“Elderspeak” Hurts Our Health

By Joan Price | November 9, 2008 |

How do you feel when a stranger, sales clerk, or health professional calls you “dear” or “sweetie”? In a widely reprinted New York Times article titled “In ‘Sweetie’ and ‘Dear,’ a Hurt for the Elderly” (October 6, 2008), writer John Leland reveals that elderspeak, “the sweetly belittling form of address” that we’ve all experienced, can have health consequences. In addition, if we accept and internalize that aging means we’re forgetful or feeble, we don’t live as long — just by believing the negative image of aging.

Becca Levy, an associate professor of epidemiology and psychology at Yale University studies the health effects of belittling messages on elderly people. “Those who have more negative images of aging have worse functional health over time, including lower rates of survival,” she says.

According to the New York Times article,

In a long-term survey of 660 people over age 50 in a small Ohio town, published in 2002, Dr. Levy and her fellow researchers found that those who had positive perceptions of aging lived an average of 7.5 years longer, a bigger increase than that associated with exercising or not smoking. The findings held up even when the researchers controlled for differences in the participants’ health conditions.

Health care workers are often the worst offenders of “elderspeak,” believing that they are using affectionate terms rather than belittling ones. Yet elderspeak sends a message that we are incompetent, childlike, and need to be taken care of. Over time, people exposed constantly to this message actually become more dependent and withdrawn, less self-reliant or competent.

Personally, I wouldn’t have guessed this. I’m about to turn 65 (tomorrow!) and I rather like terms of endearment, even from strangers. Robert used to love to go to a particular restaurant because the waitress called him “honey.” I take these endearments as they’re meant, as warm and friendly overtures, without belittling undertones that I’m incompetent or feeble. But that may be because I know I am strong mentally (writing books) and physically (dancing, Pilates, lifting weights). If I had doubts about my abilities, perhaps elderspeak would reinforce them. Certainly having positive images of aging is essential for moving through this part of our life journey with joy and energy — but does a stranger or health professional calling us “sweetie” really call that into question? Not for me — but I’d love to hear from you about this.If it does bother you, do you speak up? Do you say, “My name is….” or respond, “Thank you, darling”?

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Lovemaking Tips for Seniors: Funny or Insulting?

By Joan Price | November 6, 2008 |

A reader sent these Lovemaking Tips for Seniors to me — I don’t know where they came from, though if you know, tell me — I believe in crediting the author always. Please read them and my question to you at the end:

Lovemaking tips for seniors1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.(This was sent [JP’s note: in the original e-mail] in large type so you can read it.)

Now tell me — are these tips funny? Are they insulting — one more example of how our society stereotypes and ridicules seniors who are enthusiastic about sex? You tell me. In my view they’re clever, yes. But knowing how devastating it is to elders who lose their sexual ability without losing their emotional need for sex and intimacy, the tone is cruel. Or am I just a fuddy-duddy with no sense of humor about sex and aging? Educate me, readers. And please put your age on your comment so I see if the reactions are different for older readers.

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Discoveries Helping Me Move Through Grief

By Joan Price | November 2, 2008 |

Robert died three months ago today. Although this post has nothing directly to do with sex, so many of you have sent me compassionate emails that I’d like to share what I wrote to my online grief support group today:

I’ve been working hard at finding ways to create some semblance of balance and — dare I say it? — moments of joy in my life amidst the powerful grief that comes in waves and knocks me to the ground. I’d like to share some things that have worked for me, just in case any of them might be useful to some of you. Feel free to add to the list if you have something to share that has worked for you.
Problem: Out of control crying had reduced me to a crazy, quivering mess and sometimes lasted days without a break, intensified by not being able to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I felt physically and mentally ill from the ravages of grief.

Solution: Doctor prescribed an antidepressant (for “situational depression” for six months), a sleeping pill, and a counselor. The combination has brought me indescribable relief. I still grieve and sometimes feel like I’m pedaling through peanut butter, but at least the elephant has stopped kicking me in the chest and stomach.

Problem: I knew journaling would help, but my writing fingers felt paralyzed for the first two months — did I write memories of Robert and talk to him in my journal, or did I write about ways I was trying to move on? The two seemed to cancel each other out.

Solution: I started TWO journals. In one, I write to Robert and remember the special things he/we did and said. In the other, I write about my steps towards creating a new life: making new friends, insights from counselor and friends, little things that make me happy, if only for a minute. This has worked splendidly — I write in one journal, then switch to the other.

Problem: Morning ritual was so special. After wonderful snuggling, Robert would say, “I’m going to make you coffee.” He would get up, bring me the morning newspaper and coffee in bed. I would share something from the paper that might interest him, and sometimes he would just sit and watch me lovingly as I read, or he would go out to tend his garden. He painted a special bell (he was an artist ) for me to ring when I wanted a coffee refill. It was a glorious and loving start to the day, and without him, mornings felt so empty.

Solution: Replace missing ritual with new one. I cancelled the newspaper subscription (don’t even miss it). Now I get out of bed, make my coffee the way he used to, but I bring it to my favorite chair that looks out on the yard and I write in my journal while I sip.

Problem: My world was Robert. I did much independently, don’t get me wrong, but he was the one with whom I walked , danced, went out to dinner and films, talked about everything.

Solution: I reached out to old friends and made new ones. I thought about people whom I liked and would like to know better. Several had extended invitations to me, but I wasn’t ready. I contacted them and made walking dates and coffee or dinner dates. Now I have people I can do things with, and they understand when I get tearful.

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Elder Sex Romps in German Film

By Joan Price | September 10, 2008 |

I hope Wolke 9 (Cloud 9) comes to a movie theater near me soon. It’s a German film about a wild sexual affair between Inge, a married woman in her sixties, and Karl, a 74-year-old man who hires Inge to tailor his trousers and then seduces her on the living room floor. Inge also has less passionate sex with her husband of 30 years in the film.

From the photos I’ve seen, the cast is quite ordinary looking — no face-lifts, liposuction, or dashing looks here — and I find this refreshing. Imagine, realistic, illicit sexual romping with wrinkles, sags, and cellulite! You can tell we’re not in Hollywood.

“Of course it was important to me to show that old people don’t just go on bus tours and boat cruises and buy warm blankets,” director Andreas Dresen told a German newspaper. No need for warm blankets in this film, from the sizzling reviewsI’ve read!
Read more about Wolke 9 here, and if you’ve seen it, please post a comment. Does the film have emotional depth?

9/12/08 update: Here’s another interesting review from ABC News in Australia. The reviewer says, in part,

The rare, liver spots-and-all depiction of elderly lovers in the first blush of infatuation has electrified German critics and drawn blanket coverage in the country’s culture pages.

What is sensational about the film is that it features on-top-of-the-covers sex between a sexagenarian grandmother and the 76-year-old object of her affection, as well as between the woman and her husband of 30 years.

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