Tom, age 55, wrote me a beautiful account of how he and his wife rediscovered their intimacy and sexual pleasure after a combination of health issues and medications left his wife unable to have orgasms. She was taking blood pressure medicine and antidepressants, and had stopped hormone replacement therapy. Tom had his own health issues, including low metabolism and testosterone levels. Combined with his wife’s lack of lubrication, decreased sensation, and anxiety, “our sex life seemed to be drying up.”
We slowly reached the point where we decided we needed to fix the situation. We started taking more time in our lovemaking and trying different lubricants, and that did work much better for us. I also bought your book Better Than I ever Expected, and it has been very helpful.
However, I found that when we had romantic weekends, I would occasionally have problems maintaining my erection. That had never happened before and was really stressful, so I now use Levitra to have confidence that I can be erect. The effects of Levitra seem to linger, so I don’t feel like I need to take it right before lovemaking. I can take it anywhere from one to 12 hours ahead of time and it still works for me.
Unfortunately, no amount of foreplay, oral or manual stimulation was able to bring about an orgasm in my wife. This was really frustrating to me, since I felt that our lovemaking was too one-sided. I think it maybe bothered me more than my wife. In the past, I was very good at knowing her body and her response and I could bring about very nice orgasms by a combination of oral and manual massaging.
So, after reading your book, and doing some additional reading and research, I spent $225 on an Eroscillator. We had never experimented with sex toys, so I wanted to get something that looked like it would be effective, and this seemed to have the recommendations and documentation to back it up.
What a difference! The first time we tried it, we spent some time together getting warmed up, and I used the soft fingertip attachment on her. My wife had her first orgasm in six years within just a few minutes, and she cried in my arms afterwards. This has made a huge difference in our lovemaking, and my wife now has very strong orgasms.
We are still trying to figure out the best way to work it into our lovemaking, we had never used any vibrators or sex toys before. I love it because I now can be sure that I can please her, and I want her to be able to come first. I like it because it is nearly silent, and very effective.
Thank you, Tom, for your candor and for the details that will help other people in the same situation. As you know, I’ve been a fan of the Eroscillator (the soft fingertip attachment is my favorite, too!), and I found my own eyes starting to water when I read about your wife crying in your arms after her first orgasm in six years. As for how to work it into your lovemaking, the woman can hold it and use it for clitoral stimulation while her partner is caressing and arousing her manually, and she can also use it during intercourse, depending on the position.
“What would you tell others in your situation?” I asked Tom.
I would just tell others that there are ways to make things better. Talking with doctors and counselors can help, but I think that the familiarity of their doctors with sexual issues may be lacking, so specialists may be needed. I do know from personal experience how difficult it is to go to a doctor and ask for help on sexual matters. Requesting a prescription for Levitra was a very tough thing to do, so I can imagine that talking about more difficult issues can be very hard.
Fortunately, with some effort, the Internet can be a good source for information. That (Amazon.com) is where I learned about your book and blog, and I also picked up Dr. Ruth’s book. I also used it to search for different lubricants to try and learn about the Eroscillator. Especially for people who are not in a major city the Internet is a great tool.
A reader who calls herself “Hot Momma Frigid Lover” posted a comment on another post which contained a point that was so important that I decided to comment on it here. Here are excerpts from her comment:
… I have never had that much pleasure in sex… My husband, on the other hand, has had a very healthy sexual drive and I had a mother who taught me to be sensitive to that drive and take care of his needs. So…well…we have had a good marriage for 32 years.
… I am starting to resent his advances a little more. Not that I don’t want to give him pleasure any more but that he does so little to actually ‘earn’ it. He has always gone for my breasts as an ‘invitation’ to give him some sexual attention. Since I prefer sleep over sex, grabbing at my breasts is a rude awakening and definitely does not awaken any sexual desire.
I think I know what might help him to arouse me in a more romantic way but how can I tell this man (that I love so much) that he just doesn’t turn me on!
Here is what I wish he could learn from someone or somewhere else. If I am asleep (or if he thinks I am …lots of times I am pretending hoping he will arouse me awake)…I would love a good back massage. Some kisses on the back of my neck, some full body hugs (that don’t include his hand on any part of my sexual annatomy)some physical contact that says “I love you” before it says “I need sex”. In fact I wouldn’t mind hearing the words “I love you” that can be very inviting.
How can I help him to ‘learn’ this stuff without me having to teach him. Most of the information I have found is for help with sex itself … I am not interested in sexual pleasure…I just want a little physical love and attention before I give him the “sex” he needs.
I implore you, please talk to your husband about what would turn you on or at least make you feel receptive to sexual intimacy. Surely he would LOVE to know this! Instead of asking how to tell him that he doesn’t turn you on (that would be devastating to hear), why not tell him what you DO want from him?
If that seems really difficult to you, start by requesting the back massage, and let that turn into sexual intimacy if it feels right. Then, when you’re in a neutral situation (walking in the park, or sitting over coffee, not in bed), try saying to him, “It really makes me feel relaxed and loved when you give me a back massage/kiss me/ hug me for no reason. I love it when you do that.”
He needs to hear from you what you like and want from him, because he’s certainly getting the message that you’re not enjoying his sexual advances. Give him the opportunity to please you and show you his love.
I invite other readers to talk about what has worked to open communication in your relationships.
That’s expecially true as we get older. Women who have been in long term, joyful, sexy relationships with partners who knew exactly how to please them sometimes tell me that they just aren’t responding the way they used to, even when a partner is doing exactly what used to send them into orbit. They worry that maybe they aren’t interested in sex any more, and perhaps they should settle into a comfortable but sexless love life.
That might be fine, if both partners would be happy with that (ah, there’s the rub!). But many women and men who talk me express that they really miss the heightened connection with their partner, the electrified responses they used to feel to his or her touch, and the crashing waves of release. And they miss the eager joy of anticipating sex. As one woman told me, “I want my sweet tooth back.”
I know I’ve just brushed the surface of this topic. We’ll keep talking about this.