|Lucy, age 62|
Lucy, a 62-year-old woman from Santa Fe, NM, wrote to me:
Joan—I’m bisexual and have always loved sex with men. Unfortunately as I age, I find men in my age group don’t have much interest in getting right to sex — they just want to “date”—interminably.
If there were just places where a woman could safely buy a man’s time, tell him what she wants, and then complete the transaction I would totally do that. I did find Cowboys4Angels, which advertises “Straight Male Escorts For Women,” but the closest one is in Las Vegas.
Am I crazy? Why is it men can buy sex anywhere but women have to “date”? And yeah, I know I’m old, but I’ve been asking this question for decades. I don’t want the man, I want the fucking (and I swear this is a legit letter). Please answer.
I went first to my colleagues and followers on my Naked at Our Age Facebook page, where I can always count on a community willing to share knowledge, opinions, and experiences. Here are some of their suggestions:
One reader wrote, “I’ve heard men from Rentboy.com — which is a gay male service — say they either happily take female customers already, or they would be happy to take female customers.”
Sabrina Morgan, sex and dating coach and sex workers’ rights advocate, agrees. “Contacting a guy on Rentboy.com and asking if he’s comfortable with female clients is a great first step, as is looking for straight male escort directories. There’s ConciergeDuMonde.com, which has several reputable independents.”
How do you find an escort? “If you do a web search for ‘straight male escorts’ or (although I hate the term) ‘gigolos’ and the closest large city, you will get various agencies and independent providers that will come up in your area,” suggests Hercules Liotard, The Pleasure Coach.
You said you wanted full-on partner sex, but if you or other readers would enjoy an erotic, intimate massage (highly recommended, as you’ll read in Naked at Our Age!), check out providers like Hercules, who is based in Los Angeles. Search “intimate massage” and your city to find a provider near you.
Whether you’re hiring an intimate massage practitioner or an escort, Hercules has this advice about safety:
The number one key factor for women who hire men for sex is the trust factor. Is this person safe? When talking with the women I work with, this comes up almost every time in the conversation. They chose me because my site was inviting and interesting. I answered their questions and concerns in advance and did not try to rush them into an appointment. I had reviews and a good standing in the community, and that all made them feel safe.
So I would say that any woman should look for these same qualities when contacting anyone. Shop around!
Pamela Madsen, Sex and Intimacy Coach and Co-Director of Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women, shared these thoughts:
Many women work with Sacred Intimates, Escorts or Sexological Body Workers. It’s not so underground anymore! The rules for sexual interaction change from man to man and practice to practice. Sexological Body workers can provide an amazing experience for women who want to experience one-way touch in a very safe environment with boundaries. Women who are looking for two-way touch experiences such as intercourse and oral sex would be better served by working with a Sacred Intimate or an Escort.
No matter who a woman chooses to work with, it’s important for her to find out the practitioner’s boundaries, STD status, and get references — as well as find out about pricing ahead of time. Many female sex coaches, like myself, work with men who work erotically with women, and can provide direction and referrals.
Do you have to hire someone if you want a sexual encounter? No. You can find casual sex online with like-minded partners without hiring a professional. Craigslist has a personals ads category titled “Casual Encounters.” (Yes, there’s a Sante Fe section, Lucy.) Some of the ads are pretty raunchy, others are straightforward (“looking for…”), and some are quite plaintive (“not much sex from my partner no matter how much energy I put out”). You can search by age if you wish.
Personally, I’d feel nervous and vulnerable using Craigslist for a casual encounter, because you don’t know anything about the person placing the ad, but clearly most people do get the results they want, or it wouldn’t be as popular as it is. Do I sound unnecessarily cautious, readers?
Sometimes approaching a man whom you meet in your daily life can lead to an interesting and satisfying connection. Seth, a man of our age, emailed me to share his experience:
My casual sex partner is a lady who walked up to me while eating dinner at a restaurant and asked if I could give her a ride home. Wonderful conversation, and when I dropped her off, she asked if I wanted to come in. Conversation continued, and when I got up to leave, she asked if I would like to stay. I did.
We have both continued our connection. It’s very straightforward. She calls and asks if I would like some loving. There are times I’ll say no. Both of our needs get met. We don’t discuss our connection with anyone. So delightful to walk in with sex on both of our minds. Clothes come flying off. We both enjoy our sexuality. Then we both go back to running our businesses.
What didn’t work is a woman who sat down next to me and started a conversation that made it clear she was hitting on me. “Gigolo?” she asked. That felt strange to me and I didn’t pursue that line of conversation.
A reader who wishes to remain unnamed recommends AdultFriendFinder.com,a huge sex site with 55 million members that aims to help you find “worldwide sex dates, adult matches, hookups and fuck friends.” My reader says,
I was 61 when I started “playing” with AdultFriendFinder. But, of course, you have to be very good at vetting the men who e-mail you. If you do a good job of vetting, you will find that there are a lot of very nice men on there who want to give a woman pleasure, as well as getting their own pleasure, with no strings attached.
Also, you can find no strings attached sex on some of the free regular dating sites, such as Plenty of Fish and OKCupid. One of the interesting things is that there are so many younger men who are looking for older women. On POF, I found a 31-year-old with whom I had a 4-month dalliance, until he found a woman he wanted to marry, then he broke it off with me. He was very sweet.
I asked several of the younger men who e-mailed me why they were interested in a woman who is so much older than they are. They all gave pretty much the same reasons: “Older women don’t play games. Older women know how to please a man. Older women are comfortable in their bodies.” Yup, we are hot stuff!
“Hot stuff” indeed! Let us know how your quest turns out, Lucy!
I welcome your comments, but I do not permit solicitation or attempts to draw my readers to sites for porn, escorts, or any retail sites I have not vetted. If you wish to advertise on this blog to reach our sex-positive seniors, email me. Don’t try to submit a comment aiming to get free advertising for a site I haven’t approved. It won’t work, and it makes me extremely cranky.
“I think I could only date a widower — only someone who has gone through this could understand,” I told a buddy when I thought I might be ready to start dating after losing my beloved Robert.
I put my preference for widowers prominently in my online dating profile. I later changed that, or at least softened it to “bonus points,” just because it narrowed the possibilities too much. But it remains my preference. Here’s why:
- When they are talking with animation and suddenly sink into silence and sadness, I understand.
- When they bring up anecdotes about their wives, I get it.
- When they slip into present tense talking about their spouse, then correct themselves, I remember how often I’ve done that.
- When they talk vulnerably about their grief, I know I can do that, too.
- When they laugh and talk about their future changes they want to make in their lives, I know what it took to get to that point.
How long does it take to be ready to date? I don’t know. We’re all different. Don’t judge us if we think we’re ready, then realize we’re not. We’re not grieving for a time, then suddenly done with grief — it’s a spiral: we cycle in and out of grief. We can feel that we’re truly ready to date, and then we’re struck down by missing our beloved powerfully.
And if you date a widow or widower, please don’t worry that you’re in competition with his or her perfect spouse. You’re not in competition with our memories. Understand that there will always be that layer of memories and love, and accept that part of us. It shows that we know how to love.
Recently, I’ve had a couple of dates with two different widowers. I love the conversation, how easily we slip in and out of past and present, how we acknowledge the fear and the reluctance to date again — and how we realize that our growth depends on learning how to do that. Maybe we should just date each other.
What do you think? Your comments are welcome, especially if you are widowed or are dating a widow or widower.
1. Tell the truth (about age, build, marital status)
2. Post a current photo without sunglasses
3. If someone messages you and you’re not interested, give a courteous “no, thank you.”
I keep hearing, “Yeah, but what do you say if you’re not interested?” Don’t lie. Do be polite. Do answer. (Ignoring someone is much more hurtful than anything you might say. However, if the initial message from him/her is inappropriate, feel free to ignore.)
My usual advice is this: Make it clear, honest, and polite — something like, “Thank you for writing, and I enjoyed reading your profile… [Insert something complimentary about the person’s qualities/interests here.] However, I don’t think we’re a match. [No need to give reason, but you can if it’s something specific and doesn’t put the other person down.] Best wishes for finding what you seek.'”
Today I decided to expand the age range I was seeking to include age 50 to 73. (I’m 68, whatever that might mean to you.) Before, I had the lower limit at 55, but I don’t mind if the man is younger than that, as long as he is smart, fit, and interesting; matches my energy; and is attracted to older women.
A delightful, 51-year-old man came up in my search. We had much in common, and I found his photo very attractive. I wrote him a complimentary message, and ended with this: “…I know you say your upper age limit is 55 — is that firm? See my profile and current photos before you answer.”
He turned me down, but the way he said no prompted me to write this blog post. It’s the nicest rejection I’ve ever received, and it will become my new model of how to respond when not interested. He gave me permission to post it here, without identifying him in any way:
Thank you for writing, it’s nice to be approached on occasion instead of
doing all the outreach. (And I always respond, I can’t stand it when I
send an email and am not even afforded the courtesy of a “no”.) I’m
not absolutely firm on my age range, but honestly 68 is a bit beyond
what I will consider. You sound like a live wire and a wonderful lady
to get to know, and I wish you the best in finding someone who can match
your spirit and energy.
See why I love this message? It’s extremely complimentary — he read my profile, he thinks I’m cool — and he’s honest about why he’s saying no. Perfect. Thank you, not-to-be-identified man who inspired this post.
I welcome comments, especially if you have a nice way of saying, “No, thank you.”
A year ago, I knew I wasn’t ready to date yet (see grief posts), but I wanted to start getting social and meet new people. I was planning a week in New York City for a conference, so I decided to explore finding a few dates for my time there.
I joined OK Cupid and perused the NYC options. I emailed several.
Most weren’t interested in meeting with someone from across the country who wouldn’t be a relationship possibility, but a couple were intrigued. I ended up meeting one man for a gym workout and a walk. (Tthat’s my kind of date!) There were no sparks between us, but it was pleasant.
What I really want to tell you about is the date I did NOT have. I’ll call him Mr. Evasive.
Mr. Evasive’s profile was appealing and we had plenty in common — both writers, dancers, teachers, readers, exercisers. We had a jaunty exchange of emails, and finally agreed to meet during my trip. But he never gave me his real name (just his handle) or his phone number. Whoops. I kept asking.
Finally, I’m in NY and he’s emailing me plans for our meeting. I replied that he still hadn’t told me his full, real name, and that was a prerequisite for meeting.
He admitted that his profile was not completely honest. He shrouded anything identifiable because he needed privacy — he was “sort of famous” in his profession. He suggested that we meet in at Grand Central Station and he would produce ID and let me phone his workplace for confirmation. But only after we meet in person.
Here are excepts from his long response:
- I am older than my stated age.
- I’m better looking and better educated than I present myself, and younger in ways that matter.
- I am on a site that any felon can get on with any gender age or whatever, looking for ID’s to steal.
- What you write includes fun, instructive, examples of stories from real people. I do Not want to be one, OK?
My response? Exactly what you’d expect:
No, it’s not okay that you won’t give me your name until we meet (that’s completely against my personal requirements for dating, even for dating once). No, it’s not okay that you tell me you’ve posted lies but I should believe you. And I’m a professional writer who writes personal experience, so I don’t agree not to write about you if we meet. I think it’s best not to meet after all.
Now I’m planning another trip to NY in July — should I try again?