Posts by Joan Price
Reader: “I have difficulty ejaculating.” Michael Castleman responds.
Dear Joan,
I just finished your book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. It was a breath of fresh air to find that I am not that different about my sexual desires, fantasies and needs as other 65 year old people.
I didn’t see you address my specific issue in the book. Namely, I have difficulty ejaculating. It is not that it doesn’t ever happen, it does both with oral stimulation and with penetration sex; just not very often.
My companion really wants to have me reach orgasm inside her, as do I, but too often, I lose my erection before the big moment. Many times it seems there is a lack of continued stimulation after penetration. I don’t “feel” anything. Lubrication isn’t an issue, she has plenty and we aren’t bashful about adding synthetic lube to the equation.
For reasons of knee pain and a few pounds overweight the only position we have found to date and enjoy is her lying on her back and me on my right side with my torso at a right angle to hers. Missionary hurts my knees and I’m too tall, compared to her, for doggie to work comfortably.
Do you have any suggestions to continue the stimulation on the glans of my penis to build up an ejaculation after penetration? Your input will be very much appreciated by us both.
Thank you for your time and providing a non-sleazy forum for us “old-timers” to learn and re-learn new tricks.
Buddy’s right — as comprehensive as Naked at Our Age is, it doesn’t answer Buddy’s question. So I asked Michael Castleman, M.A., a top health writer, sex educator, and sex counselor, to address Buddy’s concerns. Michael Castleman responds:
Your
situation is not at all unusual. Older men often develop problems with
ejaculation/orgasm for several reasons:
(1)
The nervous system becomes less “excitable” with age. This means it
takes more stimulation for ejaculation and orgasm to happen. It’s also part of
the reason you don’t “feel” anything during intercourse. Sex
therapists often tell older men, “You don’t have to ejaculate every
time.” That’s true, but if she really wants you to come inside her, not
ejaculating is not going to help.
(2)
It’s more difficult to maintain erotic focus. Aches and pains can distract from
erotic focus, You have some, so they may be contributing to your situation.
Have you considered some pain medication before sex? Advil?
(3)
Drugs and drug side effects. You didn’t mention drugs, but many older people
take one or more. Many drugs cause ejaculation problems, and quite a few have
side effects that include ejaculatory difficulty, notably, antidepressants. If
you’re taking medication that may cause ejaculatory problems, ask your doctor
if another drug can be substituted.
What
to do? Here are a few quick suggestions:
(1)
During intercourse, in addition to the old in-out, also stroke your penis by
hand (yours or hers). This may provide the extra stimulation you need to get
over the hump. (It may take some practice to figure out how to do this.) Or try
pressing a vibrator against your penis or scrotum. The extra stimulation may
help.
(2)
Make love earlier in the day. Many older lover find that at night, they’re too
pooped to pop. Make love before noon and you’re likely to have more erotic
energy, including energy for ejaculation and orgasm.
(3)
Try some anal massage in addition to intercourse. Now, you may have objections
to anal play, and if you do, you’re under no obligation to do this. But some
men find that adding anal sphincter massage and/or fingering to intercourse
helps the man come.
For
a more detailed discussion of this issue, visit my site, GreatSexAfter40.com, and click on the
Info Library. Under About Men, you’ll see an article on Ejaculation and Orgasm
problems. Here’s the direct URL.
Many thanks to Buddy for his candor and to Michael Castleman for his terrific advice. I invite your comments, readers.
Michael
Castleman, M.A., is the author of twelve books, including Great Sex: TheMan’s Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality and Sexual Solutions:For Men and the Women Who Love Them. From 1991-95, he answered the
sex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. Visit his website about sex after midlife, www.GreatSexAfter40.com.
“What I learned about my sexuality in 2011”: readers respond
If you’d like to add your voice, and you’re 50+, please continue to comment below. If you prefer, email me a sentence or a paragraph, with permission to add it to the comments here, and I’ll post it for you under the name you tell me (it doesn’t have to be your own).
Since Naked at Our Age was envisioned to answer the questions and address the problems we encounter trying to have a rich sex life at our age, I urge you to read it. It really does discuss all of the problems you wrote about in your comments, and much more. Forty-five experts give advice after reading your stories and your questions.
It’s the book that I wished we had available when I started talking to people about their sexual concerns — and now we do.
As we wrap up 2011, please put at least one special sex-themed resolution on your 2012 list. You deserve joy.
Thank you for continuing to read my books and this blog, and thank you especially for your willingness to add your candid comments. That’s what makes this a community.
“Getting Older, Getting Better,” guest post by Charlie Glickman, PhD
One of my favorite sex nerds, Dr. Debby Herbenick, recently retweeted something that I’ve been thinking about for a while:
True. @hotaction: “Everyone should spend some time looking at photos of naked old people because that’s what the future looks like.”
— Dr. Debby Herbenick (@mysexprofessor)
Today is the 20th anniversary of the date that I met my partner. In the last two decades, we’ve both changed a lot. We’re both much more secure and solid in who we are. We’ve grown and challenged each other to overcome many of the habits that caused friction in our lives and in our connections with other people. We’ve learned many, many ways to support our relationship. And yes, our bodies have changed, too. While I’d love to have the physical resilience that I used to have, I wouldn’t trade my current life for the one I had back then. I needed that ability to bounce back- without it, I never would have survived the drama I caused myself and others.
After two decades with Elizabeth, I think she’s more beautiful than ever before and I’m more drawn to her than I could have imagined when we first met. And I think about the many people who stop being attracted to their partners and trade them in for someone younger. This seems to be more common for men, but I’ve also seen women do the same thing in increasing numbers. While I’m fully supportive of people creating the relationships they want and ending them when they no longer serve them, I can’t help but wonder about our tenacious grip on the idea that younger is better and how that affects things.
In a world that only presents the latest 18-25 year olds as sexy, it’s a challenge to not compare oneself or one’s partner with that fantasy. Personally, I’ve found that became easier when I stopped watching TV and reading the drivel that passes for news (and don’t even get me started on popular magazines). But it takes more than that. Every time you compliment someone’s appearance by telling them that they look young, you’re reinforcing the idea that we lose value as we age. I feel sadness around that because it encourages us to deny our histories, to pretend we’re something we aren’t, and to create an image of who we wish we were rather than celebrating who we’ve become. And let’s not forget that many of the cosmetic treatments to make us look younger don’t work all that well and are promoted with ads that are photoshopped like crazy. My willing suspension of disbelief snapped a long time ago.
Maybe I’ll have something different to say in another 20 years. But right now, I think that the physical expression of experience and growth is incredibly sexy. It’s an outward manifestation of the individual’s evolution. Personally, I find that much more attractive than someone who strives to look like they’re still 23. This is something that many of us have to practice. When the only images that we see define attractiveness as equivalent to youth, it can be difficult to not make comparisons.
I’ve spoken with quite a few people who are convinced that nobody will want to have sex with them because they have grey hair, or wrinkles, or scars, or stretch marks, or health concerns, or any of the other effects of age. I feel sadness that they’re so sure that they’re unattractive to others because they’re unattractive to themselves. I wonder how much of that comes from never having thought of people over a certain age as desirable. I wonder how much of that comes from the fact that so much of the breathless commentary about attractiveness (especially female attractiveness) is tied up in how young someone looks. What a waste of the incredible beauty and wisdom that surrounds us, if only we could see it.
If Elizabeth and I are fortunate, we will have lots more time together. And someday, we may get to be like the people in this photograph. I look at it and see something to be celebrated. I also know that many people will look at it and feel disgust, shame, or squicked. So what are you going to do when you get to be that age? How are you going to feel about yourself or your partner(s)? Will you be able to be naked with your partner without feeling self-disgust or shame?
The time to start thinking about older people being sexy is right now. This is the time to stop shaming elders who express desire or who want to have sex. This is the time to stop mocking their bodies or describing them negatively. When you get older, you’ll be struggling with a lot of cultural momentum and the longer you go along with it, the harder it’ll be when you finally get around to resisting (if you do). That’s especially true for women and their partners, given the extra pressure and judgement attached to youth and attractiveness for women. But really, we’re all affected by the idea that younger is better.
Instead of thinking of someone as “looking good for their age,” how about simply letting them “look good”? Instead of telling someone that they look so young, compliment them on something specific like their hairstyle or their outfit. And instead of saying insulting things about older people’s sexuality, acknowledge the feeling as your own judgment. There’s a huge difference between “that’s gross” and “I feel discomfort.” The more we can change how we think and feel about elders and sexuality, the better off we’ll be if and when we get there.
I also highly recommend Joan Price’s book Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex. Even if you’re not there yet, there’s a good chance that you will be and many of the sexual concerns that can arise are much easier to deal with when you aren’t surprised by them. Joan interviewed and quoted lots of medical professionals, sex educators, and therapists, so it’s like you’re getting the benefit of a whole panel of experts in one book. It’s amazing.
Good Vibrations, an occasional university professor, and a sexuality educator. He teaches and writes about sex-positivity, sex & shame, sexual practices and communities, relationships, and other related topics. Check him out at his website, twitter, or on Facebook.
Dr. Ruth on Sex After 50, by Sally Wendkos Olds
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| Dr. Ruth Westheimer, age 83, 2011
Photo by Sally Dougan
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What a treat I had last night – hearing the 83-year-old zesty, wise, and funny Dr. Ruth Westheimer hold forth on the topic of her 2005 book, Dr. Ruth’s Sex After 50: Revving Up The Romance, Passion & Excitement! Her talk was presented by the New York City chapter of The Transition Network, a wonderful national organization for women over 50.
You can enjoy sex until you’re 99 years old! Dr. Ruth proclaimed. (“Why not 100?” I should have asked.) Just keep her words of wisdom in mind:
- Intercourse is not the whole story – you can achieve sexual satisfaction in other ways.
- Post-menopausal women: For intercourse, use a lubricant so that sex will not be painful. If you have pain despite this, see your gynecologist.
- Men: If you no longer have a psychogenic erection (one that comes with just thinking about sex), you need direct physical stimulation. Both you and your partner need to know this.
- Both sexes: Take advantage of morning erections to have the best sex – don’t wait for night-time. Instead, get a good night’s sleep, wake up in the morning, eat breakfast, turn off your phones, and hop back into bed. Men who don’t have morning erections: see a urologist.
- Men who tend to rush into intercourse and then fall asleep immediately afterwards: Remember that the arc of women’s arousal is slower than yours, and take time to bring her to readiness – and then afterwards, if you feel yourself getting sleepy, prick yourself a little with a pin to stay awake so you can hold her and cuddle.
- Women: Take responsibility for your own sexual satisfaction. Teach your partner what you need, not necessarily in words but in ways that make your desires clear.
- When about to embark on a new sexual relationship, use condoms – or agree with your partner that before sexual activity you will both be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Once you’re both given a good report, keep the relationship exclusive.
- Condoms: Men: practice putting one on in front of the mirror when you’re alone, and women: learn how to help him put it on.
- When to keep your mouth shut: When you’re having fantasies about other partners or remembering old lovers – your present partner does not need to hear about them.
- When to keep your mouth open: When you want to give oral sex, which can be done at a time when you don’t expect, plan, or need your own orgasm. Simultaneity is over-rated – you can take turns.
- In front of the mirror, pick out something you do like about your body. To enjoy sex you have to feel desirable, so don’t sabotage yourself by focusing on what you don’t like.
- In the Jewish tradition, married men have the obligation to provide sexual satisfaction to their wives, even after menopause, thus confirming that sex is not only for procreation – but also for recreation.
- If you have teenagers at home, don’t wait for them to go to sleep – teens never sleep. Instead, go out to a motel for a few hours where you can have total privacy.
Dr. Ruth has a turtle collection: A turtle is well protected in its shell, she says, as long as it stands still. But if it wants to move, it needs to stick its neck out, to take a risk. So that’s what moving ahead demands – sticking your neck out, taking a risk, and when things don’t work out, shrugging your shoulders and moving on.
So here’s to moving on!
Sally Wendkos Olds has written extensively about intimate relationships, personal growth, and developmental issues throughout the life cycle, and has won national awards for both her book and magazine writing. In addition to her classic, The Complete Book of Breastfeeding, first published in 1972 and revised for its fourth edition in 2010, she is the author of ten other books, including Super Granny: Great Stuff to Do with Your Grandkids. She is currently writing a book for people whose life partner died a year or more ago.