Restless Vagina Syndrome?
“‘Restless Vagina Syndrome’: Big Pharma’s Newest Fake Disease” by Terry J. Allen discusses the attempt to medicalize women’s sexuality as if we were men with faulty functioning who need fixing. Allen, senior editor of In These Times, writes,
It’s not your fault, ladies (and certainly not your partner’s), that you don’t orgasm every time you have intercourse, or that you lack the libido of a 17-year-old boy. You have a disease: female sexual dysfunction (FSD), and the pharmaceutical industry wants to help.
You are among the “43 percent of American women [who] experience some degree of impaired sexual function,” according to a Journal of the American Medical Association article. The FDA’s evolving definition of FSD includes decreased desire or arousal, sexual pain and orgasm difficulties—but only if the woman feels “personal distress” about it.
So, convincing women to feel distress is a key component of the drug company strategy to market a multi-billion-dollar pill that will cure billions of women of what may not ail them.
Allen goes on to describe the big pharmaceutical companies’ attempts to define women’s sexuality as men’s sexuality gone awry — we should get turned on easily and have mind-blowing orgasms every time — and their failed attempts (so far) to give us instant arousal and explosive orgasms with drugs. She discusses several drugs and how they have not turned out to be helpful to women.
I agree that we’re not defective men, and we absolutely should not fall for attempts to medicalize what might be perfectly normal. I encourage you to read Allen’s article in full. (I itched to retitle it “Restless Clitoris Syndrome,” however!)
On the other side, I hear from enough unhappy women (and men) to assert that we often DO have medical reasons that our sex functioning isn’t working the way we want, especially as we age. I encourage both women and men who are experiencing changes in their desire and/or ability to get aroused and experience orgasm to see a trusted medical professional. It’s important to learn whether there’s a medical reason for the change and to explore treatment options, if so. The right hormonal treatment, or a change in other medications that are affecting our sexual response, can make an enormous difference in our enjoyment of our sexuality.
If the change is due to psychological and/or relationship issues, then a counselor or sex therapist can make the difference between a dissatisfying or non-existent sex life and a richly rewarding one.
Doing nothing about an unhappy sex life only insures that it will remain the same or worsen.
Roger, 32: how to talk to older woman on train?
Two years ago, Roger, age 32, took the subway to his job everyday. He was attracted to a woman he guessed to be in her fifties who took the same train. “We used to flirt,” he writes me, “Which was easy to do on a crowded train with a lot of bumps and turns, especially when we stood/sat shoulder to shoulder.”
They never spoke a word but always found themselves next to each other for the trip. “In such public places it was hard to approach and communicate and the attraction never went beyond that,” he writes. “I’m sure we were both hesitant because of the age difference. Also, I was a virgin at the time and somewhat timid.” (He has since had sex — once! — with a woman his age.)
Then he left that job and no longer took that train. However, two years later, he is working downtown again, and he writes:
The dance on the subway has once again begun. Aside from the physical attraction, we seem to have a genuine interest in each other and I feel like I’m mature enough for her. I’d like to get to know her, but I don’t know how to gauge her interest in getting to know me.
Is she looking for a relationship? Am I? If we’re both looking for mostly intimacy, is that ok? I’m concerned about being seen in public, but how do I know if she would also want to keep it discreet?
I know the first step is to talk to her, but I don’t know how. Do I talk to her on the subway, or might that make her uncomfortable? Should I slip her a note? I only had sex with my girlfriend once and found it mediocre. I’ll admit I’m very attracted to this woman and love the idea of her ‘teaching me’ but I’m worried that she’s interested in much more and would think I just want sex. Any advice you can get will be greatly appreciated.
I don’t think you could manage to find yourselves shoulder-to-shoulder every day on the way to work if she weren’t as interested as you are. The way to talk to her is, well, simply to talk to her!
You could start by bringing up the coincidence that you’re taking the same train again, two years after you “met.” It almost doesn’t matter what you say first, just talk to her. If you need an opening line, how about “It’s the high point of my day when you’re on the same train. You must work downtown, too.”
One point you make is a red flag for me. You worry about being seen in public. Why ever would that be an issue? If you’d be ashamed or embarrassed to be seen with her, then please, for her sake, don’t approach her at all.
It’s one thing to hope for an intimate, no strings relationship where she “teaches” you — a young man’s fantasy that can come true! But it’s another to be worrying about hiding the relationship before it even exists.
Roger, you seem like a very nice young man, but I don’t think you can claim “maturity” as your best asset — not because of your age, but because you’re so shy about saying a word to this woman. Get to know her. Let her get to know you.
If she’s interested in just taking you to bed and then switching trains and never seeing you again, she’ll take that initiative. But if she’ll find you interesting, funny, or sweet, then do open your mouth and let her know who you are.
Otherwise the years could roll by along with the train.
Teaching counseling students about older adults & sex
Update 10/20: Wonderful experience talking to counseling students yesterday at San Francisco State with fabulous instructor Rebekah Skoor. Once the counselors-in-training realized I really would discuss anything they asked, we covered an array of topics about ageless sexuality, many of them very personal. They were also interested in understanding grief after loss of a spouse, and I talked openly about that, too. It was beautiful to be in a crowded room of mostly young people who were eager to understand and support the older person’s experience. I came away with more ideas about topics I’ll want to bring into focus in my new book, Naked At Our Age.
I’ve been invited to speak about sex & aging to graduate students of counseling at San Francisco State University in their one-and-only sexuality course. When the instructor, Rebekah Skoor, invited me, she told me, “This class has historically skipped over the lives of older adults in the curriculum and I am working to correct this critical oversight.” Kudos!
I want to help these future counselors understand senior sexuality, and also help them understand how to talk about it with clients who may be three times their age. Would you help me by commenting here about how you would like a counselor to talk to you about sex, and what issues you’d like help bringing up in the first place? Specifically, please comment on any or all of these questions:
What issues in your sex life — or, perhaps, lack of sex life — would you like a counselor to help you resolve?
How difficult would it be to speak to a younger counselor about your sex life?
How could a younger counselor help you feel more comfortable about opening up? Would you like her/him to initiate discussion of sex, or wait for you to bring it up?
What else would you like me to tell these counselors-in-training?
I suspect we’ll get lots of divergent points of view here, and that’s fine. Just because we’re seniors and elders doesn’t mean we feel the same way about anything! I’d like to collect these points of view to share with the counselors-in-training. Please post your comment, or email me and include permission to post it for you.
If you’re one of the students I’ll be talking to at SF State, please add your questions and comments — I’d love to hear from you.
Sex with 92-yr-old man
A 30-something blogger/swinger/ sex worker who calls herself and her blog The Beautiful Kind (“TBK”) posted a two-part story of her sexual adventure with Leonard, a 92-year-old man who hadn’t had sex in 30 years: Robbing the Graveyard and Robbing the Graveyard Update. At first I worried, because of her post titles, that she was making fun of Leonard, but she writes with respect, concern, and kindness.
I won’t give away the ending to this true story, except to say that it’s sad and disturbing. Read the two entries in order. I encourage you to discuss them here once you’ve read it.
Caveat: TBK’s blog lives on the wild and raunchy side, as does TBK herself, so visit with caution if you’re not accustomed to blogs that are more explicitly sexual than this one. If this caveat makes you laugh rather than wince, go for it!