Marriage Equality and more: LGBT Seniors
We’re all reading and talking about gay marriage / marriage equality this week. I’d like to invite our LGBT Boomers, seniors, and elders to comment here about their lives growing up without acceptance or equality.
In high school, I had a guy friend who, I learned 50 years later, was gay. How much it would have accelerated my own education and evolution if he had felt he could talk to me about that then. But he didn’t. Maybe he felt he couldn’t. Maybe he thought it was none of my business. Maybe he wasn’t sure. He dated girls at that time.
Fifty years later, when we met again, I asked if he was married. He told me nonchalantly that he was in a decades-long relationship with a man. He said he wasn’t hiding it — he just informed people who asked.
At CatalystCon East this month, I attended Terri Clark’s session, “The Silver Rainbow: Working with LGBT Seniors.” There are more than 1.5 million LGBT older adults in US today, and by 2030,they’ll number more than 3 million, Terri told us. She is co-chair of The LGBT Elder Initiative
(LGBTEI), which is “committed to assuring that lesbian, gay, bisexual
and transgender older adults have rights and opportunities to live
vibrant, creative and mutually supportive lives.”
you cease to exist.”
I thought I was well-informed, but this session made my jaw drop, especially when Terri showed a short film from Project Visibility (trailer below). In it, people talked about their need to be closeted growing up. “We always kind of lived a lie,” they said. “That was your life and you’re not able to share it. Your story would be missing.”
Even decades later, they lost jobs, family, and their faith community when they came out. One college professor was told, “We don’t have room on the faculty for you any more.”
Many LGBT seniors are still closeted today. This makes them afraid to access senior health and legal services that the rest of us take for granted.
Yes, marriage equality is important. But that’s not the only chapter in this story. Gay or straight, young or old, religious or not, activist or not, we need to come together, stand up tall, and speak out loud for equality for all of us, in all aspects of our lives.
In the words of one of the interviewees, “It’s who we are. It’s not a moral issue.”
Erotic Electro-Stimulation—Reviews of ElectraStim “Flick” and Erostek ET232
Thank you, David Pittle, for continuing to review sex toys for men here. My readers and I are grateful! Readers: your comments are always welcome. — Joan Price
Electro-Stimulation—E-Stim
Guest post by David M. Pittle, Ph.D., M.Div
Erotic Electro-Stimulation — what a charge! Attach electrodes to your genitals and get stimulated through electrical energy. Eugh! But if it could be a shockingly great form of sexual stimulation, why not?Although I consider myself sexually sophisticated, Electro-Stimulation – known as E-Stim — was beyond my experience or knowledge. I wanted to try it myself. Two of the leading vendors were kind enough to send me their units: ElectraStim from Cyrex, an English company, and Erostek, an American firm.
My first action was to try them on myself and then to enlist another man and two women to volunteer to experiment. These are not just men’s or women’s products, they are great for both. (I had fantasies of finding a couple to try it together, but that got too complicated.)
ElectraStim “Flick” EM60
The ElectraStim “Flick” EM60 is a small device, 2.2 x 3.5 inches and only ¾ inch thick. Nicely styled, it has a soft, flocked back and a well-designed control panel. It felt good to hold and use. It came with two penis rings as well as a vaginal probe and several stick-on electrode pads like your physician uses for an EKG. The EM60 has 24 intensity levels and seven different patterns, which you can set to your liking. Like all E-Stim devices, the stimulation is not necessarily steady. And when you hold it and “flick” your hand, it provides an extra jolt of power. The EM60 is a good choice for a first experience because it comes on slowly, but you can build it up to almost full strength with levels of pleasure all along the way.
Erostek ET232
This is a very different device from the ElectraStim. The Erostek ET232 looks a lot less sophisticated in packaging, but it packs many more functions and much more power. There are 15 patterns including one that responds to voice command. The Erostek ET232 arrived with conductive penis bands, and a ball shaped insert for use in the vagina or anus. Enough variation to please almost anyone.
Testing the Devices
To get the best idea of what worked, we began with the EM60. We placed electrode pads near the base of the penis. Our second test was with the penis rings or bands. For the women, we used the pads on either side of the clitoris and then the vaginal probe. After testing the first unit—and some well-deserved rest–we repeated the test with the Erostek ET232.
The results were amazing. The women had orgasms with both devices with the pads. With the vaginal probe, the results were even more spectacular. One of the women had exquisite feelings leading up to each of several orgasms. Changing the orientation of the probe to be either next to her G-spot or side to side made a difference in the feeling, not less or more, but pleasantly different.
For the men too, the results were spectacular. The penis rings or bands produced the greatest pleasure. This increased with one band just below the glans and the other around the scrotum. One man said that he had two full orgasms in a row before “finishing.”
All volunteer testers liked both devices. They praised the EM60 for being easy to get into and providing a soft and comfortable feeling that could be taken to a high level. They liked the Erostek as more aggressive and stronger with a different feeling to it.
Is E-Stim safe? You must use it correctly, which includes using lubricant and keeping the electrodes below the waist. Never use it if you have an implanted pacemaker or defibrillator. Read the instructions and follow the cautions. It should be as safe as your masturbation sleeve or vibrator if you follow the rules. In our testing, we measured blood pressure and heart rate before and after each test. Both heart rate and blood pressure do rise in any sexual activity, but there were no instances of anything out of the ordinary.
(Note from Joan: Of course, we do not give medical advice here, so consult your doctor to be sure. But be prepared: your doctor may have no idea what you’re talking about. Educating doctors is a good thing.)
I can say confidently that these “beginner” models from ElectraStim and Erostek are great products that will keep working for years. They are an investment for long term sexual pleasure. Which to choose? You won’t be disappointed with either.
– David M. Pittle, Ph.D., M.Div., is a therapist in San Rafael, CA, who has been helping people with sexual issues for over thirty years. Many of his clients are age 50-80, when good sex is important, and dissatisfaction may lead to loss of shared intimacy that can threaten the total relationship. David specializes in helping women who are not experiencing sexual satisfaction and men with non-medical and medically-related erectile dysfunction or other issues.
(I am sad to tell you that my friend, sex therapist David Pittle died December 2017. We value his sex toy reviews. Read more reviews by David Pittle)
Prostate Play for Pleasure and Health
questions you thought you couldn’t ask anybody. I interviewed Charlie Glickman by email on topics of particular interest to our age group:
Q: What are the benefits of prostate play for a man over 50, particularly?
CG: Besides the fact that it can feel amazing, there are a few great reasons to try prostate play. First, it gives you new possibilities and choices when it comes to sex. A lot of folks go their whole lives having sex in more or less the same way, which is rather like eating the same food all the time. If it works for you, great! But if you’d like to try something new, it’s a really fun option.
Second, a lot of men find that prostate play really is the male G-spot. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of pleasing your partner with G-spot play, imagine how much fun you and your partner can have when you reverse that.
In addition, there are some important possible health benefits. I should stress that these haven’t been scientifically proven, mostly because there’s not a lot of funding for this kind of thing. But many men have shared their stories and there do seem to be some patterns. Massage increases blood flow, which helps bring oxygen to your cells and keeps them healthy. And since prostate massage can be sexually arousing, that increases circulation even more! It also helps relieve muscle tension in the pelvic floor.
A lot of people, especially men, have tight pelvic muscles, which can lead to mobility difficulties and even prostatitis, an inflammation of the prostate that can be caused by muscles squeezing the gland. Massage reduces that. Prostate massage can also break up biofilms, which are a protective coating that bacteria can form, much like plaque on your teeth. By breaking them up, massage helps your body’s defenses protect you.
And lastly, prostate massage gives you greater awareness of your prostate, so if you get an infection, you’ll notice it sooner and get treatment.
Since about 50% of men at age 50 have an enlarged prostate, they might have difficulty urinating or have the urge to urinate frequently, especially at night. Massage can reduce those symptoms, though most men find they need to keep doing it regularly. If you prefer to do it solo, an Aneros Prostate Massager is perfect for hands-free massage. How often can you do something that’s good for you and feels great?
Q: How does prostate play enrich sex if erections are undependable?
CG: Exploring sexual pleasures that don’t depend on erections gives you many more choices when you want to have sex. And since one reason erections can be tricky is that stress and anxiety interfere with them, knowing that you don’t have to have an erection to have fun can actually make erections easier. So by helping men let go of their worries around erections, prostate play opens up lots of new directions.
Q: How can a man suggest prostate stimulation to his female partner if he fears she will think anal play is “gross” or “dirty”?
CG: Fear of “the mess” is one of the big three concerns we heard from men and their partners when we wrote The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure. Contrary to a lot of myths, the rectum (the last several inches of the digestive system) isn’t a “holding tank.” In general, there won’t be much there until you have that “gotta go to the bathroom” feeling. If your diet doesn’t have enough fiber or if you take a medication that affects your digestion, there might be a small amount left behind, but it’s easy to take care of that with an enema.
Enemas aren’t hard to do, but there are some tips for making them work better. Check out this page on our website for some suggestions. And of course, we have lots more to offer in the book.
Q: As you speak to audiences about your book, what questions/ concerns/ stories keep coming up for our older age group?
CG: It varies a lot. Many older men have come to see how stereotypical definitions of masculinity are holding them back in their lives and are ready to explore new ways of defining who they are. These guys are often more willing to explore anal play and prostate pleasure without letting those notions get in the way. On the other hand, other men are still very locked into these beliefs, which often keeps them from discovering how much fun prostate play can be. So we hear stories from both ends of that spectrum.
Q: I imagine you also encounter negativity from some. What keeps you going?
CG: Knowing that right now, somebody is having a great time because of our book is a huge inspiration. I don’t think anything works for everyone, so the fact that there are some negative responses isn’t a big deal. I know how many people we’ve reached and who have told us that the book has changed their sex lives. And that’s amazing.
Charlie Glickman PhD is a sexuality speaker, trainer, writer, blogger, and coach. He’s certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, and has been working in this field for over 20 years. His areas of focus include sex & shame, sex-positivity, queer issues, masculinity & gender, communities of erotic affiliation, and many sexual & relationship practices. Charlie is the co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners. Find out more about him at www.charlieglickman.com or on Twitter and Facebook.
The Ageless Erotica Revolution by Donna George Storey
Behind every story, there’s a story (and, in this case, a “Storey.”) Donna George Storey, who wrote “Invitation to Lunch” for Ageless Erotica, shares what it meant to her to contribute to Ageless Erotica, and her insights about the importance of this anthology.– Joan
I’ve been publishing erotic fiction for over 15 years, but “Invitation to Lunch,” my maiden erotic memoir that appears in Ageless Erotica, is one is one of the most satisfying pieces I’ve ever written.
Why? Because it has given me the chance to tell the truth about enjoyable sex between two 50-something people who’ve been married for 27 years.
On the face of it, what’s the big deal? All memoirs describe real experiences. Yet a careful look at the portrayal of sexuality in our culture shows that positive descriptions of mature sexuality are extremely rare. I’ve been hesitant to try it myself. Without question, Ageless Erotica will help redress that lack.
However, I believe the impact of this book is even more revolutionary. By busting apart the myths about sexuality for older people, we question the stereotypes that hinder us at every age. Writing erotica is all about steamy images and sensibilities, so I consider it a professional duty to pay attention to the media’s presentation of sex. I see three major “acceptable,” but limiting, ways to discuss sexuality today.
- The most ubiquitous: idealized visual images of gorgeous models and actors in advertisements, Hollywood movies and pornography. These images are invariably tied to consumption of some sort—buy this product and be satisfied like these demi-gods, if only for the moment. How many 20-year-olds can claim to experience the air-brushed,
contrived, and absurdly short encounters so familiar in the visual
media? Even in my supposed nubile prime, I felt compelled to compare
myself to Hollywood perfection and came up lacking. - The “scientific” journalistic report, which tends to focus on social and physical problems, neuroses and diseases. The focus here tends to be on promiscuity in the young and sexual boredom or dysfunction for older married couples.While we’re all curious about the latest sex survey or specialist’s
view of “normal” sexuality, quantitative and expert measures can never
capture the complexity of our unique personal experience. - Erotica and erotic romance, an extremely popular genre. Yet the majority of these stories are fantasies, standing in stark contrast to what we do in our ordinary lives. While there are hardly any positive images of older people enjoying erotic pleasure in this mix, the sad truth is that there are few positive, realistic images for anyone of any age. Erotic stories can be arousing, but there are limitations to consuming someone else’s ideas of what is sexy. Aren’t the most powerful sexual experiences fearlessly created from the heat of our own passion and imagination?
Every time someone has the courage to reveal her genuine experience of sexuality in a way that breaks out of safe cliché, she opens the door for others to speak out and look within to define their own truths. There’s potential for release from all kinds of damaging assumptions about what sex is for real people.
If you don’t have to look like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to have a great sex life, what other lies are restricting us from owning our potential? Do married couples have to grow bored with each other? Must sexy feelings fade after menopause? Is passionate love beyond our reach after 30? Is dewy innocence really sexier than knowing who you are and exactly what you want in bed? Indeed, since we all hope to live long, rewarding lives, what could be more encouraging than reassurance from wise, experienced lovers that great pleasure lies ahead for as long as we desire it?
In “Invitation to Lunch,” the couple—my husband and I—play out the woman’s fantasy of being watched while they make love. It’s probably no surprise that an erotic writer is attracted to the forbidden fantasies of her sexuality being seen and accepted by others. I realize now that this is what Ageless Erotica means to me: seeing and celebrating the honest erotic experiences of all lovers whatever their age, appearance or sexual preference. Let the new sexual revolution begin!
Donna George Storey is the author of Amorous Woman, asemi-autobiographical tale of an American woman’s love affair with Japan. Her
fiction and essays have appeared in numerous places including Fourth Genre, The
Gettysburg Review, Prairie Schooner, Penthouse, Best American Erotica, and The Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica. Read
more at www.DonnaGeorgeStorey.com. Her story in Ageless Erotica, “By Invitation Only,” is based on a recent
lunchtime interlude with her husband of 25 years. Their motto is “you never
stop learning” — especially when it comes to pleasure.
