Lost the habit of physical intimacy and lovetalk — what now?
“Way to go, Chip. Well said,” Gruffalo commented on my July 9, 2009 blog post, Chip August: “Sex isn’t just a piece of skin wiggling around in some other skin.” “Now the really silly thing is that the first step is difficult. If you love, cherish and like each other, but you’ve lost the habit of physical intimacy and lovetalk, it feels strange, embarrassing and artificial to start. I know, one step at a time, but how to start?”
Chip returned a thoughtful response that was so helpful that I’m devoting this post to it, rather than leaving it as a comment that might be overlooked:
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to your question. Without knowing your history, how you came to lose the habit of intimacy, what each of you dreams your relationship could be, it’s very hard to tell you what your best first step might be.
If you were a client in my Intimacy Coaching practice, I would ask, Have the two of you ever talked about the “inertia” that has turned your sex life into a dead zone? Is either of you on medications that might be reducing your libido? Has erectile unreliability become an issue? There are so many ways to be unhappy.
In general, if we always do what we’ve always done, we’ll always get what we’ve always gotten. A great way to move past the embarrassment and artificiality is to change something — anything. A place for you to start is to notice and change your thoughts that get in the way of you starting.
Noticing and actively changing thoughts that don’t serve you is a good way to get up the courage to start a conversation. Perhaps begin a conversation by sharing your appreciation of your partner. Another step might be to reach out and hold hands when you are walking together. Another step might be to print out this page and ask your partner to read it. Another step might be to ask, “May I gently caress your face?”
The best first step is whatever step you actually take.
Be bold. What have you got to lose?
Chas. “Chip” August is a Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, host of “Sex, Love & Intimacy” an internet radio show, and author of the soon to be published “Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover.” Chip sees clients at his office in Northern California and also does phone-coaching, phone: 1(650) 391-7763, email him at ChasAugust@gMail.com
Chip August: “Sex isn’t just a piece of skin wiggling around in some other skin”
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Charles “Chip” August, Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, interviewed me on his “Sex, Love & Intimacy” internet radio show. Now it’s my turn to interview Chip:
JP: I understand you’re writing a book titled “Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover.” Do you see many later-life couples in sexless marriages?
CA: As a Couples Intimacy Coach, I have met and worked with hundreds of couples struggling with unsatisfactory sex lives, most in their 40s, 50s and 60s. But it’s not just my experience. Recently I saw a blog from Dr. Phil where he writes: “sexless marriages are an undeniable epidemic.”
JP: Why do these couples give up on sexual intimacy? Do they say it’s because of physical changes?
CA: One major factor behind the “death” of sexuality in long-term relationships is changes in our physiology brought on by aging. As young, sexually active adults, we take for granted that feelings of arousal will be accompanied by tumescence (the swelling of genital tissues), erections (nipples, clitoris, penis) and lubrication. In our minds we link these physical experiences to the idea of arousal. As we age we seem to forget all the other feelings, emotions and sensations associated with arousal.
JP: What happens emotionally when those physiological responses change?
CA: Later in life, when erections and lubrication are less certain, we falsely assume that it is the end of sexuality. It’s as if we have forgotten all the other feelings, emotions and sensations associated with arousal. We seem to forget how hot it once was to hold hands, to kiss, to talk nonsense for hours into a phone late at night, to dance, to finish each other’s sentences.
JP: I often hear from women whose men have given up on sex when their penises don’t work like they used to. I also hear from men whose women don’t want sex because they say it’s no longer comfortable or pleasurable. How can these couples reconnect?
CA: I believe human beings are designed for a lifetime of sexuality. There are many causes for a man’s erection to become unreliable or even impossible, and just as many causes for a woman’s vagina to stop lubricating or hurt. These symptoms are sometimes physiological, sometimes psychological, and sometimes just requiring a bit of education.
If your body does not work the way you believe it should, or you are experiencing a loss of desire, see your doctor, as these could be symptoms of various medical/health problems, psychiatric problems, low levels of testosterone or high levels of prolactine. Low sexual desire can also be a side effect of various medications.
JP: Besides physical changes, why else do couples give up on sexual intimacy?
CA: Beliefs about sexuality that support the idea that sex is really for “young” people. Our culture fosters age-ist, sex-negative beliefs. Most people don’t realize that sex is meant to get better and better as a relationship matures. They’ve bought into the idea that they can’t have a rockin’ sex life if they’re no longer young and the relationship is no longer new. They believe myths that sabotage their sex lives, such as “Sex just doesn’t feel good anymore—sometimes it even hurts—but I can’t talk about that with my husband,” and the most disastrous belief of all: “Passion always dies in a long-term marriage; it’s the price you pay for stability.”
JP: How do you coach people in a sexless marriage to become lovers again?
CA: To become lovers again means behaving as lovers do. When we are in new relationship energy, we gaze into each other’s eyes, we kiss, we phone and email. We send cute cards, buy flowers, go out to dinner, and go for long walks. We make time just for us.
JP: And most couples stop behaving like lovers as the relationship matures?
CA: If we spent as little time and attention working at our jobs as we spend on our relationship, most of us would be unemployed. Relationships take time. Make dates (and keep them). Get naked together and just hold each other and talk. Park with your sweetie by the lake, the beach, the overlook, and neck like you were 17 again.
JP: What’s your most important message for improving senior sex and relationships?
CA: It saddens me that sex has become so genitally focused. Our biggest erogenous zone is between our ears – our mind. Sex isn’t just a piece of skin wiggling around in some other skin. Penises in vaginas are a necessity for procreation. Sex is about intimate connection and shared vulnerability. Sex is stroking each other from head to toe, eye-gazing, shared laughter and shared thoughts. Sex is kissing and hugging and dancing. Sex is lying naked in each other’s arms listening to our hearts beating. Sex is about surrender and control, about laughing and crying.
Chas. “Chip” August is a Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, host of “Sex, Love & Intimacy” an internet radio show, and author of the soon to be published “Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover.” Chip sees clients at his office in Northern California and also does phone-coaching, phone: 1(650) 391-7763, email him at ChasAugust@gMail.com
No Erection, No Intimacy, No Discussion
Senior citizen intimacy isn’t always easy. There are a lot of changes with our bodies as we age.
Molly, age 63, wrote a comment that was featured in a blog post titled “He thinks he can’t please her without an erection, so why bother?” She recently emailed me an update, and I asked her permission to share it with you:
I wanted to thank you for trying to help with my situation. I was the person who asked what to do when he doesn’t want to have intimacy anymore because he couldn’t get an erection. He just said “why bother?”
Unfortunately, our relationship ended. Not by me, by him. He does not communicate in any way with me. I’ve tried everything to get him to talk to me, but it’s as if I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. This is after over two year relationship.
I took your advice and have contacted a therapist. She has been a great help to me. But somehow I think he would benefit so much from seeing someone, too.
It’s just so unfortunate that my guy thinks so little of our relationship that he only based it on one thing. I wish I could try to turn back time and make him understand that an erection is not everything in a loving sex life. But that’s not possible, he has completely cut me out of his life. Won’t talk, or accept any communication from me.
I still love the man and I think I always will. It’s so sad. Life is so very short not to enjoy it all.
Thanks again for your wonderful blog, I can’t tell you enough how it has helped me cope.
I feel the heartbreak in Molly’s words. She obviously loves this man, but he has shut her out completely.
I don’t think, though, that Molly’s partner’s inability to communicate or accept her loving means that their relationship doesn’t mean enough. I think he’s devastated and depressed by what he perceives to be the end of sexual possibility. It isn’t, we know that, but that’s how he sees it. He may be too stuck and too afraid to seek help.
I hear from men who say they have to unlearn the “I am my penis” lessons they learned as boys and teens. This notion becomes deeply ingrained and is a difficult lesson to unlearn, but the old story no longer serves them, or us.
I know it was difficult for Molly to share her story here, and I hope, readers, that you’ll show her how valuable it was by sharing what you learn here that helps in your own relationship. I’m sure she’ll welcome your warm comments.
Joan’s First Cuddle Party
“May I touch your shoulder?”
“Yes.”
“My I rest my leg on your leg?”
“Yes.”
“May I stroke your ribs?”
“No.”
“May I join your spoon train?”
“Yes.”
I attended my first official Cuddle Party last night. Cuddle Parties are led by trained facilitators to enable people to experience more touching in a completely non-sexual way. Most of us don’t get enough touch in our lives, or only get touched through sex, if we’re in a relationship, or brief hugs if we’re not.
Our skin and our emotions crave touching, holding, caressing. The purpose of a Cuddle Party is to enable people — usually strangers, at least for the first few minutes — to enjoy and feel safe touching and holding each other for hours.
Yes, hours. We had 45 minutes of rules and exercises (e.g. saying “no”) first, then at about 7:30 p.m. we were let loose to cuddle anyone and everyone we wanted (as long as they said “yes”) for 2-1/2 hours.
The Cuddle Party took place on a living room floor covered with sheets, comforters, and pillows. There were about a dozen of us, roughly gender-balanced, mostly clad in pajamas. The skilled facilitator and two assistants participated fully and were always available in case someone wanted any kind of assistance.
“Always ask before touching, and be specific about what you want to touch,” we were instructed. “No” means “no” and needs no defense or explanation. If we’re not sure, we say “no.” We can change our minds at any time. We can ask for what we want to receive as well as what we want to do. Clothes stay on, and if we experience feelings of arousal from all this body contact, we do not act on those feelings.
I joined four other people who were spooning, and I enjoyed being cradled in a warm body sandwich. We asked for permission to touch shoulders, backs, legs, hair, thighs. The tricky stage was trying to change position — if one person wanted to turn around, we all had to adjust and start asking for permission all over again.
If it sounds like fun, it was. It felt completely safe and relaxed — even jovial. We could get up, get a snack (no alcohol), come back to the pile of people and decide whom to approach as the next cuddle partner(s).
To find out more about Cuddle Parties and track down one happening near you, visit http://cuddleparty.com//