If Not Now, When Do We Live Fully?
“Putting your own life/needs/emotions on hold can’t be healthy for you,” I told someone yesterday, and it reminds me of how often I find myself saying that.
A reader writes that she has a sexless and even touchless marriage, but can’t support herself financially so she’s staying. A male friend of mine in his sixties can’t decide whether his current relationship is right for him, so he doesn’t decide, he just goes along. A reader in his fifties will start exploring relationships after he moves. A woman says she will feel sexier after she loses weight. A couple hasn’t had sex for years but won’t see a therapist because they think they should figure it out on their own.
I often ask people of our age who have put their own happiness and passions on hold, “If not now, when?”
If you’ve read much of my blog, you know that I lost my beloved husband, Robert Rice, to cancer last August. He was an artist, a dancer, a thinker, and a teacher to all who knew him. As long as he could stand upright, he painted in his studio every day, creating amazing art, yet always striving for that elusive best painting — maybe his next. He painted some of his most magnificent work in his last two years.
“Do you feel like you’re living on borrowed time,” I asked Robert one morning as he pulled on his paint-splattered jeans and sweater.
“I AM living on borrowed time,” he told me. Then he kissed me and rushed off to tend his garden for a couple of hours before heading to the studio.
I’m making myself cry writing this, but I admired him (and admire him still) for always going towards his goals, his love for life and creativity, and his passion for love itself, even when he knew he was dying.
We all have a death sentence, we just don’t know when it is. As we age, though, we get many reminders of our mortality, some subtle (aches in new places, parts that don’t work 100% like they used to), some not subtle at all (a cancer diagnosis, a spinal or hip fracture, parts that don’t work at all).
It seems to me that we have a responsibility to ourselves and to life itself to live fully, productively, and lovingly — as long as we can.
As I reread this post, I realize that it’s a lesson I have to relearn in my own life now as I emerge from the dark place of grief and make my way back to life, work, sunshine, and joy.
Thank you, Robert, for the lessons you taught me so well.
Younger Men Seeking Older Women
I get frequent emails from men age 19-40+ who are attracted to women age 50-70+. They ask me how to meet women who might be open to a relationship with a much younger man.
I also hear from women who are surprised by — and welcome! — a younger man’s interest, and others who would rather not date someone younger than their son. An example in that last camp is “Granny B” who describes her blog this way:
GrannyBoogies on the highway of life!
The life and adventures of a senior woman looking for her last Love. Is there sex after 70? Do senior dating services work? Will Granny find her soul mate?
Granny B recently posted about being pursued by a younger man via an online dating site. I posted this comment on her blog:
On my blog about sex and aging, I hear from younger men all the time who are attracted to older women and ask how to connect with them. These men say they value the woman’s experience, self-knowledge, ease of communication in and out of bed. If you’re honestly not attracted to a man younger than your son (every man is somebody’s son!), then you’re right to send him on his way gently. But if you’re intrigued, you might get to know him!
Many of the younger men who write me describe warm memories about being introduced to sex by an older woman. Others tell me they respond to the wisdom and maturity of an older woman.
Check out my other posts on this subject.
Note to the men who want to talk about this. Yes, I welcome your comments here and your emails to me, but please — we’re talking about this subject with dignity. Do not send me your masturbatory fantasies or make me the object of them! (Please don’t be insulted by this request — I’m only saying this because it has happened a few times and that’s not what this blog is about.)
Love and Lust with Bill and Desiree
Man, 41, attracted to women, 60-70+
I hear from men frequently who want to date older women and ask how to find/ attract/ approach the women they desire. I hear from very young men (teens and 20s) who had their first — and wonderful! — sexual experience with a much older woman and want to recapture the joy. I hear from men in their 30s and 40s who are drawn to the wisdom, experience, and beauty in women decades older. For example, TW wrote me recently:
I am a 41-year-old male. I don’t have any problem attracting women around my own age. That is fairly easy for me. But, I do have great difficulties attracting women who are much older than I am.
I am mostly attracted to older women who are in their 60s and 70s. I am not looking for a serious relationship. Just casual dating with someone I can see occasionally with the possibility of intimacy or sex. I don’t where to go to meet older women. I’ve tried some internet dating sites. The women on those sites respond by sending me an email telling me that I am too young or that they have a problem with the age difference.
I welcome anyone’s ideas and suggestions. Especially from men who have had successful experiences with older women. Also, I greatly welcome any suggestions from older women themselves.
Personally, I advise TW to get out and do the social activities he enjoys, where he’ll meet women who enjoy the same activities. That way, it’s easy to strart a conversation with a stranger because you already have something in common to talk about. Someone like TW would meet someone like me, for example, social dancing or at bookstores, coffee shops, gyms, walking trails, and vegetarian restaurants.
Once TW spies a woman who attracts him, I would NOT suggest the “Hey, you’re hot and I love older women, wanna go to my place?” approach. Instead, open the conversation with comments on the activity you’re sharing or ask her for advice, e.g., depending on where you are and what you’re doing,
“You’re a really good dancer — would you dance the next one with me?”
“Have you read any books by this author?”
“Your workout is obviously working for you — you look terrific. Do you recommend the aerobics classes here?”
And so on. You may be hoping to share the sheets with her, but you still need to show her that you appreciate more than her genitals. Remember that her most vital sex organ is her brain.
Readers, I invite you to add your own experiences and tips for TW. If you are a 60+-year-old woman who would delight in a fling with a man 2+ decades younger than you, how would you suggest that someone like TW find someone like you? (I’m not offering to play matchmaker, realize, just wanting to help TW know where to look.) If you’re a man who has had experience dating older women, please share your experiences.
You can post a comment here, or email me and I’ll post it for you. (Try to ride the thin line, please, between candor, which my readers like, and graphic details/street language, which they do not!)