Posts Tagged ‘men’
When the man no longer wants sex: guest post by Jason Kae-Smith
He’s Just Not That Into It
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| Jason Kae-Smith |
After months of his wife’s pleading and an eventual ultimatum, “Ted” (not his real name) found himself sitting somewhere he’d never imagined—the office of a sex therapist. The three-year journey leading up to this day was painful; a strained effort along a cumbersome path littered with resentments, accusations, and much confusion.
As Ted told his therapist, “I just don’t get it. I love my wife. She’s intelligent, she’s compassionate. She’s a wonderful mother to our children. She’s my best friend and I love hanging out with her. I just don’t want to have sex with her anymore.”
It turns out Ted isn’t alone. In the United States, there are an estimated 10 million men in sexless, heterosexual marriages. And while many would assume that women’s lack of desire is the main culprit, recent trends indicate that it is just as likely the men who have lost that loving feeling. Many sex therapists are seeing an increase in heterosexual men coming to them for problems with desire, some noting that the percentage of men with low desire now outweighs the percentage of women.
Calgary sex therapist David Hersh, EdD, observes, “When I first started and I would see couples with discordant desire, it was mostly the woman who wasn’t interested. Now about 55% of these couples are seeing me because the man has lost interest.” Several therapists queried confirmed a similar trend in their practices.
It’s not clear if there are actually more men experiencing low desire or if it’s just that more men are now seeking help. Hersh says he believes the latter is the case. “Now, men are more informed about the condition. Traditionally there was a double standard where ‘real men’ always wanted to have sex. But you’re not so strange anymore if you don’t want it.”
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| Ricky Siegel |
Sex therapist Ricky Siegel agrees, stating, “I think there’s little doubt that the most obvious factor to the issue of low desire in men is that ‘Real men are not supposed to have low desire!’ So where it has become an acceptable script for women, it’s one of the things that men suffered about in quiet shame.”
In 2008, Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz published the results of their survey of over 1300 men who identified as no longer having sex with their spouses. The respondents listed several reasons for their loss of interest in sex, some of which included emotional struggles with things like depression and anger. Others reported they began avoiding sex because of problems with sexual functioning and eventually lost interest in sex altogether. And while many men initially suspect their loss of libido might be a result of low testosterone, research findings, such as those reported by Sari van Anders in the May, 2012 issue of Archives of Sexual Behavior, continue to suggest this is more often not the case.
Despite his assertion that everything was okay, “Derek” told his therapist that he reluctantly agreed to a session because, “I love my wife and I will do this if she feels it is important.” Derek’s wife “Cindy” was concerned because recently Derek had stopped initiating sex with her, something that she said was “unusual” for him.
Derek said was likely due to stress or perhaps “getting a little older” but when Cindy was invited to talk about experiencing her own sexuality, a different kind of narrative began to emerge. Cindy stated that in the beginning of her relationship with Derek, “Sex was okay but I was never all that into it.” But she added, “Lately, something happened. And now it’s like I can’t wait to jump on this man.”
It turns out that “something” was her reading the best-selling 50 Shades trilogy. Cindy’s sister had turned her onto the books and to Cindy’s surprise the books turned her on, prompting her to embrace and embody her sexuality like never before. After some contemplation, Derek finally conceded that Cindy’s sudden interest in sex had a surprising blanketing effect on his desire for her. “I don’t get it,” he said. “I mean, this is what I always wanted. But when it happened, and all of a sudden she’s wanting to go to the sex store and buy toys and try new things—I don’t know, I guess it kind of turned me off.”
When it comes to treatment, experts often recommend a physical examination (just to be sure) and then consultation with a sex therapist. But what can therapists do to help men get their mojo back? Fortunately, those who practice and write about clinical sexology are continually developing ways for therapists to think about and respond to requests for help. The traditional model is to look at problems in the relationship first. One of the current trends in therapy is to go right to the sex.
As for Ted, the specific course of his future sessions will be guided by the choices he and his therapist make as their therapy conversations unfold. Today’s session marks a turning point in his journey, a change of direction toward the possibility of getting out from underneath the weight of low desire.
“This was good,” he told his therapist at the conclusion of their meeting. “It feels good to get this off my chest.” He added, “I guess I feel a lot more hopeful, like this isn’t just the way it has to be when you get married and are with someone for a long time.”
Jason Kae-Smith is a certified sex therapist with a practice in Grand Rapids, MI. Among other things, he is interested in ways people are able to give value to sexual pleasure throughout their lifetimes. The article from which this is excerpted first appeared in Contemporary Sexuality, the journal of American Association of Sexuality Educators
Counselors & Therapists (AASECT).
Vacuum Erection Devices
The Rapport Classic is a 2-½ inch clear plastic tube of good quality. The whole length is just over 8 inches. At one end is a manual pump to take the air out of the tube. At the other end is a part that fits snugly to the tube and for insertion of the penis. Surround the penis with a large amount of gel lubricantfor a good vacuum seal. (Both the Revive and the Rapport come with a tube of surgical gel lubricant, which works very well.)
The Encore Revive is similar to the Rapport and works much the same way, with two main differences: The Encore Revive comes with both a manual pump which you us e either one-handed like the Rapport or two-handed for more leverage, and with a battery powered pump. It also has a cock ring release that makes the final step almost automatic and releases the vacuum pressure at the same time. It also has a release valve if you decide not to complete the process.(Note from Joan: I am sad to tell you that my friend, sex therapist David Pittle died December 2017. We value his sex toy reviews. Read his other reviews here.)
Tenga Egg reviewed by David Pittle
Tenga Egg Male Masturbation Sleeve
reviewed by David M. Pittle, Ph.D.
The Egg is a complete kit for a single use. Packaged within an egg-shaped shell is a very stretchable elastomer “stimulator” with ribbing designs to give a variety of sensations. To make this a complete, one-use kit, it includes a packet of lubricant, as well as the “stimulator” itself. The stimulator expands to fit almost any normal penis length and diameter to give a very good sensation. While sold as a one-use device, it will actually last up to about 10 uses. You can flip it inside out for cleaning and then add your own lubricant to
use it again. At about $8.50 each, that makes the Tenga Egg a real bargain.
If there was one weakness in the egg that I tried, it was the lack of instructions in English. The only instructions were printed in Japanese on the lubricant package. One would think that instructions were not needed for such a simple device, but applying the lubricant to the inside of the stimulator is done with an included funnel device and the method of doing all this preparation is not self-evident.
However, aside from the lack of instructions, this is an excellent product. It provides marvelous sensations, comes in a wide variety of interior ribbing designs and as a bonus, is usable even by men suffering from erectile dysfunction. The penis does not have to be hard to get the benefit of the Egg. I certainly could feel that there was ridging, but I doubt I would feel the differences between the different egg designs. Maybe someone who has a more sensitive penis might. I really liked this Egg and will probably buy them in the future.
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| Tenga Egg inside out to show texture |
Notes from Joan:
The Tenga Egg comes in a variety of textures and designs. Dr. Pittle reviewed the “Wavy” design, pictured here inside out so you can see the texture.
The Tenga Eggs are available from our friends at Good Vibrations .
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| David Pittle |
David M. Pittle, Ph.D., is a therapist in San Rafael, CA, who has been helping people with sexual issues for over thirty years. Many of his clients are age 50-80, when good sex is important, and dissatisfaction may lead to loss of shared intimacy that can threaten the total relationship. David
specializes in helping women who are not experiencing sexual satisfaction and men with non-medical and medically-related erectile dysfunction or other issues. Visit his website here. Please see Dr. Pittle’s review of the Hitachi Magic Wand here.
(I am sad to tell you that my friend, sex therapist David Pittle died December 2017. We value his sex toy reviews. Read his other reviews here.)
Note from Joan: Please see my other vibrator reviews by clicking here. Keep scrolling down — there are many! I love to hear from you and welcome your comments about any sex toys reviewed here, because our experiences are all different, and your experience will help other readers decide which toy is right for them. (However, if you’re a sex toy retailer, I don’t permit links that compete with the retailers I endorse — spammy, highjacking comments and links won’t see the light of day.)
The Hitachi Magic Wand: guest review by David M. Pittle, Ph.D.
male readers, and I’m thrilled when men as well as women fill the room at my
talks and workshops. But how do I, a woman, review a sex toy for men?
sex-positive man of our age to review it – a man like David Pittle.
himself as a therapist in San Rafael, CA, saying that he has been buying copies
of Naked at Our Age for his clients. Since then, he has attended several of my
events, and we’ve had many lively and honest conversations about sex and aging.
When he told me that the Hitachi Magic Wand is his favorite sex toy, I invited
him to write a review from his male perspective. Lucky for us, he was happy to
oblige. Here it is:
which is bisexual is the magnificent and venerable Hitachi Magic Wand.
The Magic Wand has beenaround for over 30 years in several constantly improving versions. The current Hitachi
Magic Wand HV250R is a vibrator that can wake up your libido no matter how
jaded you might be.
some of us have more difficulty getting a good erection. For many men that’s
enough of a put-off that we quit trying. It can be embarrassing and
disappointing. It is easy to begin to forget the joy of sex. But on a health
level, getting off is important. A large, recent study, published in the
Journal of the American Medical Association (April 2004), showed that men who
have an active sex life–twenty or more times per month–were about one-third
less likely to develop prostate cancer. Of course sex for its own sake is
worthwhile.
vibrator? “If I don’t have a partner, I always have the natural vibrator, my
hand,” many men say. And while that is true, it’s like saying that just because
I like spaghetti, I can’t also enjoy a baked potato with my meal. Variety is
the spice of life and a good vibrator is very spicy indeed.
large, about 12.5 inches in length. It resembles nothing so much as an old World
War I potato masher hand grenade. Like a hand grenade, when it goes off, it
provides a very big bang. The business end is 2.25 inches across, with a
shallow v-slot that will hold your penis even in its flaccid state, and keeps
it captured as you get hard. With two different speeds—L(ow) provides a
relatively gentle ride and H(igh) gives a powerful, “let’s get going now” experience—the
Magic Wand handles all the needs for most men.
recommend the Magic Wand, ostensibly for massaging back and shoulder muscles.
But that size makes it perfect for massaging a man’s testicles and perineum,
the area between the anus and the testicles, an area which is very erotically
sensitive.
is that the head is easy to clean, as every sex toy should be, though not
immersible and not for use in the tub or shower. The Magic Wand is corded and
must be plugged into a wall socket. It is perfectly safe electrically when used
in bed or other dry environments, but obviously one would not use it in the
water any more than a hair dryer.
may be useful to some men, though I haven’t felt the need for it, is a variable
speed controller. It can slow down the
Magic Wand, if even the Low speed is too much, but I notice that reviews are generally
not positive. If it isn’t needed, save the money and get a vibrator that is
less intense.
the sex toys specifically designed for men, but I always come back to my MagicWand!
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| David Pittle |
his clients are age 50-80, when good sex is important, and dissatisfaction may
lead to loss of shared intimacy that can threaten the total relationship. David
specializes in helping women who are not experiencing sexual satisfaction and
men with non-medical and medically-related erectile dysfunction or other
issues. Visit his website here.
Note from Joan: Please see my other vibrator reviews by clicking here. Keep scrolling down — there are many! I love to hear from you and welcome your comments about any sex toys reviewed here, because our experiences are all different, and your experience will help other readers decide which toy is right for them. (However, if you’re a sex toy retailer, I don’t permit links that compete with the retailers I endorse — spammy, highjacking comments and links won’t see the light of day.)