Sex after prostate surgery? Anne Katz answers reader’s question
Cancer — not a sexy topic, and not what you’d expect me to write about on Christmas Eve. But cancer knows no seasons and respects no holidays. Maggie, age 62, wrote to me:
Recently, I met a nice guy who after dating for a while, told me that he had surgery for prostate cancer 7 months ago. He went on to tell me all the bad news that the Dr. had told him about side effects. My question is, do you know any where that I can get some straight answers on what we are looking at, possibility wise? The information I have found online so far has been very negative, almost always putting the pressure on the woman if things were going to work or not. He advised me that he would never be able to have an ejaculation & that sex for him would never be the same. I got the idea that he would never feel the pleasure of having a climax again. My fear is that if this is true, what would be the point of him having sex? I am a very sexual woman & would just like to know if there is any chance that there can be a sexual relationship? Any guidance that you could offer would be greatly appreciated.
I sent Maggie’s question to cancer and sexuality specialist, Anne Katz, RN, PhD. Here is her response:
There are a number of possibilities in this situation, some of them good and some of them not so good. Here are the facts:
1. Having surgery for prostate cancer (a radical prostatectomy or complete removal of the prostate gland) will result in significant changes in a man’s ability to have an erection. Depending on what his erections were like before the surgery and the amount of damage done to the nerves responsible for erections during the surgery, the man may be able to have erections after the surgery but he is most likely always going to need some help (from medication like Viagra, Cialis or Levitra). These medications only help about 50% of the time but there are other erectile aids (the vacuum pump or penile injections) that can help too. Some men are able to have an erection but it may not last very long. Some men can only achieve a thickening of the penis and this may not be sufficient for penetration. Progress in regaining erections may continue for up to two years after surgery but what he has at that point is usually as good as it is going to get.
2. Orgasms are still possible, even with a flaccid penis. The orgasm will not be accompanied by ejaculation however (the prostate gland makes the fluid portion of the ejaculate and so when it is gone, so is the emission). Some men report more intense orgasms after this surgery; some say they are much less intense.
3. Libido (or sexual desire) is not affected by removal of the prostate but the mind is a very important part of a man’s sexuality. Repeated failure to have an erection sufficient for penetration may cause him to lose some interest. Although some men just keep on trying and trying and trying – the human spirit is a powerful force and many men retain hope for many years despite little success.
4. Many couples find a way around these difficulties. There are more ways than just penetration for both the man and the woman to achieve orgasm and satisfaction and some creativity goes a long way. This may be challenging for a new relationship. But the lust and attraction in a new relationship may also provide more impetus than a 30 year relationship! There is no right way or wrong way in this; a lot depends on how you want to look at the situation.
5. If you read anything that you feel puts the onus on the woman (or male partner) to fix things, then stop reading! This is a couple’s issue and both partners have to work on finding a solution. Communication is a very important part of sexuality. You should be able to talk openly about what works for him and what doesn’t. You should be able to talk about what you want and what creativity you can both bring to sexual activity. In your letter you state that you “got the idea” – you will have to ask questions and not rely on innuendo to help you understand what is possible and what is not.
New relationships are challenging and exciting and inspiring and joyful. When illness or injury have occurred it puts a lot of pressure on this new partnership. Good luck!
Anne Katz, RN, PhD, is the author of the award-winning text book Breaking the Silence on Cancer and Sexuality
Face in the Mirror & Behind the Bedroom Door: two books you’ll love
I love memoir anthologies, and I have two marvelous ones to recommend to you. Both offer engrossing, well-crafted, personal stories from seasoned writers, many–maybe most–of them our age.
Face in the Mirror: Writers Reflect on Their Dreams of Youth and the Reality of Age,
Sometimes the “face in the mirror” theme is literal: appearance, self-image. Other times these writers look at their upraising, their goals, their career choices, their relationship mistakes. The stark difference between where they thought they were headed and where they actually ended up should be a useful warning to young people fretting about their goals. Whatever you plan won’t work the way you think. And that’s usually a good thing.
Behind the Bedroom Door: Getting It, Giving It, Loving It, Missing It
Some of these essays are sweet, like Hope Edelman’s memory of 15-year-old sex (“Two people touching each other in all the right places, because there were no wrong places then, doing it for no reason other than it felt good and to keep doing it felt even better.”). Some are full of erotic discovery, energy, self-assertion. Some may disturb you, like Abby Sher’s essay about anorexia, cutting and a lover helpless to stop either, and Julie Powell’s essay about her need for rough sex (“D was a perceptive lover, perceptive enough to know before I did that I wanted him to hit me, control me, hurt me.”) All are powerfully written.
If you’re still making gift-giving decisions, you can’t go wrong with one of these books. For other recommended books that I’ve reviewed, click here.
Becka, 70: 3 Men in Photo Finish for her Heart
Becka, our intrepid senior online dating reporter, has met several men now — after rejecting far more. Three men seem to be in a photo finish for her heart, she tells us! Here’s her latest report:
PHOTO FINISH — PART 2
by Becka
I winnowed and winnowed trying to separate the wheat from the chaff and I didn’t even know what chaff was until I read some of the self- descriptions guys put on dating sites. Leo wrote that he was looking for a “soulmate to love forever” and then mentioned that his dog had passed away and “no one can replace that void.” Next!
Alex, 5′ 3” who makes less than $20,000 thought I should know that he “reads women’s magazines to study the opposition.” Next!
Sammy carroled that he wanted “to be Gomez to your Morticia.” Next!
Here’s the winner: said Donald of himself, “I am a smoker, earn under $12,000, drink a little, am passive and submissive and am looking for a woman who will finish the job my mother and sister started when I was a kid of turning me into a full female.” Neeeext!
You will learn an awful lot about yourself on this journey. Some things not so good; other things pretty damn good! I learned I liked a sense of humor but sometimes lacked one myself. It took a while for me to realize that Joe was joking when he wrote, “She must be breathing. If she’s not breathing, the whole deal is off.” Joe became Date No. 1. He does make me laugh and helps me be less uptight.
I also learned I am more of a risk taker than I thought. When Bill would not give any additional information until I revealed something of myself, I complained. He wrote, “Aw, now, why wouldn’t you want some mystery?” Bill became Date No. 2. We met the first time at a local diner and each of us wore something from Star Wars so we’d recognize the other. Okay, so now you know I’m a geek.
I like these men and intend to keep seeing them, but my favorite is Steve, Date No. 3. He is the one who offered to cook for me, massage my feet and “wander through the woods together armed only with a camera.” He suggested meeting at a hiking club event. I felt safe and knew I’d have a good time even if we didn’t hit it off. Smart man!
There are fabulous times to be had with wonderful people! To pull this off you need two senses: “common” and “adventure.” “Sixth” doesn’t hurt either. My three men are in a photo finish for my heart. My advice to you: get going!
Thank you, Becka, for sacrificing so much time in the pursuit of, uh, educating the rest of us! See Becka’s other online dating reports here.
Becka, 70: meeting men on senior dating sites
Becka, our intrepid senior online dating reporter, sent us her evaluation of several online dating sites from the perspective of a senior woman seeking men. As always, her report is both informative and entertaining:
PHOTO FINISH — PART 1
by Becka
Let me paraphrase an old rock n roller: What a short, strange trip it’s been! A jolly, jarring, coo-coo, sweet time I’ve had meeting men on senior dating sites. From boffo to bozo, I’ve met them all – or so it seems. Too many men, too little time, not enough memory.
Eharmony probably has the best setup. They guide you through the process beautifully, with many options, and the vibes inherent in their name appear to attract a higher type of person, male and female. (That would be me, of course.) You will end up spending money unless you’re very lucky — and quick, because most of these dating sites are timed release sites. That means, they won’t release you to a fuller experience unless you are on time with a payment.
AgeMatch is just what it says. If you want a younger man but will stop short of hanging out at the local high school, this is your website. To each his own. One 30-something accepted me with the succinct phrase, “You’ll do.” I was supposed to be flattered. I was not.
On the other hand, a 20-something commented on my picture, “You look like a lovely fairy in the woods.” I was charmed. However, I couldn’t be sure it wasn’t a 10-year old using his dad’s computer.
Surprisingly I got more responses here than I did anywhere else: 67. Sixty-seven men wanted an older woman. Wow. Tell Hollywood! This may be very hopeful to those of you desiring that younger flash and dash. Or maybe youth today is just more tired than we know.
A super-friendly site is seniorchatters. It’s located in the UK, but don’t let that stop you. Plenty of Americans have joined. You get the first two weeks free, which is a plus. You can find both friends and lovers on this site and I began an interesting communication with a woman who lives in Turkey. I thought it would be neat to correspond with someone who has an entirely different life from mine. Keeps your brain alive.
I did end up going out with three men from my area and each one was a lovely person. I’ll share my experiences next time. Life is long and hectic, until you get to be a senior. Then you realize your mistake. It’s actually short and lonely. Why don’t they tell us? Don’t wait!
Thank you, Becka, for sacrificing so much time in the pursuit of, uh, educating the rest of us! See Becka’s other online dating reports here.