Posts by Joan Price
Notable 2016 Sex Books
Thornton covers many useful topics in her 30-day journey. You’ll learn more about yourself as a sexual being as well as tools for making changes. Although Thornton says, “it’s for you, not you and a partner” and the exercises are done independently, the book is geared to women who have partners or partners-to-be. If you’re solo, some of the practices won’t apply, but you’ll still learn new ways to think about your own body, your own desire, and your own pleasure.
Future Sex: A New Kind of Free Love by Emily Witt.
- “Some experiences you avoid not because you know you don’t like them but because you don’t want to like them…My aversion to pornography was not because the images didn’t stimulate, but because i did not want to be turned on by sex that was not the kind of sex I wanted to have.”
- “I think if someone were to draw a portrait of the people who were ‘ruining Burning Man’ it would have looked like us.”
- “I now understood the fabrication of my sexuality. I saw the seams of its construction and the arbitrary nature of its myths…Just as wanting to fall in love did not manifest love, proclaiming myself ‘sexually free’ would not liberate me from inhibition.”
In Search of My Sexy Old Self: Re-discovering sex after sixty and beyond by Cathy Thomas is a memoir + self-help guide on rediscovering sex with a partner after it has gone dormant. At 71 and 74, Cathy Thomas and her partner had been together 30 years, and for the last decade, sex had stopped for them. They rarely talked about it, and skittishly dropped the subject if it happened to come up. Then Thomas decided to go on a journey, researching whether people were really having sex at their age, and if so, what kind of sex, and why, and how. Her research led her to several authors (among them, me) and websites, and the new knowledge she gained culminated in a rebirth of sex and a new kind of communication and intimacy between Thomas and her partner. The end of each chapter includes “Discovery Tasks” to help you take this journey yourself.
I recommend this well-written and buoyant book especially for readers who want a gentler, more one-step-at-a-time pace in rediscovering their sex lives than I often promote. Whereas I may seem to push you into a “just do it” attitude whether talking to a partner or a doctor or self-pleasuring with sex toys, I know that many of you might appreciate a more gradual approach. This book may be just right for you.
Talking about Sex Without Intercourse
Let’s get one misconception out of the way. Sex without intercourse is still sex. Real sex. Satisfying sex. Hot sex. The idea that only intercourse constitutes “real sex” limits our creativity and our satisfaction.
Sex is any activity that arouses you and brings you sexual pleasure.
So begins “A Senior’s Guide to Sex Without Intercourse” which I wrote for Senior Planet. I spell out some reasons why you might want or need sex without penis-in-vagina (PIV), how you might want to explore sexual expression without vaginal penetration, activities to help you prepare for this change, and ways to communicate about it. I hope you’ll read it and post your comments there. Let’s make that Guide just the beginning of the discussion.
One of the topics I discuss is how to negotiate what you want sexually, whether you’ve been with your partner for decades or you’re just starting to get intimate. I offer these opening statements if you’re starting a new relationship and you want to become sexual in ways that do not involve PIV:
- I’m very attracted to you. Intercourse is not possible for me, but I’d love to explore all the other ways we can enjoy each other.
- I’m excited about where this is leading. Can we explore how to make love to each other without the goal of intercourse?
- I have to tell you that we might not be able to have intercourse. But, if you’d enjoy it, I’d love to use my mouth and hand to satisfy you.
Have you negotiated sex without PIV with either a longtime or a new partner? What words did you use to open the conversation? I invite you to post your comments here. (I want everyone including readers in their seventies, eighties, nineties to feel comfortable with the language here, so express yourself candidly but in words that wouldn’t get bleeped on network TV.)
As sex columnist Dan Savage explained in a recent podcast,
Straight people should take from gay people these four magic words: “What are you into?” That question, when two guys are going to have sex, is always asked. When it’s a man and a woman, all too often, consent is granted and then all communication ceases. What’s happening next is assumed: if it’s heterosexual sex, it’s penis in vagina.
We don’t have that default assumption in gay land. When two guys say yes to sex, it’s the beginning of a whole other conversation. Everything has to be discussed and negotiated. Asking “What are you into?” is so empowering, because at that moment, you can rule anything in and anything out. It’s a sexy negotiation. Straight people sometimes say to me, I wish I could have more sex. I say, “You could, if you had a broader definition of sex.”
In the Resources section of “A Senior’s Guide to Sex Without Intercourse“, I recommend several books. To make them easy to find, here they are with direct links to their Amazon pages — or your local independent bookstore can order them for you.
Older Women Wear Lingerie, age 72
Aging brings wisdom and experience — and body image insecurity. Most of us, even if we glory in our sexuality, have misgivings about our ever-expanding wrinkles and sags. Sometimes it takes another pair of eyes — whether a lover or a photographer — to show us that our outer beauty matches our inner beauty.
At age 65, then again at age 68, I stripped to lingerie for photo shoots. I learned a lot about myself from these experiences and from viewing and sharing the results. People applauded, praised me for my courage, high-fived me for encouraging others to have their own lingerie shoots.
My blog posts about these events quickly drew more viewers than any of my other posts, and they continue to place in the top four all time most popular posts. Many women shared their own experiences and photos, some privately. some publicly. I was happy that my experience had helped to empower others.
I didn’t know I would do it again. But in September 2016, I slipped (wrestled?) my 72-year-old body into lovely lingerie provided by Lovehoney.com and smiled at the renowned Los Angeles photographer, Perry Gallagher, who specializes in Boudoir, Fine Art Nude, Fashion, and Wedding photography.
How did this happen? Krista from Lovehoney knew Perry’s work and mine. When she learned that I would be in LA for speaking events in September, she offered both the lingerie and the photo shoot.
Krista explained her involvement in the project this way:
Joan is a lovely timeless spirit and I was overjoyed to work with her on a photo shoot and check out some of Lovehoney’s newest lingerie styles. I connected her with one of my favorite photographers, Perry Gallagher, to complete the vision.
Joan is not only adorable, she is also breaking down stereotypes that women of a certain age are not considered sexy or sexual. I want people to see that lingerie isn’t just for the young and pert. Lingerie, and sex toys, can enhance your sex life and increase your self-confidence no matter your age, size, shape, or ability.
What was it like to work with Perry? A ton of fun. Perry is a true professional. He knew how to put me at ease with his humor and his appreciation of the female body whatever its shape, size, or age. He give me instructions — where to turn, where to look, how to arrange various body parts — including tucking myself back into my bra when breast spillage occurred. The whole time, he clicked away.
I felt completely comfortable with Perry — except when I worried about him climbing on a ladder to shoot me from above. (I have a fear of heights — he does not.) It was exciting to be at the center of his rapt attention, I admit that. Much of that excitement was the feeling, “I’m doing this. My 72-year-old body is fine with being photographed in skimpy bits of cloth.” It was a truly empowering experience that I’ll take with me anytime I fret about a new wrinkle or thigh puff.
Thank you, LoveHoney.com, for sending me the luscious undies and sponsoring this photo shoot. These are the products I’m modeling. Follow the links if you’d like to wear these yourself!
- Lovehoney Spoil Me Satin Babydoll Set Plum
- Lovehoney Flaunt Me Floral Lace Robe
- Lovehoney Flirty Underwired Plunge Bra Black
- Lovehoney Tempt Me Dot Mesh Bra
- Lovehoney Flirty Black Lace and Mesh Panties
[8/3/21 update: Some of the items I wore in 2016 are no longer available. See LoveHoney’s latest lovely lingerie instead.]
Thank you, Perry Gallagher, for these amazing photos and for making the whole experience fun and full of laughter. View Perry’s video here:
I would encourage other women of all ages to explore the opportunity to have just this type of experience for yourself: to be photographed and to see the inner beauty that is you, right now, no matter what age you are. Now is a good time.
Discover the best-selling sexy lingerie at Lovehoney.com!
Doxy Die Cast: So Strong!
There’s a new sheriff in town, and her name is Doxy Die Cast. She’s strong, brightly colored, strong, made of a snazzy aluminum/titanium alloy, strong. Did I mention that the Doxy Die Cast is strong? Strong as in lie-back-and-it’ll-happen strong, even if your orgasms usually take a lot of effort. If you like a high intensity clitoral vibrator, this power tool will sing to you in great, rumbly, throbby tones.Let’s back up. I had the privilege of talking to Ruby Goodnight from Doxy at the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit last month. At the Doxy booth, I was dazzled by the gorgeous colors of the Die Cast models. After turning one on, I was even more dazzled by the strength of the vibrations.
In 2014, I had written a glowing review of the original Doxy Wand, so Ruby was familiar with my love of Doxy. When I told her I had to review this new model, she said she worried about its heavy heft for me, because she knew I wanted sex toys to work with arthritic wrists. That’s one of my criteria for reviewing sex toys.
However, having experienced the Doxy Die Cast, I must repeat what I said about the original Doxy:
I generally prefer vibrators that are easy on arthritic wrists — this one is not. It’s heavy, it’s huge, and I would be in pain from trying to hold it for any length of time. However, that’s irrelevant, because it works so fast that my wrist barely notices. Yes, it’s that good.
What do I love about the Doxy Die Cast? Let me count the ways:
-
- It’s really strong. (Yeah, I know I’ve made that point already, but that is the point.)
- The head is made of body-safe silicone and has a bit of cush for comfort.
- The head is large enough to send vibrations over much of the vulva and the internal clitoris, those pleasure-giving nerve endings under the surface. (See my Clitoring for an illustration of the wishbone-
shaped part of the clitoris that we don’t see.)
- The control buttons are large, easy and comfortable to press, and they light up.
- The vibrant color wouldn’t be enough to sell me on a vibrator, but when I’m already sold, gorgeousness is an added bonus.
The Doxy Die Cast is easy to use — just press the power button quickly to turn it on, then increase or decrease intensity with the “+” or “-” buttons. But there’s also a mode called the “pulse setting” that you might not find on your own if you don’t read the manual. This is a revving up from low intensity to high. Once you’re in this mode, the “+” or “-” buttons vary the rate of acceleration. I usually don’t care about vibrational patterns, but this is especially pleasing! Access the “pulse setting” it by turning off the Doxy, then press the power button for two seconds and it will be running in pulse mode.
Here are some things you might not like so much, though they don’t bother me when compared to the pleasure:
- It’s big and heavy — 13″ long by 2.38″ wide, weighing 1.8 pounds.
- It has to stay plugged in while in use. (That’s understandable for powering a motor that strong.)
- Be careful following the instruction booklet, which is not completely correct for this model. Since the Doxy Die Cast has a silicone head (not “medical grade PVC” as it says — that’s a different Doxy), you do not want to use silicone lubricant with it, despite the booklet’s instructions — use water-based lube instead. Doxy tells me that these errors will be corrected on the next print run.
It comes with its own cushioned storage case. It’s a huge, hardshell case, 19″ long, so don’t expect to carry it in a backpack. I would have appreciated a storage pouch in case I wanted to store or pack it without the mondo case, but this case will keep it clean and protected.
The Doxy Die Cast is available from SheVibe, a splendid sex toy shop with a devoted blogger following, because they treat their bloggers and their customers so well. Their website is also fun, because of the sexy comic art throughout the site. Check it out.
(Would you please tell SheVibe that they need some artwork showing people our age? Do you see me with my hand in the air, volunteering to pose?)
