Spontaneity is Overrated — Especially at Our Age!

When I give my workshops, I always get startled looks from participants when I recommend that we schedule our sex time, even (especially!) when we’re in a long-term relationship. You tell me, “But sex should be spontaneous!”

At our age, we need more time for arousal, and that works best if our arousal time starts long before we’re fondling each other in bed. It starts with anticipation: looking forward to our time together, getting heated up on our own with our fantasy of what we’ll do together. It starts before we’re physically in the same room: leaving notes or text messages or voice mail or even just writing it on our calendar days in advance.

It starts with coming together non-sexually: talking together, bonding through laughter, and especially by doing something physical together: a walk, a bike ride, a yoga class, dancing in the living room. Doing something physical together makes us aware of our enjoyment of our own and each other’s bodies, and it gets the blood pumping, which makes for better sex later.

Besides, when have we ever really been spontaneous about sex? When we were young and just discovering sex, didn’t we anticipate it for days? Didn’t we prepare with fantasies and plans? Didn’t we (we girls, anyway) try on clothes, including underwear? Didn’t we shower and shave with care, even with relish, as we looked forward to being soft to the touch and sweet smelling with our lover? We’ve always prepared for sex!

Let’s celebrate the pleasures of our slower arousal by scheduling our special times!

Your thoughts?