Posts Tagged ‘solo sex’
Senior Sex: Solo Style
Candida Royalle, known for pioneering the genre of woman-friendly erotic films and the Natural Contours line of intimate massagers, is the author of How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do. Candida wrote a marvelous piece for my new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex (coming this June — finally!) about the importance of keeping ourselves sexually heathy when we’re not in a relationship.
At age 59, Candida says she’s not in a hurry to find a new partner, but “I am committed to having a date with myself at least once a week to exercise my PC muscle, which runs along the pelvic floor and surrounds the entire vagina. Then I reward myself with a nice little session of self-pleasuring.”
Erica Manfred, divorced at sixty, is the author of He’s History You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After Forty. Erica contributed helpful tips to Naked at Our Age for getting through the devastating emotion- and ego-slamming period of a later-life divorce. 
In a recent Huffington Post article, Erica writes that at age 68, she has decided to give up on dating and sex. “It takes a hell of a lot of energy to date at my age,” the former sexual enthusiast writes. She’s not closing off the possibility of “getting my mojo back” in case Mr. Senior Right shows up at the supermarket, but she’s abandoning the online dating sites and cuddling her chihuahua.
Rachel Kramer Bussel is, at 35, the youngest of our sex-positive celibates. Rachel is an erotica author, sex columnist, and editor of 38 anthologies, including my favorite series: Best Sex Writing 2008, 2009 and 2010.
Is it hard to write about sex all day and not go after it at night? “Am I missing out on what’s supposed to be my sexual peak?” Rachel wonders. “Maybe friends with benefits is the best life can offer me and I’m being foolish or stupid to hold out for something more fulfilling. Or maybe I’ll find that I like being on my own so much I don’t ever want to actually join forces with someone else.”
I’ve divulged my own celibacy since losing Robert — on this blog in a shy way, and with more candor in Naked at Our Age (you’ll see!). I’ve started to date again, which so far means a series of sexless first dates. I’ve had some excitement (again, you’ll have to wait for Naked at Our Age!) but without the culmination of inviting a partner into my body.
Senior sex is still my intellectual, emotional, and career passion. My mission to normalize later-life sexuality in the eyes of society is as important to me now as when Robert and I were curling each other’s toes. I know I’m getting somewhere when seniors are seen as oddities when they’re not having sex!
As always, I welcome your comments!
Hitachi Magic Wand: strong enough for seniors
The Hitachi Magic Wand is exactly that: magic. I discovered its gift-that-keeps-on-giving qualities at least thirty years ago and enjoyed it often. It lasted for decades, but finally its head hardened and a rough ridge appeared, and I had to say goodbye. Thank you, Good Vibrations, for sending me a new Hitachi Magic Wand for review. It’s not just as good as I remembered — at this time of my life, it’s better. I’ve been complaining throughout my vibrator reviews that I wished they were stronger. This one is!
When I used the Magic Wand as a young woman, I remember I had to cushion it with a washcloth to diffuse the sensations and temper the intensity just enough. At age 65 (one month to 66, hardly seems possible), I no longer need the washcloth. The wand is comfortable with just lubricant for cushioning, and the intensity is exactly right for flying to the moon.
I found it hilarious that the instructions that come with the Magic Wand have a diagram with numbers indicating the safe and effective places to “massage” — however the pelvic area is devoid of numbers! I guess we have to number our own….
(FYI, as I proofread this review, I discovered I twice mistyped “Magic Want” instead of “Magic Wand.” Now what does that tell you?)
If you googled “Hitachi Magic Wand review” you’d get 70,000 hits — but I’ll bet this is the only one you’ll read aimed at the senior/elder user. The Hitachi is the best-known (and best-loved) vibrator ever made, but I realize that many women in our age group grew up without sex toys being part of their experience.
Now that we’ve reached our age, an extra boost of intensity is really important for the stimulation our hormone-depleted bodies require to fire. If you haven’t incorporated sex toys into love play — with a partner or solo — I hope you’ll open your mind to it. Simply put, it’s far easier to reach an orgasm with the buzz from a clitoral vibrator than on our own. That’s just fact, at this stage of our lives. If you’re a woman who no longer reaches an orgasm easily — or at all — realize that you can recapture the sensation with some help — a Magic Wand, so to speak. (If you’re new to the idea of sex-toy-assisted stimulation, please read Senior Sex & Vibrators: Myths & Facts.)
Hitachi Magic Wand at GoodVibes.com
Getting Off: A Woman’s Guide to Masturbation
Getting Off: A Woman’s Guide to Masturbation, by Jamye Waxman (Seal Press, 2007), is a jaunty, woman-to-woman guide to everything you need to know about how to “fiddle, twiddle, tug, rub, flick, circle, tap, and tease” — in other words, have “sex with the one person you have to love your whole life.”
Although much of the book reads like an instruction manual for young women just discovering how to pleasure themselves to orgasm, there is much of value for those of us who have been acquainted with our own hot spots for longer than the author has been alive. The illustrations by Molly Crabapple and Waxman’s explanations of different techniques and toys, for example, may lead even seasoned solo sex practioners to experiment with new options.
You’ll be the life of the party if you recount the history of vibrators (doctors invented them to help “cure” women of “hysteria”) or the ways parents used to be instructed to stop their children from — e.g. “Limit the amount of fluids children ingest. Urination draws too much blood — and awareness — to the genitals.” Certainly heed the advice about choosing safe sex toys and keeping them that way, and peruse the marvelous list of sex-positive websites. A good read, with plenty of enticing ideas and tips for enjoying sexy self-love!
Staying Sexy without a Partner
Juicy is an Attitude
Haven’t you noticed that when you’re getting plenty of sex, people are attracted to you as if you were oozing irresistible come-hithers, while when you’re desperate for sex or a relationship, you might as well be wearing a sign that says, “I have a stinky, fatal disease—stay far away”?
Being sexually juicy doesn’t depend on the flow of our vaginal secretions or the presence of a partner in our life but on physical and emotional well-being, mental attitude, and love of sensuality.
We can feel and look sexy and attractive, whether we’re in a relationship or not. Looking good has nothing to do with whether our thighs are tight or dimply, our breasts perky or floppy, our face unlined or road-mapped. Any partner who would judge us this way would be much too superficial for a relationship at this stage of our lives, anyway. Sexiness is how we feel about ourselves and how we present ourselves to the world, with or without a partner.
We are lively and sexy when we live our lives fully, doing the activities that keep us energetic, creative, and happy whether we’re accompanied by a lover or not. The more we strut our beautiful stuff with confidence, the more others are attracted to us.
Sexually Seasoned Women Speak about Solo Sex
When I was single and my grown son was out of the house, I discovered sex with myself in a wonderful way. I had a mad, passionate, love affair with myself. I got fabulous lingerie and bought myself champagne. It was just me and a vibrator. Some days, nobody else can do it like you. (Monica, 60)
I left my last relationship about twelve years ago and wanted to be a hermit. I continued to be sexual with myself and got pretty wonderful results with that method. When I felt sexual, I made love to myself, just like I comforted myself as a kid. Now I’m turned on all the time. (Claire, 66)
I was maybe sixty-five before I ever did it. I was talking with a girlfriend who was between relationships, and she said she masturbated. I never even thought of such a thing. My first time, I knew just where to go. I tried it with the jets in the hot tub, and I found the right spot. It was the best sex I ever had! (Jaime, 73)
Sometimes I masturbate—what else can you do? It’s better than going out and picking up people. My drive is still strong. (Matilda, 78)
— Excerpted from Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty by Joan Price