Becka, 70: 3 Men in Photo Finish for her Heart
Becka, our intrepid senior online dating reporter, has met several men now — after rejecting far more. Three men seem to be in a photo finish for her heart, she tells us! Here’s her latest report:
PHOTO FINISH — PART 2
by Becka
I winnowed and winnowed trying to separate the wheat from the chaff and I didn’t even know what chaff was until I read some of the self- descriptions guys put on dating sites. Leo wrote that he was looking for a “soulmate to love forever” and then mentioned that his dog had passed away and “no one can replace that void.” Next!
Alex, 5′ 3” who makes less than $20,000 thought I should know that he “reads women’s magazines to study the opposition.” Next!
Sammy carroled that he wanted “to be Gomez to your Morticia.” Next!
Here’s the winner: said Donald of himself, “I am a smoker, earn under $12,000, drink a little, am passive and submissive and am looking for a woman who will finish the job my mother and sister started when I was a kid of turning me into a full female.” Neeeext!
You will learn an awful lot about yourself on this journey. Some things not so good; other things pretty damn good! I learned I liked a sense of humor but sometimes lacked one myself. It took a while for me to realize that Joe was joking when he wrote, “She must be breathing. If she’s not breathing, the whole deal is off.” Joe became Date No. 1. He does make me laugh and helps me be less uptight.
I also learned I am more of a risk taker than I thought. When Bill would not give any additional information until I revealed something of myself, I complained. He wrote, “Aw, now, why wouldn’t you want some mystery?” Bill became Date No. 2. We met the first time at a local diner and each of us wore something from Star Wars so we’d recognize the other. Okay, so now you know I’m a geek.
I like these men and intend to keep seeing them, but my favorite is Steve, Date No. 3. He is the one who offered to cook for me, massage my feet and “wander through the woods together armed only with a camera.” He suggested meeting at a hiking club event. I felt safe and knew I’d have a good time even if we didn’t hit it off. Smart man!
There are fabulous times to be had with wonderful people! To pull this off you need two senses: “common” and “adventure.” “Sixth” doesn’t hurt either. My three men are in a photo finish for my heart. My advice to you: get going!
Thank you, Becka, for sacrificing so much time in the pursuit of, uh, educating the rest of us! See Becka’s other online dating reports here.
Becka, 70: meeting men on senior dating sites
Becka, our intrepid senior online dating reporter, sent us her evaluation of several online dating sites from the perspective of a senior woman seeking men. As always, her report is both informative and entertaining:
PHOTO FINISH — PART 1
by Becka
Let me paraphrase an old rock n roller: What a short, strange trip it’s been! A jolly, jarring, coo-coo, sweet time I’ve had meeting men on senior dating sites. From boffo to bozo, I’ve met them all – or so it seems. Too many men, too little time, not enough memory.
Eharmony probably has the best setup. They guide you through the process beautifully, with many options, and the vibes inherent in their name appear to attract a higher type of person, male and female. (That would be me, of course.) You will end up spending money unless you’re very lucky — and quick, because most of these dating sites are timed release sites. That means, they won’t release you to a fuller experience unless you are on time with a payment.
AgeMatch is just what it says. If you want a younger man but will stop short of hanging out at the local high school, this is your website. To each his own. One 30-something accepted me with the succinct phrase, “You’ll do.” I was supposed to be flattered. I was not.
On the other hand, a 20-something commented on my picture, “You look like a lovely fairy in the woods.” I was charmed. However, I couldn’t be sure it wasn’t a 10-year old using his dad’s computer.
Surprisingly I got more responses here than I did anywhere else: 67. Sixty-seven men wanted an older woman. Wow. Tell Hollywood! This may be very hopeful to those of you desiring that younger flash and dash. Or maybe youth today is just more tired than we know.
A super-friendly site is seniorchatters. It’s located in the UK, but don’t let that stop you. Plenty of Americans have joined. You get the first two weeks free, which is a plus. You can find both friends and lovers on this site and I began an interesting communication with a woman who lives in Turkey. I thought it would be neat to correspond with someone who has an entirely different life from mine. Keeps your brain alive.
I did end up going out with three men from my area and each one was a lovely person. I’ll share my experiences next time. Life is long and hectic, until you get to be a senior. Then you realize your mistake. It’s actually short and lonely. Why don’t they tell us? Don’t wait!
Thank you, Becka, for sacrificing so much time in the pursuit of, uh, educating the rest of us! See Becka’s other online dating reports here.
Missing Robert
I’m trying to work on my book, but as my birthday approaches, I miss Robert so horribly that I had to write memories of him. Excerpts:
I cried with Robert when we were forced to accept his death. His mind stayed strong at first as his body weakened. While he still had the strength, he prepared with the care and organization that he always ran his life. He got his affairs in order and cleaned out his files and his painting studio. He gave away thousands of dollars worth of art supplies to an art program for developmentally disabled adults. He made gifts to family and friends. He labeled files that I would need.
Multiple myeloma sapped his life from him while he still breathed. His back, broken in six places, caused him brutal pain. One day he drew the pain to show me. His drawing was so raw, so anguished, so horrible in its detail, that I wail aloud picturing it. I am tempted to share it with you here, but I won’t, because you could never forget it.
It wasn’t until Robert entered hospice care that he was able to be at peace, out of pain, and a loving man again. I owe a great debt of gratitude to hospice, who figured out how to medicate him properly and counseled him with great respect and warmth. They also gave me the bereavement support and counseling that enabled me to preserve what was left of my sanity.
Robert’s last ten days were spent in bed, journeying in and out of consciousness. Sometimes he woke startlingly lucid and sweet, sharing memories and words of love. Often he was only semi-awake, seeming to have one foot in our world and one foot in another. His comments were occasionally hilariously funny – he saw our line dance class dancing with llamas on a stage in front of us, for example, or he plucked flying books from the air for his granddaughter Megan, an avid reader, to attach to her eyes — though he didn’t know why we were laughing.
Sometimes he slept for days, and I thought I’d never hear his voice again.
One day I was crying in my study, listening to his breathing on the baby monitor that hospice recommended. “I wish I had my best friend, my darling Robert, to ask for help with this,” I sobbed.
Then it occurred to me: I still did. Perhaps the man in the bed was a shadow of the man he used to be, but he was still there. I went to the bedroom, where he lay, eyes closed, mouth slack. I took his limp hand and whispered, “Can you please help me for a minute?”
“Yes,” he said quietly, without opening his eyes.
“How will I go on without you?” I asked, resting my tear-streamed face on his chest as lightly as I could so I wouldn’t hurt him.
He stroked my hair slowly, a whisper of a touch, soft as a kiss. “You’ll be okay,” he told me. “Reach out to people.”
Now I do. I reach out to people I know, people I don’t know. I reach out to you.
Restless Vagina Syndrome?
“‘Restless Vagina Syndrome’: Big Pharma’s Newest Fake Disease” by Terry J. Allen discusses the attempt to medicalize women’s sexuality as if we were men with faulty functioning who need fixing. Allen, senior editor of In These Times, writes,
It’s not your fault, ladies (and certainly not your partner’s), that you don’t orgasm every time you have intercourse, or that you lack the libido of a 17-year-old boy. You have a disease: female sexual dysfunction (FSD), and the pharmaceutical industry wants to help.
You are among the “43 percent of American women [who] experience some degree of impaired sexual function,” according to a Journal of the American Medical Association article. The FDA’s evolving definition of FSD includes decreased desire or arousal, sexual pain and orgasm difficulties—but only if the woman feels “personal distress” about it.
So, convincing women to feel distress is a key component of the drug company strategy to market a multi-billion-dollar pill that will cure billions of women of what may not ail them.
Allen goes on to describe the big pharmaceutical companies’ attempts to define women’s sexuality as men’s sexuality gone awry — we should get turned on easily and have mind-blowing orgasms every time — and their failed attempts (so far) to give us instant arousal and explosive orgasms with drugs. She discusses several drugs and how they have not turned out to be helpful to women.
I agree that we’re not defective men, and we absolutely should not fall for attempts to medicalize what might be perfectly normal. I encourage you to read Allen’s article in full. (I itched to retitle it “Restless Clitoris Syndrome,” however!)
On the other side, I hear from enough unhappy women (and men) to assert that we often DO have medical reasons that our sex functioning isn’t working the way we want, especially as we age. I encourage both women and men who are experiencing changes in their desire and/or ability to get aroused and experience orgasm to see a trusted medical professional. It’s important to learn whether there’s a medical reason for the change and to explore treatment options, if so. The right hormonal treatment, or a change in other medications that are affecting our sexual response, can make an enormous difference in our enjoyment of our sexuality.
If the change is due to psychological and/or relationship issues, then a counselor or sex therapist can make the difference between a dissatisfying or non-existent sex life and a richly rewarding one.
Doing nothing about an unhappy sex life only insures that it will remain the same or worsen.