Posts by Joan Price
The Hitachi Magic Wand: guest review by David M. Pittle, Ph.D.
male readers, and I’m thrilled when men as well as women fill the room at my
talks and workshops. But how do I, a woman, review a sex toy for men?
sex-positive man of our age to review it – a man like David Pittle.
himself as a therapist in San Rafael, CA, saying that he has been buying copies
of Naked at Our Age for his clients. Since then, he has attended several of my
events, and we’ve had many lively and honest conversations about sex and aging.
When he told me that the Hitachi Magic Wand is his favorite sex toy, I invited
him to write a review from his male perspective. Lucky for us, he was happy to
oblige. Here it is:
which is bisexual is the magnificent and venerable Hitachi Magic Wand.
The Magic Wand has beenaround for over 30 years in several constantly improving versions. The current Hitachi
Magic Wand HV250R is a vibrator that can wake up your libido no matter how
jaded you might be.
some of us have more difficulty getting a good erection. For many men that’s
enough of a put-off that we quit trying. It can be embarrassing and
disappointing. It is easy to begin to forget the joy of sex. But on a health
level, getting off is important. A large, recent study, published in the
Journal of the American Medical Association (April 2004), showed that men who
have an active sex life–twenty or more times per month–were about one-third
less likely to develop prostate cancer. Of course sex for its own sake is
worthwhile.
vibrator? “If I don’t have a partner, I always have the natural vibrator, my
hand,” many men say. And while that is true, it’s like saying that just because
I like spaghetti, I can’t also enjoy a baked potato with my meal. Variety is
the spice of life and a good vibrator is very spicy indeed.
large, about 12.5 inches in length. It resembles nothing so much as an old World
War I potato masher hand grenade. Like a hand grenade, when it goes off, it
provides a very big bang. The business end is 2.25 inches across, with a
shallow v-slot that will hold your penis even in its flaccid state, and keeps
it captured as you get hard. With two different speeds—L(ow) provides a
relatively gentle ride and H(igh) gives a powerful, “let’s get going now” experience—the
Magic Wand handles all the needs for most men.
recommend the Magic Wand, ostensibly for massaging back and shoulder muscles.
But that size makes it perfect for massaging a man’s testicles and perineum,
the area between the anus and the testicles, an area which is very erotically
sensitive.
is that the head is easy to clean, as every sex toy should be, though not
immersible and not for use in the tub or shower. The Magic Wand is corded and
must be plugged into a wall socket. It is perfectly safe electrically when used
in bed or other dry environments, but obviously one would not use it in the
water any more than a hair dryer.
may be useful to some men, though I haven’t felt the need for it, is a variable
speed controller. It can slow down the
Magic Wand, if even the Low speed is too much, but I notice that reviews are generally
not positive. If it isn’t needed, save the money and get a vibrator that is
less intense.
the sex toys specifically designed for men, but I always come back to my MagicWand!
 |
| David Pittle |
his clients are age 50-80, when good sex is important, and dissatisfaction may
lead to loss of shared intimacy that can threaten the total relationship. David
specializes in helping women who are not experiencing sexual satisfaction and
men with non-medical and medically-related erectile dysfunction or other
issues. Visit his website here.
Note from Joan: Please see my other vibrator reviews by clicking here. Keep scrolling down — there are many! I love to hear from you and welcome your comments about any sex toys reviewed here, because our experiences are all different, and your experience will help other readers decide which toy is right for them. (However, if you’re a sex toy retailer, I don’t permit links that compete with the retailers I endorse — spammy, highjacking comments and links won’t see the light of day.)
Reader: “I have difficulty ejaculating.” Michael Castleman responds.
Dear Joan,
I just finished your book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. It was a breath of fresh air to find that I am not that different about my sexual desires, fantasies and needs as other 65 year old people.
I didn’t see you address my specific issue in the book. Namely, I have difficulty ejaculating. It is not that it doesn’t ever happen, it does both with oral stimulation and with penetration sex; just not very often.
My companion really wants to have me reach orgasm inside her, as do I, but too often, I lose my erection before the big moment. Many times it seems there is a lack of continued stimulation after penetration. I don’t “feel” anything. Lubrication isn’t an issue, she has plenty and we aren’t bashful about adding synthetic lube to the equation.
For reasons of knee pain and a few pounds overweight the only position we have found to date and enjoy is her lying on her back and me on my right side with my torso at a right angle to hers. Missionary hurts my knees and I’m too tall, compared to her, for doggie to work comfortably.
Do you have any suggestions to continue the stimulation on the glans of my penis to build up an ejaculation after penetration? Your input will be very much appreciated by us both.
Thank you for your time and providing a non-sleazy forum for us “old-timers” to learn and re-learn new tricks.
Buddy’s right — as comprehensive as Naked at Our Age is, it doesn’t answer Buddy’s question. So I asked Michael Castleman, M.A., a top health writer, sex educator, and sex counselor, to address Buddy’s concerns. Michael Castleman responds:
Your
situation is not at all unusual. Older men often develop problems with
ejaculation/orgasm for several reasons:
(1)
The nervous system becomes less “excitable” with age. This means it
takes more stimulation for ejaculation and orgasm to happen. It’s also part of
the reason you don’t “feel” anything during intercourse. Sex
therapists often tell older men, “You don’t have to ejaculate every
time.” That’s true, but if she really wants you to come inside her, not
ejaculating is not going to help.
(2)
It’s more difficult to maintain erotic focus. Aches and pains can distract from
erotic focus, You have some, so they may be contributing to your situation.
Have you considered some pain medication before sex? Advil?
(3)
Drugs and drug side effects. You didn’t mention drugs, but many older people
take one or more. Many drugs cause ejaculation problems, and quite a few have
side effects that include ejaculatory difficulty, notably, antidepressants. If
you’re taking medication that may cause ejaculatory problems, ask your doctor
if another drug can be substituted.
What
to do? Here are a few quick suggestions:
(1)
During intercourse, in addition to the old in-out, also stroke your penis by
hand (yours or hers). This may provide the extra stimulation you need to get
over the hump. (It may take some practice to figure out how to do this.) Or try
pressing a vibrator against your penis or scrotum. The extra stimulation may
help.
(2)
Make love earlier in the day. Many older lover find that at night, they’re too
pooped to pop. Make love before noon and you’re likely to have more erotic
energy, including energy for ejaculation and orgasm.
(3)
Try some anal massage in addition to intercourse. Now, you may have objections
to anal play, and if you do, you’re under no obligation to do this. But some
men find that adding anal sphincter massage and/or fingering to intercourse
helps the man come.
For
a more detailed discussion of this issue, visit my site, GreatSexAfter40.com, and click on the
Info Library. Under About Men, you’ll see an article on Ejaculation and Orgasm
problems. Here’s the direct URL.
Many thanks to Buddy for his candor and to Michael Castleman for his terrific advice. I invite your comments, readers.
Michael
Castleman, M.A., is the author of twelve books, including Great Sex: TheMan’s Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality and Sexual Solutions:For Men and the Women Who Love Them. From 1991-95, he answered the
sex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. Visit his website about sex after midlife, www.GreatSexAfter40.com.
“What I learned about my sexuality in 2011”: readers respond
If you’d like to add your voice, and you’re 50+, please continue to comment below. If you prefer, email me a sentence or a paragraph, with permission to add it to the comments here, and I’ll post it for you under the name you tell me (it doesn’t have to be your own).
Since Naked at Our Age was envisioned to answer the questions and address the problems we encounter trying to have a rich sex life at our age, I urge you to read it. It really does discuss all of the problems you wrote about in your comments, and much more. Forty-five experts give advice after reading your stories and your questions.
It’s the book that I wished we had available when I started talking to people about their sexual concerns — and now we do.
As we wrap up 2011, please put at least one special sex-themed resolution on your 2012 list. You deserve joy.
Thank you for continuing to read my books and this blog, and thank you especially for your willingness to add your candid comments. That’s what makes this a community.
“Getting Older, Getting Better,” guest post by Charlie Glickman, PhD
One of my favorite sex nerds, Dr. Debby Herbenick, recently retweeted something that I’ve been thinking about for a while:
True. @hotaction: “Everyone should spend some time looking at photos of naked old people because that’s what the future looks like.”
— Dr. Debby Herbenick (@mysexprofessor)
Today is the 20th anniversary of the date that I met my partner. In the last two decades, we’ve both changed a lot. We’re both much more secure and solid in who we are. We’ve grown and challenged each other to overcome many of the habits that caused friction in our lives and in our connections with other people. We’ve learned many, many ways to support our relationship. And yes, our bodies have changed, too. While I’d love to have the physical resilience that I used to have, I wouldn’t trade my current life for the one I had back then. I needed that ability to bounce back- without it, I never would have survived the drama I caused myself and others.
After two decades with Elizabeth, I think she’s more beautiful than ever before and I’m more drawn to her than I could have imagined when we first met. And I think about the many people who stop being attracted to their partners and trade them in for someone younger. This seems to be more common for men, but I’ve also seen women do the same thing in increasing numbers. While I’m fully supportive of people creating the relationships they want and ending them when they no longer serve them, I can’t help but wonder about our tenacious grip on the idea that younger is better and how that affects things.
In a world that only presents the latest 18-25 year olds as sexy, it’s a challenge to not compare oneself or one’s partner with that fantasy. Personally, I’ve found that became easier when I stopped watching TV and reading the drivel that passes for news (and don’t even get me started on popular magazines). But it takes more than that. Every time you compliment someone’s appearance by telling them that they look young, you’re reinforcing the idea that we lose value as we age. I feel sadness around that because it encourages us to deny our histories, to pretend we’re something we aren’t, and to create an image of who we wish we were rather than celebrating who we’ve become. And let’s not forget that many of the cosmetic treatments to make us look younger don’t work all that well and are promoted with ads that are photoshopped like crazy. My willing suspension of disbelief snapped a long time ago.
Maybe I’ll have something different to say in another 20 years. But right now, I think that the physical expression of experience and growth is incredibly sexy. It’s an outward manifestation of the individual’s evolution. Personally, I find that much more attractive than someone who strives to look like they’re still 23. This is something that many of us have to practice. When the only images that we see define attractiveness as equivalent to youth, it can be difficult to not make comparisons.
I’ve spoken with quite a few people who are convinced that nobody will want to have sex with them because they have grey hair, or wrinkles, or scars, or stretch marks, or health concerns, or any of the other effects of age. I feel sadness that they’re so sure that they’re unattractive to others because they’re unattractive to themselves. I wonder how much of that comes from never having thought of people over a certain age as desirable. I wonder how much of that comes from the fact that so much of the breathless commentary about attractiveness (especially female attractiveness) is tied up in how young someone looks. What a waste of the incredible beauty and wisdom that surrounds us, if only we could see it.
If Elizabeth and I are fortunate, we will have lots more time together. And someday, we may get to be like the people in this photograph. I look at it and see something to be celebrated. I also know that many people will look at it and feel disgust, shame, or squicked. So what are you going to do when you get to be that age? How are you going to feel about yourself or your partner(s)? Will you be able to be naked with your partner without feeling self-disgust or shame?
The time to start thinking about older people being sexy is right now. This is the time to stop shaming elders who express desire or who want to have sex. This is the time to stop mocking their bodies or describing them negatively. When you get older, you’ll be struggling with a lot of cultural momentum and the longer you go along with it, the harder it’ll be when you finally get around to resisting (if you do). That’s especially true for women and their partners, given the extra pressure and judgement attached to youth and attractiveness for women. But really, we’re all affected by the idea that younger is better.
Instead of thinking of someone as “looking good for their age,” how about simply letting them “look good”? Instead of telling someone that they look so young, compliment them on something specific like their hairstyle or their outfit. And instead of saying insulting things about older people’s sexuality, acknowledge the feeling as your own judgment. There’s a huge difference between “that’s gross” and “I feel discomfort.” The more we can change how we think and feel about elders and sexuality, the better off we’ll be if and when we get there.
I also highly recommend Joan Price’s book Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex. Even if you’re not there yet, there’s a good chance that you will be and many of the sexual concerns that can arise are much easier to deal with when you aren’t surprised by them. Joan interviewed and quoted lots of medical professionals, sex educators, and therapists, so it’s like you’re getting the benefit of a whole panel of experts in one book. It’s amazing.
Good Vibrations, an occasional university professor, and a sexuality educator. He teaches and writes about sex-positivity, sex & shame, sexual practices and communities, relationships, and other related topics. Check him out at his website, twitter, or on Facebook.