Do you have a G-spot?
Actually, I’m not worried. As Dr. Petra Boynton says in her astute blog post today that’s as smart as it is entertaining — “Where have all the g spots gone?”:
It’s pretty simple. Women are diverse. Some of us really enjoy vaginal stimulation by finger, penis, sex toy (or other item). Some women prefer clitoral, anal, breast or other stimulation. Research that tells us we should focus exclusively on one spot or ignore it completely does little to reassure us or enhance our sex lives.
We’re all different, and other than the brain and clitoris being our #1 and #2 pleasure organs (in that order), we all experience sexual pleasure a bit differently, sometimes a lot differently. Maybe, Boynton suggests, the G-spot has become the subject of so much media attention because “as any journalist will tell you it’s much easier to get a g spot past your editor than mention the clitoris.”
In this study, “Genetic and environmental influences on self reported g spots in women: A twin study,” soon to be published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine,1875 women, aged 22-83 with a mean age of 55, answered questions about sex in a mailed questionnaire. Women were asked about their sexual practices and activity, and how frequently they experienced orgasm during intercourse and through masturbation.
The study used twins because, supposedly, if the G-spot is truly genetic, then both twins would report having one, which apparently did not happen. Does that mean they don’t, though? I didn’t get in touch (so to speak) with mine, if indeed I do have one, until a digitally dexterous lover pointed it out (again, so to speak) to me. Did these twins share lovers?
I was surprised to learn that only the answers of heterosexual women who engaged in vaginal intercourse were counted — why was that? 71 lesbian and bisexual women were excluded “because of the common use of digital stimulation among these women, which may bias the results.” Wait a minute. Can’t we learn the most about the elusive G-spot from women whose primary sexual expression is digital? I’m confused.
For me, the bottom line is this: Whether the G-spot exists or not, I hope you’re enjoying yours!
Don’t miss this spoof from the Daily Mash, MEN WHO CARE ABOUT THE G-SPOT ARE A MYTH, SAY EXPERTS.
Thank you, Dr. Petra Boynton — researcher, sex educator, and “agony aunt” — for your blog post that spurred mine.
What Surprised You Most about Sex after Fifty (or Sixty and up)?
Vibrant Nation, a marvelous online community of women over 50, asked me this question:
What surprised you most about sex after fifty?
Here’s what I answered:
I was amazed at how hot it was!
I fell in love at age 57 with Robert, a 64-year-old artist and dancer who would inspire my book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty
, and become my husband five years later. I couldn’t believe how emotionally fired up for sex I was, how gloriously responsive to the kisses and touches of this vibrant man.
We were as lusty and giddy as a couple of teenagers, yet with the emotional and intellectual enhancement of age and experience. We knew, by now, who we were, what we wanted (in life and in a relationship, not just sexually), and how to talk about it. We had made plenty of relationship mistakes in the past, and now we were ready for the relationship we would do right. All of this heightened our sexuality and led us to express it joyfully and loudly.
Does that mean we were just like lust-crazed 20-year-olds with wrinkles? Not at all. My post-menopausal body was slow to arouse, although emotionally I was on fire from the moment I looked into Robert’s blue eyes. But that turned out not to be an impediment at all, because Robert was not only willing, but elated, to take lots of time in foreplay (which I prefer to call “loveplay”). He said – and he was embarrassed when I quoted this in Better Than I Ever Expected
I know I had the fortune of loving an amazing man, but I think we are all capable of joy-filled, fulfilling sex at our age if we learn to express (gently) what we need and understand the changes in our partner and in our relationship as we age.
You can also read my response here on VibrantNation.com, where they’re giving away five copies of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty
If you’re a woman over 50, I hope you’ll join Vibrant Nation — it’s an interesting and supportive community filled with women sharing experiences, information, and ideas. I’ve been enjoying spending time there myself.
Sex after prostate surgery? Anne Katz answers reader’s question
Cancer — not a sexy topic, and not what you’d expect me to write about on Christmas Eve. But cancer knows no seasons and respects no holidays. Maggie, age 62, wrote to me:
Recently, I met a nice guy who after dating for a while, told me that he had surgery for prostate cancer 7 months ago. He went on to tell me all the bad news that the Dr. had told him about side effects. My question is, do you know any where that I can get some straight answers on what we are looking at, possibility wise? The information I have found online so far has been very negative, almost always putting the pressure on the woman if things were going to work or not. He advised me that he would never be able to have an ejaculation & that sex for him would never be the same. I got the idea that he would never feel the pleasure of having a climax again. My fear is that if this is true, what would be the point of him having sex? I am a very sexual woman & would just like to know if there is any chance that there can be a sexual relationship? Any guidance that you could offer would be greatly appreciated.
I sent Maggie’s question to cancer and sexuality specialist, Anne Katz, RN, PhD. Here is her response:
There are a number of possibilities in this situation, some of them good and some of them not so good. Here are the facts:
1. Having surgery for prostate cancer (a radical prostatectomy or complete removal of the prostate gland) will result in significant changes in a man’s ability to have an erection. Depending on what his erections were like before the surgery and the amount of damage done to the nerves responsible for erections during the surgery, the man may be able to have erections after the surgery but he is most likely always going to need some help (from medication like Viagra, Cialis or Levitra). These medications only help about 50% of the time but there are other erectile aids (the vacuum pump or penile injections) that can help too. Some men are able to have an erection but it may not last very long. Some men can only achieve a thickening of the penis and this may not be sufficient for penetration. Progress in regaining erections may continue for up to two years after surgery but what he has at that point is usually as good as it is going to get.
2. Orgasms are still possible, even with a flaccid penis. The orgasm will not be accompanied by ejaculation however (the prostate gland makes the fluid portion of the ejaculate and so when it is gone, so is the emission). Some men report more intense orgasms after this surgery; some say they are much less intense.
3. Libido (or sexual desire) is not affected by removal of the prostate but the mind is a very important part of a man’s sexuality. Repeated failure to have an erection sufficient for penetration may cause him to lose some interest. Although some men just keep on trying and trying and trying – the human spirit is a powerful force and many men retain hope for many years despite little success.
4. Many couples find a way around these difficulties. There are more ways than just penetration for both the man and the woman to achieve orgasm and satisfaction and some creativity goes a long way. This may be challenging for a new relationship. But the lust and attraction in a new relationship may also provide more impetus than a 30 year relationship! There is no right way or wrong way in this; a lot depends on how you want to look at the situation.
5. If you read anything that you feel puts the onus on the woman (or male partner) to fix things, then stop reading! This is a couple’s issue and both partners have to work on finding a solution. Communication is a very important part of sexuality. You should be able to talk openly about what works for him and what doesn’t. You should be able to talk about what you want and what creativity you can both bring to sexual activity. In your letter you state that you “got the idea” – you will have to ask questions and not rely on innuendo to help you understand what is possible and what is not.
New relationships are challenging and exciting and inspiring and joyful. When illness or injury have occurred it puts a lot of pressure on this new partnership. Good luck!
Anne Katz, RN, PhD, is the author of the award-winning text book Breaking the Silence on Cancer and Sexuality
Face in the Mirror & Behind the Bedroom Door: two books you’ll love
I love memoir anthologies, and I have two marvelous ones to recommend to you. Both offer engrossing, well-crafted, personal stories from seasoned writers, many–maybe most–of them our age.
Face in the Mirror: Writers Reflect on Their Dreams of Youth and the Reality of Age,
Sometimes the “face in the mirror” theme is literal: appearance, self-image. Other times these writers look at their upraising, their goals, their career choices, their relationship mistakes. The stark difference between where they thought they were headed and where they actually ended up should be a useful warning to young people fretting about their goals. Whatever you plan won’t work the way you think. And that’s usually a good thing.
Behind the Bedroom Door: Getting It, Giving It, Loving It, Missing It
Some of these essays are sweet, like Hope Edelman’s memory of 15-year-old sex (“Two people touching each other in all the right places, because there were no wrong places then, doing it for no reason other than it felt good and to keep doing it felt even better.”). Some are full of erotic discovery, energy, self-assertion. Some may disturb you, like Abby Sher’s essay about anorexia, cutting and a lover helpless to stop either, and Julie Powell’s essay about her need for rough sex (“D was a perceptive lover, perceptive enough to know before I did that I wanted him to hit me, control me, hurt me.”) All are powerfully written.
If you’re still making gift-giving decisions, you can’t go wrong with one of these books. For other recommended books that I’ve reviewed, click here.