen (an interesting undulating series of shallow spirals).Each comes in a package with the texture side out and on a mounting stand. For use, we take it off the stand, a dowel that goes up the middle, and turn it inside-out. (Actually it comes inside-out, so we turn it “inside-in.” See the photo where the Module texture is partially turned.With the exception of the Zen, I found all the textures pleasant and virtually indistinguishable. The Zen had a softer and gentler effect—but the difference was not extreme. Of course, you might have a different preference.
David M. Pittle, Ph.D., is a therapist in San Rafael, CA, who has been helping people with sexual issues for over thirty years. Many of his clients are age 50-80, when good sex is important, and dissatisfaction may lead to loss of shared intimacy that can threaten the total relationship. David specializes in helping women who are not experiencing sexual satisfaction and men with non-medical and medically-related erectile dysfunction or other issues. Visit his website here.
Practically Sexless Marriage? Laurie Watson Advises
“Brad” wrote to me because he and his wife “Angie” are in a practically sexless marriage. I consulted AASECT-certified sex therapist Laurie Watson, author of Wanting Sex Again: How to Rediscover Your Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage, to offer some advice. Obviously the couple’s problems are too complex to solve with one blog post, but I hope that Laurie Watson’s advice and, her book can help Brad and Angie take the first steps towards developing a sexually vibrant relationship.
other hand, have offered and made myself available to her sexually. Despite being willing to attend to her needs, she has rarely reciprocated that willingness. 95% of my sexual release throughout my sexual history has come from masturbation.
small house for financial reasons.) When I ask how I could help resolve these issues or make suggestions for solutions, she generally discounts them or said she’s at a loss about what to do.
depressed, too. We’ve always struggled financially. I lost my job during the recent recession and was out of work for over a year. I am now working full-time but my wages are substantially lower.
I want to turn things around, if it’s not too late. I feel as if I’m running out of time. How do I go about improving the passion and sensuality between us? I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that the only person I can work on is me. I cannot offer advice or solutions where it will not be wanted or accepted.
In marriage, often one spouse is the pursuer, easily expressing needs, wishing for closeness, attention, and sex. The other spouse becomes a distancer, wishing for more space. Distancers often feel smothered by pursuers, who, in turn, feel starved by distancers. It can become a tug-of-war. Sexually, it can feel desperate. Examining the ways you have balanced closeness and distance might start to change things between you.
You both had an enjoyable sexual experience in a hotel, away from home, boomerang adult kids, bills, and the endless call of things to do. I congratulate you on finding a formula for great sex. As often as you can afford it, schedule a hotel rendezvous and indulge in relaxing, satisfying sex.
You’d like Angie to initiate sex and show that she desires you. Like many women, she may be more receptive, willing to be convinced, but not to initiate. Your wife may need your male energy and urgency to get her started.
Yet now more than ever, you need the reassurance that you are virile and desired after prostate cancer. How to do this without crowding the space between you and making her back up?
Try being a great seducer! The hotel adventure probably worked because you initiated a creative space for relaxation, intimacy, and sex. The chase and seduction are a good part of the turn-on. Often a woman’s craving for sex doesn’t kick in until about halfway through the experience. Then suddenly her aroused body says, “Yes, I do want sex!”
Men shouldn’t be responsible for all the work on the sexual relationship, though. Women can prompt themselves with fantasies, anticipation, and memories of exciting past love-making sessions, coming to bed mentally primed for arousal.
Prostate cancer brings its own set of challenges. Luckily, you still have desire and you still have some erectile ability. The sooner men start on penile rehabilitation post-surgery, the better their eventual outcome. Your deep pelvic pain, more common immediately post-surgery, absolutely necessitates a visit to the doctor to rule out infection, inflammation, kidney problems, and nerve damage. You may also need treatment from a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic pain.
Culturally, men are conditioned that they are good lovers if they have big, strong erections. But most women do not experience climax through penetration – only 15-20% ever do in intercourse. You can be a satisfying lover with manual and oral stimulation. With enough stimulation, men can reach orgasm with or without an erection – those are completely separate functions.
You have mentioned that your wife struggles with depression, as do you. It would be good if you both saw a therapist, seeking treatment for depression as well as your relationship issues. Even a single consultation would help a therapist see where you are stuck as a couple and guide you.
— Laurie Watson, LMFT, LPC, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, is the author of Wanting Sex Again – How to Rediscover Your Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage. She blogs for Psychology Today Online in Married and Still Doing It. Laurie guest lectures at the medical schools for Duke and UNC Chapel Hill on sexual function/dysfunction. Director of Awakenings – Center for Intimacy and Sexuality in Raleigh, she maintains a full-time clinical practice.
Kegel Magic: Pelvic Floor Shape-Up For Better Sex
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| Diagram from Wikipedia |
January is “shape-up” month, with every lifestyle magazine and website proclaiming a new exercise program.
I’ve got a shape-up program for you, too, and though it’s a muscle workout, you won’t see the results in the mirror or show them off to your friends — except for intimate friends — and then the results will be felt, not seen.
This workout strengthens the muscles of your pelvic floor — the “PC” (pubococcygeus) muscles that run along the pelvic floor and surround the entire vagina. These are the muscles that contract during orgasm.
Regular pelvic floor workouts, AKA Kegel exercises, lead to more enjoyable sex: easier arousal, stronger orgasms, more pleasure. If that’s not enough, strengthening the pelvic floor muscles also protects against urinary incontinence. (Ah, now I have your attention!)
You’ve been told, “Do your Kegels,” but you haven’t been told how to do them most effectively. Here are step-by-step instructions for your pelvic floor workout, thanks to Myrtle Wilhite, MD, MS and staff of A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center in Madison, Wisconsin:
Step-by-Step Kegels1. Lie down on your back in a comfortable place with your knees bent. Lying down takes the weight off your pelvic floor and leads to earlier success. Have your tool (if you are using one) and lubricant with you.
- If you’re using a tool, coat it with lubricant and insert it into your vagina until it comfortably slips into place just behind the pubic bone. You can’t push it in too far; it cannot get lost inside of you.
- If you’re using your finger(s), wash your hands first, then coat your finger(s) with lubricant. Next, insert your finger(s) about 2 inches into your vagina.
- You can also practice Kegels with nothing at all inside your vagina, or a hand placed on your perineum, to feel the muscle contract from the outside.
2. Contract your pelvic floor muscles. It will feel like you’re pulling up and in toward your belly button. Don’t push out, unless specifically advised by a health care provider. If you’re using a tool, you should feel it rise a bit. If you’re using your finger, you should feel a gentle tightening around the finger. Try to keep your leg, buttock, and abdominal muscles relaxed, and remember to breathe normally throughout the exercise.
3. Hold the lift for a count of 5. If you’re using a tool, you can add resistance by pulling gently on it as you continue using your muscles to pull the tool inward and upward. Remember to breathe!
4. Relax your muscles.
5. IMPORTANT: After each contraction, take a deep belly breath. Inhale deeply and gently blow out the air while you relax your pelvis completely. This deep relaxation is just as important as the other steps, because the deep belly breath relaxes the muscles that are not under your conscious control.
For much more about Kegels from A Woman’s Touch, click here.
The deep relaxation phase is often omitted when we’re told how to do our Kegels, but they’re as important to practice as the contraction. Many women of our age, especially after a period of celibacy, experience what feels like tightening or shrinking of the vaginal opening because the muscles don’t fully release. This can interfere with our enjoyment of penetrative sex.
“Pay equal attention to the contraction and the relaxation of the muscles that surround the vagina in particular,” says sex educator and counselor Ellen Barnard, MSSW, co-owner of A Woman’s Touch. “Otherwise you may find that these muscles are stiff and inflexible, which will also get in the way of comfortable penetration when you are ready to have it.”
You can practice with your own fingers, a partner’s fingers or penis (fun for both of you!), or a sex product designed for vaginal penetration (that’s the “tool” mentioned above) such as a dildo, dilator, or a special Kegel exerciser.
You can also practice your Kegels without tools or fingers, even on the go: standing in the grocery line, driving, walking, working at your desk, during your Pilates, yoga, or dance class. If you’re doing them in public, be sure you’ve mastered the part about not contracting your buttocks, or anyone standing behind you will see what you’re doing!
Although I’ve directed this article to women, Kegels are also important for men. These muscles located in the perineum, the area between the scrotum and the anus, contract during a man’s orgasm. Kegels can make sex more pleasurable for men with age-related, less intense orgasms.
“By strengthening the muscles of the perineum, you will pump more blood to this vital area, achieve greater ejaculatory control, and increase the intensity of your orgasms,” says urologist Dudley S. Danoff, MD, FACS, author of Penis Power: The Ultimate Guide to Male Sexual Health. (Read my interview with Dr. Danoff here.)
Kegels are recommended for all ages, and they’re especially important for Boomers now and through our later years.
Kegels can be fun as well as useful. Though there’s nothing sexual about the pelvic floor exercises per se, there’s nothing to stop you from pleasuring yourself or your partner while you do them, or right afterwards!
(This post first appeared 12/28/12 on the Post50 channel of The Huffington Post here.)
Please read the companion piece to this one: Kegel Exercise “Tools” for Better Sex to learn about cool tools that will make your Kegels lots of fun.
