He thinks he can’t please her without an erection, so why bother?
An important question was posted as a comment to my blog interview with Michael Castleman who answered my questions about erectile dysfunction. Here’s what a reader asked:
I’ve been in a loving relationship for over two years, its been great. Until now, its taken a complete turnaround. His thinking is because he can’t get an erection he’s a failure in pleasing me. No matter what I say, his comment is “why bother”. I have been completely satisfied with our love making up until now, I am completely confused. Our love and intimacy made our relationship what it was, now what? What do I do?
This question moved me and I asked Michael Castleman if he would answer this reader He promptly replied:
I feel for you. When men develop erection difficulties and withdraw from lovemaking, they often seem completely shut down and unreachable, and no amount of reassurance seems to help.
Of course, such reactions are not unique to men. Imagine that you suddenly gained 100 pounds and no matter how hard you dieted and exercised, you could not lose an ounce. Now imagine that your lover said: “It’s all right. It doesn’t matter. I still love you, and want to make love with you.” Would you believe him? Would you want to have sex?
To most men, sex means erection, and the notion of sex without erection makes a much sense as baseball without bats. But men CAN enjoy sex–and have great sex–without erections. Erection is NOT NECESSARY for male orgasm. Vigorous fondling of the penis by hand, mouth, or sex toy can produce orgasms every bit as intense and satisfying as the ones he used to have with erections. And erection is not necessary for female pleasure or orgasm either. In fact, only 25% of women are reliably orgasmic during vaginal intercourse because the old in-out doesn’t provide much clitoral stimulation. Many women prefer a man with a talented tongue and fingers to a guy who just sticks it in.
Of course, it’s a major adjustment for men to decouple sex from erection. Given how adamantly your man has been saying “why bother?” I think your best bet would be to try to coax him into joining you in consulting a sex therapist. To find one near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research.
If he refuses to go, then I urge you to go by yourself. The therapist can help you cope, and make suggestions you might try at home with him. And the fact that you’re going may show him how important the sensual side of your relationship is to you, and eventually he may relent and join you. Good luck!
Michael Castleman, M.A., is “one of the nation’s top health writers” (Library Journal). He has specialized in health, medicine, and sexuality for 36 years. He is the author of Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality. From 1991-95, he answered the sex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. Visit his Web site about sex after midlife, GreatSexAfter40.com.
Sex Cushions for Comfort
For us, our friend the Wedge (photo, right) was our regular companion, permitting me to lie comfortably on my back with a lifted bottom and allow Robert free movement on his knees. This has especially helped us during episodes of back injury, knee pain, and arthritis flares, as well as delightful encounters when we have no aches or pains. Using a firm, specially shaped cushion also provides optimal comfort and convenience for enhancing lovemaking with a favorite sex toy. (Our personal favorite, as you must know by now — the Eroscillator, the only sensual product endorsed and recommended by Dr. Ruth WestheimerHave you experimented with different types of pillows and cushions for comfort and pleasure? Let me know your favorites!
He’s History, You’re Not: Interview with Erica Manfred
It was Christmas Eve, 2000, the day before her 55th birthday. Erica Manfred, clad in a flannel nightgown, asked her husband why he had been so distant lately, not wanting sex, or even conversation.
“I want to leave you,” he said. “There’s someone else.” He named a co-worker half Erica’s age. “I’m in love with her. She’s my soul mate.”
After eighteen years together, Erica had to face that her marriage was abruptly, painfully, horribly over.
In the next years, Erica Manfred went on to make every mistake in the book. The good news is that “the book” has just been published — He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40 — and she learned from her mistakes in time to help you avoid them.
Divorce is different for women in their forties, fifties, and sixties, and Erica Manfred addresses those special concerns head-on, from grieving to financial to dating and sex. She spills her guts, disclosing even embarrassing experiences with emotional nakedness. Her tips are invaluable, and her candor will make you feel she’s your best friend sharing her mistakes so you don’t have to make them. Through it all, she even manages to be laugh-out-loud funny! I had the pleasure of interviewing Erica Manfred:
JP: What are the signs that your marriage is in trouble?
EM: You can’t remember the last time you had (or enjoyed) sex with your husband. You’re stuck in a deadlocked relationship where you “always” do X and he “always” does Y. You have no emotional connection. You wish you could go on vacation without him.
JP: How do you start dating again when your perky parts have gone south and so has your self-image?
EM: Good question Joan. All the women I interviewed lost weight, started going to the gym or exercising like crazy, got manicures, pedicures, new hair colors, makeovers. Buying a new wardrobe helps. Aside from that, act “as if” you’re devastatingly sexy even if you don’t feel that way. Make believe you’re Susan Sarandon or Madonna even if it feels silly. It works.
JP: Give us some tips about dating at our age.
EM: Nothing has changed since high school, except now you want to get laid more than he does, but you still have to play hard to get. Depressing but true. Remember the guys you’re dating came of age in the 50s and they’re not used to getting asked out on dates. They need to do the pursuing.
JP: How soon is too soon to get involved with a new lover?
EM: I’d say give it at least a year after the breakup of a long marriage. Jumping into a new relationship too early can leave you more devastated than when your marriage ended. That said, if you’re hot to trot, experiment a little. Just don’t take it seriously until you’re ready.
JP: What did you do after your divorce that you’re embarrassed to admit now?
EM: Jumped into bed with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Literally. My first lover was Harry and he was a cutie. I was a tad too promiscuous.
JP: What do you wish more women in this situation knew?
EM: How to stop being so dependent on men. You can take care of yourself, pay the bills, get the roof fixed and even live happily alone if you have to. The bad news is there aren’t enough men to go around. The good news is you don’t need a man to be happy.
A New Lesson from Birds and Bees
When birds, bats or bugs make a turn, all they have to do is start flapping their wings normally again and they straighten right out. That came as a surprise to researchers who thought turning and stopping took more steps.
I was reading Science of flight takes a bird’s eye view by Randolph E. Schmid from Associated Press and had to stop and reread this part:
…all they have to do is start flapping their wings normally again and they straighten right out.
I read this again, and again. I’ve been more deeply in grief this past week, thanks to an ankle sprain that rules out the usual daily dancing and walking that I count on to keep my emotional life in balance. Without this exercise and the joy it brings, my healing from grief took a nosedive and I find myself mourning Robert’s loss unbearably.
Then I read this article, and I wonder how to flap my wings normally again and straighten out. I’ll work on figuring this out.
How have you recovered from grief, tragedy, or even lesser setbacks by flapping your wings normally again?
Update a few hours later:
A friend encouraged me to get outside on this sunny spring day. I went to a park, hopped around on crutches for a while, then settled on a bench in view of the duck pond to read my Kindle.
Suddenly I realized I had a front-row seat to view a sex orgy: a consensual (I hoped) gang bang of six male ducks and one, apparently very sexy, female.
She took on partners, sometimes two alternating suitors bestowing favors in a threesome. Then she shook herself off and ran a bit, letting the lust-struck lads chase her until she slowed down and let herself be caught. The merry chase continued on the grass, in the water, and on the grass again, one or more males mounting her every couple of minutes .
Finally she backed up against a fence and stood with her tired (I assume) nether regions protected while the fellows returned to the water, rising up and beating their wings in what I took to be bragging.
I went back to my Kindle book, happy that I had ventured out in the sunshine, glad I hadn’t missed the show!