Posts by Joan Price
Over 50? Your sex toy store experiences
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| Joan at Smitten Kitten Minneapolis |
6/30/17 update: So many folks in our age group have never shopped in a sex toy shop, or think they’re all dark, scary, and sticky-floored. I describe today’s progressive sex toy store, demystify the experience of shopping there, and encourage you to find the closest store and visit in “How to Shop for Sex Toys” for Senior Planet. I quoted several of you! I hope you’ll comment there and copy your comment here, too. Thanks for being part of our community.
How old were you when you first visited a sex toy store? If your first visit was after age 50, what was that like for you? How did the staff make you feel comfortable (or not)? Was it difficult for you to ask questions? I invite you to share by posting a comment.
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| Good Vibrations San Francisco |
Many of my events are in sex toy stores. At 73, I’m comfortable in stores whose walls are populated by shelves of vibrators and dildos. I love to visit to see what’s new. I pal around with staff members, delighting in the kinds of discussions that sex nerds enjoy.
Yet I frequently hear from people of my generation that they don’t feel comfortable even going into a sex toy shop, let alone asking intimate questions of strangers who look to be the age of their grandchildren. I know what terrific resources these stores are, staffed by trained sex educators and filled with sex toys (aka “orgasm tools,” as I sometimes call them) that can intensify your sexual pleasure in ways you thought had disappeared or at least decreased after a certain number of birthdays.
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| Pleasure Chest NYC |
I’d love for this post to become a discussion. Whether you love sex toy shops or you’ve never dared go in one, or anything in between, please share your experiences and views as comments on this post.* You don’t have to use your real name (choose something other than “anonymous,” please, just so we can keep track of who’s saying what), but please give your real age.
I might want to quote from your experience in an upcoming article. I won’t identify you, except by age, unless you want me to. Thank you!
* Please, though, don’t post a comment aimed at promoting your own business. If you want to advertise on this blog (a very good idea if you want to reach our age group, but only after I scrutinize your site, the quality of your products, and your customer service), email me to inquire. Any commercial promotions disguised as comments will be swiftly deleted.
Why Don’t They Ask Us?
I’m sure you’ve seen news stories that announce how often seniors are having sex or how much we enjoy the sex we’re having. A problem I have with many of the studies about sex and aging is that they often don’t define “having sex.”
Does “having sex” mean partnered sex only? (Solo sex is real sex!) Heterosexual intercourse only? Orgasms? Are they asking whether we’re having the same kind of sex we used to? What if we’re enjoying new ways of having sex?
If we give a partner an orgasm and the partner gives us an orgasm, but there’s no PIV (penis in vagina), did we have sex? I say yes. If we haven’t had partner sex for a year but we give ourselves weekly orgasms with our favorite vibrator, are we sexually active? I say yes.
I don’t think we know much about what kind of sex seniors are having, once we broaden the definition of what sex is. My definition: Sex is any activity, solo or partnered, that gives us sexual pleasure, arousal, orgasm — and maybe, but not always, all three. Does that cover the kind of sex you’re having? Help me finesse this definition.
Let’s discuss this. How would you define sex at our age? And how has your definition of sex changed over the decades? If you’re willing to share your definition, or you have a comment on this topic, I invite you to post to the comments section. Your turn!
The Wish from We-Vibe
There’s a lot to love about the Wish by We-Vibe. Relatively small, the Wish is powered by two motors that work independently to give a variety of 10 patterns. For its size, it packs a powerful punch. It is made of body-safe silicone, is light and small enough for travel, and can be used solo or during partner sex for extra clitoral stimulation. It’s quiet, even at the highest settings. And it’s fully waterproof!
As an external vulva vibrator, the Wish is designed to curve over the whole surface of the vulva, sending vibrations to the nerve endings of the external and internal clitoris. (If you’re not familiar with the parts of the clitoris that reside under the skin, my ring illustrates this in miniature, and click here for an explanation.)
You can also use the tapered tip for pinpoint vibration, if you like. The tip is pointy, soft, and squishy, so you can press down for a delightful and intense sensation.
My only problem with the Wish is that it’s not quite strong enough for me. Almost, but not quite. It packs a lot of power in its small size — it’s not at all a wimpy vibrator! But at 73, I often need the turbo power of the Magic Wand, the Doxy Die Cast, or the Sybian. I acknowledge — and you’ve told me this, readers — that most of you don’t need the same level of intensity that I do. In that case, I think you’d love the Wish. And if it’s not quite strong enough, it’s a lovely warm-up to whatever you choose as your main event.
The Wish is rechargeable using a magnetic charger. The silver plates that you see at one end are for charging. The controls are the less visible, raised white button. I found the button difficult and slightly painful to press with my arthritic hand. Pressing with my thumbnail solved the problem, and I recommend that technique. Or, use the app:
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| Power Pulse setting |
We-Vibe offers We-Connect™, a free app that you can download from your app store, that lets you control your Wish via your phone or tablet. You can turn it off and on, choose a pattern, and turn the intensity up or down.
At first I was indifferent to this idea — why not just press the button? But I tried it, putting my iPad on the bed beside me, and I found I liked it!
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| Massage setting |
I could swipe up to get to full power. I could swipe right or left to choose a pattern — which was nicely illustrated on the screen — instead of pressing the button until I happened upon one that I liked. I understand that I can also create my own pattern using the app, but I didn’t try that.
I think We-Connect™ would be particularly helpful if you have a disability or condition that makes pressing the button difficult. There’s also the option to let a lover control your Wish via the app from anywhere in the world. I didn’t try that — let me know if you do, and how you like it.
Although We-Vibe promotes the Wish as a vulva stimulator, and it definitely works for that, I think that any set of genitals would enjoy the sensations. It also works nicely as a whole body massager, curved to fit the body’s peaks and valleys.
Thank you, Good Vibrations, for sending me the Wish by We-Vibe in return for an honest review.
How did your mother’s teachings about sexuality affect you?
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| Shirley Kassman and daughter Joan |
I originally published this on Mother’s Day, 2013. I’m bringing it back on Mother’s Day, 2017.
Let’s do something different here for Mother’s Day: Looking back, how did your mother’s teachings about sexuality affect how you matured, interacted in relationships, saw yourself as a sexual being, enjoyed your sexuality?
I was born in 1943. When I came of age, my mother, Shirley Leshan Kassman, taught me nothing about sex other than a little about menstruation. The birds-and-bees talk was left to my obstetrician/ gynecologist father, who gave me a pamphlet about how women got pregnant accompanied by “ask me if you have any questions.”
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| Joan 1961, senior year high school |
Sure, I had questions. No, my parents weren’t the ones I asked. Since my father regularly saw girls my age who were “in trouble,” as unplanned pregnancy was called at the time, his point of view was decidedly and strictly a “don’t do it!” warning.
So when I started having sex at 17 with my high school boyfriend, I knew I would be in big trouble if I got discovered (I did, but that’s another story), and I knew nothing about pleasure.
Pleasure — or why anyone would do these strange things with each other — was totally omitted from my sex education. That’s a weird and dangerous omission! When kissing and “petting” got me aroused, I was surprised and thought something was happening to me that didn’t happen to other girls. What to do about that arousal remained a mystery, however.
In those days, no one mentioned the clitoris, not in the laughable “hygiene class” that was supposed to teach sex ed, not in any books I could find, and certainly not in the pamphlet that was supposed to ready me for adult sexuality. I had heard that women could have orgasms (no idea where I learned that), but how to make that happen? I had no idea — neither did my boyfriend.
I have two chapters in Naked at Our Age called “Unlearning Our Upbringing” — one with women’s stories, one with men’s stories. They’re poignant, provocative, compelling. At a certain point we either look at our upbringing and realize it doesn’t serve us any more, and we change — or we don’t.
I hope you’ll add your comments and share your own experience. You don’t have to use your real name (choose a first name of your choice instead of “anonymous”), but please tell us your real age so we can see how the era in which we were raised affected what we were taught about sex.
(A much shorter version of this post was published on Mother’s Day 2011.)