Posts Tagged ‘women’
Peter: “We don’t need vibrators; we need lovers”
I love it when readers post comments here, or write me emails with their thoughts. Sometimes what they tell me is so provocative that I ask their permission to excerpt their email here, as I’ve done here. Peter, who attracted big reactions from his previous email about women not on HRT not wanting sex, has written this time out of concern that women are reaching for their vibrators instead of seeking out a lover. He writes:
I have noticed a trend that leaves me feeling a little sad, and yes, this is a criticism. The last response to what I wrote was advice from someone about a vibrator. I know the recipient was in her seventies and was a good target for that sort of advice, but it followed a pattern. I’ve felt a little unsettled at the preponderance of this.
I’d like to think we are all enlightened enough to not feel shame at admitting we get ourselves off more than we get off on someone else. So do we really need another tool to do this? I’m no square by any means, but I think porn is sad. And is that vibrator you recommend really the perfect lover?
We don’t need vibrators; we need lovers. The problem is not orgasm; the problem is a loving connection. We are all social beings. We all suffer from the torture of social isolation, even those with spouses.
We need to break down the barriers that keep us from each other.
I need to clarify something — much as I love and recommend sex toys for enhancing arousal, particularly when declining hormones make orgasm more difficult, I have never called a vibrator a “perfect lover”! I don’t call it a lover at all. I would never trade the intimacy of a lover’s touch for any amount of electric buzzing!
But realize this, also — many women my age — especially in more sexually conservative geographical areas — don’t know that sex-toy-assisted stimulation might bring back the response that they can’t recapture on their own, with or without a lover. That’s a separate issue from what you’re saying, Peter, but I think it’s important to include it.
Do we need ardent, sensitive lovers more than sex toys? Oh yes. Do we all have ardent, sensitive lovers? From what my readers tell me, unfortunately, no.
When I read comments and emails from both women and men who wish for a loving partner, I wish I could hold a mixer of my single readers!
Guy Talk about Sex after Sixty
Since Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty came out, I have been speaking to groups around the US and Canada, and one question keeps coming up from the men: Where is the book about sex after sixty for us? Although many men have read and enjoyed Better Than I Ever Expected — and tell me they have learned a lot from it! — it was written primarily for women and about women.
I’m listening, guys! You want a book that addresses your concerns, too, and includes men’s experiences told by men.
I’m thinking about my next book now, and I’d like to know what you’d want to read: a book just about men and sex after midlife, or would you want a balance of men and women speaking out about their attitudes and experiences? Would you be more interested in the special challenges of dating after 50 or 60, or keeping a long-term relationship sexy, or both?
Women, would you like to hear guy talk about sex after sixty? Would you read a book aimed at men to know your man better?
Men and women, would you be interested in reading about couples who have kept their sex lives spicy and satisfying long-term?
What specific questions or topics would you hope to read?
I’m brainstorming my next book, and I await your input! Either click “comment” below or email me if you prefer. I look forward to hearing from you!
A Man’s View: Women not on HRT don’t want sex
I just received a thoughtful and provocative email from a Peter, a handsome, fit, intelligent man of 59 who recently attended my Ask Me, I’ll Tell You workshop at Good Vibrations in Berkeley. He raises a stimulating issue – are women past menopause disinterested in sex if they’re not on hormone replacement therapy? Here’s what he told me:
…I think you should have this input from a man who is a sincere feminist, appreciates your work, and is an incurable romantic and irrespressible horndog to boot.
I look young for my age, keep myself in great shape, have youthful ideas and spirit, but am a month shy of sixty. In our sexist and ageist culture, most women with whom I should have something in common seek a younger man. I’m open to a relationship with any woman who is fit, youthful, and hasn’t lost her sex drive.
It’s the latter that always poses the problem. My experience is that post-menopausal women fall into two categories regarding sex: those who take hormone replacement drugs (few, as the statistical association with breast cancer becomes known) and those who don’t. The former have sex; the latter don’t. I have been with close to a hundred women who are post menopausal in sexual situations and the results have never varied.
I fully understand the issues you discussed about changing arousal patterns, lubrication, patience, etc. I’ve explained – in a general and restrained manner – my understanding of this, but have only made it to bed a few times with those who don’t take hormone supplements, only to find a freeze up once I get there.
I notice many laments from women over forty who characterize themselves as “old,” laments from women over fifty who claim to be “sexually active” while no man their age is (defying biological reality), and laments from both that all men want is sex.
But when I date them, write them, talk to them, embrace them, always respectfully, the response is always the same if they are past menopause. This even holds true after lengthy dating and what seems to be an emotional connection.
I want what you preach, but my experience is that it’s women who block it. Most men my age I know who would be a good catch have given up because they think no one wants them any more. It sounds like the women say the same. They need to accept that men want to communicate and connect with them, and if refusing to do so governs their actions, that is the problem – one that they must face and overcome.
I think your workshop was well prepared and taught, and you have an important issue. I’ve taken several classes at GV and thought yours was outstanding. Please stick with your message. You’re doing it right and you’re appreciated. Thank you.
I would love to read your reactions to Peter’s comments. In my experience, both personally and through interviewing women for my book and afterwards, I have not found this kind of clear division between women who choose to have hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and those who do not.
Certainly the lack of estrogen does affect sexual comfort and pleasure, and some of us who say no to full HRT still use estrogen vaginally, which is thought to be safe and effective. (Disclaimer: I’m not giving medical advice. Please consult your medical professional to make your health decisions.)
But is Peter right that women post-menopause who don’t go on HRT just aren’t interested in sex? Here’s a good guy, attractive, sensitive to women, and romantic – the kind of man so many of you have said you’re looking for. What’s your experience?
Pole Dancing: Exploitative or Empowering?
I was quoted in today’s New York Times commenting on the trend that is bringing pole dancing (complete with instructors and portable, ceiling-high poles) into the homes of middle aged, middle class women, as well as into fitness studios. Here’s an excerpt from the article by Tina Kelley:
Some say exercise that echoes the acrobatics done by women who take their clothes off for a living is exploitative rather than empowering. But Ms. Shteir and Joan Price, the author of “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty” (Seal Press, 2006), see a clear difference between middle-class, middle-aged women choosing to give parties in their homes and women pushed by poverty into potentially dangerous or demeaning work.
“If we were to limit what we do in the realm of affirming our sexuality because it has been used against us in the past,” said Ms. Price, who tried pole dancing in 2005, “we would then be buying into the idea that we don’t own it.”
The important point in the NYT article is that pole dancing, once solely the domain of strippers, has been reclaimed by women in all walks of life and of all ages. Why not? It’s a sensual activity that lets us see our bodies as sexy and alluring. We wrap around that pole as if it’s a lover. Pole dancing is also full of fun, healthy sexuality, fantasy, and good exercise –just try hanging onto that pole with your arms, your legs wrapped around the pole, your body suspended, and see if it’s a fitness challenge!
Besides pole dancing, women are flocking to fitness clubs for strip aerobics (we even saw this on Oprah), burlesque dance, and many other activities that “nice women” — especially of our age! — supposedly didn’t do.
Physical exercise itself is sexy, and we’re bringing the notion up a notch or two by indulging in a fitness activity that is decidedly and openly sexual.
I had the pleasure of experiencing a pole dancing class taught by Virginia Simpson-Magruder in 2005 as part of my research for an article for Marin County’s Pacific Sun about innovative exercise classes. Here’s what I said about it then:
“Push out your chest more,” Virginia Simpson-Magruder tells me in the Pole Dance class at Stage Dor Studio (10 Liberty Ship Way, Suite #340, Sausalito). Let’s see: butt out, chest out, look over shoulder, hip out, wrap leg around pole, swing–I never realized that pole dancing would require such strength and coordination. This sensual workout is much more than slithering around a pole–it strengthens the upper body (sometimes your arms are holding your whole body weight on the pole) and feels delightfully sensuous. Instructors Virginia Simpson-Magruder and Lane Driscoll got their training from a former exotic dancer. Yes, we used a real pole. (No, we didn’t strip.)
What do you think? Have you tried pole dancing, strip aerobics, or burlesque dance? What was your experience?