Posts Tagged ‘senior sex aging’
Erotica Around the Table by Rae Francoeur
I loved every page of Free Fall: A Late-in-Life Love Affair
Once you write the words down, they no longer belong to you, a newspaper editor told me. Once I create a piece of writing, it’s out of my hands. I should not be surprised, therefore, by what happened to my erotic memoir, Free Fall: A Late-in-Life Love Affair
The book is a candid and passionate portrayal of my love affair with Jim, which began when Jim was 67 and I was 58. Free Fall celebrates adult sexuality and encourages change, especially when we find ourselves in untenable situations. Jim and I had plenty of life under our belts when we met, including four grown children.
Recently, we sat at a restaurant with Jim’s daughter and a group of her friends. The friends took turns reading aloud the graphic sexual passages to Jim’s daughter. There were plenty of snickers and loud guffaws. The book was about senior sex, and young people consider that fair game for ridicule—even when their friend’s cherished father and his new lover are the butt of their jokes.
Jim was amused and unbothered by what his daughter’s friends did. It’s something men do to each other all the time, he said. They jam you up, test your mettle, play a form of psychological chicken.
As a woman and the author, my take is different. There are numerous short but graphic erotic scenes in Free Fall. A group of young men and women taking turns reading these sex scenes aloud in a public place feels akin to a verbal assault. We all knew that Jim’s daughter had no interest in reading about her father’s sexual prowess.
When I asked my daughter what she thought, the first thing she said was, “This is how it is with books. Once you write it and publish it, it’s no longer yours. It’s like a book burning, only mockery.”
Fortunately, my daughter, who happens to be a librarian, and her friends treated my book very differently. They bought and read the book and posted reviews on Web sites like GoodReads. They wrote both of us, sending along congratulations and rave reviews. I was invited to her library to read to patrons. It was one of the best nights of my life: my daughter, Jim, my daughter’s good friend, and a group of interested and open-minded patrons together sharing stories.
In Free Fall, I write a lot about letting go, staying open, not holding on so tight to what I think I know. Once again I find there is no such thing as a lesson learned for keeps. You learn a lesson in the moment and relearn it, when the need arises.
Check out Rae’s blog.
Viagra “not a sack of cement installer”
I’m writing the chapter about cancer and sexuality for my new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. The stories people sent me about reclaiming their sexuality after cancer treatment fill me with admiration. I looked back at some older posts on this blog that deal with sex & cancer, and decided to bring back this one from 2006. With the prevalence of Viagra use, I think BillyBob’s experience and his thoughts about it are important. – Joan
BillyBob, age 62, has told some of his story previously as a comment here. He recently sent me an email detailing an experience that he wants to share — and he makes an important point:
I started dating a lady I have known for a year, mostly through phone conversations. I knew that she likes sex. Last weekend we went for dinner. After dinner she wanted to go back to my place for a while.
Well, as it turned out, it was the most embarrassing time I have ever had, all because of a misconception some woman have about impotency.
I took a Viagra after we got back to the motel hoping it worked fast! It did its normal thing and got me sexually aroused but not 100%. She knew I had to take it because of the prostate cancer killing my prostate.
Here is where the misconception comes in. It seems that women who do not know about Viagra seem to think if you take it you just get ramrodding hard, and they do not need to do any stimulation. Well that’s just plain wrong. Men still need stimulation along with the Viagra. The drug is not a sack of cement installer.
And I was not about to masturbate myself in order to get it hard. Not in the presence of a woman.
So as it turned out she turned me off instead of on. What a bummer. It was so disappointing. I had looked forward to our meeting for some time. And the possibility of finally enjoying good sex with some one that likes sex.
All a woman needs to know about the drug is that you do things as normally, using stimulation together. So please tell your readers what my experience was.
BillyBob, thank you for sharing this experience. Viagra helps when there’s a physical cause for lack of erection, as you know, but it doesn’t increase libido, or substitute for all those other crucial components of good sex that you (and I, and probably everyone reading this) crave — touching, kissing, bonding, stimulating each other physically and emotionally, enjoying each other’s pleasure as well as our own.
It sounds like most of this experience was missing for you. What a bummer, I agree. I’m sorry you didn’t feel you could communicate your needs and desires to your partner — I don’t know, maybe she would have been happy to help you get aroused if she had understood. It’s hard to understand why she didn’t seem interested in stimulating you just as part of the sex play (with or without Viagra), since that’s a good part of the fun of sex.
I know you were too embarrassed to masturbate in front of her when she didn’t help arouse you, but as a woman, I find it very pleasurable and exciting to watch a man stimulate himself. I don’t know if your partner would have reacted this way, but I’ll bet she would have.
If you see a future or at least a repeat date with this woman, I hope you’ll communicate candidly with her before you get to “the act.” And please continue to write.
Thank you again, BillyBob.
— Joan
Erectile Dysfunction: Michael Castleman Talks to Women
Update note: I first posted this interview in June 2007. I have so many new readers now that I wanted to bring it to the forefront, because it’s such an important issue for both men and women. Often men feel they can’t talk about ED with their partners. Women tell me their men seem to emotionally disappear and avoid sexual activity and discussion. Michael Castleman helps all of us understand what’s going on. — Joan
In a previous post, I interviewed Michael Castleman, a sex educator, counselor and journalist specializing in men’s sexuality to answer some questions for men about erectile dysfunction. In this part of the interview, Castleman talks directly to women:
Q: What don’t women understand about erectile dysfunction (ED)?
MC: Like men, few women understand the difference between true ED and erection dissatisfaction. [See Erectile Dysfunction: Michael Castleman Talks to Men for explanation of the difference.] Women also don’t really appreciate how men FEEL when EDis or ED develop. It’s sort of like how women feel when they lose a breast to cancer. You’re still alive, but you feel diminished. A part of your body you took for granted isn’t there anymore, or in the case of men, doesn’t work like it used to. And this isn’t just any part of the body. It’s a body part that in a profound way DEFINES you as a man or woman. For women, loss of a breast raises issues like: Am I still attractive? Am I still sexual? Can I still please a man sexually? Men with ED and EDis wrestle with similar issues.
Beyond this, men have lived their whole lives pretty much taking their penises for granted: See a sexy woman, get hard. See porn, get hard. Think a sexual thought, get hard. Then all of a sudden–and in many men this happens pretty suddenly–they’re in a situation where they expect to have to rearrange their underwear to accommodate some swelling down there, and then….nothing. Nothing happens.
Many don’t understand what’s happening to them or why. But even those who do, me for example, feel surprised, upset, disappointed, depressed. Change is stressful. But when the changes concern the penis, well, men get seriously freaked out.
Now women often (and rightly) believe that men are too focused on the penis. That’s often true. It takes most young men years (sometimes decades) to leave penis-centric sex behind and understand the erotic value and pleasure of whole-body sensuality, a lovestyle more based on whole-body massage than on just sticking it in somewhere. Men who never get there, men who continue to view sex as penis-centered, when their penis stops behaving as they expect, they often think it’s the end of sex, that they’re over the sexual hill, that it’s all over. In my experience as a sex counselor and writer, few women appreciate how diminished men feel as they get used to EDis… if they ever adjust.
Q: Why can’t men express these concerns?
MC: Many reasons. In general, men tend to be less emotionally articulate than women. Men are socialized to be the “strong silent type,” to keep a “stiff upper lip,” to “grin and bear it.” In other words, to deny what they’re feeling and just go on. As a result, men get less practice than women discussing their emotions, and when they do, they’re less skilled than women. Now some women believe that men don’t HAVE emotions because they don’t discuss them. Wrong. Men feel things just as deeply as women. They just are less likely to discuss them, and if they do, they’re less likely to be able to really articulate how they feel.
The two genders have different natural histories of sex problems. With the exception of vaginal dryness, which is easily mitigated with lubricants, most women have most of their sex problems/issues when they’re young. Young women wrestle with the mixed messages that they should be sexy but not trampy, that they should want love/sex, but not want sex “too” much, not be “too” easy. But how easy is too easy? Young women also have issues with orgasm. Many don’t have them and have to learn how to release orgasms.
Meanwhile, few young men have sex problems–other than coaxing women in to bed. The young penis works just fine, thank you very much. Maybe the guy comes too soon (this is the #1 sex problem of young men), but only rarely do young men have problems with erection. Then they hit 45 or 50 and suddenly, the erections they took for granted their entire lives start to fail them. They freak. It’s almost unthinkable. Many Americans found themselves speechless after Sept. 11. It was so horrible, unimaginable. Men don’t discuss their ED or EDis in part because it’s unimaginable–then it happens and they’re speechless.
To many men, having reliable erections is a significant part of what defines them as men. If they have problems in the erection department, some fear that the women in their lives will view them as less than real men. So why talk about it? Why invite her to rub his nose in the fact that he’s less of a man?
Q: When should a couple seek counseling?
There’s no hard-and-fast rule on this. But when a problem festers, when you find yourselves having the same conflict over and over again, when there seems to be no way out, no resolution, basically, when you feel stuck, that’s when to consider counseling.
Now every sex problem is also a relationship problem and visa versa. If the main issue is power/control/decision making or conflict resolution, then a couples counselor is probably the place to start. But if they main problem is sexual–a desire difference, orgasm issues for the woman, erection issues for the man–then I’d start with a sex therapist.
Personally, I’m a fan of sex therapy. This is not self-serving because I am not a sex therapist. But studies show that two-thirds of couples who consult sex therapists report significant benefit within 6 months. That’s pretty good. Men with ED or EDis need to reframe their thinking about sex. They need to get away from porn-inspired sex and explore whole-body sensuality. This is often unfamiliar to men. They often fight it. So going back to a therapist week after week can help keep them on the path to self-discovery.
To find a sex therapist, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). Click the map of the U.S. and Canada, and get a list of all the AASECT-certified sex therapists in your state or province.
Q: What if the man won’t go?
The woman should go by herself. This is not as good as the couple going. But going solo gives the woman a place to vent. It may equip her with new coping skills that can help deal with the couple’s issues. And she may be referred to some written material, e.g. my book and others like it, that she can litter around the house and hope he picks up and checks out.
Michael Castleman, M.A., is the author of twelve books, including Great Sex: The Man’s Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality and Sexual Solutions: For Men and the Women Who Love Them. From 1991-95, he answered the sex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. Visit his website about sex after midlife, http://www.greatsexafter40.com/.
Satisfying Senior Sex for Women, Too!
Older women stop having and enjoying sex sooner in their lives than men do, a study in the British Medical Journal found. That’s because the medical community has no idea how to help women maintain their sexual health and pleasure after menopause without the use of potentially dangerous hormones. Women don’t have any “little blue pill” to make things work better when their bodies have given up.
But the truth is, there are simple answers:
1. Live a “Good Sex Lifestyle” which includes daily exercise, a healthy diet full of fruits, veggies, nuts, whole grains and healthy fats and free of white sugars and flours, low-to-moderate alcohol intake, and daily doses of chocolate, Omega-3 oils and lots of Vitamin D. Healthy women enjoy good sex much longer than those in poor health.
2. At menopause and later, care for your vagina. Moisturize her daily or more with a good moisturizing lubricant (no glycerin), and massage her inner walls two to four times per week for five to ten minutes, with either a well-made vibrator or a partner’s fingers or penis. For more details, see our Vaginal Renewal™ program.
3. Have at least one orgasm per week, with yourself or a partner, it doesn’t matter. Keep those nerves functioning properly and remind them what pleasure feels like. If it’s hard to have orgasms, use a vibrator. Men use tools all the time, why shouldn’t you?
4. Get enough sleep, keep your stress under control, and keep a positive outlook. Your body will thank you for it, and your mind will be able to think sexy thoughts without distraction.
5. Think sexy thoughts, often. Fantasize, reminisce, create erotic stories in your head (or on paper), talk about sex, plan for sex, and make it a priority. Nurture your sex life, and it will love you back for many years to come.
– Ellen Barnard, MSSW is a sex educator and co-owner of A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center, which offers education and products to support healthy sexuality for everyone, with a focus on older adults and those living with cancer. She can be found at http://www.sexualityresources.com/.
I think Ellen’s information is vital, and I hope you’ll pass this link to your friends, colleagues, lovers, wives, and mothers. If more mid-life and older-age women knew these self-help strategies for enhancing their sexuality, there would be more satisfied smiles on their faces! — Joan Price