Roger, 32: how to talk to older woman on train?
Two years ago, Roger, age 32, took the subway to his job everyday. He was attracted to a woman he guessed to be in her fifties who took the same train. “We used to flirt,” he writes me, “Which was easy to do on a crowded train with a lot of bumps and turns, especially when we stood/sat shoulder to shoulder.”
They never spoke a word but always found themselves next to each other for the trip. “In such public places it was hard to approach and communicate and the attraction never went beyond that,” he writes. “I’m sure we were both hesitant because of the age difference. Also, I was a virgin at the time and somewhat timid.” (He has since had sex — once! — with a woman his age.)
Then he left that job and no longer took that train. However, two years later, he is working downtown again, and he writes:
The dance on the subway has once again begun. Aside from the physical attraction, we seem to have a genuine interest in each other and I feel like I’m mature enough for her. I’d like to get to know her, but I don’t know how to gauge her interest in getting to know me.
Is she looking for a relationship? Am I? If we’re both looking for mostly intimacy, is that ok? I’m concerned about being seen in public, but how do I know if she would also want to keep it discreet?
I know the first step is to talk to her, but I don’t know how. Do I talk to her on the subway, or might that make her uncomfortable? Should I slip her a note? I only had sex with my girlfriend once and found it mediocre. I’ll admit I’m very attracted to this woman and love the idea of her ‘teaching me’ but I’m worried that she’s interested in much more and would think I just want sex. Any advice you can get will be greatly appreciated.
I don’t think you could manage to find yourselves shoulder-to-shoulder every day on the way to work if she weren’t as interested as you are. The way to talk to her is, well, simply to talk to her!
You could start by bringing up the coincidence that you’re taking the same train again, two years after you “met.” It almost doesn’t matter what you say first, just talk to her. If you need an opening line, how about “It’s the high point of my day when you’re on the same train. You must work downtown, too.”
One point you make is a red flag for me. You worry about being seen in public. Why ever would that be an issue? If you’d be ashamed or embarrassed to be seen with her, then please, for her sake, don’t approach her at all.
It’s one thing to hope for an intimate, no strings relationship where she “teaches” you — a young man’s fantasy that can come true! But it’s another to be worrying about hiding the relationship before it even exists.
Roger, you seem like a very nice young man, but I don’t think you can claim “maturity” as your best asset — not because of your age, but because you’re so shy about saying a word to this woman. Get to know her. Let her get to know you.
If she’s interested in just taking you to bed and then switching trains and never seeing you again, she’ll take that initiative. But if she’ll find you interesting, funny, or sweet, then do open your mouth and let her know who you are.
Otherwise the years could roll by along with the train.
Teaching counseling students about older adults & sex
Update 10/20: Wonderful experience talking to counseling students yesterday at San Francisco State with fabulous instructor Rebekah Skoor. Once the counselors-in-training realized I really would discuss anything they asked, we covered an array of topics about ageless sexuality, many of them very personal. They were also interested in understanding grief after loss of a spouse, and I talked openly about that, too. It was beautiful to be in a crowded room of mostly young people who were eager to understand and support the older person’s experience. I came away with more ideas about topics I’ll want to bring into focus in my new book, Naked At Our Age.
I’ve been invited to speak about sex & aging to graduate students of counseling at San Francisco State University in their one-and-only sexuality course. When the instructor, Rebekah Skoor, invited me, she told me, “This class has historically skipped over the lives of older adults in the curriculum and I am working to correct this critical oversight.” Kudos!
I want to help these future counselors understand senior sexuality, and also help them understand how to talk about it with clients who may be three times their age. Would you help me by commenting here about how you would like a counselor to talk to you about sex, and what issues you’d like help bringing up in the first place? Specifically, please comment on any or all of these questions:
What issues in your sex life — or, perhaps, lack of sex life — would you like a counselor to help you resolve?
How difficult would it be to speak to a younger counselor about your sex life?
How could a younger counselor help you feel more comfortable about opening up? Would you like her/him to initiate discussion of sex, or wait for you to bring it up?
What else would you like me to tell these counselors-in-training?
I suspect we’ll get lots of divergent points of view here, and that’s fine. Just because we’re seniors and elders doesn’t mean we feel the same way about anything! I’d like to collect these points of view to share with the counselors-in-training. Please post your comment, or email me and include permission to post it for you.
If you’re one of the students I’ll be talking to at SF State, please add your questions and comments — I’d love to hear from you.
Sex with 92-yr-old man
A 30-something blogger/swinger/ sex worker who calls herself and her blog The Beautiful Kind (“TBK”) posted a two-part story of her sexual adventure with Leonard, a 92-year-old man who hadn’t had sex in 30 years: Robbing the Graveyard and Robbing the Graveyard Update. At first I worried, because of her post titles, that she was making fun of Leonard, but she writes with respect, concern, and kindness.
I won’t give away the ending to this true story, except to say that it’s sad and disturbing. Read the two entries in order. I encourage you to discuss them here once you’ve read it.
Caveat: TBK’s blog lives on the wild and raunchy side, as does TBK herself, so visit with caution if you’re not accustomed to blogs that are more explicitly sexual than this one. If this caveat makes you laugh rather than wince, go for it!
Hitachi Magic Wand: strong enough for seniors
The Hitachi Magic Wand is exactly that: magic. I discovered its gift-that-keeps-on-giving qualities at least thirty years ago and enjoyed it often. It lasted for decades, but finally its head hardened and a rough ridge appeared, and I had to say goodbye. Thank you, Good Vibrations, for sending me a new Hitachi Magic Wand for review. It’s not just as good as I remembered — at this time of my life, it’s better. I’ve been complaining throughout my vibrator reviews that I wished they were stronger. This one is!
When I used the Magic Wand as a young woman, I remember I had to cushion it with a washcloth to diffuse the sensations and temper the intensity just enough. At age 65 (one month to 66, hardly seems possible), I no longer need the washcloth. The wand is comfortable with just lubricant for cushioning, and the intensity is exactly right for flying to the moon.
I found it hilarious that the instructions that come with the Magic Wand have a diagram with numbers indicating the safe and effective places to “massage” — however the pelvic area is devoid of numbers! I guess we have to number our own….
(FYI, as I proofread this review, I discovered I twice mistyped “Magic Want” instead of “Magic Wand.” Now what does that tell you?)
If you googled “Hitachi Magic Wand review” you’d get 70,000 hits — but I’ll bet this is the only one you’ll read aimed at the senior/elder user. The Hitachi is the best-known (and best-loved) vibrator ever made, but I realize that many women in our age group grew up without sex toys being part of their experience.
Now that we’ve reached our age, an extra boost of intensity is really important for the stimulation our hormone-depleted bodies require to fire. If you haven’t incorporated sex toys into love play — with a partner or solo — I hope you’ll open your mind to it. Simply put, it’s far easier to reach an orgasm with the buzz from a clitoral vibrator than on our own. That’s just fact, at this stage of our lives. If you’re a woman who no longer reaches an orgasm easily — or at all — realize that you can recapture the sensation with some help — a Magic Wand, so to speak. (If you’re new to the idea of sex-toy-assisted stimulation, please read Senior Sex & Vibrators: Myths & Facts.)
Hitachi Magic Wand at GoodVibes.com