Posts Tagged ‘communication about sex’
Lost the habit of physical intimacy and lovetalk — what now?
“Way to go, Chip. Well said,” Gruffalo commented on my July 9, 2009 blog post, Chip August: “Sex isn’t just a piece of skin wiggling around in some other skin.” “Now the really silly thing is that the first step is difficult. If you love, cherish and like each other, but you’ve lost the habit of physical intimacy and lovetalk, it feels strange, embarrassing and artificial to start. I know, one step at a time, but how to start?”
Chip returned a thoughtful response that was so helpful that I’m devoting this post to it, rather than leaving it as a comment that might be overlooked:
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to your question. Without knowing your history, how you came to lose the habit of intimacy, what each of you dreams your relationship could be, it’s very hard to tell you what your best first step might be.
If you were a client in my Intimacy Coaching practice, I would ask, Have the two of you ever talked about the “inertia” that has turned your sex life into a dead zone? Is either of you on medications that might be reducing your libido? Has erectile unreliability become an issue? There are so many ways to be unhappy.
In general, if we always do what we’ve always done, we’ll always get what we’ve always gotten. A great way to move past the embarrassment and artificiality is to change something — anything. A place for you to start is to notice and change your thoughts that get in the way of you starting.
Noticing and actively changing thoughts that don’t serve you is a good way to get up the courage to start a conversation. Perhaps begin a conversation by sharing your appreciation of your partner. Another step might be to reach out and hold hands when you are walking together. Another step might be to print out this page and ask your partner to read it. Another step might be to ask, “May I gently caress your face?”
The best first step is whatever step you actually take.
Be bold. What have you got to lose?
Chas. “Chip” August is a Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, host of “Sex, Love & Intimacy” an internet radio show, and author of the soon to be published “Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover.” Chip sees clients at his office in Northern California and also does phone-coaching, phone: 1(650) 391-7763, email him at ChasAugust@gMail.com
No Erection, No Intimacy, No Discussion
Senior citizen intimacy isn’t always easy. There are a lot of changes with our bodies as we age.
Molly, age 63, wrote a comment that was featured in a blog post titled “He thinks he can’t please her without an erection, so why bother?” She recently emailed me an update, and I asked her permission to share it with you:
I wanted to thank you for trying to help with my situation. I was the person who asked what to do when he doesn’t want to have intimacy anymore because he couldn’t get an erection. He just said “why bother?”
Unfortunately, our relationship ended. Not by me, by him. He does not communicate in any way with me. I’ve tried everything to get him to talk to me, but it’s as if I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. This is after over two year relationship.
I took your advice and have contacted a therapist. She has been a great help to me. But somehow I think he would benefit so much from seeing someone, too.
It’s just so unfortunate that my guy thinks so little of our relationship that he only based it on one thing. I wish I could try to turn back time and make him understand that an erection is not everything in a loving sex life. But that’s not possible, he has completely cut me out of his life. Won’t talk, or accept any communication from me.
I still love the man and I think I always will. It’s so sad. Life is so very short not to enjoy it all.
Thanks again for your wonderful blog, I can’t tell you enough how it has helped me cope.
I feel the heartbreak in Molly’s words. She obviously loves this man, but he has shut her out completely.
I don’t think, though, that Molly’s partner’s inability to communicate or accept her loving means that their relationship doesn’t mean enough. I think he’s devastated and depressed by what he perceives to be the end of sexual possibility. It isn’t, we know that, but that’s how he sees it. He may be too stuck and too afraid to seek help.
I hear from men who say they have to unlearn the “I am my penis” lessons they learned as boys and teens. This notion becomes deeply ingrained and is a difficult lesson to unlearn, but the old story no longer serves them, or us.
I know it was difficult for Molly to share her story here, and I hope, readers, that you’ll show her how valuable it was by sharing what you learn here that helps in your own relationship. I’m sure she’ll welcome your warm comments.
Sex and Intimacy after Cancer
If you or your partner has been diagnosed with cancer, what part does sexuality play in your quality of life? How will cancer treatment impact your sexuality — physically and emotionally? How do you cope with changes in function, libido, body image, and pain? How can you maintain intimacy in the face of these challenges?
“Sexuality is all about who you are as a man or a woman,” says Sage Bolte, MSW, LCSW, OSW-C, a renowned authority on sex and intimacy after cancer and an oncology counselor at Life with Cancer®, an Inova Health System service in northern Virginia. “It’s a critical part of your quality of life.” Sex and intimacy are key ways to affirm, “I’m alive, I’m human,” and of getting back what was important to you before cancer.
On March 11, 2008, the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society presented a teleconference with Bolte for 1,400 listeners. It was superb. Fortunately, the teleconference will be available as a transcript and MP3 recording sometime in April 2008 at www.lls.org/survivorship.
Forty to 100 percent of people with cancer will experience some form of change in sexual function, says Bolte, which can impact willingness to engage in sexual activity. However, she assures us, “Patience and techniques can help you regain a sense of sexual self and confidence.”
Although Bolte’s message was targeted at the special challenges of cancer, all of her suggestions also apply to living with any chronic or life-threatening illness, as well as the sexual challenges of aging itself. Here are some of her techniques for coping with specific problems:
Vaginal dryness and discomfort: Apply 100% vitamin E oil to the vaginal tissues and clitoris on a regular basis after showering, and use a water-based lubricant as needed during sex. Talk to your doctor about whether an estrogen ring or testosterone patch would be appropriate to regain moisture and restore elasticity of the vagina.
Erectile dysfunction: Tell your physician about this problem and have him/her look at all your medications. Have your testosterone levels checked. If you’re having a harder time maintaining an erection, try finding the positions that is most stimulating for you. Help your partner reach orgasm before intercourse. Devices for men that may help include penile pump; penile injections, suppositories, penile implant, penile rings. But if you’re on blood thinner or have low platelets, you need to consult with your physician before using any of these devices, because they might put you at risk. Viagra and similar medications are not recommended for men who have heart concerns or are taking blood pressure medications.
Pain and fatigue: After cancer treatment, the time of day that’s right for sex might change. If you’re too exhausted in evening, switch to morning or have a special lunch break. Take pain medication 30 to 60 minutes before activity. Get exercise, which can minimize fatigue and assist in decreasing some joint pain. “Remember that we can rest during sex,” says Bolte. “It’s not a marathon.”
Fear of rejection: Consider seeing a couples counselor or sex therapist. Often the problems of miscommunication, misinterpretation, and anxiety get in the way of your sexuality and intimacy. Work on your communication skills. (Note: I’ll be writing more on this topic in another post.)
Difficulties reconnecting with your partner: Communicate your own desires, ask for what you need, and ask your partner to communicate honestly, too. Be affectionate. Take it “slow and easy.” Take time to be together and to connect. Find other ways for both of you to have pleasure.
Redefine your expectations,” suggests Bolte. “Sometimes you can’t get back to the function you had prior to cancer, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be good or pleasurable.” Focus on touch, sensation, pleasurable feelings. Use sex toys. Engage in mutual masturbation. Read fantasy to each other. Touch yourself. Massage each other and cuddle.
“Take more time to get stimulated, talk yourself into sex,” Bolte recommends. Realize that instead of the physiological response coming first and driving the emotional response, it may need to be the other way around, a “mind thing first.” Schedule your sex time – plan it, think about it, fantasize, and work yourself up to the mental excitement that will stimulate the physical excitement.
Don’t let sex feel like pressure to perform. Sometimes practice just touching without the expectation of intercourse. Re-explore alone what feels good to your body now. “Start with self-pleasuring experiences,” says Bolte. “Your body has changed since treatment. You need to be comfortable touching yourself and knowing what feels good now.”
I applaud the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society for recognizing the importance of sexuality to people diagnosed with cancer and Sage Bolte for generously providing her expertise.
Condom Sense
Many seniors assume that we don’t get sexually transmitted infections and are not at risk for HIV. They’re dead wrong. Consider this:
- About eleven per cent of all newly diagnosed HIV infections are in people older than fifty, and a quarter of those are older than sixty.
- The risk of AIDS is increasing at twice the rate in people over fifty as compared to the increase in people under fifty.
- Heterosexual HIV transmission in men over fifty is up ninety-four percent, and the rate has doubled in women since 1991.
- An Ohio University study found that about twenty-seven percent of HIV-infected men and thirty-five percent of HIV-infected women over fifty sometimes have sex without using condoms.
- Older women are particularly at risk for blood-borne diseases like HIV or chlamydia because their thinning vaginal lining and lack of lubrication lead to tearing during intercourse, permitting easy access to the bloodstream.
If you’re dating or in a non-monogamous relationship, the issue of safer sex needs to come up early. Some of my women readers write me that they feel uncomfortable asking a new partner to use a condom. They are often newly in the dating game after divorce or death of a spouse. “If I ask a man to use a condom, it sounds like I don’t trust him,” they say. “If I have them on hand myself, he’ll think I sleep around.”
My belief is that if you can’t talk about safer sex with someone, do you really want to invite that person inside your body? But I know it’s hard, especially if you’ve been in a long-term relationship and suddenly find yourself out in that scary world of dating, sex with new partners, and the risks that weren’t a part of our blazing youth.
The Condom Conversation needs to happen before the heat of passion has a chance to melt your resolve. When the sparks and kisses signal that sex is likely in your future, talk about barrier protection. Agree to be prepared when you’re ready for the next stage, whether that means next weekend, weeks from now, or in an hour.
In my single past, these approaches served me well:
- “I always use condoms with a new partner to protect us both.”
- “I’ll buy the condoms — do you prefer a special kind?
- “Do you have condoms, or should we make a run to the store?”
- “Your condoms or mine?”
What if your date refuses? I’ve had occasions when a man refused to use a condom, saying something like, “Sex with condoms just isn’t enjoyable.”
I would reply, “Is no sex more enjoyable?”
At this point, I knew the date was over, and I was glad to know in advance that he didn’t value my sexual health or his own. If he was willing to go to bed with me without protection, then he did that with his last partners, and they did it with their last partners, and so on.
Take a look at Sue Katz’s blog post titled “Seniors Get Infected, Too (Often)” for some startling information about the lack of HIV prevention education for older adults.