Kissing Scars by Tch
Note from Joan: “Tch,” who is in his early 80s, sent me this with permission to share it with you. I love his attitude, his ability to adapt, and his dedication to sexual pleasure for his partner(s) as well as himself. May we all grow old with this zest and wisdom!
I’m old. Over the last few years that has become more and more obvious to me.
I don’t regret getting old. I’ve had a really good time getting here.
And life is still good.
If you are old like me, you have likely noticed the signs. Scars on both knees filled with titanium, a missing molar, thinner skin, sags. I told my urologist the other day that my penis seemed a little blotchy. He smiled and ran his hand down my leg and said, “Looks a lot like the rest of your skin.”
My reason for seeing him was to check on my penile implant which makes my blotchy penis do what it used to do on its own. Another scar where the implant was inserted. I fondly remember the days when “waiting” to cum used to take a Herculean effort. Now, the reverse is true.
Let me tell you a little about scars.
They are the price we pay for the experiences of life, good and bad. I don’t begrudge for a minute the titanium knees. The original set carried me faithfully through many a tennis match, hikes into the wilderness, scuba in the depths, farming, building, carrying grandchildren, life.
I have noticed that some my age try to hide their scars and other non-youthful signs. “Cover up” is often the motto of the day. And so, many older people miss out on the beauty of getting older.
I am so much better at pleasing a woman at my age than I ever was as a young or middle-aged man.
What used to be a 15-minute rush (exaggerating a bit on the high side) is now a lovely hour or more with time to spend on all those places that used to be missed in the urgency.
My wife and I are swingers. We are in our early eighties. We have really good sex with each other and with other couples when we and they choose. Younger people might imagine that we can’t possibly be as enthusiastic about sex as they are. They should be excused for their inexperience.
What some of us older folks know
Scars got us where we are. They are not repulsive, but endearing. Scars of childbirth and life saving surgeries, reconstructed breasts, blotchy skin, and too many pounds all come with age. They can all be the path to intimacy beyond what youth can know. Kissing a scar can lead to trust and understanding that only the old can fully appreciate.
Please allow yourself the recognition that great sex, at any age, is about sharing, touching, giving, honoring, and loving. When you share those with your partner, scars and imperfections are paths to sexual intimacy.
The “Ick Factor”: 2006 vs 2023 Sexuality and Ageism
graphic by Queer Majority
“It’s important to realize that the Ick Factor doesn’t just hurt seniors who might read Yahoo comments or overhear a joke or criticism. It hurts anyone of any age who believes that sex is just for the young. I’m here from the Land of Old to tell you that if you disparage older-age sexuality and close your mind to aging with zest and spice, this attitude hurts you. We’re not old, expendable excuses for human beings: we’re you in a few decades.”
Graphic by Queer Majority
I’m super proud of “Senior Sex: Yes, Old People Get It On, Too,” which I wrote for Queer Majority. I hope you’ll read and share it. I talk about the Ick Factor, the attitude of much of our society that the idea of older people enjoying sex is ludicrous, disgusting, icky. I’ve been fighting that attitude since I started doing this work in 2005. Every time I think that people have grown to accept older age sexuality — after all, if we’re lucky, we’ll all get old! — I’m blindsided by proof that the Ick Factor is alive and thriving. In this case, it was encountering horrible comments on a lovely, age-positive, sex-positive Yahoo News article. I hope you’ll be as appalled as I was when you read them.
I’d like to tell you about an earlier example of the Ick Factor.
Joan on ABC Nightline
It started splendidly on Dec. 1, 2006, when I was interviewed by ABC Nightline for a segment on senior sex and dating. The segment went beautifully. After it aired, my website traffic tripled; my blog traffic quadrupled. I was exhilarated! Hurray, senior sex is discussed on network TV and people want to know more!
Then on Dec. 5, 2006, two satellite radio shock jocks – I’d rather not give them the publicity of naming them – got wind of the topic and read ABC’s synopsis of the show aloud, punctuating their reading with “eeewwwww” and lewd comments. When they learned that I had a blog about, in their words, “old people having sex,” they were totally disgusted. They tracked down what they called the “old lady sex blog,” reading my blog posts aloud for 11 minutes, making even lewder and viler comments as they read. They made fun of a male reader who wrote me his personal story of trying to have sex with a new woman after divorce, prostate cancer, and Viagra, for example, saying about him, “Emasculated nothing!…”Stinks in bed!…C’mon old puddin’ prostate!”
More samples of their comments:
- “Disgusting whore of a granny!”
- “You want to have a sex life? Check yourself into a home and lie face down as the orderly makes his rounds in the morning.”
- “Wear a condom, I don’t want to get Alzheimer’s!”
- “Break her hip!”
Meanwhile, their fans, who ran a message board about the show, also located my blog and started visiting it and posting comments. I foolishly had not set up a moderation requirement at that time, and people were free to comment at will. I opened my computer that day to find 40+ ageist, racist, sexist, and otherwise just plain vile comments. For example, they wrote what they’d like to do to Granny – in what position and with what force – before pushing her down the stairs. I spent the afternoon finding and deleting the horror show.
What does this kind of behavior indicate about our society? Why is it that ageist stereotypes are just fine, old people are acceptable targets, and all of us past middle age are supposed to retire our sex drive and need for intimacy and just settle into… what? … just being “old”?
Many thanks to Queer Majority for helping me turn this attitude around and fight the Ick Factor in 2023. Will you join us? I invite your comments (moderated, just so you know).
Saying “No” with Class: Rejections I’ve Liked
1/16/2023 update: One of my ongoing tasks is culling my 17+ years (!) of blog posts. Working backwards from 2005, I’m working on deleting those that are outdated, no longer interesting or useful, reviews of sex toys that no longer exist or from companies I no longer endorse, and so on.
Occasionally, though, I hit upon a topic that is as relevant now as when I wrote it, such as this one from 2011. If you’ve been rejected by a date or potential date — or done the rejecting — in a way that’s kind and respectful, please share in the comments.
Originally published January 2011:
My dabbling in online dating continues to be interesting, often funny, sometimes frustrating when the dating sites seem to ignore my criteria when announcing with great fanfare that they’ve found a match for me.
I’m going into this to expand my social life and meet good men who might become friends, or provide an hour of interesting conversation, or stimulate me to pursue a deeper relationship — or just remind me why I enjoy my single life. I’m not earnestly seeking a soul mate or looking to get married. This gives me the advantage of being able to take this whole process lightly, and my day is not ruined by a rejection or by the paucity of applause-inducing matches.
Sometimes I read a profile that leaves me saying, “Wow! I’d like to know this person!” and I send an e-note expressing why his profile interested me. Occasionally my interest is returned, but that’s rare (I’m not sure why). Usually I’m ignored. I really like it, though, when the recipient of my interest sends me a polite “No, thank you.”
To encourage you to do this, here are some of the nice ways I’ve been turned down:
- Thanks for the note and kind comments. My age range is general, like any sensible man would say, but it can be a factor. Equally, if not more, important, is the geographic range. While I know that your city is not on the other side of the moon [comment from Joan: we live about 40 mi. apart], it is too far for me at this point of this odd online dating process. I have tried the long distance relationship a few times, and each time, it proved too much the struggle. So, thanks for reaching out, and I wish you the best.
-
I am so honored that you would send me an email. You look and sound like a delightful woman, and I enjoyed reading your profile. However, as flattered as I am by your contact, it’s my strong hunch that we’re really not a match. So, let me send you my best wishes for meeting your match.
- Actually, I am looking for a soul-mate. Dating and friendship is fine, but I would like to “go all the way” as it were. About four years ago, I dated a woman who had lost her husband and I thought we were a pretty good fit, but she loved her husband very much and had no room for me. You seem like a smart and interesting person, and I could be making a mistake, but somehow I feel that we aren’t a good fit either. You may be right in looking for a widower. Thanks for writing me.
- Thank you for the contact and the nice words. I am in a process of transition, learning to listen to myself and find out what I am looking for at this juncture in my life. You seem like a beautiful and interesting person. However at this point I don’t feel that we would be a good match for dating. I send my heartfelt wishes to you to find the person and love that you seek and deserve.
Readers: Have you received “no, thank you” notes that made you smile instead of cringe? Have you sent any you’d like to share? Please comment.
Body Kisses by Gender X: review by Shamus MacDuff
If you’re a penis owner, do you enjoy blow jobs? Do you like to lie back and let someone/ something else pleasure you? If so, you need to meet Body Kisses, a new Gender X toy sold by Betty’s Toy Box. Gender X describes it as a “vibrating suction stroker and humping toy.” It functions nicely as a penis toy! It is a fun and handy toy for senior penis owners, especially, because a hard erection is not required to enjoy it fully.
Body Kisses has a “mouth” not quite an inch wide and stretchy that opens into a 2-inch deep chamber. Insert the head of your penis—flaccid or erect—and engage the easy-to-use controls atop the toy. One button turns it on and off and changes the three speeds and four patterns. The other button triggers the suction mechanism so that air is removed and the “mouth” grips your member. By clever design the vibrating function and the sucking function can operate together or separately.
Start flaccid. Usually, I begin using Body Kisses by inserting my flaccid penis head. That’s because I find that once I’m completely erect, it takes lube and quite a bit of pushing to get my penis inside the toy’s chamber. The same is true for the Fun Factory Rainbow Amor dildo with a 1.5 inch diameter. Lube is essential for girthier insertions.
While we’re playing with dildos, the slender Fun Factory Limba Flex S (1.1 inch diameter) and the gorgeous Subana Sweetheart Glass Dildo (1.26 inch diameter) from England had an easy time sliding into the Body Kisses.
Back to me and my pleasure. My favorite way to play solo with Body Kisses is first to trigger the suction mode so that the slightly-under-half-a-pound toy clings to and hangs down from my penis. Then, while it’s just sucking, I increase the speed and alternate the patterns. As my erection rises I add the vibrating function to the sucking function so that both are at work. Finally, with the fully activated toy dangling between my legs, the external humping area buzzes my testicles while the sucking and vibrating “mouth” brings me to a climax.
Body Kisses is made of silicone and is splash proof but not immersible. It’s relatively quiet, and it is easy to hold and manipulate. Body Kisses is rechargeable with a magnetic USB cable provided. A minimal instruction sheet is included along with a 5-year warranty card. The packaging is spartan—a thin cardboard box containing a flimsy plastic holder for the toy and cable. I wished that it came with a cloth carrying bag.
This was odd. I was puzzled to discover that after cleaning and (I thought) drying the toy, water and toy cleaner bubbled out of the small hole on the side the next time I used it. I learned to avoid this by operating the vibrating function during the cleaning process until all fluids were emptied from the toy’s cavity. Gender X should have explained this issue on the instruction sheet.
What is Gender X? In November 2021, Evolved Novelties launched Gender X, a new line of sex toys that moves away from traditional gender-specific marketing. Under the motto “universal imagination,” Gender X wants us to discover our own pleasures from any specific toy. Their idea is for the possibilities of gender-neutral sex toys to be user-driven and open-ended.
I was curious about the name they’d chosen for the toy, so in the spirit of user-driven universal imagination, I first applied it to various sensitive body parts that like to be kissed. But it didn’t “kiss” my nipples, scrotum, or inner thigh, even when I applied lube around the rim of its suction hole to see if that created a seal. My cis-female partner did not find either the suction or the “hump” particularly stimulating on any of her erogenous body parts. Fortunately, using Body Kisses on my penis proved an excellent choice!
Many thanks to Betty’s Toy Box for sending Body Kisses for an honest review it. My pleasure!
Betty’s Toy Box offers 10% off all products to Joan’s blog readers with coupon code JOAN10 – check out Betty’s many fine products.
Oct. 15, 2023 update:
In January 2023, Joan Price permitted me to review Body Kisses. The toy was pregnant with possibilities, and 9 months later I can now report on a full term delivery. It is my go-to toy, bar none, for solo penis pleasure. Here are some exciting ways I use Body Kisses:
- Like most people I have very sensitive nipples. Body Kisses provides hands-free penis pleasure, allowing me to manually stimulate my nipples simultaneously. That combination always brings me to orgasm.
- Turn on the toy, then double click to turn on the suction mechanism without using any speed or pattern. Return to the on/off-speed-and-pattern button and find those that give you the most pleasure.
- My own favorite is to work through the 3 speeds while the toy dangles between my legs, exciting my scrotum. Alternatively, it’s also thrilling to coordinate the separate patterns in the suction mechanism with those in the speed-and-pattern mechanism for a rollicking good time. Identify your own pleasure pattern, lean back, and enjoy!
—Shamus MacDuff, age 80, was oblivious to the delights of sex toys for penises until about 6 years ago. He’s been making up for lost time! Read his other posts here at https://joanprice.com/tag/shamus-macduff
