Kegel Magic: Pelvic Floor Shape-Up For Better Sex
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| Diagram from Wikipedia |
January is “shape-up” month, with every lifestyle magazine and website proclaiming a new exercise program.
I’ve got a shape-up program for you, too, and though it’s a muscle workout, you won’t see the results in the mirror or show them off to your friends — except for intimate friends — and then the results will be felt, not seen.
This workout strengthens the muscles of your pelvic floor — the “PC” (pubococcygeus) muscles that run along the pelvic floor and surround the entire vagina. These are the muscles that contract during orgasm.
Regular pelvic floor workouts, AKA Kegel exercises, lead to more enjoyable sex: easier arousal, stronger orgasms, more pleasure. If that’s not enough, strengthening the pelvic floor muscles also protects against urinary incontinence. (Ah, now I have your attention!)
You’ve been told, “Do your Kegels,” but you haven’t been told how to do them most effectively. Here are step-by-step instructions for your pelvic floor workout, thanks to Myrtle Wilhite, MD, MS and staff of A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center in Madison, Wisconsin:
Step-by-Step Kegels1. Lie down on your back in a comfortable place with your knees bent. Lying down takes the weight off your pelvic floor and leads to earlier success. Have your tool (if you are using one) and lubricant with you.
- If you’re using a tool, coat it with lubricant and insert it into your vagina until it comfortably slips into place just behind the pubic bone. You can’t push it in too far; it cannot get lost inside of you.
- If you’re using your finger(s), wash your hands first, then coat your finger(s) with lubricant. Next, insert your finger(s) about 2 inches into your vagina.
- You can also practice Kegels with nothing at all inside your vagina, or a hand placed on your perineum, to feel the muscle contract from the outside.
2. Contract your pelvic floor muscles. It will feel like you’re pulling up and in toward your belly button. Don’t push out, unless specifically advised by a health care provider. If you’re using a tool, you should feel it rise a bit. If you’re using your finger, you should feel a gentle tightening around the finger. Try to keep your leg, buttock, and abdominal muscles relaxed, and remember to breathe normally throughout the exercise.
3. Hold the lift for a count of 5. If you’re using a tool, you can add resistance by pulling gently on it as you continue using your muscles to pull the tool inward and upward. Remember to breathe!
4. Relax your muscles.
5. IMPORTANT: After each contraction, take a deep belly breath. Inhale deeply and gently blow out the air while you relax your pelvis completely. This deep relaxation is just as important as the other steps, because the deep belly breath relaxes the muscles that are not under your conscious control.
For much more about Kegels from A Woman’s Touch, click here.
The deep relaxation phase is often omitted when we’re told how to do our Kegels, but they’re as important to practice as the contraction. Many women of our age, especially after a period of celibacy, experience what feels like tightening or shrinking of the vaginal opening because the muscles don’t fully release. This can interfere with our enjoyment of penetrative sex.
“Pay equal attention to the contraction and the relaxation of the muscles that surround the vagina in particular,” says sex educator and counselor Ellen Barnard, MSSW, co-owner of A Woman’s Touch. “Otherwise you may find that these muscles are stiff and inflexible, which will also get in the way of comfortable penetration when you are ready to have it.”
You can practice with your own fingers, a partner’s fingers or penis (fun for both of you!), or a sex product designed for vaginal penetration (that’s the “tool” mentioned above) such as a dildo, dilator, or a special Kegel exerciser.
You can also practice your Kegels without tools or fingers, even on the go: standing in the grocery line, driving, walking, working at your desk, during your Pilates, yoga, or dance class. If you’re doing them in public, be sure you’ve mastered the part about not contracting your buttocks, or anyone standing behind you will see what you’re doing!
Although I’ve directed this article to women, Kegels are also important for men. These muscles located in the perineum, the area between the scrotum and the anus, contract during a man’s orgasm. Kegels can make sex more pleasurable for men with age-related, less intense orgasms.
“By strengthening the muscles of the perineum, you will pump more blood to this vital area, achieve greater ejaculatory control, and increase the intensity of your orgasms,” says urologist Dudley S. Danoff, MD, FACS, author of Penis Power: The Ultimate Guide to Male Sexual Health. (Read my interview with Dr. Danoff here.)
Kegels are recommended for all ages, and they’re especially important for Boomers now and through our later years.
Kegels can be fun as well as useful. Though there’s nothing sexual about the pelvic floor exercises per se, there’s nothing to stop you from pleasuring yourself or your partner while you do them, or right afterwards!
(This post first appeared 12/28/12 on the Post50 channel of The Huffington Post here.)
Please read the companion piece to this one: Kegel Exercise “Tools” for Better Sex to learn about cool tools that will make your Kegels lots of fun.
FC2: New Female Condom
FC2 Female Condoms Guest blog by David Pittle, Ph.D
Amy, a client of mine, reported, “The condom broke!” twice within a week. I assumed that her boyfriend must not know how to use a condom properly, because condoms rarely break when used properly. He must have been using oil-based lubricant, stretching the condom beyond its limits, putting it on without leave a reservoir space for the ejaculate, or using expired condoms.
Now all of that is teachable, but the boyfriend was not my client.I wanted to put the process in Amy’s hands. Years ago, I knew about the “female condom.” The original female condom never got much acceptance. As Joan Price wrote, “It was like having sex in a shower curtain.”
But the new FC2, second generation of female condom, is a different experience and a great improvement. It is soft and pliable, very easy to use, and made of nitrile, like today’s medical exam gloves.
The FC2 condom has many advantages. It . . .
- Is very comfortable
- Is not constricting
- Feels good to both the man and the woman
- Warms to the temperature of the body, or more specifically, to the vagina
- Can be put on hours before intercourse
- Can be left in after ejaculation
- Is impervious to oil-based lubricants
- Is easy to insert
- Aids in stimulating the clitoris for some women.
But the most important advantage from the woman’s point of view. . .
- It is under control of the woman before she gets involved in the passion of sexual arousal.
The female condom is easy to use. Insertion can be made a part of foreplay. Some couples make that part of their ritual. It is very hot for him to do the insertion—under her direction.
As we men age, our erectile response may become weaker or take longer. One of the great things about the FC2 is that the man can insert a flaccid penis before working up to an erection.
Strictly speaking, the FC2 is not a male sex toy, but it really can be. A man can use it, and I have, by himself, and find the sensations very pleasurable. One can’t say this about the standard male condom. This is not a minor issue.
When the FC2 female condom was introduced, it was pricey, but the cost has dropped. It’s still more than a male condom, but not enough to be a problem.
Most drug stores still don’t carry the FC2 in stock, but Walgreens does, and others will follow as the FC2 gets more popular. They can also be purchased on-line from many vendors including Amazon.
Make the effort to buy the female condom, FC2, and try it. The FC2 is an excellent help in pleasuring ourselves and our partner while we protect our sexual health. You may never want to go back to the male condom—or, of course, to unprotected sex.
David M. Pittle, Ph.D., is a therapist in San Rafael, CA, who has been helping people
with sexual issues for over thirty years. Many of his clients are age 50-80,
when good sex is important, and dissatisfaction may lead to loss of shared
intimacy that can threaten the total relationship. David specializes in helping
women who are not experiencing sexual satisfaction and men with non-medical and
medically-related erectile dysfunction or other issues. Visit his website here.
Please see Dr. Pittle’s reviews on this blog of Hitachi Magic Wand , Vacuum Erection Devices, and Tenga Egg.
(I am sad to tell you that my friend, sex therapist David Pittle died December 2017. We value his sex toy reviews. Read his other reviews here.)
He Danced into My Heart: Memories and Reflections
Tomorrow, December 11, is the 12-year anniversary of the day that I met
Robert Rice and my life — personal and professional — flipped itself
upside down. Robert walked into the line dance class I was teaching, and I tried to remember to breathe.
It was lust at first sight… on my part. He, I learned later, was just looking for a new place to dance.
I didn’t know that night that I’d fall in love with this man. I only knew that his blue eyes and warm smile melted my world, and I had a sudden urge (which I resisted) to touch the chest hair that peeked from the V of his shirt. When he started to roll his hips, revealing a lifetime of dance and a self-assurance in his 64-year-old dancer’s body, I felt my own hips strain to match his rhythm. I kept forgetting the steps to the dance I was teaching.
It took nine months before I finally caressed that chest hair and our hips matched rhythm horizontally instead of vertically. I, whose motto had been “the only problem with instant gratification is that it takes too long,” pursued a man who didn’t believe in rushing anything. (Our complete story is in my first book about senior sex: Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.)
I lost Robert to cancer on August 2, 2008 — exactly seven years after our first kiss.
Today, I made myself coffee in the coffee pot that he had used, held my cup to my cheek as he had done. I thought of the post I had written in 2010 — “I’m Going to Make You Coffee….”
I thought first that I would republish that post today. But another two-plus years have passed since I wrote that. As strong as the memories are still, and as freely as the tears flow at those memories, my grief has more layers of time cushioning it. The grief isn’t so raw and I’m not powerless or joyless from it. It still floods over me, but not all the time, and when it does, I know how to swim to the top and breathe again. My muscles are strong from practice.
For those of you who have lost a loved one, I think it’s important to share this with you: It does get easier. We all proceed in our own time frame. There’s no “right” amount of time to grieve, and anyone who tells you, “you should be over it by now” should be educated (first I wrote “pilloried,” but I changed my mind).
I’ve also learned that we can move forward and hold onto the memories at the same time. I’m listed with three online dating sites, and I’m enthusiastic about welcoming male company into my life. I still miss Robert every day. I am not looking to replace him — couldn’t be done even if I wanted to, and I don’t want to. Any new man I get involved with will have to accept that I’m not going to take Robert’s paintings off the wall or hide the urn that holds his ashes.
I’m 69 — I bring my whole lifetime of experiences with me into whatever path I take next. That includes my memories of the man who taught me how richly I could love and be loved.
Crave Duet: a most unusual vibrator
The Crave Duet completely surprised me! I had seen photos of this unusual clitoral vibrator and read reviews, so I thought I’d like it — but I had no idea I’d love it.I originally planned to include it in my holiday gift guide 2012, but after testing it, I knew the Crave Duet deserved a complete review.The two-prong shape is the most unique quality of this delightful little vibrator. The dual motor makes each prong vibrate independently, and when the prongs surround your clitoris, it’s a wild sensation indeed!
If you like strong, pinpoint pressure on your clitoris, you can pinch your clit with the prongs — they open and close a little bit (do not force it to open more than pinky-width) — if that’s what you like.
Or, to stimulate a larger area and not pinch anything, you can nest it horizontally between your labia so that the prongs surround your clitoris and hug much of the vulva. This worked for me! This would also work during partner penetration when your clit needs an extra assist.
The Duet is also unusual because it charges via your UBS port. Pull apart the silver part from the silicone, plug the USB in, press the center
button, and Duet recharges in an hour or two. No cords or batteries needed ever.You
can buy a version of the Duet that acts as a real flash drive, too, but why
bother? Do you really need to carry your work files in your vibrator?
Before I tried the Duet myself, I read some early reviews. Some reviewers said they wanted to love the Duet, but they didn’t because it either wasn’t strong enough or, because the prong tips were practically touching, they pinched their clits uncomfortably in the normal position.
Crave listened to reviewers and customers and resolved these problems admirably in the second generation Duet. Now there’s an extra-strong “turbo” setting — which is strong enough even for me! The shape has been redesigned with a wider gap, so it hugs instead of pinches, unless you intentionally close the gap. (Anyone who bought the first generation may receive a free replacement — now that’s customer service.)
One con: The controls at the end of the shiny part are impossible to distinguish unless you’re peering at them up close with your reading glasses on. The middle one is obvious: press for off, on, or to change patterns. But the “+” and “-” are easily confused, and you don’t want to turn it down when you intend to turn it up.
My suggestion: Start with it on the highest “+” setting you might want, and leave it there, adjusting sensation by pressure. Either that or memorize which side the “+” button is on before you get started.
I don’t usually discuss packaging in my sex toy reviews — it’s usually a “who cares?” aspect of a product. But the Crave packaging is laudable: instead of a big box with lots of plastic around the product, the Duet arrives in a tiny cardboard box, with a “quick start guide” printed right on the box.
A more detailed user’s guide is online, and the URL is engraved on a tiny charm. The charm idea is cute but silly, because you can’t attach the charm to the zipper pull of the case (I tried). So you’ll probably just lose it unless you wear it on a chain as statement jewelry or put it on a key ring.
The Crave Duet comes with a slim, discreet storage case that you can fit in a purse, pocket, or laptop carrier, making the Duet easy to carry with you should the need arise before you get home (nothing’s that urgent for me these days, but your urges may vary!) or in case you anticipate an interesting date. I’ll definitely carry the Duet on my next trip!
The business end of the Duet is silicone, so be sure to use water-based lubricant with it — not silicone lube. The whole thing is waterproof — just be careful that it’s all the way closed so the seam is sealed before taking it into the tub with you or washing it. It’s also very quiet!
I hope you’ll try the Crave Duet and let me know if you enjoy it as much as I do. Happy buzzing!
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